He was dreaming again

...

Once again, apologies for taking so long with this. Thank you as always to Miss Becky, for beta and encouragement, and thank you to everybody who's reading, especially you folks who've sent me such delightful reviews. These folks aren't mine legally, whatever I might think, so no copy right infringement intended. Same disclaimers as the rest of the story. Enjoy!

Twenty-four

He didn't mean to eavesdrop, but the door was open and their voices carried out to the stairs as he climbed them.

"You can't go on like this."

"And what am I supposed to do, Davy?" Todd's voice had that raw, desperate edge that frightened Anthony. "I can't tell him to—" He broke off abruptly as Anthony reached the landing.

They were both staring at him when he walked in. He looked from one to the other and breathed, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... I just came for..." He edged across the room and scooped up one of the blankets from his bed. "Mrs. L sent me for... I'm sorry..."

He almost fell down the steps in his haste to get away.

ooooo

"What you gonna do now that he don't need you no more?"

He'd thought about that—and about Samuel's suggestion that he go back to sea—as he'd finished his errands that day, and as he'd walked back to the shop, and almost every waking moment since. Samuel had no idea how right he'd been with his casual question. Todd didn't need him anymore. And that hurt, because he still needed Todd.

The night before, he'd curled on his pallet, pretending to sleep, and stared at the dark mound of shadows on the bed and wondered how and when and why Todd had become so important to him that he couldn't imagine a life without Todd in it. He knew that was a silly, romantic notion, because of course he could live without Todd, just…not as happily, perhaps. Because even though Todd was difficult and troubled and confusing and damaged, he made Anthony happy as no one else ever had.

Just being Todd's friend—even without the tension between them that his foolish action on Sunday had caused—wasn't enough, not after almost believing he could be so much more. Maybe it was time to move on. Signing on with the Bountiful, leaving London… It would be a chance to make a new life. And maybe, in time, he'd even find someone else to love.

ooooo

Anthony busied himself folding the blanket and putting it with the other picnic things, checking and double-checking and triple-checking to make sure the basket had enough food and drink, smiling at Mrs. Lovett and Toby as they chattered on about how perfect the day was and what a good time they were going to have.

"Did y' ask Mr. T an' Davy if they're almost ready?"

He shook his head. She frowned at him.

"Y' not gonna be at odds w' Mr. T today, are y'?"

"I'm not at odds with him." He didn't sound convincing, even to himself.

Mrs. Lovett made a clucking sound of disapproval and elbowed Toby. "Go fetch y' master an' Mr. T." The minute he'd scooted out the door, she turned on Anthony. "You an' Mr. T need t'—"

"I'm ready, Mrs. L." Johanna hurried in from the back, pink-cheeked and beaming with eagerness. "How do I look?"

Grateful for the interruption, Anthony gave her a smile and said, "You look wonderful."

"Thank you, sir." She went to check the basket. "And doesn't this look wonderful. You've outdone yourself, Anthony."

"I hope there's enough food."

"As long as we get our share before we let Toby at it." She giggled.

"I heard that!" Toby poked his head in and grinned. "They're ready. Let's go!"

Anthony gathered up the basket. Mrs. Lovett and Johanna each took one of the blankets, although Connor said, "Let me," and took them both the minute they exited the shop. Todd stood behind him, hand on the railing, staring at the ground. Johanna went straight to him, frowning worriedly.

"Are you sure you feel up to this, Father?"

Anthony thought it was a measure of how well their relationship had progressed that she had no qualms about questioning his health.

"I'm all right." Todd was obviously trying not to speak sharply to her, and mostly succeeding. "The fresh air'll do me good."

"If you're sure…"

He gave her one of his looks and set out on his own.

ooooo

Both he and Todd were quiet on the walk, Todd leading, Anthony following behind, the others laughing and talking and enjoying the outing. By the time they reached the little park, it was obvious to Anthony that the walk had tired Todd. As soon as the blankets were spread on the ground beneath a tree, he dropped onto one, leaned back, and closed his eyes.

Anthony watched him anxiously, pretending he wasn't, hoping no one would notice. He helped Mrs. Lovett unpack the basket and hand the food around. Todd roused for that, nibbling at the meat and cheese Johanna handed him, smiling at the stories Connor told about his customers, offering advice to Toby when the boy set out with his kite.

Anthony found he had little to say. He sat with his legs crossed in front of him, looking around at the people who'd been strangers just three months before, but had become his family, wondering if they'd miss him as much as he'd miss them. He'd wondered if Todd would miss him, or simply be relieved that the one person who knew so many of his secrets was gone.

Toby came running back after crashing the kite and flung himself down with an eager, "We gonna eat again?" And so they did.

Afterwards, Todd shifted to stretch out on the blanket. With a quick, "Here, Father," Johanna moved so that he could rest his head in her lap. She smiled down at him and began to play with the streak of white in his hair.

"I wonder if my hair will turn like that when I'm old."

"I'm not that old," he muttered.

She giggled and tugged at the strand, and once again Anthony felt sick with jealousy and ashamed of himself for feeling that way all at the same time.

"Your hair's not like mine, anyway. You have your mother's hair."

"Mrs. Barker was a beautiful lady," Connor said softly. "Almost as pretty as her daughter."

Johanna blushed and murmured, "Thank you, sir."

"Stupid love talk." Toby jumped up. "I'm goin' down by the creek."

"Be careful," Connor and Mrs. Lovett said in unison. He made a face and ran.

"He's a good lad."

"That he is, Mrs. L. I was lucky to find him."

With Toby gone, it was peaceful for a while. Finally, as the sun began to sink lower, Anthony cleared his throat and said, "I saw Samuel Cooper at the market a couple of days ago."

"'e a friend o' yours?"

"Yes. He was one of my shipmates on the Bountiful."

"Ah, tha's nice, love."

"They're in port now, but he said they'll be sailing for America within the week."

"How exciting," Johanna breathed. "I'd love to see America someday."

"Yes. It would be…exciting." He hesitated. "He told me there are berths available, if I was interested."

Mrs. Lovett frowned. "'ere now, lad, wot y' thinkin'?"

He took a deep breath. "You have Johanna to help you with the shop now. I'm not really needed here anymore. Maybe it's time for me to go back to sea."

Johanna made a sound of dismay. "Oh Anthony, you can't be serious. Leave us?"

"It wouldn't be forever. I'd come back to visit, whenever we were in port."

"But you'd be gone for so long. Father, tell him he can't go."

Todd sat up abruptly, his face frozen in the stony mask that Anthony knew too well. "The boy has to do what he thinks is best." His voice was low, tight. "I daresay he's had more than enough of…" The dark head dipped slightly, and Todd's hands clenched. "If he thinks it's time to move on and live his own life, then it's time."

"But I thought you..." Johanna's voice trailed away at the look her father gave her.

Todd pushed himself to his feet and reached for his jacket. "It's late. We need to start back." Without another word, he walked away from them, to the bottom of the little hill, and stood there looking toward the street.

"Father?"

Connor stood and moved toward the creek. "Toby! Time to go!"

"Father?" Johanna called again. Todd folded his arms across his chest and ignored her.

Mrs. Lovett shook her head. "Pay 'im no mind, love. 'e 'as th' odd turn ever' now an' then. Comes from bein' out in that Australian sun too long." She began to shove their things back into the basket. "'ere, lad, give us a 'and w' this blanket."

As if colored by Todd's mood, the trip back was as silent and dark as the trip out had been bright and joyful. Todd stalked ahead of them, hands in his pockets now, setting a pace that Anthony suspected was much too fast for his still fragile health. By the time they reached the pie shop, his steps were unsteady, and his breathing seemed difficult.

"Y' get right up them stairs an' straight t' bed, y' 'ear me," Mrs. Lovett scolded. "Anthony, you go w' 'im an' see that 'e does. Th' rest o' you, come 'elp me out w' this."

Reluctantly, Anthony followed Todd up the stairs, stopping just inside the door to light one of the lanterns. Todd was struggling with his jacket, and Anthony went to his side. "Let me help you, sir."

"I can do it," he snapped. "I don't need your help."

"Yes sir." He shrank away, watching as Todd hung up the jacket, dropped onto the bed, and painfully bent to untie his boots and remove them.

When he was finished, he sat there for a long moment, head bent, hands clasped between his knees. Then he abruptly pulled his legs up and, not bothering with the covers, turned onto his side and closed his eyes.

"Anthony?" Johanna was standing in the doorway, beckoning to him. "I'll sit with him."

He nodded his thanks and left them.

ooooo

When he returned almost an hour later, Johanna was sitting in the chair, thumbing through a book. He glanced at the figure on the bed, and she said quietly, "He's asleep."

"Good. He seemed…tired."

"Yes." She lifted the book and turned it so that he could read the title. "He doesn't seem to be enjoying this one very much."

"We can go tomorrow to pick out another one, if you'd like."

"Yes." She hesitated, then said suddenly, "Anthony, I want to ask you something."

"Of course." He dropped to the floor beside the chair and looked up at her, waiting.

"Do you love my father?"

He told himself she didn't mean it the way it sounded and tried very hard not to blush. "Of course I do. He's my friend."

"No, not like that," she said impatiently. "Are you in love with my father?"

She had meant it like that and he did blush. "What makes you think…" Something in her expression stopped him. "Yes, Johanna. I am."

She tilted her head inquiringly. "Are you ashamed of being in love with Father?"

"No, but it's not…usual for one man to love another. Not like that. I didn't want you to think…"

"What?"

"That Mr. Todd is…that there's…" He didn't know how to express himself, but, luckily, she seemed to understand.

"Does he know?"

"Yes."

"And is he in love with you?"

"He cares about me."

"But is he in love with you?" .

"Johanna…" Again he fumbled for the words. "Mr. Todd has had a very…harsh life. I think…he's said...he's told me… He finds it...difficult to love."

"He loves me."

"That's different."

"How? If he's able to love me, why couldn't he love you too?"

It was a question Anthony had asked himself many times in the past two weeks. He gave her the only answer he had.

"It's a different sort of love, Johanna. You're his flesh and blood, and I'm just his friend."

"Have you ever kissed him?"

Anthony couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Johanna..."

"Oh stop being so embarrassed. I know what people do—more than the kissing, too." A look of mischief crossed her face. "My honorable guardian had a most extensive collection of those sorts of books, and he wasn't always at home."

"You…you read them?"

She giggled. "And looked at the drawings, so don't think you can shock me."

"Oh." It was all he could manage.

"I know that men can do things with each other, just like men and women. So do you? You and Father?"

At least he was able to answer honestly when he said, "No," because they didn't—not now.

The smile left her face. "I hoped..." She sighed. "I thought if you had… Well, that would've told you that he loves you, because he wouldn't have done any of those things...let you do those things…unless he did."

"Johanna…" He stopped. It wasn't his place to educate her any further in the ways of the world, and he prayed to God that she would never learn how wrong her assumption was—that her father had done those very things with someone he hated in order to free her. "You're right, but we…we don't."

She seemed oddly disappointed. They sat in silence for a moment, then she asked, "How did you know you were in love with him?"

Anthony closed his eyes and, for a moment, he could almost feel the deck moving beneath his feet and smell the salt in the air and remember the first moment he had realized he wanted to hold Todd, even though he hadn't understood why.

"We spent a lot of time together on the ship…"

"Father told me how you saved his life, and then how much you helped him afterwards."

He nodded. "And one day I looked at him and I just…knew."

"That's how I feel about Davy." She was smiling—happy—again. "Ever since that first day, when we went to the house and he pretended to be my husband. He was..." She paused, thinking. "He was like the sun, so bright, and so clever, and so funny. And he was so gentle and protective of me, just like I really was his wife. And I thought...what a wonderful man he is."

He didn't need to ask if Connor returned her feelings. "He's a very good man."

"I just wish you and Father..." She shook her head. "Is that wrong? To wish that you and he could be together."

"I don't think it's wrong, Johanna. It's just impossible."

"I'm sorry."

"I am too."

She put the book on the floor and stood. Anthony jumped to his feet and escorted her to the door, but she paused with her hand on the latch.

"Anthony, if you love him, why are you leaving him?"

"Because sometimes no matter how much you want something, you finally have to realize you can't have it. And then the only thing you can do is accept it and move on."

"Do you really want to go?"

"I think it's for the best." He smiled at her and kissed her forehead, then stood and watched until she reached the shop below. When she was gone, he closed the door and turned.

And found Todd's dark eyes open and staring at him with an unnerving intensity.

"Mr. Todd. I thought you were asleep," he said weakly.

Todd pushed up onto one elbow, his expression unreadable. "You didn't answer her question."

"Which one, sir?"

"Do you really want to go?"

"I…it's for the best," he stammered.

"So you said. Best for you?"

"No. I mean..."

Todd sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and resting his elbows on his knees. "Do you think it's best for me?"

"Isn't it?" he asked helplessly.

Todd ignored that. "You told Johanna you loved me. That you still love me?" He made it a question. Anthony saw no reason to lie.

"Yes sir. I do."

Todd's eyes narrowed; his gaze sharpened. "Then why did you say no when I asked you to share the bed with me two weeks ago?" When Anthony hesitated, he snapped, "Don't lie to me, boy."

His answer came out in a rush of pain, the words almost tumbling over each other. "Because I didn't think you wanted me to. I'd been sitting with you all that day while you were asleep, and all I could do was look at you and think—think about how you wouldn't ever want Johanna to know what we'd done, and think that you wouldn't want me...that you wouldn't want anyone to touch you, not after whatever had happened with them. I couldn't see how you'd really want me to be in your bed."

"I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want you." When Anthony only stared at him, he went on, "It wasn't because of them?"

"No sir."

"Because I let them use me and then killed them?"

"I only wish you could've killed them before, so they wouldn't have hurt you," he blurted out. "I wish I could've killed them."

"Sweet Jesus." Todd shook his head, a look of something like amazement on his face, and said simply, "Don't go."

"Sir?"

"Don't leave. Don't go back to sea. Stay with me. Please."

Anthony felt as if the world had spun around him. He leaned back against the door for support and, hardly daring to hope, whispered, "Have I been a fool again, sir?"

"No more than me."

"You mean..." He was afraid to go on.

"Lock the door and come here."

He shoved the bolt home, crossed the room on unsteady legs, and stopped near the bed, suddenly unsure. "Sir..."

Todd lifted a hand to silence him and looked up, eyes dark with emotion. "I promised myself that when the business with Turpin was over, if you still cared at all about me, I'd try to be whatever you wanted…do whatever you wanted. Just…tell me."

"Oh." The bubble of joy that had been rising in Anthony exploded. "So all this is...it's just more…compensation."

"No." Todd spoke quietly, but there was undeniable truth in the intensity of his words. "It's what I want. I want to..." He lifted his hands helplessly. "I want to be with you. It's...when I thought you were...you had... I thought..." He paused, as if trying to gather thoughts that he didn't fully understand. "It's more than you being my friend. You make me feel whole again, Anthony. You make me think I might be happy again. I don't understand why you want me, and God knows it won't be easy for you, but whatever you want—whatever I'm able to give you—is yours. I'm yours."

Anthony took the last step to the side of the bed. When Todd looked up, he smiled and whispered, "I love you too." Then he slid his hands through Todd's hair and cupped the back of his head, and when Todd sighed and closed his eyes, Anthony leaned down and kissed him.

ooooo

He'd meant it to be only a simple kiss, but Todd's lips moved, opening, asking for more, and he found it hard to refuse. After a moment, he pulled away and straightened, but Todd's hand shot out to catch his.

"What do you want me to do for you?"

The offer was a low rumble that sent sparks of arousal through him. He had to take several deep breaths before he could shake his head and say, "Nothing, sir."

"Nothing?"

He wouldn't have believed Todd's tone could have gone more seductive, and with a single word. He fought the urge to pull his hand free and put it in front of himself to try to hide his response, knowing it was already too late.

"Of course I want to…to...just…not now. Later...later we can…we will…" Todd's fingertips were moving against his palm, stroking in a way that made it difficult to think. "It's just…knowing everything's all right between us…that we'll be together...that we're...right now that's more important than…than this."

"It is?" The tip of Todd's tongue flicked out, across his lower lip.

"Yes. I don't want you to...I mean...I do, but... Please, sir...I don't want you to think that the only thing I want from you is sex."

"You're blushing."

"It's just that..."

"I know, Anthony." Todd's grasp tightened. "And I understand what you're saying. But right now I want to. I need to. Please?"

And then Anthony understood what Todd was saying. And even though—his traitorous body aside—he truly was more interested in seeing the misery of the past two weeks erased, he nodded and said simply, "Then do whatever you want to, sir."

Todd immediately began to work at the buttons of Anthony's trousers. "I don't have oil," he muttered regretfully, "so I can't let you..."

"We have the rest of our lives."

Todd glanced up quickly, as if startled by the words. "We do, don't we."

"Yes."

His skillful fingers worked Anthony free. "And for now, I can do this..."

At the first touch, Anthony's legs gave way. Todd guided him down onto the bed, on his back, and began to kiss him again, kissed him with love and need, kissed him deeply and urgently, kissed him until they were both gasping.

And then Todd broke the kiss and slid down to use his mouth in another way.

ooooo

After, Todd settled onto the bed beside Anthony and pulled him into an embrace so tight that he could scarcely breathe. Anthony curled against him, clinging to him, thinking he might never let go.

"Thank you, Anthony," Todd murmured. There was something…satisfied in his voice, as if, at that moment, he was as satisfied as Anthony. "I knew you'd make me feel clean again."

"You always were as far as I was concerned, sir." He had to say it, had to be sure Todd knew, had to erase any lingering doubts Todd might have.

"I know. Now." Todd moved one hand up to ruffle his hair, and he shivered. "Cold?"

"No sir, just…it felt good."

Todd sighed. "I feel…I'm tired. From this afternoon, not that."

"All that walking was too much, too soon."

"That and…when you said you were leaving… It hurt. I felt so…alone."

"I'm not leaving you." Anthony somehow managed to snuggle closer. "I'll never leave you. You'll never be alone again. Rest now. I'll be here when you wake up."

"I'll sleep for a bit. Then I'll…I'll…" His voice trailed away and his breathing went soft and regular.

Anthony lay there trying to absorb it all. The aftermath of the kind of pleasure he'd secretly suspected only Todd would ever be able to give him. The rise and fall of Todd's chest. The sound of Todd's heartbeat against his ear. The feel of the arms holding him so possessively, even in sleep. The solid, reassuring warmth of Todd's body against his.

He relaxed, and, after a time, his own mind drifted away.

ooooo

"I'm glad she asked you all those questions."

Anthony blinked back to awareness. It took a moment for the words to register, another for him to remember where he was and what had happened, and another for him to realize what Todd had said. "Johanna?"

"If she hadn't…" Todd's voice went rough.

"But she did."

"Yes. I just wish…"

"What, sir?" When Todd didn't answer, Anthony raised himself slightly, so he could look at Todd. "What is it?"

"I wish she hadn't read his filthy books." There was a flash of dark anger in the last words. "They weren't fit for a decent man, much less an innocent girl."

"I'm sure they weren't, but they don't seem to have hurt her."

"Made her know too much."

"I'm glad she knew too much, since this…" He dipped his head to bump his chin against Todd. "Is the result. Besides, don't you think that'll make things easier for her, when she and Davy are married for real?"

"I suppose it will at that." Todd's eyes went unfocused for a moment. "When Lucy and I were married… She was as innocent as…as you were. Not that I had that much experience myself, then. I was so afraid I was going to hurt her or…"

Anthony had a flash of memory of the beggar who may or may not have been Lucy, and bit his lip with regret. Todd saw the gesture and, obviously misunderstanding, said gruffly, "I shouldn't be talking about Lucy. Not now."

"Oh no, sir." He sat up the rest of the way. "Don't ever think you should just…forget about her, or not talk about her, just because I…because we're…" He caught Todd's hand between his own. "I know she was a good woman, and I know you had a happy life with her. I can never take her place. I don't want to. What we have is different. And…I never knew her…" And please, God, he prayed silently, let that be true. "But I love her, because you loved her. Because she loved you."

Todd gripped his hand. "I don't know what I would've done if you hadn't been there for me when I came home."

He leaned forward to kiss Todd again, thinking he would never be able to get enough of that, then glanced toward the doorway, where the lamp was burning low. "Shall I go put it out so you can sleep again?"

"No. Not yet." Once again, Todd seemed to be trying to decide how to say something. Anthony thought they both had spent far too much time tonight—perhaps in the entire time they'd known each other—being so careful about choosing their words.

"What is it, Mr. Todd?"

"Last week…in the bakehouse. The reason I pushed you away…it wasn't because I didn't want you to…to…"

"Touch you."

"I thought you didn't want me, not anymore, and I didn't want you to know that…" He shrugged. "That I was wanting you."

Anthony's eyes went wide. "Sir!"

"It was the way you were touching me…so gentle…so…I forgot that you were disgusted by me…I thought you were disgusted…and I wanted…"

Anthony was feeling an excitement that almost took his breath away, hope and joy and love and a wanting of his own. "You mean..."

"Yes."

"Then will you let me…"

"If you'd like."

"Oh yes, sir. I'd very much like."

Taking the hand that had slipped down to his thigh, he lifted it and, with slow, deliberate movements, began to undo the buttons of the cuff, stroking up the inside of Todd's wrist as he went. Finished, he released the hand and reached for the other, repeating the process until both sleeves hung loose around Todd's arms, then moved to the front of Todd's shirt, opening the buttons one by one, letting his fingers sneak inside to brush against the skin.

"Anthony?"

"Yes sir?" He rose up onto his knees, pushing the fabric away, bending to press his lips against the scarred, beautiful flesh, moving his head slowly from side to side, nuzzling, licking, tasting, teasing, until he felt Todd's chest heave against his mouth.

Rolling, he went to his feet, pulling Todd up with him, hands skimming over the thin shoulders to strip away the shirt, then sliding around to draw Todd into an embrace. "I love you." He kissed Todd, kissed him again, kissed him until he wondered if Todd were as dizzy and breathless as he was, then reached between them to free the buttons fastening Todd's trousers.

Anthony bit back a cry of delight as the trousers dropped away and Todd sprang free and erect into his hand. He wrapped his fingers around the rigid flesh and began to explore...but then Todd leaned back slightly with a soft, almost-protest. There was something in his face—something deep and dark and uneasy.

And Anthony remembered. And he knew what Todd was thinking.

He instantly released Todd, trying to keep his own fear from showing, forcing a smile. "Don't… I love you. I wouldn't..."

"I know." Todd's dropped back onto the bed. "I know, but…"

And in that instant Anthony knew what to do. He needed to touch Todd in a way that they never had, so Todd wouldn't be afraid. He smiled and dropped to one knee and leaned forward, then whispered, "May I? Please?"

"Anthony..."

Oh God, please let me do this right, he prayed silently and desperately as he licked his lips and reached for Todd.

He placed his hands on the bed, on either side of Todd's hips, and used only his mouth to touch him, gliding the tip of his tongue up and down, then again, then again, waiting until Todd's breathing became quick and uneven before he dared to go farther. He wanted to be bold—as bold as Todd was when he did this—but he found himself proceeding slowly, tentatively, carefully, his gaze never leaving Todd's face, ready to retreat at the first sign of distress.

"Anthony…"

There was a pleading note in the word. Anthony moved, taking Todd deeper, letting his tongue work more urgently, trying to mimic the things Todd had done for him and cursing the inexperience that made him feel awkward and clumsy. And then Todd groaned and his head flew back and his hips arched upward, and he came.

It had been too quick—over before he'd really begun to understand what to do. Disappointed, he released Todd and stood, ready to apologize. But when he saw how Todd was sprawled across the bed, motionless, and smiling, he knew it might have been quick, but it had been right.

He pulled Todd's trousers the rest of the way off, then stripped away his own clothing so carelessly he heard buttons pop. He scooped Todd's legs onto the bed, turning him, and sank down beside him again. They lay there, holding, being held, until at last he felt it was safe to ask, "Are you all right, Mr. Todd?"

"After..." Todd's voice failed. He shook his head, his hair tickling Anthony's nose, cleared his throat, then tried again. "After what you just did, don't you think it's time you started calling me by my first name?"

He rubbed a hand up and down Todd's back, amused that this was what Todd was thinking about now. "Sweeney?"

"No." Todd's voice was a caress. "Ben."

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