CHAPTER 28 – SOMETHING MISSING
Small sharp rocks dug into his face and he felt the cold immediately. No face full of sand this time. P8T198. Home. Back in the Pegasus galaxy. Blearily he peered around him in the half light that seemed to perpetually fall over this bleak planet. He was alone, obviously they had not expected his arrival. No problem. Get to the gate, dial Atlantis and step back. Back to where? Home.
And then it hit him like a sucker punch. He had left her there. Albeit she could come here in three months, but that seemed a life time. Especially since it felt he had just lived a lifetime in the past few days. He stumbled across the rocky ground, remembering the general direction of the stargate and when he saw the stargate for the first time in so many days, he paused and found himself smiling, then laughing. The damn stargate. The glue that held this and all other universes together. After all, he had just been the one that had had to glue all the pieces back together.
He dialled the gate, pulled out his personal IDC which he kept on him at all times and waited until the event horizon had settled before keying in his personal IDC. He no longer had his radio – just had to hope really that Atlantis were quick to recognise his IDC and open the shield to allow his access. He tossed one look over his shoulder, in the direction of the stone portal that had sent him back to find a woman who had managed to weave her way into his heart, then stepped through the gate. Back to Atlantis.
He simply stood when he arrived, stood quietly in the gate room and using his eyes only, he surveyed the surrounding room and flicking them upwards, took in the personnel who stood in the control room looking down. Several marines stood with their weapons trained on him, waiting on instructions to stand down. Elizabeth and two gate technicians stood in the control room, Elizabeth had a smile on her face and held her hand up in a wave, but he couldn't seem to find the strength to acknowledge her.
"Stand down gentlemen. It's me. Really."
The marines remained uncertain and it was Major Lorne stepping into the gate room repeating the same command that had them finally dropping their weapons and shuffling a little. Feeling just a little uneasy at having to show distrust to a superior officer.
"Sorry about that Colonel Sheppard. As you know, we couldn't take the chance that you had been compromised. Especially when Rodney and Ronon came hightailing it back with the story of the century. You know how Rodney is, Sir?"
"Yeah Lorne... about that... God. I'm so tired." He just stood and dragged his hand through his hair and down his still unshaven face. "And this needs some serious attention!" Rubbing against the growth it make a rasping unpleasant sound and Major Lorne grimaced.
"With all due respect sir... I couldn't agree more!"
John grinned then. He was home. And he would bring her back, but he belonged here – in this time and doing what he did best. Out chasing aliens and flying spaceships – to put it in simple terms, for afterall, these were his simple pleasures. He had spent some time in 1962 questioning his reasons for doing what he did, but that was another time. This was his time and where he was meant to be. His smile grew as he imagined all the things he could show Gina when she got there.
"John. It's good to see you." Elizabeth as always was slightly reserved, standing back slightly to watch his mood before speaking to him. Having ascertained that he was indeed in a reasonably good mood, she stepped closer, peered at his unshaven dangerous looking face and thought better of it. "No shavers in 1962, Colonel?"
"It was indeed an interesting year Elizabeth, and you'll be amazed at some of the things I discovered. Really! Kinda blew me away. But first, sleep, shower and shave and I'm not sure of the order these will come in.. then we can do the debrief. It'll be a doozy, I'll warn you now. I'll also warn you... I'm bringing back someone from 1962. There were conditions to what I had to do – anicent conditions, so the choice was never mine to make. But she's coming here, to be with me. In three months. If anything official needs to be done on earth to sort this out, it could be tricky – turns out she's related to half the people who are involved in the stargate programme... except me, thank god! Anyway, I'm going. Now. 2012. Wow. I came back and everything's still the same. I think?" Muttering to himself now, he left the gate room, Elizabeth watching him shaking her head. And not looking forward to the debrief.
He walked into his private quarters. The shower and shave could wait. Suddenly his bed looked mightly fine at the moment and walking toward it he managed to find the strength to pull off his boots and that was about it. He simply rolled backwards, punched his pillow and rolled over, sighing a little. Sleep – for just a while, then it would be time to deal with all the questions that Elizabeth would no doubt have for him, and the ones he still had for himself.
He slept deep and hard and was plagued a little with dreams that hovered on the edge of his consciousness. Not really there, just fragments and tiny pieces. He struggled to reach out and pull them in, assuming that they were somehow important. He tossed restlessly once he realised that they remained out of reach, and when he awoke the bed was empty and that didn't sit right with him. He had reached out automatically for her body, sure it would be there beside him, here in this timeline, and when he rubbed the residual of sleep from his eyes and rolled over and saw indeed that she remained in her own time.
Something moved then. Something dark, shifting slightly inside him and he took a deep breath. And felt suddenly that something was wrong. Not here.. there. Something was wrong. Panic set in, and he hurried through his cleanup, staring without seeing, into the slightly fogged mirror as he attempted to shave. He reached out a hand to wipe it clear, saw the darkness that still sat in his eyes and blinked once, twice – but it remained. A nervous energy filled him now, and hearing a knock at the door he quickly moved towards it, activating the door release to show Ronon on the other side, a bemused look on his face.
"Sheppard. Back in one piece I see. Home." He reached out a hand to give John a friendly punch on the shoulder, pulling back at the last minute when he saw the expression in his friend's eyes.
"John? What's up? Thought you'd be glad to be back. We've got missions piling up with our name on them." Ronon rarely missed anything and now he took in the suppressed energy and the way John's eyes flickered restlessly, rather than settle on anything and felt instant concern.
"You been to see Carson yet? Been checked out to make sure that this time travel stuff hasn't screwed you up in any way?" Finally John's eyes settled on him and he shook his head and Ronon felt a quick flicker of relief when John finally spoke.
"I feel 'off' Ronon. Felt fine when I stepped through the gate. Home. Yeah. But now? Something's off kilter. Wrong. Maybe I will go and see the doc."
"I'll come with you Sheppard. Make sure you don't get lost." John missed the worried look he tossed back at his friend and the worry stayed on Ronon's face as they made their way through the hallway to the infirmary. He lounged negligently against the wall near the back of the infirmary while Dr Beckett gave John a full work up, and kept his eyes on them the whole time. Not that he didn't trust the doctor – hell, he'd certainly patched him up more than one time, but this time travel thing, it was nothing they had any knowledge of and that was always of concern. Meddling in things that knew nothing about. Pretty much par for the course here in Atlantis.
"I can't see anything physical Colonel. All your vital signs are fine. Heart's doing as well as can be expected considering you've been back and forward in time, fifty years to be exact. We would think that this would have some sort of effect on your body, but I gave Rodney and Ronon a thorough checking over when they came back through and I found nothing in either of them. You said you felt a little 'off'? Is that something like those famous spidey senses of yours?"
He smiled, to show that he was partly joking but his keen eyes watched for John's reaction. The Colonel did seem a little quiet and his reflexes were a little slower than normal – but tiredness could play a part in that.
"Yeah, 'off' doc, like a little piece of me is not there – missing. Like I didn't come back with all the right bits..."
"I can assure you Colonel Sheppard, that all the right bits are most certainly in the right places, at least as far as I can see. I don't really know what to tell you. Could be just a bit of diorientation – did you feel something similar when you arrived? You would likely experience something like that more so than Rodney and Ronon, mainly because you had been sent there precisely to do a job – and there were several connections that related to you in particular." Carson paused and made a few notes onto a sheet of paper and turned it around so that John could see it.
"Presentism and Eternalism – heard of these John?"
John rolled his eyes. Another lecture. Great. "Sorry Doc – you're talking philosophy here, major debates on the whys and wherefores of past, present and modern culture. Not really relevant?"
"Actually John, entirely relevant. After effects of what you have just been through. According to Presentism, time is an ordering of various realities. At a certain time some things exist and others do not. This is the only reality we can deal with and we cannot for example say that John exists because at the present time he does not. An Eternalist, on the other hand, holds that time is a dimension of reality on a par with the three spatial dimensions, and hence that all things—past present and future—can be said to be just as real as things in the present are. According to this theory, then, John really does exist, though we must still use special language when talking about somebody who exists at a distant time—just as we would use special language when talking about something a long way away (the very words near, far, above, below, over there, and such are directly comparable to phrases such as in the past, a minute ago, and so on). Getting it yet?"
Ronon from his vantage point simply rolled his eyes. Worse than one of Rodney's lectures. At least that had a point. Like an end result. This? Not so much.
John nodded. "I get it doc. I'm having difficulty dealing with the fact that I interacted with people then, and these same people had ties to people I interact with now. The various realities as opposed to three spacial dimensions. Past present and future. And just thinking about how all those realities tied in together nearly did my head in then, and it's not getting any better the more I think about it now."
Elizabeth had walked in then and heard the last part of Carson's conversation. "In four days John, you dealt with three different realities, and while it could be likened to dimension changes – I think your mind had to change the way it processed things in order to deal with everything. I want to hear everything John, as succintly as you can – this is going to be one mission report that is going to set earth on it's ear – especially as it relates to some of the personnel over at the SGC now. You'll need to have it clear in your mind, so start now. From the beginning."
And John sat on the bed in the infirmary and did just that. Swinging his legs lightly as he dredged back in his mind for events that happened fifty years ago, but in his reality – four days ago. Presentalism and Eternalism. What the hell did it matter. Whatever the result. He left something behind. But didn't know yet what that was, just knew that when he figured it out. Then another thought occurred to him.
Left something behind? Maybe I brought something back with me... something I shouldn't have. Out of reach...
