Part II
Chapter Twenty-six
The Beautiful Things Love Can Give Us
Your skin, oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
Do you know? For you I bleed myself dry
For you I bleed myself dry
Your skin, oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
Do you know? You know I love you so
You know I love you so
"Yellow"-Coldplay
Alyssa wished she could turn back time. Maybe this was a really bad dream, a nightmare she would wake up from.
The nausea told her otherwise. It was real. She closed her eyes, the lines on the pavement dashing by making her queasy. She kept praying the constant urge to vomit was just a symptom of a stomach flu. Even though she knew it wasn't. That it was a sign of something much less temporary and much more life changing.
Just a few days ago Alyssa was carefree. She was free-spirited and reckless. She screamed when the situation begged for it to be quiet. She laughed when nothing was funny. It was true that she was locked up in a house with a father she never knew. A father she never loved. But like a child she had been resilient. She survived. It wouldn't last forever. She would be back at home with Sam. She had been content despite it all. There wasn't anything in the world that could bring her down. But now...
Her head was turned to the window watching the blue of the sky broken up with buildings and palm trees. She couldn't show him her face streaked with tears. He couldn't know how frightened she was. God, she was so scared.
There was traffic and the car slowed to a stop. Alyssa felt his hand brush her cheek. Her face turned to face his wordlessly. His thumb passed over her lips. "I'm not mad at you." He said softly.
"Even if it's true? Even if I'm pregnant?"
He smiled. "Is that really something to be mad about?"
"Yes."
He covered her mouth with his and her anxiety vanished. He pulled away, his forehead pressed to hers looking into her eyes tenderly. Then he resumed driving, her hand in his the entire time. She closed her eyes letting the world melt away, focusing on the feeling of her hand dwarfed inside his. When her eyes fluttered open the car was in a parking lot. The panic returned instantly.
They walked the aisles and finally found what they were looking for. Alyssa was assaulted with many different brands and she hesitated. "Which one?" She asked.
"I wouldn't know the first thing about this stuff." He smiled, his humor still intact.
She took First response and bought it. Then she asked where the bathroom was. The sales clerk looked at them with slightest pity. They were impossibly young. They had no idea what they were in for. But she was surprised that Alyssa wasn't alone. Most teenage fathers disappeared upon hearing the news.
Sam paced around, music from at least 40 years ago playing over the drug store intercom. It was worse than elevator music. At least that turned into an annoying hum that could be tuned out.
The doorknob turned and Alyssa stepped outside. She lifted the white stick into view and showed him the little display box in its center. There was a plus sign. She looked like she was going to fall apart.
"It's positive." She said through her tears.
He drew her into his arms silently stroking her hair. "It's okay, love."
Alyssa shook in his arm like a leaf in the wind and he felt his shirt dampen where rivers flowed from her pretty blue eyes. "Hey, don't do that. This is a good thing."
Her tears seemed to flow from a bottomless ocean. He cupped her face and turned it up so their eyes locked. "I know you didn't want kids…ever. But maybe this is a blessing in disguise."
"Sam….we're not even LEGAL yet. Once my mom finds out she is going to DISOWN me. And we are not fit to be parents. I'm a little girl, you rub it in my face all the time. And let's face it you are not in the best shape emotionally to be a father."
Sam felt the slightest bit of hurt at her words. He tried to suppress the frown that was tugging at his lips. "I know I'm not perfect, Alyssa. But no is. This…baby is only gonna want our love. It doesn't take a perfect person to love their child."
She averted her gaze and sighed. "God help me." she looked back at him. "I love you, but you're not ready. You're a recovering drug addict. A junkie is not the first person a girl wants to be knocked up by."
His hands slipped away from her and he looked at her with a crestfallen expression, a sort of stunned sadness.
There were many things that had broken Sam's heart. His parents' divorce, his mother's refusal to admit that Peter hated him, the years when he and Alyssa weren't friends, his father's death. But this one by far wounded him the most.
When he spoke Alyssa could hear an angry edge to his voice.
"I'm sure you'd rather it'd be Josh's. He's so fucking perfect! Who wants to be tied down to a loser like me?"
He walked past her swiftly, knocking some magazines from their shelves.
Alyssa instantly felt a pang of remorse. She ran after him. "Wait! I didn't mean it." She placed her hand over his shoulder. He jerked away from her touch like he had been burned.
"Don't FUCKING touch me!" he hissed.
She trailed behind him as he stormed out of the store. Her heart felt like it was going to drop out of her. He slammed the car door as he got in. She sat inside and looked over at him distraughtly.
He didn't look at her.
The entire ride home it was quiet. When he pulled into her driveway he was still, his eyes distant. She got out of the car slowly and walked around to the trunk, keying the lock. It popped open and she bent over to get her suitcases. She felt his shoulder brush hers softly as he made his way around her. He took the suitcases, one in each hand.
"I can take it from here." She said.
He still sounded broken. ""It's not good for you to be lifting heavy things…if you decide to keep it."
If you decide to keep it.
She walked through the threshold of the front door.
He climbed the stairs and put them in her bedroom. He avoided her gaze at all costs. The door shut behind him without a sound. Somehow Alyssa made it to her bedroom. She didn't really know how because she could hardly remember it. Everything was a haze. She could barely feel her mattress under her.
Her eyes settled on a piece of lined paper with messy writing. She started reading it.
"Hey love, I can't wait until you come back to me. You know at first when you told me you might be pregnant I was scared. But now I'm so happy. I'm happy that we can share something this special together. It's amazing the things love can give us. I've been thinking about what we should name her or him. I'm sorry. This is probably freaking you out. I know we're young, but in a month I'll be 18. And I can get a job. Please don't be sad. You sounded so sad over the phone. I love you."
Alyssa buried her face in her pillow and wept. She should have been so relieved that he was going to stay with her. Most guys in this situation would run in the opposite direction. She'd seen it happen at her high school. But he wanted to stay and raise their child. He loved her.
He had been so excited. When the test was positive she saw it in his eyes. He was absolutely blissful. She destroyed it. Happiness was such a hard thing to come by for Sam. And she had shattered it without a thought.
He would probably make an amazing dad. She saw the way Adam blindly looked up to him with the sweetest admiration. Sam was the little boy's world. There was no doubt in the world that he wouldn't make a wonderful father.
The tears flowed until sleep enveloped her in its embrace. That night Alyssa dreamed Sam killed himself. He pointed a pistol to his temple and pulled the trigger. She opened her mouth to scream but in many nightmares screams were muted. She couldn't scream. She flew upright in bed, her chest heaving.
Sleep came in waves. She would be awake for an hour and then not. Dawn illuminated her room. She eased her shirt up and touched her tummy hesitantly, her palm settling over it. She wondered how long it would be before she could feel it move inside her.
She wondered if it would look like him, have his beautiful blue-green eyes or his sweet smile.
Alyssa always believed he left pieces of his soul in hers. Now he was really part of her.
She found the key to his house in her drawer and called a taxi. She turned the alarm at his house off before it could sound.
Alyssa opened his bedroom door. He was sleeping. Completely peaceful. He looked like he was fine, like nothing had happened the day before. Then she saw the bandages on his forearm soaked with blood. She got into bed and melded her body to his, stroking his face, the dark tufts of his hair. She lay a hand on the gauze on his arm and feathered kisses over his eyelids, his nose,…his lips. She felt him sigh against her and drape his arm over her waist. He parted her lips with his and kissed her softly and slowly.
She felt his hot breath on her face as he broke the kiss and was met with his gaze. His eyes were so warm. 'What are you doing here?" He whispered.
"I wanted to tell you I'm sorry. It was a mean thing to say."
"It's okay. Don't worry about it."
'So you forgive me?"
"Yes."
"Yes?" She asked in surprise.
He smiled.
"I'm just hormonal, you know? I guess people are right about the moody thing."
"You don't have to explain yourself. You were scared. It's okay."
"I saw your letter. That was so sweet, Sam. I was wrong. You're going to make a wonderful father."
His lips curled into an adorable smile. "Really?"
"Of course. You're gonna be so much better at it than me."
He buried his head in the hollow of her neck. He kissed her throat and she almost burst with love when his palm rested in between the flare of her hips over her navel.
He brought his hand up to her face and stroked her cheek. She grasped his arm where the bandaging was. "How did this happen?"
His eyes were somber again. "I was helping my mom in the kitchen, wasn't watching what I was doing."
"That's not true. You hurt yourself…because of me."
"I forgave you remember?"
"I'll never forgive myself."
"It's in the past."
"How are we going to tell our parents?" Alyssa asked.
He smiled sheepishly. "I was hoping we could avoid that whole thing."
"Not for long. I'm gonna start showing soon."
"Your mom is going to be furious. She's going to murder as soon as she find out. And Peter, he'll bring me back to life and then kill me again."
"What about your mom?" Alyssa asked.
"I think she'll be disappointed more than anything. But she's kind. It took me a while to realize that. She won't be angry."
He tucked her silky hair behind her ear. "Whatever happens we'll get through it. We always have."
Sometime later Alyssa lay under his sheets completely bare. His body was molded to hers, legs entwined. She could feel the rise and fall of his breathing against her back and his lips pressed against the back of her head. His fingers traced an imaginary line over her arm. Then he draped his arm over her, his hand grazing the jutting bone of her hip and finally resting over her belly where he caressed her tenderly. Her heart fluttered in her chest. She smiled. "Sam…" she whispered.
"Mmmhh, what?" he yawned.
"You're beautiful and I love you." She said softly.
"No one can be more beautiful than the woman who has my baby inside her."
Alyssa giggled and shifted in his arms, turning over so she was facing him. He gazed at her through half lidded eyes. She ran her hand through his thick hair. "God, I didn't realize how sweet you could be."
"What because I listen to heavy metal and wear black?"
She brushed her nose against his. "That has something to do with it."
He whispered against her lips. "It has everything to do with it." He kissed her gently.
She pulled him on top of her. He laughed against her mouth. They tumbled off the edge of the bed. Sam landed on the ground with a thud, Alyssa on top of him in a tangle of sheets. They both laughed.
Alyssa and Sam sat up leaning against the bed. "Are you feeling up to breakfast?"
"Yes actually. I'm starving!"
Sam smiled. "That's expected."
"Yeah." She breathed.
There was a knock at the door. "Saaam!" Adam called.
"Shit!' Sam yelled.
He heard Alyssa's hybrid of giggles and screams. She stood up, pulling his linens with her and leaving him completely naked.
"Alyssa!" he shouted.
She laughed like a little girl and hid inside his closet. He ran around the room and threw on his clothes hurriedly. Adam opened the door.
"Hi." Sam smiled, his face flushed.
"Mom's not up yet so I'm gonna ask you. Can I have ice cream cake for breakfast?"
Usually he wouldn't have relented. But he just wanted to get rid of the little boy. "Yes."
"Really?" He said in disbelief.
"Yes, really." Sam said with slight agitation.
Alyssa's giggles escaped from the closet.
"What was that?" Adam asked curiously.
"I..uh…left my radio on."
'Oh. Well I'm gonna go have ice cream cake."
"You go do that." Sam forced a smile.
"By the way your shirt is on backwards." He skipped away happily and Sam rolled his eyes at his own appearance.
Sam sighed in relief. Alyssa made her way out of hiding.
"You little shit…"
She laughed hysterically, her eyes completely closed and her cheeks turning red.
"You're lucky you're knocked up. Otherwise I'd kill you."
"Oh spare me please, kind sir."
'Never!"
She couldn't really run with the sheets around her. He caught up to her and scooped her up in his arms growling.
"The monster has you in its clutches."
She threw her head back and screamed. He spun her wildly, laughing as he did so. Finally he slowed and she kissed him. He set her back down on the ground and pulled her to him. She laid her head on his chest. He rested his chin on top of her head, closing his eyes, not seeing, just feeling her.
A year ago he wouldn't have predicted he'd be here with her in his arms, completely his. Not in a million years. And now she loved him as much as he loved her. And she needed him. And she wanted to be with him forever. And she was having his baby.
She raised her head and kissed the gap between his collarbones. He felt immense joy. Everything was finally perfect in his life. His dreams of her over the years; they were no longer just dreams. For the first time in his life he truly had what he wanted. For so long there were things Sam was missing in his life. Things he didn't have, like love and family. And now he had them. And he was completely happy . . . at last.
