AWoC ch28
A/N: This chapter comes to you with a STRONG WARNING regarding the content. I don't want to give too much away but if cutting and/or drug use is a trigger for you, you may want to avoid this chapter. THERE IS NOTHING GRAPHIC, however, it's disturbing. You have been warned.
Thank you to my team for their kind words and help with this chapter: A Jasper for Me, Eternally Edward's girl, Grnidgirl and Cutestkidsmom. Because of y'alls support I was brave enough to write this.
See you at the bottom.
Esme POV
I sat on the floor of my bedroom staring out the window, sipping another glass of wine.
I watched the sun set over the distant mountains and I felt the perpetual numbness I lived in wear off.
Pain.
Pain gripped my heart.
Pain ripped through my head.
Pain shook my body as I felt the tears begin to fall from my eyes.
My babies were dead, long buried in the ground, my husband a cold and uncaring man, my children scattered across the spectrum.
I was alone in this world I lived in.
I finished my glass of wine and realized the bottle was empty, too.
It hurt so much to move.
It hurt to think, to cry, or care.
So, I made the decision to stop it, to stop all of it.
It's time to end it all.
To find the release from the hell I've lived in the past six years. Hell, if I'm honest, all of my life has been a living hell.
I manage to find the strength to stand up, my legs shaking, my hands rattling against the glass panes as I use them for leverage.
I find the rails of the bed to hold myself up as I make it slowly toward the bathroom door, having only a few steps with nothing to assist me.
I reach the vanity and force myself to look at my face. I'm a shell of who I once was. My eyes glossy and red, black underneath and haunted. My cheeks gaunt and bony. My skin pale and clammy.
I am no one.
I am ugly on the outside to match the broken ugly I feel on the inside.
I find a half-empty bottle of wine I left on the counter and I take the bottle to my lips. I don't want to be sober for this. I need to feel the burn of hurt for only a few seconds before I do what I must.
I open the medicine cabinet and pull out three different bottles of pills, managing to open and spill them all over the marble countertop. I grab a few of each and swallow them down with another drink of the bottle.
More tears spill from my eyes as my son's face comes to my mind.
My Edward.
My special boy.
The one who looks just like me.
I've destroyed his heart and crushed his soul.
My child.
One of my children.
Someone that needed me and depended on me.
And I turned my back on him.
I caused him pain in retaliation for the pain I thought he'd caused me. I blamed him for all of it.
I blamed him for the accident.
I blamed him for the death of my beautiful twin daughters.
I blamed him for Carlisle's infidelity.
I blamed him for Alice's anger.
I blamed him for Emmett's careless attitude.
I blamed him for my drinking, my drug use, my reason to numb out the world.
And none of it was his fault.
My precious son was not to blame for any of it.
The sobs wracked my body as I fell to the floor and screamed while my hands repeatedly hit the ground to the point my fingers felt crushed.
My head pounded from the heaviness of my torment, the hurt almost unbearable. But, it's all my own doing.
I wipe my face clear of the wetness and crawl on the floor toward the bathtub where I start the water running. Once I'm able to stand, I pull myself up and drop off the gown I've been wearing for days.
I haven't spoken to anyone in almost forty-eight hours, they've all decided I'm a hopeless case, not worth the effort any longer.
I walk on wobbly legs to the closet and take off my watch and wedding rings. I slowly pull out the necklace the children had given me one Christmas. I haven't worn it since the accident because there were no charms to represent the daughters I buried. I never felt right to not honor them with a stone of their own, so I kept the precious jewelry in a box all these years.
It only seemed fitting that I wear it now, if only to let my remaining children know I did love them.
Even in death.
I find another bottle of wine I had hidden in the closet and uncork it, carrying it carefully back to the bathtub. I set it on the side and stumble to Carlisle's drawer, choosing the newest blade I can find. I remove it from its cardboard sheath and glance at myself in the mirror one last time.
I deserve my fate.
I am ready to let it all go and be free of the demons that plague me.
I try and steady myself as I take the few steps back toward the tub, placing the blade gently on the marble tile next to the bottle of wine before I step into the warm water.
My body sinks into the water, the heat relaxing my muscles that the drugs in my system are now loosening, as well. I grab the bottle of wine and take a long pull, my closed eyes picturing the faces of my children all dressed in black.
I envision that they cry and tell me they loved me as they stand over my coffin. Their tears will forever stain my soul. But I know by doing this, I am freeing them from the binds of my hatred.
I've hated them for living, breathing, surviving.
I've hated them for needing, wanting, growing.
I've hated them for crying, screaming, talking.
But, I've never stopped loving them.
I'm doing this for them.
They can mourn me and move on to live the lives they truly deserve without my problems weighing them down.
I sink further into the water and feel it at my chin.
I open my eyes and pick up the blade, turning it over and over in my hand.
I know the relief the first slice will bring, as I've cut myself on purpose before.
I know the exhale of pain that will come with that first drop of blood that leaves my wounded skin.
I tip the blade across the inside of my left wrist and puncture the flesh, a whoosh of breath releases from my mouth as I drag the blade across the width of my arm.
I instantly feel the burn and want to cry out with the force of pain, but I hold it in as I watch the blood spill into the water that is almost to my ears now.
I carefully grip the blade in my left hand to repeat the process on my right wrist.
The pain leaves me breathless as I see through the tears and the water becomes pink.
I cry out the names of my children.
I begin to sing Edward's favorite nighttime nursery song, the one he used to beg me to sing to him night after night.
I feel the darkness creep in as my eyes can't remain open and I sink deeper into the flowing red water.
I hear the laughter of Emmett and Alice and feel the arms of Edward around my waist as we stand in the middle of the yard. The sun beats down on us as we have one of our usual family picnics.
My family is whole.
My heart is intact.
My soul is full of joy.
I hear my own heartbeat as the rest fades away ... all I see is black, cold and empty ... I feel my life ebbing away.
"Esme!" someone screams from far away.
Then nothing.
Just nothing.
A/N: *takes a deep breath* Still with me?
There is a reason for this chapter…it's another pivotal point to the Chaos for those all involved. As there were reasons for the alternating POV's that I've provided for you this far.
*IMPORTANT* I've had a severe case of writer's block. It's been almost a month since I've been able to write a single word. It's tormenting me. BUT, I am going to attempt to write tonight as I've had the help of some great songs lately to bring my mind back into the world of Chaos…so, let's hope it helps because I truly miss updating twice a week. As, I'm sure that you, my lovely readers, would appreciate me getting back on posting track. Soon, I hope!
REC for this week:
Black & White by Alice Vampire – it's a brand new fic, only 1 ch posted so far but let me tell you, my friends, it's going to be an amazing tale. A sorrowful Edward, a confirmed bachelorette Bella…DEFINTELY a must read, I promise. I've had a sneak peek at some of it and it blew me away. It's in my favs.
I'd love to hear your thoughts about this chapter!
See ya next week,
Kyla
