The lesson of the day

Naruto Uzumaki was running as fast as his legs could carry him to the Uchiha compound, towards Sasuke's room. Only minutes ago he had received an urgent message through carrier pigeon from his good friend Sasuke, and considering how horrible the handwriting was, it was most definitely serious, when he was only a few feet away from the bedroom door, Naruto reached into his ninja pouch and pulled out a Kunai.

He let out a piercing shriek as he leaped into the air and simply kicked down the door with all his might, Naruto raised his kunai and charged into the room shouting, "ALRIGHT, YOU SONS OF BITCHES, YOU BETTER GET YOUR GODDAMN DIRTY HANDS OFF OF MY FRIEND OR I'LL-"

Naruto realized he was pointing the tip of his kunai right against Sasuke's forehead. "Oh...hey, Sasuke..."

"J-JEEZUS!" Sasuke cried, snatching the kunai from Naruto, "You gotta be careful with this thing, for god's sake!"

Naruto tried to keep himself from feeling overwhelmingly embarrassed by continuing to act calm and collected. "So," he asked, putting his hands on his waist, "What seems to be the problem here? You called me and told me that you were under attack..."

Sasuke nodded. "I am!"

"Who's attacking you?!"

Sasuke ran over to the large, ten-foot-tall wardrobe behind him, and opened it. Naruto's mouth fell agape, and all of the color drained from his face. Inside the wardrobe was an immense collection of all things Itachi: Itachi posters, Itachi stickers, handmade Itachi dolls, Itachi DVDs, Itachi masks, Itachi video games, Itachi voice recordings, strands of Itachi's hair, Itachi's underwear, Itachi mint dispensers, and even an Itachi hug-pillow. Streams of tears began to pour down Sasuke's cheeks. Naruto just felt nauseated.

"...MY OWN BROTHER IS TRYING TO SEDUCE ME INTO COMMITTING ONE OF THE MOST FOULEST OF TABOOS!" The poor black-haired boy screamed, throwing his hands into the air.

"He put all this stuff in here...?" Naruto asked.

Sasuke shook his head. "No. I did."

"THEN HOW THE HELL IS HE SEDUCING YOU IF YOU'RE THE ONE BEING A FUCKING PERVERT?!"

"No...no, you see, it's like this, Naruto," Sasuke began to explain, "I've...I've had a huge brother complex for quite a while now. It grows stronger every day. I try to fight it, and fight it I do, but it always bests me in the end. I'm afraid that if I do not rid myself of this complex, and find love with someone of my own age group and not related to me, I might possibly give in completely to my forbidden desires and...and do something horrible to my beloved big brother Itachi..."

"...You mean you'll rape him? You bastard!" Naruto exclaimed.

"GGGGGODDAMMIT, NARUTO, I WAS TRYING TO AVOID HAVING TO SAY THAT," Sasuke snapped, but he cooled down again almost instantly, "...But, yes, I'm afraid I might rape him if I do not get help soon...and it'll be just as bad even if it was consensual sex, too! It also doesn't help that I'm gay for anti-socials, either..." Sasuke fell to his knees, and buried his face into his palms as he began to sob quietly. Naruto just realized how weary and restless Sasuke looked; he probably hadn't gotten a wink of sleep for days now. He had even lost some color to his skin, despite being as pale as he already was.

Naruto cringed; he was really glad that he didn't have an emotionless antisocial brother to lust after. He sighed.

Holding out his hand for Sasuke, Naruto said, "Fine then, Sasuke...I'll help you escape from this monstrous brother complex that has taken over your life..."

Sasuke raised his head. He sniffled, and as he reached out to grab Naruto's hand, a smile graced his lips and he replied, "R...R...Really...? You'll help me, Fishcake...?"

Naruto nodded. "Yes...but only if you promise to never call me 'Fishcake' ever again...or I'll rip your balls off and eat them..."

"Oh? Is that a threat...or a promise?" Sasuke smirked.

Naruto flashed an angry glare. "Sasuke..."

"Fine, fine...I was just kidding...sorta..."

Naruto sighed, and then said, "Okay, so let's get this thing started already...we'll perform a few tests first to see just how bad off you really are..."

"...T-Tests?"

Sasuke fiddled nervously with his fingers as he sat at the small white table. Sitting across from him was Naruto, now dressed in a white lab coat. In front of him were two identical file folders. The entire room was dark except for the small nightlamp that Naruto had placed upon the table. Sasuke gulped. This was the first test of his apparent breaking free from his almighty brother complex. It was all or nothing now. Sasuke gulped again.

Naruto opened the two folders, and took out a sheet of paper from the folder on the right; it was a photo of Anko in a bathing suit. Then, Naruto removed a paper from the folder on the left; it was a photo of Itachi in a bathing suit. Naruto held both of them up so Sasuke could clearly see them. His s immediately darted for the Itachi picture.

"Alright...now tell me...which one of these two makes you harder, you fuckin' pervert?" Naruto asked sternly.

Sasuke thought for a moment. "Umm...Ita-" he began to say.

"THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!" Naruto snapped. Without warning, he suddenly smacked Sasuke hard against the forehead with a rosary.

"Ooow! What the hell did you do that for?!" Sasuke cried, rubbing his wounded forehead.

Naruto did not reply.

Sasuke scowled; he was already beginning to regret accepting Suzaku's help. "Fine...I choose Ank-"

"THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!"

"...OWW!"

In the end, Sasuke lost consciousness before even getting a full answer out...and even then Naruto was still hitting him for the hell of it...

The next test involved filling in the blanks at the end of certain sentences to continue to evaluate Sasuke's sick mind.

Naruto - "Alright, here's the first one: Your favorite color is..."

Sasuke, grinning perversely - "...Pink, which is the same color as Itachi's's nipples."

Naruto - "THE POWER OF CHRIST-" (Pulls out the rosary)

Sasuke - "STOP THAT!" (Snatches the rosary away angrily; Naruto pouts)

Naruto - "Your favorite hobby is..."

Sasuke, being truthful - "...Jerking off while watching hidden video tapes of Itachi bathing."

Naruto - "THE POWER OF KEN MASTERS COMPELS YOU!" (Karate-chops Sasuke on the head)

Sasuke - "I...I SHOULDA SEEN THAT COMING...I THINK!"

Naruto - "Your favorite thing about your big brother is..."

Sasuke, hesitating - "Uh...her...his beautiful, experienced eyes?"

Naruto - "..."

Sasuke - "..."

Naruto - "...COMPELS YOU!" (Hits Sasuke on the head again)

Sasuke - "GAAAAHH...!"

X-oooo-x-oooo-x-oooo-x-oooo-X

"...Where are we going now?" Sasuke asked as he walked alongside a rather giddy Naruto, holding an icebag to his face after all of those unnecessarily violent beatings. The two boys had left the Uchiha compounds and were now heading into the city. Naruto couldn't keep himself from beaming as he walked, an obvious bounce in his step. He had really enjoyed smacking Sasuke around earlier.

"It's the last test! We're going to a strip bar, of course! We'll make you get a boner over sexy buxom women with fake tits just like every other normal boy that exists in the universe!" the blond-haired boy replied.

Sasuke gasped in horror. "W-WHAT?! WHY THE HELL WOULD WE GO TO ONE OF THOSE FILTHY, PERVERTED PLACES?! I AM A GENTLEMAN, YOU SHOULD KNOW!"

"Heh...you're in love with your own big brother and you claim to be a gentleman? Funny shit. Besides, where else would we go to pick up chicks?" Naruto asked.

"...The only girls I know that would go to a strip club are Ino and Sakura..."

"Well...I'm sure you'll enjoy it anyway..."

Sasuke shrugged. "...If you say so..."

"...I do."

X-oooo-x-oooo-x-oooo-x-oooo-X

Now late at night, around 8:22 p.m...

"I still can't believe you tore off that pink-nippled guy's pants in front of everyone like that, you bastard!"

"But...but...but he looked just like Itachi! I...I couldn't help it! Really!"

"He was a cross-dresser, retard!"

"...I didn't know men that old could still have delicious pink nipples like that...Sakura seemed happy about it, though..."

"DAMN YOU!"

X-oooo-x-oooo-x-oooo-x-oooo-X

By the time that Sasuke and Naruto had finally gotten back to the Uchiha Compound, they were already riddled with bruises and scars, willingly applied by both the bouncers and the sluts that worked at the club. Sasuke was still clutching the the cross-dresser's underwear, and he shoved it against his nose for a few seconds before Naruto snatched it away and threw it into the trash. This had not been the best of days for either of the teenage boys.

"Look, man, I'm done with this," Naruto grunted, wiping some blood off his bottom lip, "I'm going back to my room, take a nice long shower, and then I'm gonna crawl into bed fuck Hinata, and fall asleep, not even once bothering to think about you and your goddamn brother complex...!"

Sasuke shrieked like a little girl. "NO! NO, YOU CAN'T, NARUTO-KUN! I NEED YOU NOW MORE THAN EVER! PLEASE HELP ME! I DON'T WANNA RAPE MY BELOVED ITACHI! I DON'T WANNA! HE'S ALREADY TRAUMATIZED ENOUGH, I TELL YOU!" He grabbed onto Naruto's arm and pulled on it as if he were some little kid.

"G-Get off me...! Bro-con!" Naruto cried.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!"

Suddenly, Sasuke realized something that he should have done from the very beginning. "THE POWER OF MY SHARINGAN COMPELS YOU!"

"HA! MY COMPELLING POWER IS MUCH STRONGER!" Naruto gloated.

Sasuke scowled. "Curses...!" His plan had been a failure before it even began.

"...Sasuke-kun?"

Both Sasuke and Naruto gasped, and glanced over towards the hall entrance, where Itachi was standing. A harsh, cold breeze suddenly seemed to pass over Sasuke's head, despite them being inside a building. Itachi had already changed into his pajamas, and as he stared at him, even Naruto had to admit that he was actually kinda cool for an antisocial, emotionless, murderer.

"I heard you yelling, Sasuke-kun," Itachi said in a soft voice, "Is everything alright?"

Sasuke was shaking all over as he nodded his head; his eyes kept looking up and down his brother's body, taking it all in with lustful desire. "Y-Y-Yes, big b-brother...e-everything's alright...you can go to sleep...I-I'll be in b-bed soon..."

Itachi smiled warmly, and at that moment Sasuke felt like he could die with no regrets. "Okay, Sasuke-kun...good night...good night to you too, Naruto-san..."

"G-Good night, Itachi-san..." Naruto replied, his cheeks glowing bright red. He was actually beginning to understand just what it was that caused Sasuke to fall in love with his own brother.

As soon as Itachi had walked out of view, both Sasuke and Naruto looked at one another. It was now that Naruto finally noticed the trail of blood pouring out of Sasuke's nostrils.

"I think I'm..." Naruto began, breathless for some reason, but Sasuke nodded to show he understood.

"...It's impossible to escape these feelings. I told you that much. He has the gift." Sasuke stated matter-of-factly.

Naruto sighed. "...I see...he truly is wonderful...maybe even more so than Hinata...now I'm the same as you, bastard..."

"Yes...I have a friend who shares my suffering..."

"Shut up...I feel especially angry at those fuckers upstairs for doing this to me..."

"...Shall we, then?" Sasuke shrugged.

"...We shall..." Naruto nodded in agreement.

Taking in deep breaths, the two young men then threw heads back and furiously screamed up to the heavens above:

"HOW DARE YOU TEMPT US WITH A PERFECT ANTISOCIAL SEXY DEVIL SUCH AS HIM, YOU BASTARD GODS! HOW DARE YOU...!"

And the lesson of the day is...eh...um... know what? I'll tell you at the next exciting episode of Dragon Ball Z!

END