I know, I've been away for like eons, but moving out is serious business. Updates will come out in a random schedule from now on, but when I'll settle down I might find a schedule for this too.
The title from this chapter is taken from Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright. I know the song it's not his, but his version is my favorite. Pick another one if you don't like it.
I hope you'll like this chapter and once again, sorry about the waiting. Enjoy it!
Chapter 28 – Love Is Not A Victory March
"Meri!" Meredith heard from the room that it became Eden's for the time being. "Mommy!" the voice called again impatiently and she felt melting on the spot. That single word still warmed her heart.
She stood at the doorframe and peeked in the room, wondering what was the commotion was for. She saw Eden picking out many different outfits from the wardrobe and throwing them around. "What's going on in here?" Third World War, probably.
"I have to go to the movies with Daddy!"
Meredith smiled at the little girl eagerness to dress up for a simple outing with her father. It looked like the most important date of her life.
"What if I give you some suggestions on what to wear?" she asked the girl, that rewarded her with a surprised, but happy expression. "Do you want a dress or pants?"
"Dress. It's prettier, right?"
Eden attacked the section of her closet stuffed with dresses and picked out a short dress with a flowery pattern. "What about this?"
"It's a bit too cold for that, it's sleeveless"
"This?" she said, showing a very elegant dress with a bow on the back
"Too serious" Meredith smiled. "You need a big occasion for this"
"I love this!" she exclaimed, taking out a simple white dress with some hearts and pink stuff printed on, very very girly but that looked just right.
"Daddy would love it too"
Eden smiled brightly and took off the homey clothes she had on, wearing eagerly the dress. Meredith fixed her hair with a brush and Eden really appreciated the result when she looked at herself in the mirror, a bright smile appearing on her lips.
She frowned when she looked better at Meredith and saw her still in her Dartmouth shirt "You're coming, right?" asked almost worried.
"I'm going to change right now" she replied softly "You look perfect Ladybug" she concluded, brushing her hair one last time and then walking in her room to change.
She choose to wear something simple, it was movies with a kid, after all. After she picked out a simple top and a pair of black jeans, she stood for a moment in front of the mirror in her bra only and admired her stomach curving to accommodate the baby that her and Derek had created. She had never noticed it before and she liked how her body was changing.
"You are gorgeous" arrived a deep, well known voice from behind.
She wore the simple top she had chosen and turned her head around to find Derek staring intently at her while he leaned against the doorframe, a soft smile on his lips, taking in her image reflected in the mirror.
"You don't look so bad yourself" she smiled back, looking at him through the mirror and appreciating his jeans-and-tee simple look. Even if he tried, he couldn't look bad.
He moved closer and embraced her from behind, his hands finding the gentle swell of her stomach and his lips finding the back of her neck. She leaned against his chest, enjoying his closeness.
"Eden is excited" she whispered with a smile, her eyes closed while she basked in the feeling of his arms around her.
"I saw the mess on the bed"
"We won't be too late if we make her pick up everything before we leave, right?"
"Oh, you're taking the Mommy thing very seriously" he chuckled, his thumb creating small circles on her belly.
"Can we go now?" came another impatient voice from the door and they both turned to Eden, standing there with her hands on her hips waiting for them.
"We can't go until we fix the whole mess in your room" said Meredith gently but sternly.
"But..."
"I can help you" interfered Derek, a smile on his face "But you know I'm no good at fashion, right?"
"We know" Eden smiled, running back to her room
"She's a good girl, Der" Meredith stated softly, a smile curling her lips.
"And you're a good Mommy" he grinned, kissing quickly her lips then disappearing with Eden.
Meredith stared at her reflection while she waited for them, wondering how her life could change in a matter of months and how good everything had became since Derek and Eden intruded in her life.
"Ready!" exclaimed Eden when they reappeared together with big grins on their faces and Meredith simply shook her head, picking up her purse.
"C'mon silly, let's go!"
Eden chatted excitedly during the whole ride about her daycare friends, the movie, basically about anything that popped in her smart head and she practically squealed when she saw the cinema.
"She's a tiny bit excited, you were right" commented Derek with a chuckle when he unbuckled her and she practically ran to stare at the poster of the movie they were going to watch.
They were walking together inside to buy the tickets when Derek's pager beeped. Eden's smile fell instantly from her lips and let go of his hand, going to grab Meredith's. Derek watched the pager and hoped in everything but an emergency. And of course it was 911.
He called the Chief that explained that he had to go to work because there had been a bad pile up and all the other surgeons were busy. They had enough residents, but not attendings.
Eden looked at him with tears in her eyes when he hung up, upset and frustrated.
"Daddy" she mumbled almost afraid to know that he was going to leave.
"I have to go to work, Ladybug" he mastered a very guilty voice while Meredith glared at him.
"But you promised to see the movie with me" her voice faltered, big tears ready to fall down her cheeks.
"We can go some other time" he proposed, but she shook her head, hiding into Meredith's hold. "I'm sorry baby" he added. Meredith glared at him again.
"I'm seeing the movie with Mommy" declared then Eden, grabbing Meredith's hand and practically dragging her away.
"I told you so, Derek" hissed Meredith "We'll talk later"
"Wait, here, the keys" he offered as he ran to them "I'll take a cab"
He hoped in some kind of reaction but the two simply walked away with his keys, leaving him standing there, alone in which was supposed to be a family night.
The work at the hospital ended up being long but he feared more his return home rather than a hellish twenty-four hours shift like the one he had almost managed.
He carefully opened the door and he was met with giggling and general happiness. He breathed a sigh of relief hanging his coat, until Eden appeared in front of him, her eyes blazing with anger.
"I hate you, Daddy!" she blurted, before he could even apologize.
He stared stunned at the tears falling down his daughter's cheeks, then triedto reply "I told you I'm sorry, baby"
"You were supposed to see the movie with me. I had a nice dress on!" she sobbed freely "You don't love me anymore!" she yelled before disappearing upstairs.
He stared at the empty space where his daughter had just stood until Meredith took her place. She looked just as angry.
"You'd better sleep on the couch tonight" she stated simply, taking the same way Eden had run a few moments before, a little less hurriedly.
"Meredith" he called and she luckily stopped mid stairs, her body half turned to face him.
"I told you not to promise her a movie night while you were on call but you're stubborn Derek!" her tone rose
"You had the day off!" he growled back
"You shouldn't have promised anything!" she shouted
"How I was supposed to know they'd call me in?" he yelled back
"You were on call!" she glared
"They never call me in while I'm on call, it was important!"
"It's always important! Movie night was important for Eden too!" she could feel tears building up in her eyes "You did just what my mother would do" she whispered
"What did you just say?" he attacked, defensively
"I said that I freaking gave up Chief Resident to be with Eden and your future child as you knocked me up but you can't take a night off work!" she was crying freely then "You are sleeping on the couch tonight, and thank whoever you want that I haven't kicked you out yet" she concluded, not giving him time to reply.
Meredith walked upstairs and crumbled in a heap on her bed, sobbing freely. She couldn't believe he did this. He wasn't the man she had known all along if he could do such things. He wasn't Derek if he became like her mother.
She dried her tears after a while and decided that Eden needed her more than Derek deserved her tears, so she pulled herself together and went in Eden's room. The girl was curled in a ball on her bed, sobbing quietly. Meredith walked to her and sat next to her, stroking her arm. Eden immediately climbed in her lap and hugged her tightly.
"I'm sorry I made you fight with Daddy" Eden said after long, silent minutes in her arms, sniffling loudly.
Meredith kissed the top of her head "He deserved all the yelling tonight"
"Do you think he doesn't love me anymore?"
"He does love you, he's just brainless" admitted Meredith
"But he works with brains" Eden frowned and was able to steal a smile from Meredith's lips.
"He'll come around" she sighed and they remained silently in the hug a little while longer.
"What's Chief Resident, Meri?" Eden asked innocently, breaking the silence.
"It's like the boss of every resident in the hospital, especially the younger ones. It has lots of responsibilities and things to do because residents are doctors who are still learning. I am a resident"
"Daddy is not"
"No, he's an attending, he's my boss. He's the boss of other attendings too because he's the Head of his department"
"In the head there's the brain that makes everything work" she recited, like something she had learned a long time ago and it made Meredith smile once again.
"Exactly"
"But he's brainless"
Meredith laughed at Eden's confused face "Never tell him I saidthat"
"Okay" Eden smiled, the became serious again "You gave up Chief Resident for me?"
"Yes, because I would need to work too many hours and I couldn't spend time with you anymore"
"You really want to be my Mommy, then" Eden's face was stunned.
"I really do" admitted Meredith with a soft smile, kissing the crown of Eden's head
"Thank you for being my Mommy" Eden whispered sincerely and it squeezed Meredith's heart a little.
Meredith kept holding Eden in her arms gently and waited for her to calm down, until she fell asleep. She tucked the girl under the covers, then left for her empty bedroom. She hated when Derek was out for the night or when she had to sleep alone in the on call room, but this time it was even different. She felt Derek farther than he had always been and she was the one to had confined him to the couch.
When she opened the door of their bedroom she was surprised to see Derek there.
"I needed something to sleep in" he immediately said as an apology for his presence. Then he turned to her and she could see million of emotions displayed in his eyes, even if she couldn't read them.
"I'm sorry" he said simply and somehow, for her it was not enough. She continued to ignore him, rummaging in her drawer for a clean t-shirt and underwear, before going to have a shower.
"You were right, I shouldn't have promised" he continued, still staring at Meredith while she tried her best to ignore him.
"You should apologize to Eden" it was the only thing she whispered.
"I know. I need to apologize to you too"
She remained silent but she dared to look up at him and she immediately regretted doing so. His eyes mesmerized her and once more, she realized how awful it was to sleep alone.
"Eden first" she mumbled, because she was sure that if he kept looking at her like that she would fall in his arms in a matter of seconds.
"Okay" he said, then moved out of the room.
He couldn't look at Meredith when she was like that. He had hurt her and he didn't know where to start to make it up to her. He hoped it would be easier to do so with Eden.
He wanted to punch himself when he saw Eden all curled up under the covers, rolling and turning from distress. He sat on the bed and grabbed her, until her eyes opened and they stared at each other for a moment.
"Daddy" she said simply
"I'm so sorry Eden"
Eden looked at him with eyes full of questions but she asked only one, one that knocked the air out of Derek's lungs; "Do you love me?"
"More than always. I did a very bad thing last night"
"Meri said so too" Eden sniffled, snuggling a bit closer to Derek
"She's right. I promise I won't do that again"
She looked at him like she was searching the truth in his statement, then asked "Do you still want to go to the movies with me?"
"All the movies we could manage" he smiled as brightly as he could and Eden smiled back.
"Meri said that you are a bit brainless"
"I am" he chuckled, trying to mask the fact that he perfectly knew he had hurt her and regretted it with every cell in his body.
"She was very sad, Daddy"
"I'm going to make her smile again"
"Okay. 'Night Daddy" she concluded their conversation snuggling closer to him and falling asleep again, this time more relaxed.
When he came back to his room, Meredith was half laying on her bed, her back propped up on her pillow while she stared straight ahead, rubbing her slightly swollen stomach. He had realized the day before that sometimes he could see her new found stomach from the scrubs while she turned or bended in certain ways and he couldn't help the pride in that. She looked beautifully sad though right in that moment.
"Eden is sleeping again" he said, feeling a little stupid to introduce such a big conversation in such a lame way.
"Good"
"She said I should make you smile again" he continued, even more lamely.
"Derek" she cried
"I'm sorry, I know how you feel about your mother and how hard you are trying to be a good mother. I'm sorry"
"You don't know anything, Derek" she whispered
"Tell me, then" he challenged but he regretted it immediately. "Tell me what I did wrong" he tried to save it.
"You put work first and I'm trying so hard to put Eden and the pregnancy first and you don't seem to notice" she avoided eye contact, her gaze fixated on her hands.
"I noticed and I admire you. You are a great doctor and you always put my needs or Eden's first, that's really something. I asked Richard to consider you for Chief Resident even if you missed a lot of hours to take care of me and I was slightly disappointed when he named Alex"
"I gave it up." she said, suddenly her turn to challenge as she looked up "He had chosen me, but I decided to give it up. I couldn't work eighteen hours a day and be a good mother, Derek"
"Meredith" he said, taken aback "We could have worked out something"
"I know, it could have been easier, but I don't want to add extra pressure on Eden or work until exhaustion and mess up this baby" she confessed.
"I could have been there for them while you worked"
"I didn't wanted that either. I know you would have and you will be, I just want to be there for them. With you."
"You should have kept the position and worked out something with Richard"
"I...You don't understand Derek." she paused, trying to find a believable example. He was ready to reply, but she held up her hand "It's like the movies, you promise you'll be there but in the end, you aren't. I wouldn't want that for Eden or our baby. I prefer not to make promises I'm not sure I can keep"
Derek remained silent, then walked towards her, kissed the crown of her head gently and he could hear her sigh. "I don't have more words to say how sorry I am and how perfect you are. Thank you, Meredith and I'm sorry, once again"
He pulled away and he saw her looking up at him expectantly, like she wanted to say something but she was afraid it was the wrong thing. He turned back and began walking out, when she finally called his name almost in a plea.
"Would you mind sleeping here tonight?" she whispered then she saw him turning around with a sincere smile.
"I'd love to" he replied, changing his direction and laying right next to Meredith.
She snuggled immediately into his chest and laid her head on his shoulder, completely quiet. He kissed her temple, then his hand began rubbing soft circles on her back and the other on her curving stomach, while she closed her eyes in bliss.
As abruptly as it began, their fight was over and Derek promised to himself that they were never going to go to bed angry ever again and that they'll always share a bed at night when they were both home. He also decided to promise things he was absolutely sure he could maintain.
AN: I trust my Beta for this because I haven't really re-read this. Busy times ahead, I'm sorry.
I hope you'll bear with me. Thank you for sticking by and thank you all who reviewed, especially anonymously.
Stay tuned for more!
