Chapter 28 – Hope in Eternity

This takes place sometime after "The Abyss" and Before "The Rheingold" in Season Six – Gabrielle and Xena have headed North toward Gaul.

"Xena…. I am tired." It was unusual for Gabrielle to complain about fatigue these days and it concerned Xena a bit. The bard had recovered well from her last injury and infection but Xena suspected that she was still not at full capacity.

"Okay, do you think that you can make it a little bit farther if we stop for a short rest?

Gabrielle nodded but Xena could see that she was struggling. Her face became pensive. She started to look at their surroundings in hope that maybe there was water close by. In that case they would simply make camp and would head to the nearest town in the morning. It was getting darker and it was getting colder the father north they traveled. If Gabrielle wasn't feeling well it made sense to stop before the night brought on a greater chill.

"Listen," the warrior said with some concern, "Why don't you sit down over here for a bit."

"Why? Where are you going?"

"I'm just going to go ahead a bit and off the trail to see if I can find someplace for us to make camp."

"Xena, I thought you wanted to try and get to the next town… we needs supplies.. I can.."

"We'll be fine. We have plenty for tonight."

"Xena…"

"Gabrielle, don't argue with me."

Gabrielle put her face in her hands. She frankly did not have the energy to argue. She wasn't totally sure what was wrong with her. She just felt so tired and so weak. All she wanted to do was lie down. She had felt this way for several days, but she was cautious about telling Xena. Ever since their time in the cave she had felt "off". She never wanted Xena to think of her as "needy", but right now that is exactly how she was feeling.

"Xena, just don't be too long, okay?"

Now Xena's concern was growing. This was not like Gabrielle at all. Xena touched Gabrielle's head. "I'll be right back," she assured the bard.

Xena wandered off the path after only a short distance. She was feeling a growing sense of urgency. Something was not right with Gabrielle. She did not want to leave her alone for long. All kinds of thoughts were spinning in her mind, poison, infection, or worse…

After a short time she heard the faint sound of water moving over rocks. There was a small stream and a small clearing – just barely enough space for a fire and for sleep, but it was the best she could find. "It'll do,"

The warrior wasted no time getting back to her bard who she found in almost the exact position as when she had left.

"Gabrielle," she touched the bard's head. "You're hot."

"I know," Gabrielle sighed. "Did you find someplace?"

"Yes… it's not far. You ride"

"I can walk," Gabrielle answered.

Xena looked at the bard and her eyes became small. "No…Maybe you can, but you're not. – Up you go.."

Xena led them off the path, periodically looking up at Gabrielle who had become fairly pale and was unusually quiet. She was relieved when they reached the small area. Gabrielle went to start getting things unpacked when Xena took the bedroll from her hands and started spreading it out on the ground, a task that was nearly always Gabrielle's.

"What are you doing?" Gabrielle asked. Xena said nothing, she took Gabrielle's hand and led her to the bed roll, grabbed a heavy fur and wrapped her in it. "Xena…"

Xena smiled and caressed her partner's face. "Please, Gabrielle…. Please… just lie down. Rest. Please….. You can fight… I can set up camp… Okay?"

Gabrielle tried to force a smile and obeyed Xena, pulling the fur close to her and curling up into a warm ball. Xena set about making the fire and getting a fish and some water as well for tea. She sat tending the fire, roasting the fish and boiling the water – watching Gabrielle sleep silently. She thought about this journey they had been on. This was the first time in so long that they had no specific destination. They were just traveling. In some ways, watching Gabrielle sleep, she felt like Gabrielle's scrolls were playing out in front of her. She had been thinking for some time that the time to slow down was around the corner. It wasn't just that she wasn't getting any younger; it was all that they had already missed, all they had lost. The road was losing its allure for the warrior, though she was not ready to leave yet – the time was approaching. They could fight somewhere, make a stand – but maybe it could be in one place. Just the two of them.

Gabrielle's delusion when she had been so ill that Xena was actually Hope affected the warrior a great deal. Seldom did they speak about Hope. Other than comments that Gabrielle made about her doubts that she could be a good mother; she never said anything to Xena about children. But, just as Gabrielle understood Xena, Xena knew Gabrielle. Gabrielle loved Eve. She truly loved her as her own, but a part of her mourned for the reality that children were likely not in her future. Hope had been her chance. That is why she chose the name. She knew even then that she would follow Xena. Xena never said anything to the bard – never brought it up. When Gabrielle professed her love to the imaginary Hope, Xena knew the pain that resided in Gabrielle and she felt a piece of her heart break.

Gabrielle had told Xena that when her time came she wanted to lie with Xena and her family. It meant everything to the warrior and it also made her feel terrible. Gabrielle was so forthright with Xena about her feelings, she was gentle and loving in the most difficult situations. She told Xena, showed Xena everyday how much she loved the warrior. Xena watched Gabrielle sleeping now and in her heart she was telling her everything she felt. She suspected that the last few weeks had run the bard down and that she had no resistance to sickness. The fact that she had gone through so much emotional and physical trauma did not help. Xena felt the need to somehow make things better for Gabrielle.

Gabrielle began to stir and Xena met her awakening with some tea.

"Oh… Xena…" She said still groggy… "Thank you."

Xena nodded and sat down on the blanket next to her. "Are you hungry?" she asked Gabrielle.

Gabrielle shook her head with a firm 'no' and sipped her tea. She could see that Xena was worried and she smiled. "I really am okay, Xena. I just think I need some rest. Just need to catch my breath."

Xena's face crinkled with a degree of suspicion that this was not entirely true.

"Gabrielle…" she tried to think of the best way to approach her concerns, "I am worried about you."

Gabrielle looked at her now and took her hand. "I know you are… I can see it. Honestly, Xena… I would tell you if I was really sick – I just need some rest."

Xena sighed. "I love you. You know that?" She sometimes struggled to say that aloud.

Gabrielle smiled and squinted at the warrior, "Stop worrying…. And yes, I do know…"

"I don't say it enough," Xena said quite plainly almost more for her own benefit than for Gabrielle's.

Gabrielle was a bit thrown by the statement. She had never thought that. At times, over the years, she had wished that Xena would show her more affection… or at least that she didn't feel so strongly about hiding their affection, but over so many seasons together she had come to terms with their relationship. Her insecurities were long left behind now… after their time in Amphipolis with Eve and Virgil; and after returning Sarah to Lila, Gabrielle was convinced that she and Xena could never be parted. She knew that the warrior was as in love with her as she had always been with the warrior. Xena didn't need to say anything. That is why she wanted Xena to understand that when the time came; she wanted to lie with her even in death. This was her life and she knew that few people ever loved the way they did. Nothing else really mattered in the end.

"Xena, you don't have to say anything to me," Gabrielle smiled.

Xena did not look at her but closed her eyes and continued, "No… I do… I'm sorry."

"What? What are you sorry for?"

"Gabrielle," Xena could not stop tears from forming in her eyes, "I'm not good at the… well, at saying what I should."

Gabrielle kept smiling. "Xena….. I love you….I have been in love with you for so long, she paused, "I am in love with YOU… not someone else…I don't want you to be something for me.. I just want you…because it is you that I love."

Xena sighed deeply licked her lips and threw a stick into the fire. "I'm sorry… about Hope."

Gabrielle took a deep breath. "About Hope? Why?"

"I know…" Xena started, "I know how much you want children."

Gabrielle nodded her head in affirmation and sat silently for a long while considering her response. She took a deep breath and exhaled her answer, "Yes. Xena… yes.. I did.. …. I do, but we don't always get what we want. We both know that."

"But, if you weren't with…"

"If I wasn't what? … Xena… If I wasn't with you then I would have children?… That's what you were going to say, isn't it?"

"Well…"

Gabrielle shook her head in frustration, "Listen to me… I don't know what I said in that cave… I said a lot of things… I loved Hope.. I do love Hope.. no matter how she came into the world, she came through me. But, I know what we did what was right. Hope was not truly mine….." She sighed and looked to the sky…

"Yes," Xena said… " I know….but now… Eve "

"Eve is not truly mine, either," she said as a tear fell.

Xena suddenly felt ill herself. What could she say? She knew that Eve considered Gabrielle a parent and she knew that Gabrielle loved Eve as a daughter, but as she sat there something became very clear…

"I love Eve like she was my own," Gabrielle began.

There it was. Xena tried to search herself for what to say. She loved Eve like her own… but she wasn't – or at least that is what existed in her mind… she was Gabrielle… Aunt Gabrielle..not mom, not mother, Xena felt the warmth of her own tears.

"She is your daughter, though, Xena."

Xena put her hand on Gabrielle's knee and stared at the water before them, completely unsure of what to say. After a long time Gabrielle spoke, "It's all right, Xena. I wish you would stop worrying about this."

Xena had some time now to think about what it was that was in her own heart. "Gabrielle….Just listen to me, please… let me say what I need to…. You say Hope came through you but she was not yours…Eve came through me…. That does not mean she is not yours…."

"Xena.."

"No… I need to say this to you… now… please…"

Gabrielle squeezed the warrior's hand.

"I don't know why all of this happened. I do know that every thought I ever had about Eve included you – and I know that she loves you…" she could tell Gabrielle wanted to speak, "I want you… I want to tell you….that after all of this…..If I could.. If I could do it again… any of it… I would make sure that you…"

Gabrielle smiled now as Xena struggled to finish her thought, "You listen to me, Xena of Amphipolis… I would not change anything… not one moment… nothing. This is where I belong and sometimes there is some sadness yes, but this is my home.. you are my home. I love you for worrying… but stop."

Xena looked at Gabrielle. "You are so tired…"

Gabrielle laughed, "I am. You are right. I am tired… But that is all it is .. I am tired…" she paused, "Do you remember when we were on that ship with Autolycus?"

"Of course," Xena laughed, "I don't think I could forget that."

"All I wanted was for you to take me and hold me so I could tell you that I loved you. That was my moment. I stood on that beach and for a moment you were nowhere…. And I was so lost… totally lost. I knew.. right then that I could never be without you and be happy."

Xena laughed. She had felt the same way. "And," Gabrielle continued, "It took a few weeks, but you did. You did hold me… and you have not let me go since."

Xena looked into the bard's eyes as she continued with the eloquence that Xena had come to find a refuge, "We had children, lost children and we died… but then there was Eli… we were given a glimpse of heaven, of our future lives – together, we found Eve, we met Virgil… we survived Gods…" she paused and looked deeply into her lover's eyes, "One thing I know is that with us… anything can happen. I will get tired, sometimes I even feel sad… but Hope, my hope… that has always been in our life together…"

Xena looked at Gabrielle and was amazed. She was tired, she could see it in Gabrielle's eyes, but this was just a moment… a moment that they needed. Whenever they needed to slow down life sent them a sign… this was one of those times.

"We have an eternity, Xena….. Eternity is a long time….I am sure there will be children…more than we might like to imagine," she mused.

Xena nodded her head and moved Gabrielle between her legs so that she could hold her. Gabrielle passed the large fur to Xena who wrapped it around them both. "I don't say it enough, Gabrielle."

Gabrielle pulled Xena's arms around her, "You are saying it right now."

The warrior held the bard as tightly as she could, "I am in love with you, Gabrielle of Potedaia."

"I know….."