Chapter 28

-An Art Gallery-

"Thank you Sherlock Holmes, for saving this priceless painting, The Reichenbach Falls," said some random guy. Everyone clapped. "Here is your reward for your service." He handed Sherlock a box with diamond cufflinks in them.

"HA! All of mine have buttons! NERDS!" He and John high fived.

-Scotland Yard, Later-

"And many thanks to the Sherlock Holmes who managed to catch one of the criminals that we always meant to catch but never did: Peter Ricoletti," Lestrade said, head down on the podium.

"Ricoletti…" Sherlock started flyin through space and time.

John nudged him out of his trance as someone handed him another gift. Sherlock opened it and screamed with rage.

The audience ignored this and clapped at the sight of the deerstalker.

"Put on the hat!"

"Put it on!"

"Let's see the hat!"

"PUT IT ON! PUT IT ON! PUT IT ON! PUT IT ON! PUT IT ON! PUT IT ON! PUT IT ON! PUT IT ON!"

-Later-

Sherlock glared at the pile of newspapers on the coffee table. "Boffin Sherlock Holmes. What the fuck is a boffin?"

"Isn't that a type of pastry?"

"No, that's a poffin." Sherlock punched the hat. "And why has it got flaps? Are they...ear flaps? Look." He tossed the hat to John frisbee style. The hat started spinning at amazing speeds, nearly taking John's head off and slicing through the wall. Several screams were heard through the newly-created hole.

"We need to be more careful, Sherlock," John said, ignoring the disaster in favor of reading the newspaper.

"I don't see why. People should know by now not to live on the same block as us," Sherlock said.

"No, I mean about the fact that you're practically famous. The press will turn eventually, and they'll turn on you."

Sherlock looked at John. "It really bothers you. What people think about me."

"That, and I think your inadvertent kill count has reached the triple digits." John slapped some duct tape over the new hole. "I'm going for a walk."

-Meanwhile-

Jim Moriarty was walking into the Tower of London, wearing normal clothes and chewing gum. At least I hope it's gum. The metal detector beeped when he walked through.

"Sir, do you have anything metal with you?" the security guard asked.

"Oh, sure." Jim pulled out his phone and placed it on the tray.

"Thanks, you can go now."

"I'm not done." The evil mastermind pulled out a knife, a gun, a swiss army knife, a grenade launcher, a cheese grater, an acoustic guitar, nunchucks, a syringe, and a bag of fertilizer.

"...Okay, now you may go."

Jim went to the room with the crown jewels and shit, put in his earbuds, and started blasting Emperor's New Clothes by Panic! at the Disco. And singing along. Loudly. Soon everyone became uncomfortable and left the room.

A security guard came over. "Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to stop being an asshole."

Jim sucker punched him, and the security guard keeled over like a sack of potatoes that had just been sucker punched. In fact, thousands of potatoes rolled out of the man's trench coat.

"Huh." Jim pulled out his phone and began hacking security.

-Scotland Yard-

Sally Donovan burst into Lestrade's office. "Sir, there's been a break in."

"That's not the division. Not even one division."

"Are you drunk?"

"Thasssn't the divesion either."

"Okay, I'm driving."

-Meanwhile-

Jim stuck a piece of chewed gum and a diamond on the glass holding the crown jewels, then hit the dab, causing the glass to shatter.

Outside, Sally and Greg pulled up and ran/stumbled into the building. They and a bunch of other cops burst into the room to see Moriarty lounging on the throne, wearing the crown jewels.

"No rush."

"Yes, rush!" Lestrade threw a beer bottle at the criminal mastermind, then fell asleep.

-221b-

Sherlock's phone buzzed for the fiftieth time.

"Oh my god. I'll just get it, then." John got up and grabbed the phone, paling when he saw the most recent text. "Sherlock. You might want to take a look at this."

"I'm busy," the detective said, not looking up from his microscope. The cell phone nailed him in the side of the head. "Ow! Fine, fine."

The text read: Come and play. Tower Hill. Jim Moriarty x.

"Sherlock?"

"He sent me a dick pic."

"Um...what?"

Sherlock sat back and stared into space, thinking of many things.

-Tower Hill Place-

Sherlock, John, and Lestrade were watching the camera footage of Jim breaking into the glass case. Lestrade hit rewind, causing the glass to fall back up into place, then pressed play and the glass fell back down. They watched this for several minutes, laughing the whole time.

"Wait a second." John pointed at the screen. "He wrote something on the glass."

Lestrade rewinded to the beginning of the footage, revealing a message written in white...marker? It said FUCK SHERLOCK with a smiley face in the O.

"That's creepy," Lestrade said.

"I wonder who this Sherlock guy is," the detective said. "Moriarty is really obsessed with him."

John stared at Sherlock, who was staring at the screen. "Are you serious?"

"Wait, does he mean me Sherlock?"

"No, he wants to fuck John Michael Sherlock, a Roman Catholic Bishop from London, Ontario. Of course he means you!"

"I don't mean to interrupt, but I'm going to interrupt," Lestrade said. "Sherlock, you're probably going to have to testify in court against Moriarty."

"Wait, really?"

"Probably as an expert witness."

John pinched his brow with two fingers. "Oh boy."

-Later-

After getting dressed for the trial, John and Sherlock left the flat, only to find a huge press crowd outside, blocking their way to the waiting police car.

One reporter shoved a microphone in Sherlock's face. "Mr. Holmes, what are your feelings about the new defense lawyer assigned to the Moriarty case?"

"What lawyer?"

"Annalise Keating."

"Who's that?" John asked.

Sherlock turned to him. "We're screwed."

-Meanwhile-

A couple of guards were in Moriarty's cell, handcuffing him.

A bead of sweat trickled down one of the guard's neck. "He hasn't stop staring at me since we got here," he whispered. "That creepy stare...those dead eyes…"

"Just wait until Season 3 when we meet Magnussen," the other one whispered back.

They both shuddered and went back to work.

-Back with the Bros-

"Sir, you don't have to make siren noises while we're driving," the cop driving the car said.

Sherlock pouted and slouched in his seat.

"I don't see any point in saying this but I'm going to say it anyway," John said. "When you testify, don't be a smart ass."

"But I'm the star witness!" Sherlock said. "It's my time to shine."

"That doesn't mean you have to sprinkle yourself with glitter."

"It's not glitter, it's powdered diamond. And it's genetic. Both a blessing and a curse."

The driver suddenly had a mysterious and spontaneous coughing fit.

-Back at the courthouse-

A female guard walked over to check Moriarty's restraints. He got really close and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind slipping your hand into my pocket?"

"Sure." She slid her hand down, punched him in the dick, and walked away.

-The Bathrooms-

Sherlock was washing his hands and fixing his hair when he heard a gasp behind him.

"You're him!"

The detective turned around and saw a young woman wearing a deerstalker. He saw the Superwholock pin on her jacket and cringed. "Wrong toilet."

"I'm a big fan."

Sherlock eyed the exit. "Evidently."

"Sign my shirt, will you?" The woman stepped closer and opened her jacket, revealing a lot of cleavage.

"Um…" Sherlock started to sweat. "There are two types of fans."

"Oh?"

"Type A: Catch me before I kill again. Type B: My bedroom is just a taxi ride away."

The woman smirked. "Guess which one I am."

Sherlock looked into the camera. "In all my years of doing crazy shit and flying through windows, I never thought I'd end up cornered in a bathroom by a psycho reporter that wants to hook up with me and then ruin my life."

The woman turned around. "Who are you talking to?"

The detective took this opportunity to book it, but the reporter blocked the door sanic fast. "You and John Watson—just platonic? Can I put you down for a no there?"

Sherlock stopped and glared.

"There's all sorts of gossip about you in the press. Sooner or later you're going to need someone on your side...someone to set the record straight."

"There's nothing straight about my record hun."

There was a moment of awkward silence, then Sherlock threw a smoke bomb and disappeared.

Anyone else here watch How to Get Away with Murder? I was thinking about doing an actual Annalise cameo, but I don't know if I could do her justice...

John Michael Sherlock is a real person. He has his own Wikipedia page.

As always, leave a comment letting me know what you think! It helps me out a lot.