Hello my dear readers!

Like I had promised, here is chapter 28! (Thanks so much for the rapid correction to May Glenn!)

I hope you will like it... I do pretty much. I have to say that, when it came to it, I absolutly didn't know what towrite but then il felt like Merlin chose what he wanted to say and how... It was really a weird feeling. But well... Who am I to go against the most powerful Warlock in the world?

Anyway, as I said previously, I'm leaving on holiday tomorrow so it means no computer (but hopefully not no writing) and no chapter for you for three weeks I think (with the time to reconnect after I come back). So... Yes... Hope fully next chapter will be on August 31st or something like that!

In the mean time, I accept any prompts for my holidays (if I recieve them before tomorrow evening :D)

I'm going to miss you.

Time to read :D (& leave a review ?)

Updated November 7th 2015 with corrections by my Beta!


Chapter 28:

For a long time, Merlin just stared at Arthur, trying to make sense of his king's words. Why would he say that he trusted him after all he had done? All the lies he had told? All the mistakes he had made and all the people he had killed? Merlin couldn't wrap his mind around that fact and avoided Arthur's intense gaze, shaking his head slightly.

"Why, Arthur?" He asked quietly, looking at the grass.

"Why, what?" Arthur answered, letting his hand fall from where it had gripped his arm his eyes burning Merlin's neck.

"Why do you trust me?" Merlin explained, the confusion he felt clearly audible in his voice. "You have no reason to anymore! I've lied to you ever since I set foot in Camelot, Arthur! I am no better than all the other sorcerers you've met! You should kill me!"

Merlin hadn't noticed it but during his rant he had pushed himself up and was pacing the floor, suddenly angry and full of nervous energy. Arthur followed him up but just stayed on his feet, watching him, at a loss as to what to do with his arms hanging uselessly at his sides.

"Is that what you want?" He asked after a time, voice low.

"No." Merlin answered his voice sounding as unsure of his answer as he felt. "Or maybe yes… I'd certainly deserve it, wouldn't I?"

"I don't think you do." Arthur began and Merlin felt his gaze on him as he continued to pace the ground even if he was still shaky on his legs. "Merlin… Look… Sit down will you?" He continued, grabbing Merlin and making him sit again. "I understand you are confused and scared but you can't endlessly blame yourself for what you did, whatever it was." Arthur said forcefully, squeezing his arms to make him listen.

Merlin shook his head and freed himself from Arthur's grip, pushing himself back a bit on the ground. His mind was willing to believe Arthur but his heart was refusing to see past the guilt and pain of all the death he had caused.

For a long time, he stayed silent, trying to find a way to express what he was feeling to Arthur even if he wasn't sure what that was at the moment. His heart felt like a tempest of fear, guilt and sadness and he didn't know anymore what to think or what to do.

"Merlin…" Arthur began after a long time and Merlin's muscles tensed on their own accord as if knowing what the king would say. "I won't force you but… I wish you would tell me everything you hadn't told me. Because I want to be the friend I now realize I haven't truly been for you... I want to help you but I don't think I can if I don't know..."

Merlin still didn't answer, not knowing what to say. For a long time, he had hoped and longed for such words coming from Arthur's mouth but now they seemed empty to his ears. He sighed. What was the point of telling Arthur everything now?

"Please, Merlin..." Arthur added when it became clear Merlin wouldn't answer. "Please."

Merlin closed his eyes and hugged his legs against him, willing the threatening tears to go away. He didn't want to tell Arthur. Partly because he was scared of what Arthur would think of him but also partly because he didn't want to burden his friend more than he already had. The rational part of his mind knew that Arthur would feel guilty and Merlin didn't want that. Sure, in the past, he had sometimes wished that Arthur would feel just a tiny little bit of the guilt he himself had felt but he didn't want that anymore. But, at the same time, Arthur's pleading tone went straight to his heart and had pulled at strings that Merlin wished it hadn't, because now he couldn't do anything other than just talk.

And that was exactly what he did. He told Arthur of that whole part of his life he didn't know about. Of all those times when he had edited the truth, when he had made choices that Arthur didn't know of or when he had only been pretending to be hiding when he had in fact been saving his king. During the whole time he was talking, he kept his gaze on the ground, pretending very hard that he was just talking to the wind and not to the man who had been the other half of his destiny for the past seven years. He kept his arms tightly clenched around his legs, willing his body to stop shivering and the tears not to fall. He spoke in a whisper, his voice unstable and quivering but he knew Arthur was listening to his every word.

He talked for a long, long time and the sun was very bright when he finally finished his story. Merlin's brain told him that it meant it was probably past midday. He didn't really care, however. Next to him, Arthur was silent. In fact, the king had been silent for a long time too, only interrupting him a few time to ask a question about what he was talking about to make sure they were talking about the same event. Merlin was grateful that Arthur had just listened to him for once because he knew he couldn't have continued talking if he had been stopped for long. Now his throat felt almost raw from having talked so much after weeks of near silence but he felt slightly relieved to have finally told his king everything. He had been waiting for the moment he could stop lying for such a long time that he had stopped noticing the always present weight of the lies and dissimulations but now he definitely felt it lift and had it been in any other circumstances he would have smiled but he didn't have the heart to.

For what felt like an eternity, the only sound Merlin could hear was the rush of blood in his ears and the deafening pace of his heart as he waited for Arthur to react to all that he had told him. He was tense, expecting the cold touch of a blade any time against his neck but time passed and nothing happened. He wanted to look up to see Arthur's face but didn't feel the courage to see the betrayal and hate in his friend's eyes so he didn't move and waited. He heard Arthur open and close his mouth but no sounds came out of him and Merlin closed his eyes. He felt Arthur's movement and expected the fatal blow but was surprised to instead be engulfed in a hug.

His mind sputtered to a stop, not comprehending what was happening and he didn't move as Arthur squeezed him tightly against his chest.

"Merlin." The king said against him and his voice sounded oddly thick with tears. "I am so sorry that you had to do all that alone. I am sorry for all those things I said to you, for all those times I said magic was evil and needed to be banished. I was so stupid all that time… But not anymore."

Merlin's eyes snapped open but he didn't say anything. He couldn't understand why Arthur was apologizing to him but his words sent a warm feeling though him anyway and he found his eyes watering for a different reason this time. He put his arms around Arthur and awkwardly hugged him back.

"No, Arthur." He said. "Please, don't apologize. You have done nothing wrong. It is only me and I am sorry."

"Shh Merlin. None of that. You've done what you felt you had to. What you thought was right and no one can blame you for that, you hear me? No one."

"That doesn't change the fact that if I had helped Morgana instead of pushing her away towards the druids and poisoning her then maybe..."

"Maybe it wouldn't have changed anything." Arthur interrupted him, his voice firm.

"I still could have saved Gaius if I had just taken the time to." Merlin muttered his voice low.

Arthur heard him and held him back at arm's length, making sure that Merlin was watching him before talking.

"Merlin. Gaius was an old man. Yes, maybe you could have saved him but maybe not. You have heard Gwaine's story haven't you? Gaius was weak for a long time before you infiltrated the castle. If you had tried to save him at the time you would have destroyed our plan to go in undetected. What you did do was very courageous and the only thing possible. It is only thanks to you that we managed to defeat Morgana."

Merlin wanted to say that it wasn't true and that he was just trying to make up for his mistakes but Arthur interrupted him.

"Don't Merlin. What do you think Gaius would say if he saw you now? Do you think he would want you to destroy yourself like that for him?"


So... I hope you are not hating me too much for that... Leave me a little review to say? And what do you think will happen next?

See you soon !