Some songs that got me in the mood:
Fire by Pointer Sisters
I'm Your Man by Wham
I Wanna Be Your Lover by Prince
One More Try by George Michael
Clary stood in front of the floor length mirror, rotating her body side to side and gliding a hand down her bare belly. It was barely perceptible but the slight swell, a strange and immovable lump of hard flesh, was definitely there. It was frightening … and amazing. She was going to have a baby and tonight she was going to tell her Aunt and her brother. She lifted her fingers to her mouth and started biting at the already gnawed and nubby nails. She sat down on the bed and then let herself lie back. She rolled over so she was face down on the bed when the bedroom door creaked open. Even on the thickly cushioned mattress, she could feel the slope from the added weight and then the comforting touch of a well known arm around her shoulders.
"Pretty soon you won't be able to lie down like this," the voice spoke in its usual lightly joking tone.
"Ugh," Clary groaned. "Thanks for reminding me, like I'm not already spending every minute of every day on that very subject."
"Lighten up, sweetie," Isabelle pulled Clary around to face her. "You're just stressing about tonight. It'll be a breeze once you get it over with."
"Really?" Clary eyed her skeptically. "What am I gonna do when I can't hide it from anyone? Will they let me stay at school? Will I be a complete outcast? How will I support this baby?" she wailed.
"Clary," Izzy stroked Clary's hair and kept one arm steady around her shoulders. They were both sitting up now. "You know you didn't have to do this. You made this choice … and you've got me and Simon and after tonight I know Jonathan and your aunt will be behind you. We will help you figure this out," Izzy told her but Clary could see the worry behind her eyes.
Of course this would be difficult, probably the hardest thing she'd ever have to face in her life, but she had known from the moment she discovered she was pregnant there was no choice but to have and keep this baby. Even now, knowing … he didn't … want her, she knew she could not give it up. Because for her … it had been the truest, purest love that created what was growing inside her now and even if its father had nothing to do with it, to end this creation would be the worst crime she could commit against herself. To end it would kill the truest, purest love that could ever possibly exist. She would not think about how such a love could have been one sided. If she thought anymore about him, about what she was sure he once felt for her but now walked away from she would revert to a catatonic state and she couldn't do that. She had someone else who needed her now and she had to stay strong.
But, thank God for Izzy, Simon too. Finally, she told them the truth, why she couldn't face anyone, what happened with him … she couldn't say his name. She showed Izzy the letter and they had seen the internet posts about him in New York. They were shocked but they were very kind to her and convinced her to tell her family.
Jonathan was returning for Thanksgiving and Clary managed to stall Izzy's urgings by persuading her it would be better to tell him in person. Of course, the closer she got to this moment of truth, the more she thought it would probably have been better to have broken the news over the phone. But now it was D-day. Too late to phone him now. She didn't have the foggiest clue how she would broach the subject. Still, she would not have to face this alone. Both Izzy and Simon volunteered to join her family reunion, be there when she made the grand announcement, but she refused. Both of them had their own family gatherings to attend. She loved them terribly. She was so grateful for them but she knew they had their own lives and there were some things she had to face alone. Well, not exactly alone. She had this new being with her now and as much as it stung, it possessed a similar energy to … its father. When she first sensed it, not long ago, only a little more than a week ago since this aura came over her, she had been struck with a mixture of numbing anxiety and overwhelming happiness. It was a strange combination. She thought perhaps he had returned but them she realized, no, this was emanating from within her own body. It was coming from this new soul vesseled inside herself and then she felt something entirely new.
This unknown entity, still growing and forming, a source of immeasurable physical and emotional havoc had captured her heart and was becoming the most important thing in her life … but besides this constant companion, there was …
"And Sebastian," Clary added to Izzy's list. "There's Sebastian, of course."
Clary watched Izzy's face cloud over. He had become something of a sore point between them. Clary didn't understand why Izzy turned against him. She had gotten along with him pretty well since they had all started hanging out again as friends and Izzy knew it was Sebastian who essentially brought Clary out of her self imposed exile. Izzy was careful not to bring … him … up but she was blunt about her opinion of Sebastian. She didn't trust him. She didn't think he had Clary's best interests in mind. She didn't understand why … Sebastian was the messenger. Why would Sebastian be tasked to relay the letter to her. Clary couldn't answer these questions. Why would he care who sent the letter to her? He made it all too clear in his note that he didn't care any longer so why should it matter if he never liked Sebastian before? In a way, it made sense that it should be Sebastian. It proved his words were true. If he felt anything for her … she knew Sebastian would be the last person he would entrust to deliver his words to her. He never wanted Sebastian alone with her but now … now that he … moved on … perhaps this was his way of pushing her to move on too. Izzy was also adamant that Clary should tell him about the pregnancy. Clary insisted she didn't want his pity or his money but Izzy declared it was immoral to keep him in the dark about his own child.
"You don't have to ask him for anything, even though I think you should. It's not like you've got any money," Izzy stated matter of factly, "But he should have a right to know his own child. You have to tell him. Let him decide."
Clary couldn't bear the idea of seeing him again. He told her they didn't exist anymore. Would he really be anything but violently opposed at the prospect of a child with someone he cast away? This could not be good news for any eighteen year old let alone one who was moving to England to be closer to another woman.
"So, he's still coming over?" The sour look remained on Izzy's face.
"Yes," Clary nodded.
Sebastian's parents would be away. They usually were. Since Sebastian had brought her the letter, they had been practically inseparable. He had even introduced her to his parents. They were typically only home about one week every two months but Sebastian had the company of a housekeeper, cook and butler/driver. It was eye opening to visit his home. She had never thought much about what his life was like outside of their moments together. He never spoke of his family or home. There was an understated elegance to the luxurious apartment complex he resided in that Clary appreciated and his parents were both clearly well bred, extremely polite and lovely to look at. Both mother and father possessed the dark haired good looks that Sebastian clearly inherited but he more closely resembled his father with the same square jaw, thick brows and full lower lip. Except while Sebastian was generally the picture of a darkly brooding prince, his father exuded a winsome lightness that smoothed the more refined edges of his mother's sophisticated and elite grace. She had been hesitant about meeting them at first. She had not had a good experience meeting parents or rather grandparent. Granted, she only ever met the one guardian of a prospective romantic interest but that had been such a miserable failure she was rather convinced that parents just didn't like her … at least not a boyfriend's parents. And, at this point, she supposed that's what he was, right?
They were together all the time. He brought her to school and picked her up every day. They spent the hours after school until he left for home, usually around ten every day. He introduced her to his parents as his girlfriend and it seemed to be an acknowledged fact around school that she was now dating Sebastian. She didn't refute any of it. When people first asked about them she hadn't known how to respond so she answered with a half shrug and nod that had been accepted as an affirmative.
She had overheard a few girls snarkily comment that it couldn't last. There was no way Sebastian would stick around for her. Whatever she used to ensnare J – obviously didn't survive college and Sebastian would get bored of her soon enough. Clary had only registered a dull ache at the mention of … his name and then activated the emotional shutdown she mastered after the first month apart from … him. She didn't feel anything when they mentioned Sebastian and couldn't tell if it was part of her defense mechanisms or if she just didn't care. She knew this was unfair to Sebastian, that she couldn't tell what was happening between them.
His parents had actually seemed to approve of her. His mother's eyes perked up at the sight of her, told her she was lovely and admired her scarlet hair. His father radiated an easy charm. It wasn't hard to see where Sebastian earned his ease with females and remarkably he did not seem to mind the attention from his parents. She had fully expected a cringing reaction from him but instead he smiled contentedly and only appeared to be interested in her comfort. He kept an arm around her constantly and it was soothing but sometimes it reminded her a little too much of – and she squirmed away from the memory. His parents welcomed her into their home and encouraged hr to visit whenever she liked. Sebastian even informed them he had given her a key to their home and they nodded complacently, the slightest rise to their eyebrows the only indication this may not be commonplace.
Clary looked absently at the clock above her desk. Sebastian should be back soon. He had only left to pick up a few more things for the dinner tonight. His cook had prepared a bountiful traditional Thanksgiving meal and his driver had already delivered all the courses to the Fairchild home. She usually did the cooking for their Thanksgiving dinner but she was too keyed up about tonight's confrontation and fluctuating pangs of nausea that she only halfheartedly refused Sebastian's offer to handle all of the meal's preparations. It was easy to persuade her to accept. Aunt Hodge was obviously impressed by the feast that Sebastian herded onto her dining room table and she even gave Clary an approving nod. She seemed to astonish herself when she mouthed "This one's a keeper," at Clary. She shook her head then as if she were dazed and shuffled away after that, mumbling about old age and insanity. It would have made her laugh once but she was too preoccupied by visions of her aunt throwing the delectable dishes at her and ... Jonathan … God, she couldn't even imagine his reaction. She drew a blank there and that was even scarier. Sebastian embraced her when he observed the nervous despair in her eyes and she didn't think twice when she rested her head against his chest, raising her arms around his neck.
"What am I going to say? How can I possibly tell them?" she worried.
She lowered her head, enjoying the feel of his hand caressing the back of her head.
"I love you," he whispered in her ear. "Just tell them we're getting married and then we can tell them you're pregnant."
She shook her head firmly. "You know I can't do that. They would all blame you. You shouldn't be saddled with this." She kept her arms around him. "I'm sorry. I should let you go. I know I should but …" she couldn't finish. She didn't know how to end it.
"Please stop," Sebastian held her tightly.
Sometimes if she closed her eyes and stopped breathing she could pretend. She could pretend the arms around her belonged to someone else. She had to stop. She inhaled deeply and lowered her hands.
"There's nowhere else I want to be. I only want you. I can wait until you're ready," he said gently, lifted her face up to meet his and kissed her slowly on the lips, delicately at first but more impassioned with the first brush of their lips. They had kissed many times, sometimes for hours, and each time got better. This time she felt as if she may be dissolving. He was a very, very good kisser. It wasn't hard to lose herself in their kisses but … something, an unconscious comparison to … other kisses that blazed through her body and made everything else in the world fade into some far, far away place … well, that had a way of pulling her out of these moments with Sebastian and would not allow her to go any farther than some fervent kissing and touching. But … sometimes she was just so hungry for a man's touch, to feel wanted and treasured, to feel a man's hard body against her and inside her she would do her best to ignore the way her stomach twisted against the memory of what it had once been, how powerfully consuming and blissfully wonderful it had been. She tried to forget but it was no good. At least … for now. It couldn't be like this forever, could it?
Sebastian was always so patient and he always knew when to back away but this time he didn't. She didn't push him away. She never had to. He consistently knew when she was about to turn away and released her before she ever had to make a move but this time as the kiss deepened, he embraced her tighter against himself so that she could easily feel the stiff, well defined lines of his male body and there was no mistaking how much he wanted her. It made her tremble with her own desire. She had trouble remembering who she was and where they were when he brought his left hand up to tenderly fondle her right breast. They felt fuller now than they were only a week ago and had grown highly sensitive, plumped and swelling over her bra cups. She moaned into his mouth and gasped when his right hand lowered to stroke the curve of her ass.
They separated painfully at the sound of her aunt trudging through the hallway in her slippers. She looked up at his glittering black eyes and they panted in unison.
"Do you want to go to your room?" he asked her, his long black lashes curved over half hooded eyes.
Clary didn't think she could speak. She licked her lips in an attempt to unblock the words in her throat.
Sebastian's eyes widened and he lowered his head so that their foreheads touched. Their eyes were so close, their lasheds fluttered against each other. "I want to suck on that sweet tongue, your breasts, every luscious part of your body all night long."
She didn't think she could deny him. She wanted him more than she had allowed herself to acknowledge. She wanted to feel him inside her. She wanted him to make her come ... but then, "My brother will be home any minute."
Sebastian slowly lifted his head and his hands moved to clasp her waist. "So … we'll wait."
The lusty promise in his eyes might have terrified her once, long ago, but now she was fighting against a rising erotic tide of want that couldn't wait to have his mouth back on her.
"I'll go get those pies," he smiled down at her.
The mention of pies made her mouth water and stomach grumble. She wasn't embarrassed when his smile widened and he brought his full lips to her neck. "We'll take care of this first," he said while rubbing her belly sensuously and the feel of his breath against her ear, his hand slowly sweeping up and down her abdomen had her core doing spiraling backflips. "I can't wait for tonight. After you've been fed and then I can eat." He said this in such a sultry way that she felt a hot blush blooming up her cheeks.
She was incredibly confused. She didn't know why or how things had turned this sharp corner between them. All she knew was suddenly, inexplicably, she was ready for something more with Sebastian. There was a smile on his face and an excited glow in his eyes that told her he could read her body and he knew.
"B-but Sebastian," she stuttered. "I'm pretty sure I'll either be locked up or homeless after tonight."
"You're staying with me." His burning eyes made her feel powerless to resist. "And then you can decide … if you want to be mine." She thought she might faint from the heat billowing between them. The type of heat she hadn't felt in a long time or … allowed herself to feel. She started to shake her head. No, she couldn't do this. She was carrying … someone else's child.
"Please Clary. Give me this chance. Let me show you how good it can be," he pleaded.
There was a desperate hope on his face. His dark, midnight eyes were so full of longing … and love, so very different from the colors that possessed her heart … had possessed her heart … but … she was letting go now.
"Alright, Sebastian," she murmured, "if either of us survive, I'll … stay with you tonight … but, you really don't have to do this."
The exhilaration on Sebastian's face was like a balm to her frayed soul. He loved her. She believed it. Of course … it helped that he would tell her constantly, every day, with each greeting and goodbye. When he first told her, it had not been welcome. She cared for him too much to want that. She knew it could only hurt him then but now … now that the reason … no longer existed … now … she could feel a return of those feelings germinating. She was scared to let it flourish. What if he meant it now but then it all came to another disastrous end. Was there something wrong with her? Maybe she couldn't sustain this kind of love. Maybe she was only meant to be loved for brief periods? She was fairly certain she could never love another man with the same ardor, abandon, with all of her being. She had her once in a lifetime. She was sure of it and it seemed wrong to … limit Sebastian this way. Suppose she held onto him and because of that he missed his once in a lifetime. She would try to explain this to him. She had to make sure he understood even if it meant losing him. He had done so much for her. She could not hold him back, rob him of knowing that kind of unforgettable, all encompassing love that she wouldn't, even now, trade for anything in the world.
"You've made me so happy," Sebastian whispered, his hand warm against her cheek. "I promise you'll never have a reason to regret loving me. I love you," he told her and then left with assurances he'd be back before she could think of missing him.
Her eyes glazed over trying to make sense of it all. It was useless to ever plan anything since her life had veered from one extreme to the other since that fateful day. It seemed so long ago … that she first laid eyes on him.
"You know you have to tell him," Izzy repeated in a stern voice that Clary had unhappily heard too often lately.
Clary tried to look away but Izzy wasn't having it.
"It's the only right thing to do. You haven't even spoken to him. That's some bullshit," she huffed.
Clary shut her eyes tight. She didn't know why Izzy had to force this issue. Couldn't she understand?
"Don't you get it?" Clary spit out.
"What? I know he hurt you. At the very least you should get to bawl him out. At the very least he shouldn't get to walk out and pretend like you two never happened, that you two didn't matter." Izzy was angry now.
"Are you trying to kill me?" Clary blared at her. "Because if I have to see him, hear him say the words on that letter … I'll never survive that! Do you hear me? Do you understand anything?!"
They were both standing, fists curled, limbs locked and stiff in combative stances and then … Izzy let out a long loud breath and tears trickled down her face.
"What are you doing?" Clary asked, her voice softened and bewildered.
"I just … I don't believe it. Any of it," Izzy's voice trembled. "I was there. I saw what you meant to him. I can't believe that could just … end. Not like this."
Clary turned away from her. She loved Izzy but she was wrong. She could not allow herself to believe what Izzy was saying. If she believed and she hoped, there would be nothing left when he decimated her again.
"Izzy, you have to go. I know you mean well but until you can … stop talking about him ... I can't talk to you. I have to move on, like he told me to. It's the only way for me to keep going," Clary said in a stony voice.
She heard a few more sniffles and then the door clicked shut. Izzy had left.
She hated this. She didn't want to be at odds with Izzy. She was her best friend and a wonderful person but … was she right? Seriously was she actually considering going down this road? You do know where this will take you? But … Izzy cared for her. Izzy was the one of the best people she knew. Izzy … was right. It wasn't just about herself. Not anymore and that alone would have to be enough. She couldn't be weak.
Fine. She would call him. One last message into the void. Chances are you'll never hear from him one way or another. You're just too afraid to hear even his recorded voice but … you're about to tell your brother and your aunt that you're going to be a teenage mother, you can do this. You can make a phone call to tell him the truth. He may never listen to it. Hey may delete it as soon as he hears your voice. That's probably what he's done to the hundreds of messages you've already left him but you've got to tell him this one last thing. Give him a chance to know his child even if he doesn't want you.
She sat back on her bad and let the shaking take over her body. That's right, get it out. Accept it. He doesn't want you. J-Jace doesn't want you and that's that.
Clary picked up her phone and connected to his number. It rang once, twice and then the click to voicemail. There was no sound, no recorded message this time. Well, he must have deleted it. Maybe he doesn't want anyone calling him maniacally just to listen to his voice over and over again. It was a relief actually … not to have to hear it.
Ok, here goes, "J-Jace, it's Clary. So, this is the last time I'm calling, I swear. I won't bother you again. I wasn't going to tell you but … well … I thought about it and Izzy's right, you should know. You need to decide what you want to do with that knowledge. Just know I'm not … I don't expect anything from you. I don't expect us to … get back together. I'm not going to ask you for anything so … don't worry. It's just you should know cause … I guess … you just should. I …" she felt the words get caught in her throat. She couldn't do it. She couldn't say it. She had to say it. Just do it! "I'm pregnant. So … that's it. I'm having it. Goodb—."
"Clary," a raspy voice stopped her. Her blood seemed to freeze in her veins.
She dropped the phone. Holy shit! Stupid, stupid, stupid! It was … was it? He sounded so different. She looked at the phone, still lit up with his name on the floor. She slowly kneeled down and picked it up, bringing it back to her ear.
"Jace?" she whispered.
