"Your father is visiting you."

The words alone filled Yasuhara with dread. But despite that fact, he could not refuse the visit.

Because there was a chance, a small one admittedly, that his suicide attempt would have made his father reconsider everything, that his father would accept him for who he was and love him and…

He doubted it. But there was hope.

Yasuhara showered and began to dry himself. But he could not bring himself to put his clothes on yet. So he showered again.

Once dressed, he begged the use of a razor so he could shave. His father would not approve of him looking unkempt. The nurses had been reluctant to agree at first, so Joy had said she would supervise him.

While he understood their concerns, he hated being treated like he was going to do something stupid any minute. He did not think he had the energy to try again.

Joy asked all about Mai as he rid his chin of the patchy stubble it had grown over the last week. Yasuhara gave a brief account of their friendship.

"We have a table tennis table in the activity room," Joy told him after he shared the fact that he and Mai sometimes played together. "Maybe you two can play next time, if you're feeling up to it."

"Would I be allowed?"

"I don't see why not."

"Maybe then."

He gave a half smile.

Yasuhara washed his face and inspected for any stray hairs that he had missed. Once he was satisfied that his chin was smooth, he handed the razor back to Joy.

He dressed in the pyjamas that the Matron had given him and returned to his bed to wait. Joy had given him a puzzle book the previous night to keep him occupied, but he could not concentrate on it now.

His body jittered, hands fidgeting and legs twitching; anxiety infiltrating every fibre of his being.

He wondered if his mother and sister would come to.

Joy had not mentioned them, but that did not mean they would not come. His shaking hands raked through his hair, trying to make it look smart as if that would help the situation.

"... just through here. Would you like the curtain's drawn?"

Yasuhara's head snapped up. His father was here.

"Please," his father said.

A cold shiver ran down Yasuhara's spine. He took a deep breath.

His father took a seat and waited for Joy to close the curtains.

"Hi, Dad."

"The woman I spoke to on the phone told me something about you doing something stupid," his father began, "But you wouldn't be so foolish as to attempt suicide, would you, Osamu?"

Yasuhara gulped.

"No, of course not," he lied. "It was just an accident."

"I thought so. These busy bodies coming up with ludicrous theories. They've told me they want to keep you here over the Christmas break."

"Yeah."

"Now about you quitting Mathematics," his father went on. "I am not impressed with this decision of yours. If it was too hard—"

"It was not that, I was not enjoying the course and thought it would be better to focus my studies on the subjects more prevalent to my university studies."

"I see. I am still not impressed."

"I'm sorry."

"I had to cancel two meetings to see you today," his father told him.

"Mum could have come…"

His father chuckled darkly.

"Oh no, I didn't bother to worry your mother about this. You know what she's like. She'd get very upset knowing you were ill. She is not over your decision to move to boarding school."

Yasuhara bit his tongue to prevent himself from speaking.

"How is—"

"Your mother is doing very well otherwise," his father interrupted. "As is your sister. Her grades are exemplary and her harp lessons are coming along nicely."

"Good. I'm glad they are both well. What are you going to tell them—"

"About why you aren't home for Christmas?"

Yasuhara nodded.

"That you are staying with a friend to revise for January exams."

"But I don't have any."

"They don't know that," his father said with a force smile. "Nor do they need to."

Yasuhara nodded again.

"How long have you got?"

"My train is in," he checked his watch, "half an hour. I should probably head off. I hoped to get some food before returning home."

"Okay."

"Get better, boy."

"Will do, bye."

Yasuhara's father walked away without a backwards glance.

Yasuhara did not realise he was crying until Joy came over and asked if he wanted his curtain open again. He lifted his fingers to his face and wiped away a tear.

"Maybe later," she suggested gently. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Yasuhara shook his head, wriggled under the duvet and turned his back to her. He listened to her footsteps as she walked away.


Yasuhara: Any chance you can visit again?

Mai: Sure, when?

Yasuhara: All the time? Any time? I have my first appointment tomorrow morning with a therapy counsellor person… Maybe after that?

Mai: I'll see what I can do.

Remembering that Mai did not hate his guts did not fill the gaping hole in Yasuhara's heart, but it helped.

He broke a row of chocolate from the bar that the Matron brought him and bit off a piece the end of the row. Instead of chewing, he savoured the flavour and tried to refocus on the crossword in front of him.

"Twelve across, assertion of opinions as truths," he read out. "Nine letters…"

He glanced at the letters he had already.

"Something, something, something, something, A, something, something, something, M."

"Dogmatism."

Yasuhara spun around on his bed to see Joy with his dinner.

"Thanks."

He filled in the word, ticked off the clue and sat up for his dinner.

"How are you feeling?"

"Better than before. I'm sorry for being rude."

"It's okay. You're allowed to be upset," Joy said. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"He just… He doesn't believe any of my problems are real. And then instead of correcting him I just go along with what he says."

"Going against your parents is tough."

"He's going to lie to my mum and sister. He's just erasing this…"

"That doesn't make it any less real."

"But when I next see them… I'll have to pretend."

"What would happen if you told the truth?"

Yasuhara sighed. He tried to ponder the possibilities, but it exhausted him just thinking about it. Like pushing a boulder up a hill, only to find another peak to climb after that.

"He'd get angry. It's not worth it."

"I'm sorry," Joy said. "But you've got your first appointment with the counsellor tomorrow, haven't you?"

"Yeah." Yasuhara bite into a limp carrot. "Is it really going to help?"

"I haven't been here too long, but most of the patients I have spoken to thought it did."

"And the ones that didn't?"

"They explored other methods," she said. "It isn't the only way to help you, remember that."

Yasuhara ate another limp carrot. It did not taste like carrot at all, 'watery orange mush' would be more appropriate.

"I always thought hospital food being bad was a joke. Like, it couldn't be worse than school canteen food… But it really is…"

"Well, if the doctors agree, you will be allowed to go out on day trips."

"So I could go and get some real food," Yasuhara said, pretending to drool.

Joy laughed.

"Well, I have to go and hand out a few other dinners."

"Thanks again."


"Hello Osamu, my name is Dr Friskine, but you can call me James if you prefer."

"I prefer to go by my surname."

"Okay then, Yasuhara," Dr Friskine corrected, stroking his greying moustache. "Now, today's session is just going to be about working out how to help you best. So I want you to tell me a little about yourself."

"Like what?"

"What are your hobbies?"

"I… Don't really have any. I mean I play table tennis with a friend occasionally. But that's more to see them than actually play table tennis."

"That's fine," Dr Friskine said. "So you like socialising?"

"I guess…"

"What about movies? Music? Books?"

"I haven't seen anything recently," Yasuhara admitted. "But I'm not too fussy."

"Who is your best friend?"

This one had Yasuhara stumped. It certainly was not Chris. It could not be Eugene. He could not honestly say he had a 'best friend'. Did anyone he knew really try to get to know him beyond a superficial level?

"Maybe, Mai?"

"Tell me about her."

"She's tiny and brunette and a year younger than me."

"I see," Dr Friskine mused. "Why do you like her? Why do you two get on so well?"

"She's really nice?"

"Go on."

Yasuhara was starting to hate this. He balled his fists up and tried to think of something substantial enough.

"I help her out with History and she listens to my problems and we play table tennis together."

There it was, a summary of their entire friendship.

"Have you spoken to her since your attempt?"

"Yes, she came to see me," Yasuhara said.

"How was she?"

"Wanting answers of course." Yasuhara paused for a moment to think about his conversation with Mai. "And she told me to tell whoever was helping some things."

"Do you want to?"

"No."

"That's okay—"

"But I'm going to anyway, if you'll listen."

"Of course."

And so Yasuhara repeated his words from the previous day. His voice held an oddly mechanical quality to it. This time he felt no emotion. As if an empty cavern had opened up inside his chest where feeling should have existed.

He did not look at Dr Friskine as he spoke. Yasuhara stared at a point on the wall where the paint had chipped away, revealing pinkish grey brick underneath.

When he had finished recounting what he had told Mai, he went on to talk about Eugene.

"I met him when I moved schools," Yasuhara said. "He was gorgeous and kind and… I really liked him. And he liked me but…"

And now emotions returned. They seeped into every fibre of his being and froze him to the core. He could not move for fear that the sheer intensity would kill him.

He stopped breathing, lost in the icy pool of disgust that threatened to drown him.

"...hara? What happened?"

"Sorry." Yasuhara shook his head in an attempt to clear it. "I… I wasn't very good to him."

"Did you hit him?"

"No. I… I did verbal things."

He could not find the words. Someone had stolen the dictionary from his brain.

"Did you call him names?"

Yasuhara shook his head.

"Did you try to put him down at all?" Dr Friskine prompted.

"Kind of. Control. I…"

"You kept control of the relationship?"

Yasuhara nodded.

"And then I… I didn't listen… He said no and I… I didn't stop."

He could not say the word. His mouth could not form the 'r'.

"I see."

Dr Friskine made a few notes on his piece of paper.

"Will you still help me?"

"Of course. Why wouldn't we?"

"Because I… I hurt him."

"That doesn't matter, you need help too. Does Eugene have people helping him?"

"I don't really know. His brother won't let me near him. Mai tells me a few things but I don't know if he's getting professional help or not…"

"I see."

Yasuhara waited as Dr Friskine wrote a few more things down. The elderly man alternated between notes and stroking his moustache.

"Now have the doctors talked to you about antidepressants?"

"If they have I wasn't conscious enough to remember it."

"Okay, well I am going to have a word with them about it," he said. "Now I am going to see you again on Wednesday, same time. In the meantime, I will go and work out the best course of action to help you through this."

"Okay."

"But just before you go, as we're almost out of time, I want to know if you still feel suicidal?"

Yasuhara shrugged.

"I don't know."

"Okay, well if you started to feel that way now, what would keep you going? You don't have to answer straight away."

Yasuhara tried to think of a reason. His mind was blank until a single image floated across the abyss; brown eyes brimming with liquid and a quivering lip.

"Mai will cry again if I do. I don't want her to cry."

"Good, hold on to that. We'll finish here for today."

Yasuhara returned to his ward alone. A weight had been taken from shoulders.

"Ah! Yasuhara, you have a visitor waiting for you," Joy said as he entered the room.

"Is it Mai?"

"No it's—"

Yasuhara's mouth went dry. His body's warmth evaporated along with any chance of a jovial mood. It could not be. But no one else knew. None of the nurses knew to stop him.

And so a single word fell from Yasuhara's lips.

"Gene."


Author's note: oops cliffhanger... Please review!