It's been two weeks now since Clary and I went to meet Georges, my former art teacher to organise a foreign exchange between both schools for next year. We're supposed to have an appointment today with the new head of the high school and George has just sent me a text to inform me the appointment has been set for 2pm. Which is okay because Clary is due to arrive any minute from now.
We will be there on time don't worry. Thanks again for everything you've done so far. It means a lot ~ Jace.
The answer almost comes immediately.
Anything for you and your girl, Man. She's a good woman this one, try to keep her. ~ Georges
I smile sadly while reading. I introduced Clary as a friend not as my girl but Georges kept on making innuendos about the fact that Clary and I were a thing. We chose not to correct him because well, what is between us is hard to explain without having people judging us. And it's a private thing that doesn't need to be explained. But I know that from the outside, we must look like a couple.
I thought a lot about that night and especially about what she told me. And I still don't know what she really feels. Was it a real confession of something deeper and was it really just in the moment as she said? I don't want her to jeopardise all she has for me even if it's clearly a bit too late for that but I don't want to see her suffer because I can't give her what she wants. And at the same time, I'm not gonna lie, if she has feelings for me, like deep and real ones, I would be flattered about this. My heart which has been shut down for months starts to wake up again, beating when I think of her smile or when I read her texts.
I know I'm feeling really good and at peace when I'm with her but I chose not to go further. I'm not in love with her and I don't want to go into a relationship that wouldn't work. What happened with Aline really destroyed me even if I was the one guilty there. I'm still young and don't want to marry and have kids before years. And what would Clary expect of me, as she's older and probably more ready for all this?
I laugh bitterly. My mind is going too far now. Because she's already married. And I'm still destroying a relationship here with my selfishness. Like I did for Aline and I.
I'm cut into my thoughts by my phone ringing. The moment I see the name flashing on the screen, I know I've forgotten something important.
"Hey Alec, what's up man?"
He laughs. "You forgot, didn't you?"
"Absolutely not. It's just, ahem, I've planned something else at the same time."
"What could you have planned more important than our first studio session?"
Dammit, it's today. Our first recording session for the album. I knew when I made the appointment with Clary I had something else this day.
"Listen Alec, I'll be there. Just not as early as you expect but I'll be there. And maybe not alone."
"Who is she ? Please not Helen, we don't need her," he scoffs.
"Clary."
I can tell his silence speaks volumes. We didn't speak about her after that day at his flat after Kaelie's tantrum and it's been weeks. I know what he might think about all this.
"Alec, don't judge please. Not you."
"I said nothing Jace. You're an adult, you know what you're doing. Just don't complain later you're hurt. I want to know nothing about that. You set your rules, and yet, you're breaking them."
I sigh. What we have would be difficult to understand to most people but even more to my friend. He saw me countless nights crying and moaning on his couch after that bad breakup last year, and he was with me the day I settled those insane rules. I even made him promise to remind them to me if one day I forgot them.
"Do you mind if I come with her though? If you prefer, I can drop her somewhere, but well, it won't be nice since..."
He stops me. "Yeah, no problem, bring her, she seems smart enough not to disturb us during that work session. I need you to be here as soon as you can."
I explain him what's planned with Clary and that it should not take longer than an hour. The studio is in the countryside near my old school so we probably won't take long to go there just after.
" Ok, just try to rush. We have work. Jordan is gonna begin but you need to be here soon to record your voice."
xxxxxxxxx
"I can't believe you took that big thing to drive there," she laughs, her hair flying around her.
"It's a glorious sunny day darling and that's the perfect car for it."
I have so many cars but this one is my favourite. Some red sporty cabriolet, the first one I bought actually with my first big fee. You can tell it was the car of my dreams and I drive it every time I can.
The meeting went well and everything is settled between Clary's school and mine for their exchange next year. Clary will come with her students for two weeks in November and they will welcome English students in March. I'm relieved she was able to organise everything because she's so involved in her job that it would have been a real personal disappointment if nothing could have been done.
We talked a bit with Georges after that, thanking him for his help but quickly left after I told Clary all about the recording session. She refused to go at first, saying she didn't want to bother us and that she could take a train from here back to London.
"Are you sure I won't disturb you? I don't want to be a burden for you and the others."
I reassure her. "I told you Darling, you will never bother me. The others are okay too with that."
"Do they know about us?" she shyly asks, head down, nervously twisting her fingers. I grab one of her hands and put it on the gear stick underneath mine.
"Well, Alec knows obviously, but not the other ones. They don't even suspect your existence. I'll say you're a friend, because that's true and nothing else. Just a friend I helped today and that's why you're here. Are you okay with that?"
She immediately nods her head, looking relieved. I park the car in front of a small cottage, letting her hand go. Getting out of the car, I go to her side and open her door, holding out my hand to her.
"Well, we're here. Shall we go?"
She laughs, getting out of the car without seizing it. " I'm not sure you can introduce me as a friend if we arrive hand holding, Wayland."
The sight of her lip trapped between her teeth immediately turns me on. We have been in such a rush since she arrived that not a minute I think about her body. We have spent the afternoon so far as just friends, enjoying each other's presence. But now, that simple thing is putting me on fire. I come quickly closer, trapping her between the car and me. With just one finger, I free her lip from her teeth, barely touching the skin.
"Don't do this. It makes me want to throw you back into the car and fuck you senseless. So, if you want me to behave, stop that."
She seems to ignore that the innocent smile she's flashing me right now is even worse. I thrust my hips against her body and pin her against the car. Without caring about my mates and if they're watching us, I press my lips to her, bringing her face even closer, my hands buried in her curly hair. She's the one deepening the kiss, begging for entrance with her tongue. I can't help moaning, hoisting her leg over my hip and bucking my cock against her thigh. Soon, we break the kiss, out of breath, almost panting in each other's mouth.
"That's the kind of things that doesn't help me to behave, Darling. I want to fuck you so bad right now."
Someone clears his throat behind us, making us jump and separate immediately.
"No, you don't because you don't have time as you're late."
I laugh. Alec is there, embarrassed of having seen us in such a position. His face is all red, and he doesn't dare to look at Clary. Alec is a very shy guy and I'm sure he must have been there the whole time, wondering how the hell he was going to interrupt us.
I turn around to Clary who is as red as my mate. I grab her hand and mouth silently "later"to her before walking to Alec.
"Sorry, we came here as fast as we could. Our appointment took a bit longer," I apologise.
"You liar."
Clary and Alec stare at each other, surprised to have spoken at the same exact time. They soon burst into laughter. Alec is the first to come to her, opening his arms to hug her.
"Nice to see you again, Clary. I know it's not your fault, he's always late."
"I know, he likes to play hard to get," she replies, hugging him back.
« Well, if you two have finished to blame me, maybe we could go and record our first song. What do you think ?" I groan.
xxxxxxxx
"Can you hear the silence?
Can you see the dark?
Can you fix the broken?
Can you feel, can you feel my heart?
Can you help the hopeless?
Well, I'm begging on my knees
Can you save my bastard soul?
Will you ache for me?
I'm sorry brother
So sorry lover
Forgive me father
I love you mother
Can you hear the silence?
Can you see the dark?
Can you fix the broken?
Can you feel my heart?"
I scream with all my force in the mic. It's the 20th time at least I'm singing the same words again and again. I have stopped many times, not satisfied with what I've done so far but this time seems to be the good one. This time, I managed to catch Clary's eyes behind the glass, and stared at her while singing. I wrote this song a few months ago after my break up with Aline, but these words have taken a new meaning since I met her. It's easier to sing with someone in my thoughts, even if those words can't be for her. I'm just hoping she'll understand me a bit better with this.
"I'm scared to get close and I hate being alone
I long for that feeling to not feel at all
The higher I get, the lower I'll sink
I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim
I'm scared to get close and I hate being alone
I long for that feeling to not feel at all
The higher I get, the lower I'll sink
I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim
I'm scared to get close and I hate being alone
I long for that feeling to not feel at all
The higher I get, the lower I'll sink
I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim
Can you feel my heart? can you hear the silence?
Can you see the dark?
Can you fix the broken?
Can you feel, can you feel my heart? »
The music stops in the headphones and I hear the producer telling me "that's good" in my ears. I take my time to come back to the main room where everyone is waiting. The emotions are so strong that I'm on the verge of tears and at the same time, I want to destroy the place.
When I open the door, everyone is quiet. An almost religious silence has invaded the room and everyone is staring at me.
"What? You're all scaring me! It was that bad ?"
Jordan gets up and immediately grabs me into a bear hug. "Man, I have no words. That was amazing." Magnus and Alec follow, tapping on my back, congratulating me. My eyes immediately land on Clary, sitting on the sofa in a corner of the room. Her eyes are all wet,and she looks overwhelmed.
"Let's hear it then, shall we ?" I propose, sitting on the sofa next to her. Alec nods, taking a seat in front of us.
The song begins, Magnus's drumming perfectly setting the pace. My angry words soon follow, surrounded by my mates' music. I'm always so insecure about everything I create but after a few seconds, I'm sure we have the perfect song there. A song full of honest and raw feelings, which represent who I am deep inside. For once, I'm proud of me and what could have come from all this anger I've had since many years inside me.
I feel the sofa shift besides me. Clary is curled on the other side, her arms around her legs, her face hidden between her knees. My hand instinctively reaches for her head, stroking her hair. When she turns her face to look at me, I'm not prepared for what I see. Her beautiful face is marred with tears, her lips trembling from avoiding to cry aloud.
I immediately come closer and take her into my arms, holding her tightly against me.
"Sssssssh don't cry. Please," I whisper to her ear.
Her answer is muffled, her mouth pressed against my shirt. "How do you want me not to cry when I listen about a suffering that big? That's the perfect song Jace. That's you, without artifice, without lies."
I hug her even tighter, burying my face in the crook of her neck, inhaling the scent of her hair and skin, seeking comfort in her embrace. And when I hear those little words she whispers in my ear, all the emotions I've been holding for months begin to flow in me. I'm even surprised by the long sobs coming from the depths of my throat and the tears rolling on my cheeks.
"You deserve to find peace, Jace," she whispers, her small hands stroking my back.
What she doesn't know is that with her like, curled against me, soothing me, I've never feel more at peace. We must have stayed like that for what feels an eternity because when we come out of our bubble, there's no one left in the studio and no sound. I check my phone to see I have a text from Alec.
Sorry we left but you two needed privacy ~ A
Thank you. I'm sorry about that ~ J
Don't. That song is a jewel. And it's the first time I've seen you so alive in months. I should thank Clary for this ~ A
I cast a look towards Clary. She's just checking her phone too, but when she feels my eyes on her, she smiles softly.
Yes, she has a good Influence on me, she's a real friend ~ J
It's not just that, Jace. Be honest with yourself and your feelings. That's not called friendship, man. You love her, even if you chose to ignore it ~ A
I can't, Alec. Nothing is possible ~ J
You knew it. Just be careful ~ A
Author's note : courtesy of BMTH for the lyrics.
