28:

Lie to me

When I was younger, I never gave much thought to boys. I felt average at best, so I never let myself become attached to thought of having a boyfriend. All through high school, I focused on the 'important' things – schoolwork, a job, college – but never boys. By the time I hit twenty-one years old, I was ready to focus on boys. But, and being honest, I didn't want to pick anyone up in the bar scene.

So my love life diminished until recently…

I feel like I've been on display since the world turned into a real-life game of humans vs. zombies. I feel like I've been documenting my life to an empty audience just to keep myself alive. But there are some details that you just don't document. Not because you don't want to, but those details are just too intimate to share with the world.

This was one of those times.

It was more than just fucking for the sake of doing it – it was finally being close to him. It was realizing that he did see me as more than just a 'little girl.'

I felt silly and awkward at first. Who wouldn't? I was finally alone with the man I'd fallen in love with and he was finally willing to show me that he felt some form of emotion for me, but I felt shy and unbelievably inexperienced.

To my surprise, so did he.

We were like two of those corpses going at it - clawing and pawing at clothes and gripping the cracked leather bench. The noises we were making sounded less human than those of the moaning dead things outside. If I wasn't so involved, it could have been comical.

But after the initial awkward stage, it became … romantic. Well, it was as romantic as having sex in a beat up old truck during a zombie apocalypse could be.

As I said though – there are some details that remain locked inside your head, meant only for you. Some moments that you can think about later in life and smile – but only you can smile because only youknow about it.

Some things are too perfect to let the outside world know about it.

Things just felt perfect on the ride back to the farm. I was allowed to actually get close to Daryl now. I rested my head on his shoulder while he drove us back to camp. But the closer we got to this makeshift "home" we got, the more I realized that I didn't want to go back.

Look at what we just did – the privacy, the freedom we just had. We don't have that at the farm. We're at the mercy of Hershel and his family. We're cast out to the edge of the farm and have to ask permission to everything. I honestly expected him to bring a sign in sheet out so he could monitor when we all went to the bathroom. I hated being under their watchful eyes. I hated that they all knew everything.

More than that, I hated sharing every moment with the rest of the group. Every little moment of our life was shared with the others. Every fight we had was public. Every time we would show any form of affection, we knew they were watching. It was mostly because they didn't trust me.

It's funny to think of this group trusting the dirty, animal killing redneck more than me. But they think I'm an unstable danger to the group. And it doesn't usually bother me, but after spending this much time away and having this much freedom with Daryl, I didn't want to go back.

"What's wrong?"

He asked watching me.

I hadn't realized that he had stopped driving until I lifted my head and looked around. We were pulled over just before the farm. I could see the little metal mailbox that indicated the Greene farm.

"Nothing."

I lied.

"When are you going to realize you can't lie to me? Now spill it."

"I don't want to go back."

I unwillingly admitted.

"Go back where?"

He asked genuinely confused.

I chewed my lip for a minute and sighed defeated.

"Back to the farm. Back to them."

I said ducking my ashamed face into his shoulder again.

"Why?"

"It doesn't matter. Let's just go."

I said, though it came out muffled through his shirt.

"We're not going anywhere until you talk to me."

He wasn't angry like I was expecting. His voice was soft and he put an arm around me. I guess what they say is true – sex soothes the savage beast… wait; I don't think that's the right phrase. But you get the idea.

"Kay…"

"I hate it here. We're watched constantly as if we're the dangerous ones."

I said looking up at him.

"Hershel is protecting his family."

Daryl explained like I was asking a simple addition question.

"I get that. But it's more than just Hershel and his daughters. It's the group. Except for Glenn and those few kids running around, everyone else watches me like I'm going to go postal on the group. I hate it."

Daryl sighed and nodded. He didn't say anything for a few minutes, and neither did I. He was debating something. I could tell by the way he was pulling his eyebrows together and chewing his thumb.

"Kaydence, if you're that unhappy, why are you staying?"

He asked honestly.

"Because I have a reason to stay."

I said confused.

"Which is?"

"The idiot sitting next to me."

I joked awkwardly.

Daryl nodded and started chewing his thumb again.

"I hate when you do that."

I commented but he ignored me and kept chewing his thumb.

"Let's go then."

He said suddenly after a few minutes.

"And go where?"

"Anywhere. If you're that unhappy, we need to fix it."

"I'm not unhappy. I just hate that fucking farm."

"I do too, but we have no where else to go."

I nodded agreeing with him.

But then he smiled down at me.

"I'll make you a deal."

He said.

"You're becoming quite the deal maker lately."

I joked.

"Give me two weeks to find us a place to go. Two weeks to find a place for us to be safe. And when I find that place, we'll leave. We don't even have to tell the others. We can pack up and leave, okay?"

I debate for a minute.

Was he serious?

Did he think I would change my mind in those two weeks?

Was he hoping I'd change my mind?

I stared at him for a minute. I watched his face for any sign of joking. He was serious right down to the scowl on his face.

"Seriously?"

I asked cautiously.

"I swear it."

"And you're okay with leaving?"

"I think you need me more than any of them there, so yes I'm okay with it."

"So you're only okay with it because you think I need you?"

I asked becoming slightly offended.

"No. I'm going because I love you, stupid."

Even though he said 'I love you,' I still rolled my eyes at his dumb insult.

"Fine. Two weeks and then we leave, right?"

I asked looking up at him.

"I promise."

He said leaning down to kiss my forehead.

Two weeks?

I could handle two weeks here. I'd make the best of it and keep dreaming of the day when Daryl and I leave on our own. We could make it. We could make our own "home" in this new homeless world.