Black Walder

Where in the Seven Hells is that up-tight son of a whore, wondered Black Walder as finished the last piece of lamprey pie. Come meet and your Gods like a man, Edwyn. Do something right for once. Mayhaps the dumb bastard will have himself a new wife, I'd gladly take her right in front of him. The first one's honey was certainly sweet enough. Heh. Edwyn has good taste in women if little else, he thought to himself with a chuckle.

If my brother had the brains the Gods gave a turnip he wouldn't have been so surprised when he caught me with her. His wife would oft complain of how he was unable to perform his duty as a husband. Probably why he has no children. Mayhaps men are more to his liking. Seven Hells, to hear Edwyn tell it, you'd think that I raped the girl bloody. I didn't do anything his whore wife didn't want. She even told him as much herself. I doubt I'll ever see half so pleasing a sight as the look on my dear brother's face when he found us. Heh.

I've always bedded my kin and their wives, no one else. Keeps the bloodline pure. No one else said a word. I suppose none of the others caught me in the act, but even so, surely they suspected. Everyone knew about Gatehouse Ami, if nothing else. And even poor Jinglebell knew about Edwyn's wife, I'll wager. Heh.

If the bloody fool would've just pulled that stick out of his arse long enough to pleasure his own wife, mayhaps she wouldn't have come to me in search of a sympathetic cock to cry on. Heh. There is nothing half so insufferable as a bloody prude. The fool should just get over it. The better man won, as his wife was always so fond of reminding him. Heh.

Shame I had to kill so many of my kin...so many Frey girls I'll never have a chance to bed, Black Walder thought to himself with a sigh. I suppose we must all make sacrifices for the greater good. They had to sacrifice their lives and I had to sacrifice a few nights of pleasure. It wouldn't do to rape any of the girls. Half the fun is in the chase, aye. Leading 'em away from whichever of my kin they've wedded or hearing Edwyn rant and rave about how the bloody Riverlords already think we're a bunch of inbreds. Others take the Riverlords. So what if we are a bunch inbreds? Lord Tywin wed his cousin and Ser Jaime fathered all of his sister's children. Seems to have worked out well enough for them.

That self-righteous cunt best not come to the Twins and name me a kinslayer. Not after what he did to our grandfather. Edwyn was always a hateful little beast, but poisoning our grandfather... I hated the bastard as much as anyone else and I would've poisoned Edwyn when the time came, but that was another matter entirely. My dear brother deserves the strangler. I would've at least had the decency to acquire the tears of Lys or some other poison that would've given him a peaceful death. Better than the likes of my brother deserve and a damn sight better than whatever he slipped poor Walder.

You see what you've done, Edwyn, you son of a whore. You've made me pity our wretched grandfather, he thought to himself with a frown. I hated that man, same as you, but to draw his death out like that... Seven Hells, Edwyn... What sort of beast would leave an old man spending his last days in the privy shitting blood. At least I was able to have that bloody maester executed for insisting that our grandfather died of a bad belly. That old fool was plainly Edwyn's creature. Once Walder died, there was nothing left to do, but bribe the soldiers and kill every other Frey in the Twins before one of them did the same.

Aenys and Hosteen had already gone North, but they're long dead, I'll wager. Never liked Hosteen. Jinglebell had ten times the wits of that one. And his wife wasn't half as good a lay as I'd hoped, whatever her bloody name was, Black Walder thought to himself, scowling. A wasted night if there ever was one.

Men say Edwyn and that bastard dog of his are amassing an army. Good let them come. I'll fuck the kinslayer bloody with his own sword before I kill him. Mayhaps I'll drown Edwyn's pet bastard in a river. Seems fitting enough. Heh.

Ser Walder Rivers was always Edwyn's creature. The proud little shit would always try to Lord over me as if not fucking his kin made him superior. The bastard would do well to remember that he'd be just another bloody commoner if my grandfather hadn't taken some milkmaid. Seven Hells, the bastard was near as bad as Edwyn. The only other Freys left are Big Walder and Little Walder, but they're of little consequence and the Bastard of Bolton has them besides. He's welcome to them, I say.

Even if Edwyn can get himself an army, he'll never be able to lead them. How does the bloody fool expect to lead men in battle when he couldn't even lead his member to his own wife. Heh. I think I'll unman Edwyn before I kill him, not that he was ever much of a man. Not if his wife is to be believed, anyway. Heh.

And if somehow the son of a whore has found himself powerful friends, he'd do well to remember that I have powerful friends too. The Lannisters know what a good friend that have in Black Walder, aye. I stuck with 'em even after Joffrey Lannister burned down King's Landing. I'm an honorable man and loyal besides. The Lannisters know what a powerful friend they have in House Frey for so long as I rule the Twins. The Kingslayer is riding to the Twins right now with reinforcements, I'll wager.

"My Lord," shouted one of the guards, bursting into the room. "The Iron Born are attacking. One of their ships is flying your brother's coat of arms. They overran us almost instantly. The men are deserting. They –"

"No need to trouble yourself, Waymar," Black Walder replied. "I imagine the Lannisters are already on their way. By the time you leave this room they'll have already made short work of my brother and his Iron Born rabble, I'll wager."