When Sherlock woke a few hours later and came into the kitchen, John had just finished taking a pot of tea off the stove and pouring himself a cup. He sat down at the table with some cereal, not having the energy for making anything else. He could feel bags under his eyes and his head pounded from the alcohol of last night and lack of sleep. He'd sat in the sitting room for hour, in anxious anticipation, watching the front door and hoping that it remained closed. His nerves were on edge and he felt exhausted. He only hoped that Sherlock didn't notice.

Sherlock came into the kitchen and sat at the table, pouring himself a cup of tea. He seemed rested and a lot calmer than he had been yesterday and for that John was grateful. He soon was fixing John with a critical eye as he put down his tea cup. "You seem exceptionally tired this morning" he observed. "Didn't sleep well?"

John figured it was a lot easier to vaguely answer than try to get away with an elaborate lie with Sherlock. "Yeah…..can't say I slept much" John answered, looking down into his cereal.

"Perhaps you're the one that needs some sleeping pills" Sherlock said suggestively, with a look that said Sherlock knew he was hiding something.

"Nah….it was just a one-time thing….I'm sure I'll be fine tonight" John said. He hoped that Sherlock couldn't see the worry that was filling him. He wasn't sure that he was going to be sleeping at night anytime soon. He couldn't trust that Sherlock would be safe; the threat of Garret breaking in was looming over him. He had promised Sherlock he would protect him and he had to do everything he could to uphold that promise. If Garret got to Sherlock and hurt him again…..he might never be the same again.

"Sure…." Sherlock said hesitantly as he sipped his tea. He gave John serious look. "Listen…..about yesterday. I know I was acting a bit…..irrational. I….regret that. I know deep down that I was imagining things…..I shouldn't have acted so senseless. Thanks for putting up with me"

John's stomach twisted and he pushed his bowl away from him; Sherlock never said sorry or thank you for anything. He never admitted that he was wrong and the one time that he actually had, he was actually right. He couldn't let Sherlock know that though. "It's not a problem" he said somewhat awkwardly. "I understand your worries"

"No, really….my head has not been in the right place at all" Sherlock admitted. "What happened to me…..I'm desperate to get my mind back in order and it hasn't been easy. I know I've done some really…mindless things. Thinking he was out to get me still was one of them. I'm fortunate to have you to keep me from going completely insane"

John cringed; this was painful. Sherlock was being so honest and yet he really was in danger. John didn't know what to do about it yet and he was quickly becoming more and more panicked. "It's what friends do" John said shifting uncomfortably.

Sherlock didn't miss it. "Something's wrong….." he said.

"No….no, really I'm fine" John lied. He could see that covering up was completely out of the question now; John stood up and made his way to the bathroom before Sherlock could stop him or ask another question.

…..

John sat in the darkness of the sitting room, eyes trained on the door. He knew that he could be doing something to pass the time but he didn't want to wake Sherlock and honestly he couldn't focus on anything at all. His eyes drooped heavily but he forced them open; he refused to fall asleep. He'd taken a long nap in the evening (of which Sherlock was highly suspicious) to help him stay up all night but he was still tired. His gun lay on the table in front of him, waiting; he was not going to be caught by surprise tonight. John only hoped that Sherlock didn't wake up to find that he was all alone or question why John was sitting in the sitting room in the dark. Sherlock couldn't find out about Garret.

It was enough of a worry to John to have to think about how to deal with Garret but now he had an extra worry to lay on top of that; earlier in the evening Lestrade had called him. He was going to be coming over tomorrow to speak to Sherlock. John hadn't managed to get the courage to tell Sherlock about it. He knew that Sherlock was going to worry and argue about it until it happened so it was probably best that he didn't know. John, on the other hand, had nothing but time to worry about it. John hadn't told Lestrade anything about what he knew but he had cautioned Lestrade to go easy on Sherlock. He assured John that he would try to speak to him as friendly as possible, knowing that was the only way they could hope to get anywhere. Still, John could see the possibility for disaster in this situation; Sherlock was not going to want to tell Lesrtade anything. Even if he did, it was hard to tell how Lestrade might react; after all, he'd known Garret a long time. If Sherlock told him the truth and Greg didn't believe him, the result would be a catastrophe. Plus, John didn't know if they might take him to the station or if he would just go back to the hospital. The weight of it all was getting to John; he felt exhausted and completely spread thin. He wanted to be there for Sherlock but he wasn't sure how much longer he'd be able to do that.

John was sitting consumed with his troubles when he heard Sherlock whimper from John's room. Not wanting Sherlock to be alone with whatever nightmare had just presented itself to him, John got up quickly and rushed to the room. He found Sherlock lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling. He looked upset but he wasn't crying; not anymore at least.

"Where were you?" Sherlock asked, still staring at the ceiling. His voice sounded hollow.

"I was in the bathroom" John lied. He couldn't tell Sherlock the truth and yet he didn't want him to think he wasn't here for him after their discussion about how much Sherlock needed him. He sat down on the bed beside Sherlock. "Are you okay? Did you have a nightmare?"

"No" Sherlock said, still avoiding his eyes. "It was a good dream actually…..been a long time since I had one of those"

Despite the fact that Sherlock said the dream was happy, John was positive he saw tears in Sherlock's eyes. "If it was good, then why are you sad?" John asked gently.

Sherlock stared off; the tears seemed to get heavier in his eyes but somehow he was able to keep them from spilling. "Because it's over…..I was happy and it's over." He said mournfully.

"You want to talk about it?" John asked hesitantly.

"No" Sherlock looked away; it seemed like he actually did want to talk about it.

"Come on, Sherlock" John prodded. Sherlock's weak resolve crumbed.

"I was happy" Sherlock said as a stray tear rolled down his face and toward his ear as he stared at the ceiling. "When I was young, before any of this mess happened I was happy. We did so many things together, he cared about me. He would take me to the park, out to get ice cream….anywhere I wanted to go that's where we would go. Every Saturday we used to go to the science museum….it was our favorite place to be, looking at all the exhibits and critiquing their mistakes" Sherlock laughed before getting sad again. "When I was sad he made me happy; he was the only person who would listen to me. I could cry with him and he would comfort me. He was the only person who cared about me and I just can't believe that it's over…..that it was all fake." Sherlock paused, as if straining to keep from sobbing completely. "That's the hardest thing about all of this…..knowing that none of that was real. I knew some of the things that Garret did was wrong and I didn't want to do them but…..I….I…." He closed his eyes and seemed to be unable to continue.

"You loved him" John finished. He hoped that Sherlock couldn't hear the sadness in his voice as he said it.

Sherlock nodded. "I know that's foolish, but yes" he said, rolling over so that he was facing John.

"That's not foolish" John said, softening. And it wasn't….it wasn't foolish for Sherlock to care for the only person who showed him any affection. In the beginning, he hadn't been able to understand it, and while he still thought that it was really messed up, it made sense to him. "You two were very close; it's not foolish to have loved him"

Sherlock looked sad as he gazed up at John. "It's the hardest thing to get past" he said sadly.

John's heart went out to Sherlock. After all of the abuse and maltreatment that he had suffered at Garret's hands, after all that he had to forget, he had the additional hardship of trying to get over losing someone he loved. "You know you can have that again, right?" John asked.

"What do you mean?" Sherlock asked wearily.

"That affection, that being close to someone" John explained. "I know its really hard to lose that, but one day you'll be able to have that again. You can be close to another person….you can love someone else. And you can have someone love you in return, the right way."

Sherlock gave John a small laugh. "No one loves me" he said jokingly. "Who could? I can be a real pain to be around"

John knew he was saying it in a joking tone but he also knew that deep down Sherlock wanted that affirmation. John had told Sherlock he loved him once before but that had been when Sherlock had had a gun pointed to his head and was staring off like a zombie. He hadn't responded to the comment and John had no way of knowing how best to say it or how Sherlock would take it.

"Someone loves you, you know" John said, looking down at the sheet instead of at Sherlock, nervously clearing his throat.

Sherlock barked a laugh. "Yeah, and who's that?" he asked as if he couldn't believe it.

John could feel himself turn deep red. "Me" he said. He met Sherlock's eyes and could see surprise and confusion in them. Not wanting him to get the wrong impression, he kept going, " I do….I do care for you a lot. You're my friend…we've seen so many things and spent so much time together. I….I consider you part of my family. Don't think that no one loves you because….I do"

John felt his face on flame but he knew that Sherlock needed to hear it and it was true. Sherlock had a wide smile on his face, seeming to not want to believe it but he was losing the battle. John wondered what he would say but he ended up not saying anything. Sherlock sat up and gave John a deep hug. He squeezed his arms tightly around John as if he might never let go and right now that meant a lot more to John than hearing Sherlock say it back.

He meant it, when he said he loved me. I could see it in his eyes, in the way he spoke. John does care about me. I know I've been fooled before but with John it is different. He is different. I hesitate to believe him; want to think he's lying. It hurts too much to believe people; usually it's not a problem. I'm not an expert on feelings….its definitely not my area. But I'm very good at telling when people are faking emotions even if I don't understand their emotions. Garret wasn't like that; he wasn't easy to read like that. No one has ever given me that problem before. No one expect John. I can't read him as easily as I can others. It's like my vision goes slightly cloudy when I'm with him. Not in a bad way….it just makes it harder to tell if his emotions are real or not. But this time, I know it's real. I know that the things that he said he genuinely meant. I couldn't say it back this time, not because I don't mean it. But because it's so much to absorb. Maybe John is actually right. Maybe the bond that I had with Garret can happen again with someone else. I would never admit it but such knowledge makes me slightly scared. It makes me want to push John away. Everyone wants something in a relationship, right? I've seen the lust, greed and power in other's eyes; everyone expects something out of a relationship. Eventually John will want something from me; what if it's something that I can't give him? What if it turned out like it did with Garret? I don't want to do those things again. I don't think that John would ever want that, but how can I know for sure? Even if he doesn't want that, he'll want something. Most likely what he wants I won't be able to deliver. I'm not good in relationships; I'm not good with people. I don't even know why John has stayed with me this long; I don't even treat him that good. He deserves better. John is a rare kind of person; he's genuinely good. He deserves someone that isn't broken; I somehow seem to even break all his other relationships.

I'm stuck between wanting to hold on tighter and push him away. If I get closer to him and mess things up he might leave. And I don't think I could manage that.