Healer Perkins paused for a moment, staring down at his chart.
"I would like for you to come in for monthly checkups. To ensure that your vitals are stabilizing, and to continue monitoring your heart and weight. Would you agree to that?"
Sirius shrugged. "I guess so."
"Also, as I stated before, I think that therapy would be beneficial to you. I'm going to schedule a follow-up for you with a therapist in Hogsmede, who you will see on a weekly basis."
Sirius glared, arms crossed. "Therapy is bullshit. I don't want to."
Perkins frowned. "I believe that the sessions would be beneficial to you, Sirius. I would like for you to at least attend one session. Okay?"
Sirius sighed. "Fine."
Healer Perkins looked down at his chart again, scribbling. "I'd also like for you to attend group therapy. We have a therapist who leads a group of students at Hogwarts. They meet one night a week. It's a small group, only eight or nine students. I know in the past you've complained about your friends not understanding your condition. It may be helpful for you to have a support network of like-minded individuals."
"I'll think about it," Sirius said sharply, rolling his eyes.
"Very well. I'll provide you with the details about it with your discharge papers."
"When am I getting out of here?" Sirius asked.
"Most likely tomorrow morning," he replied. "I'll go and get Miss Greengrass, have her come in and see you."
Perkins disappeared out into the hallway, returning with Evelyn in tow.
"Perhaps you can get your boyfriend to see reason regarding therapy, Miss Greengrass," he said sharply to Evelyn, before exiting the room.
"Hey," Sirius greeted her, as she sat next to him on the bed.
"Hey. So what's the prognosis?" she asked, eyeing him curiously.
"It looks like I'll be rejoining the monthly hospital visit club," Sirius replied, rolling his eyes.
"Welcome back!" Evelyn laughed, shaking her head in amusement.
"He wants me to go back to therapy. And some retarded group therapy thing at school."
"I actually miss group therapy at Hogwarts," Evelyn mused, smiling lightly.
"Wait... You..." Sirius trailed off, confused.
"Of course I was a part of that, while I was there. You have to remember, Siri, you got well enough to be able to avoid detection for quite a few years. I've been consistently medically unstable since I was fourteen. But yeah... It was nice. It's a small group, everyone is in the same situation. Not sick enough to be in full-blown crisis mode and have to drop out of life, but only just barely. I connected with the people I was in group with at Hogwarts on a far more meaningful level than any treatment program I've been in at the hospital. I think because of the location... Being away from the hospital makes it easier to distance yourself from the clinical bullshit and just be honest with yourself and the others about your eating disorder. The closest I came to even attempting to recover was seventh year... When I still thought Lucius and I would..." she trailed off, her eyes pooling with tears.
Sirius coughed, uncomfortable.
"Sorry," she muttered, wiping at her eyes with the sleeve of her sweater.
Sirius sat beside James on the train, returning to Hogwarts. Remus and Lily were off patrolling the train, fulfilling their Head Girl and Prefect duties. Peter had excused himself from the group, heading off to a different compartment to sit with Mary, leaving Sirius and James alone.
"I can't believe we only have a few more months left," Sirius muttered, staring out the window.
"I know," James agreed, nodding. "It feels weird... knowing that after this term, we're done."
The remainder of the winter holiday had been pleasant; Sirius had kept his mouth shut about his overnight hospitalization, telling his friends that his visit had gone well. He also elected to keep his impending therapy sessions to himself. Like I want them to know how mental I am, Sirius sighed, staring out the window. It was beginning to snow heavier, as they moved north.
"How is Evelyn?"
Sirius turned to look at James, his sudden question breaking his train of thought.
"Oh, she's good. Sad that I'll be away, but I've tasked her with something to keep her busy."
"Which would be?" James asked curiously.
"Finding me a suitable flat in London," Sirius replied, shrugging.
"Why would you need a flat? I thought you knew, Padfoot, my home is your home. We're brothers."
Sirius shrugged. "I know... And you'll always be my family, Prongs. Your home is still home... I just... I'd like to have a place of my own. I'm sure you and Lily will end up getting a place together, once we're out of school..."
James paused a moment, considering. "I guess you're right... Why London, though?" he asked, making a face.
"Hey!" Sirius retorted, smacking James on the side of the head. "I grew up in London... It's home."
"So is it really a place for you, or a place for you and Evelyn?" James asked, eyebrow raised.
"Just me. She and I aren't really a couple in the traditional sense of the word," Sirius replied, his brow furrowing.
"What do you mean?"
"We're together... But we can see other people."
"So an open relationship?"
"I guess," Sirius replied, crossing his arms.
"You okay with that, mate?" James asked.
"Of course, I am. Like I said before, I don't want to be tied down to some bloody bird," he lied, sneering. It's just further proof that I'm incapable of being loved. That I'm not enough, he thought, laughing at the tragedy of his own existence.
The first week back to school had gone by well enough. Unable to cope with the anxiety that came with mealtimes, compounded by Perkins and Evelyns' urges to stop purging, Sirius elected to skip meals altogether, instead hiding away in the library, studying.
"I didn't do a lick of work while we were on break, I need to get caught up," he told his friends, avoiding eye contact as they shot him worried looks each chance they got to corner him about his absence at meals.
Wednesday evening, after yet another skipped dinner, Sirius found himself nervously climbing the stairs up to a rarely used classroom on the seventh floor, where the eating disorder support group met. Here goes nothing, he thought to himself, grasping the doorknob and entering the room. He found himself facing eight fellow students, ranging in age from thirteen to eighteen. His eyebrows raised in surprise, as he recognized a few of the students present. He nodded at Alec and Tom, two quidditch players from different houses. Curious, he thought to himself, glancing about the room. Ten chairs had been arranged in a circle, nine for students including himself, he presumed, and the last for the facilitator.
"Hi," Sirius greeted, standing awkwardly at the door.
"You must be Sirius," the facilitator, a friendly-looking witch in her thirties said, beaming at him. "Please, have a seat."
Sirius nodded, taking the single remaining seat. He turned his attention to the facilitator, anxious.
"Alright, everyone. Welcome back. I hope everyone enjoyed their holiday. We have a new member joining our group, so why don't we all take a moment to introduce ourselves, and share a little about ourselves and why we're here, okay?" the facilitator said, continuing to smile.
"I'm Adrienne Westwood, a healer at St. Mungo's. I am the facilitator for this support group," she said, starting the introductions off.
"I'm Claire. I'm a fourth year in Ravenclaw," a small redhead announced, tugging at the sleeve of her sweater. "I'm anorexic."
"I'm Alec. Sixth year in Ravenclaw," the tall, svelte Ravenclaw seeker announced, offering Sirius a friendly smile. "I'm bulimic and a compulsive exerciser."
"Marlene. Seventh year Gryffindor," Sirius' familiar blonde housemate introduced herself, eyeing Sirius suspiciously. "Anorexic, purging sub-type."
The girl beside Marlene, a pale wisp of a girl with white blonde hair, cleared her throat. "I'm Emma. Sixth year Hufflepuff. I'm anorexic."
"I'm Tom. Seventh year in Hufflepuff. I dabble in both bulimia and anorexia," the handsome, raven-haired Hufflepuff keeper said, offering Sirius a smile as well.
Sirius grinned back, beginning to feel relieved. At least there's other blokes here. That makes this better.
"I'm Clara. Third year Slytherin," a small blonde girl said, toying with her ringlets. "I'm anorexic."
"Charlotte, fifth year Gryffindor," a pale brunette muttered, arms crossed at her chest. "I'm bulimic."
"Lydia. Seventh year Slytherin," a pale girl with long black hair said, staring at Sirius. "I'm anorexic. And you're Evelyn's new boy toy, aren't you?" she asked, looking at him expectantly.
Sirius stared at the girl, offering her his traditional Black family sneer. "Jealous, are you?" he asked, haughtily.
The girl remained silent, clearly regretting her outburst.
Sirius coughed, crossing his arms. "I'm Sirius. I'm a seventh year in Gryffindor. I've been anorexic since I was about eleven..." he trailed off, uncomfortable admitting this, especially to a group of relative strangers.
"Very good. So, why don't we talk about the holidays. Did anyone have any struggles while they were home over the holidays?" Adrienne asked, glancing around expectantly at the group.
The small blonde, Clara, cleared her throat. "Christmas dinner was difficult. My parents expected me to sit through a five course meal with our entire family present. My mother kept kicking me from under the table until she felt I had eaten a sufficient amount at each course, so no one would suspect anything. Because god forbid we don't maintain appearances," she explained, the bitterness apparent in her tone.
The group collectively murmured in agreement with Clara's statements, each chiming in their own distaste towards holiday meals, and family meals in general. Sirius glanced about the room, waiting to see if anyone else would share something. Taking a deep breath for courage, he cleared his voice, garnering the attention of the room.
"Um," he began, struggling to find the words to explain what he was about to share, "On Christmas Day, my best mate walked in on my purging blood," Sirius finished, wringing his hands nervously in his lap.
He recoiled as her heard the collective gasps of the fellow members of the group. "You purged blood? Did you go to St. Mungo's?" Tom asked, eyeing him concernedly.
Sirius shrugged. "Nah. I mean... I've been throwing up blood for a couple of months, now. So it didn't bother me all that much. It was just... Upsetting, and embarrassing, I guess, to have my best mate walk in on me. It's bad enough that he knows what I do, but for him to see... It's private. And it makes it harder because I didn't want him to know how bad it's gotten."
"You really should receive medical attention if you're throwing up blood, Sirius," Adrienne said, clearly alarmed by his confession.
"Oh, I did. I had an appointment with my healer, and that's why I'm here... I refused to do inpatient. So this and monthly visits to St. Mungo's it is," he replied, icily.
"Are you still purging?" Alec asked him.
"He'd have to actually eat something and show up for meals in order to have anything to throw back up," Marlene interjected, casting Sirius a knowing look.
Sirius rolled his eyes, biting his lower lip. Fuck, I need a cigarette, he thought to himself.
"I'm here because I refused inpatient, too," Emma announced, drawing the group's attention.
"I um... I passed out during my transfiguration final last spring. I have an arrhythmia, and I hadn't eaten in weeks, which triggered it, I guess. My heart started beating weirdly, and I passed out as it tried to normalize the rhythm... Spent all summer in therapy and some stupid day treatment program at a muggle hospital in Leeds... My parents only let me return to school under the stipulation that I attend group therapy and see a therapist for weekly individual sessions," she continued, picking at imaginary dust on her skirt.
"I don't think anyone is actually here by choice," Lydia commented, yawning.
"I know I'm not," Alec interjected, frowning.
"Why're you here?" Sirius asked, curious.
"Captain walked in on me vomiting after meals a few too many times. And running laps in the quidditch pitch for hours after practices. He reported me to Flitwick... If I don't come here, I can't play," he replied coolly, arms crossed against his chest.
"Consider yourself lucky, my captain ratted me out about my habits after he got caught by Madam Hooch encouraging younger teammates to puke before matches, so they'll feel nice and light before they get on a broom," Tom noted, scowling.
"At least you didn't get forced into this tripe because your parents are terrified you'll screw up your chances to find a suitable husband," Lydia replied scornfully, sighing exasperatedly.
"Oh, you mean like Sirius' girlfriend," Marlene said, interjecting herself into the conversation.
"Basically," Lydia replied, nodding.
"Don't talk about her like that," Sirius said lowly, glaring at the two girls.
"I was in group with Evelyn for three years, Sirius. I didn't say it to be nasty, just stating a fact. Everyone knows that Evelyn is sick, and that's why Lucius broke things off with her," Marlene replied.
"It's sad, really. I think they were really in love. I mean... Her last year here, she seemed like she was really trying to get better," Lydia added.
Sirius clenched his fists, willing his anger to pass.
"How'd you get found out, Marlene? Did Minnie walk in on you puking up the apple you allow yourself at dinner?" Sirius asked, taking his fury out on her. After all, she had been nasty towards him from the very beginning. Where the fuck does she get off, eyeing me all suspiciously? Bitch.
"Lily fucking Evans. I share a dorm with her. She heard me vomiting one night and reported it to McGonagall. Apparently her sister is bulimic, so she's all hyper-sensitive about it," she retorted, crossing her arms.
Sirius laughed, shaking his head in bemusement. "At least she didn't try to stage an intervention for you. That was my Christmas break. Her and my stupid friends sitting there telling me how worried they are and how they're afraid for me. As if they have a fucking clue about any of this. Like they understand what I'm going through, why I need this."
"That's rough... I mean... At least here, we all get it. You can't understand what we're going through unless you've been there," Marlene replied, giving him a sympathetic look.
"Alright, why don't we reign things in some. Why don't we talk about alternatives to engaging in eating disordered activities," Adrienne said loudly, trying to gain control over the group once more.
Sirius rolled his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose, feeling a headache coming on. Well this was a total waste of time. At least the rest of the group doesn't totally suck.
