égoïste
raison #27
Her demeanour changed completely when we started playing volleyball.
Akaashi tossed a volleyball up into the air, then as it came back down, he tossed it again. He was laying on his back on his bed, staring at the ball as it moved.
He was analysing the day's events.
That day, they made it through the qualifiers and slotted themselves into nationals after beating the team that kept stuffing Bokuto. Bokuto had made very good spikes and his condition was good.
However, that was only one problem solved.
Akaashi wasn't a sensitive person, but he did listen to what others thought, their actions and what's happening around him. He was anything but ignorant, and was a very observant person.
That's why, Shiori's condition was confusing to him. She was a good player in her own right and although her technical skills and sense of game were good, it seemed her mentality, though stable, wasn't exactly top notch. By top notch he meant that it seemed like there was always something holding her back from achieving what she could.
It's like she's not letting herself go…?
Akaashi was confused at his own thought. Was it a peer thing? A team thing? Or just a lone wolf thing?
Oh, that's right. Shiori's the undisputed champion of serving. She practically has no rivals in terms of control and accuracy, but power there is.
Is that the reason why she wants to feel 'that feeling'?
The longer the 2nd year thought about it, the more questions that popped up into his head.
Should he wait for something to happen, or should he try and move forward and push her to be better?
I'm almost starting to think I'm like her coach…
Akaashi caught the ball and sat up, playing with it as he searched his room in the darkness. He threw it into the basket, landing straight in, and then plopped back onto his bed.
MiracleBoy: I was talking to Wakatoshi-kun today, and we were talking about how Shiori-chan was serving~!
FlyHigh: Oh? Like what?
MiracleBoy: Wakatoshi-kun said that when he saw her last, she was like a budding plant growing into a flower? I dunno if you get it but he likes to use farming terms lol
FlyHigh: haha is that the only thing he said?
MiracleBoy: well, he also said that she was lacking because she wasn't in a place that could allow her to improve at a faster rate. I mean, how could he say that?!
Shiori didn't text back automatically. She pressed her lips together when she saw the text, a familiar feeling of frustration bubbling up inside of her.
Her brows creased and her lips slowly turned into a frown when she imagined the ever stoic Ushijima saying it to her face.
He had told her something like that before back a few years ago.
"Why don't you train in an environment that allows you to use your skills? You're better off somewhere else."
It was almost like reliving those old memories. She didn't hate Ushijima at all for saying those things because that was what he thought and meant, but because he had said it so outright and easily, it caused her to realise that was something that she really should have done if she didn't want to end up where she was now. However, it could have also gone both ways.
Hearing those words second hand from someone really brings back memories, huh…
The more she dwelled on those words, the more she became frustrated at the fact that nothing seemed to have changed from back then, and she was just running away, albeit not directly.
I'm trying, Ushi-chan, but it's hard. You of all people probably won't understand what I mean, but it's a lot easier said than done.
"Then what are you waiting for?"
The Maebara could just imagine those words leaving his lips if she told him about her problem. It was a very direct way of saying: 'be proactive'.
Shiori just laughed. Not a laugh because of joy, but because of the situation she herself put her in.
I wonder what he'll say when I go back. Will he compliment me or will he just say something like 'improve power to your serves' or something directed at my weaknesses?
She stared at her phone, wondering how to reply to MiracleBoy.
And Keiji, he's been helping me out so much. I don't want to disappoint him. He sometimes knows what I want to do and acts upon it. I'm lucky to have someone like him as a friend. Otherwise, I don't think I would have gone and done those things, ever.
Ah, Shiori went to her messages box and went to her messages with Kuroo. She was sure she remembered that he said something about an under 19s girls' team that was looking for new players.
...maybe I should try that? She thought.
FlyHigh: if the ace of Shiratorizawa says that, then doesn't that mean she still lacks something?
MiracleBoy: i dunno?! He also said she wasn't playing volleyball much after middle school, but that if she's in the picture now after a few years, it would mean something? He said he was looking forward to seeing improvement.
That surprised Shiori. What was she supposed to say in response to that? Ushi-chan wasn't being nice, he was being truthful.
Quite honestly, it made her feel happy that he was looking forward to her improvement.
FlyHigh: that's great, isn't it? I heard she appeared in volleyball monthly a few times recently. Though, snippets aren't large.
MiracleBoy: yeah, she was. Wakatoshi-kun was really happy, even if he didn't admit it! The look on his face was priceless! Oh yeah, did you know? Her brother Arata used to go to Shiratorizawa and was one of the starting members! I dunno if he was the ace or not but that's awesome! Kinda runs in the family, right?
FlyHigh: i doubt it, it's probably just hard work. But that does sound pretty cool. Oh, is that why Ushijima was saying that she should come to Shiratorizawa?
MiracleBoy: something like that~! But probably only because of her skills, not her brother. He just said Arata had nothing to do with it!
FlyHigh: i see~ is that so~
Shiori wondered whether Ushijima had changed too much or not. She doubted he would've, but a little change is inevitable.
Who am I kidding, he's like the same, I think.
She paused at her thought, then sighed deeply.
The more I keep thinking about this the more frustrated I'm getting. I don't know if I'm going to be happy seeing Ushi-chan after all this time.
I should go to sleep.
Akaashi walked to school, hands shoved into his sports jumper pockets. There was morning practice so he had to go early, and he would go meet with Bokuto to walk together.
As he walked, he let out a yawn.
He got enough sleep last night, but the dream he had was just as tiring as not having any sleep at all.
He closed his eyes for a solid 5 seconds, then breathed out slowly.
What was with that dream?
The dream he had was of Shiori and Bokuto and Kuroo and Kenma, where Kuroo and Shiori had gotten together and were visiting him to give him an invitation for their marriage. Akaashi was living with Bokuto somehow, and had received the invitation, after they came to visit. Needless to say, he was shocked and he didn't know what to feel, but he acted out as gracefully as he normally would, even when he was feeling conflicted.
Even during wedding prep, when he had consulted with her and helped her, even when she was doing dress fittings, and even when she was walking down the aisle, he was there, giving his honest input in things, and watching her with a smile that hid his hurt.
He knows he shouldn't be thinking of these things, but he just can't help it sometimes. It's a worry he has, and it probably wouldn't disappear anytime soon.
This is bad…
Of course, it was only a comment directed at his own thoughts. Maybe he was just worried about something he probably didn't need to worry about.
He stopped in his steps, standing still for a moment.
I should stop thinking about that. Future's not certain, but…
"Akaashi!" Bokuto's voice rung out from in front of him, and he looked up to see the ace running towards him.
"...the present is still here." Akaashi murmured.
When Bokuto stopped where Akaashi was, he spoke with a tilt of the head, "What did you say?"
The setter just shook his head, "It's nothing."
Yeah. The present is still here.
When Shiori had woken up, the frustration she felt had built up further. Not only did it not fade from the previous night, but it seemed to get stronger, all because of a dream that she had. It wasn't a made up dream but rather one that made her think, 'so this is what happened'. It was almost a montage of all that made her annoyed, starting from her middle school teammates to Ushijima, then to Bokuto. In bits and pieces, it was like a puzzle that had come together from a thousand pieces.
Deep breaths…
She tried to control herself, calm her expressions. She looked like she was angry, and before getting out of the house Arata and her father had commented on why she had looked so angry. She didn't respond to them and merely gave them a nod and smile, then told them that she was leaving.
But, no matter how much regret she felt for dismissing people so quickly and easily, it would just turn into frustration and anger.
This is just me. Great, now I feel like I want to hit something. Play some volleyball, hit something hard—
She didn't even realise that she had walked into a pole.
"Shiori!" Bokuto cheered when he saw her at the club room. "Shirofuku! Akaashi!"
She was with Yukie, both having just finished changing. Akaashi was behind them, eating an onigiri.
"You're early for once, Bokuto." Yukie and Akaashi both pointed out.
Shiori blinked at him, then sent a small smile his way, "You're certainly chipper today."
Akaashi glanced at Shiori. Apart from the red mark on her head (that he later found out was of her running into a pole), he felt something was off. Maybe it was just his instincts or feel for things, but he was certain something was up. Even during lunch she seemed less bright than usual.
I'll just keep a little watch for now. It'll be bad if things get a bit nasty.
"Are you helping us out today, Shiori?!" Bokuto asked.
She nodded, "Yeah."
Bokuto cheered, not really worrying too much about a short answer, and started changing. Shiori walked out first, followed by Yukie and Akaashi who exchanged glances.
As they headed down the clubroom stairs they bumped into other members of the club, who were all holding their bags to get in and change for club. Greetings were exchanged, with only short answers from the helper server.
It was silent the whole time; the walk to the stadium. Normally they would chat about things, but this time, it was just silent.
Yukie looked at Akaashi, as if talking with her eyes 'What's wrong with Shiori?'
Akaashi would do the same, 'I don't know, she didn't talk to me.'
'I wonder if something happened.'
'Probably, if she's like this.'
"Ah, Maebara-kun," The coach had called her when she entered the gym, leaving the other two members to watch their interaction.
When she came back, she had an unreadable expression. It was like she was concentrated on something very hard, almost like she was in game.
"I'm going to start warmups now." She told the setter and manager and left to do some preliminary jogging.
"It's really like something's wrong." Yukie watched Shiori worriedly. She averted her eyes to Akaashi, who nodded in agreeance.
"I'm not sure what's bothering her. But, I do have a hunch."
"Shiori! WAIT UP!" Bokuto's shout could be heard from everywhere in the gym. He had finished changing at an astounding pace, and went to go jog with his female friend, almost like it was a competition.
"What did the coach ask of Shiori-san?" Akaashi asked, glancing to his manager.
"He was asking her to stay for a little bit longer to help out the younger players today as well." Yukie explained.
"I see." The setter's eyes took to the female volleyball player, seeing her run laps.
If it was up to intuition, Akaashi was good at noticing the small things and feeling whether something was off or not.
Currently, Bokuto was good, but he wasn't sure about Shiori.
"I'm going to start warmups." Akaashi announced, going off to follow his captain and crush.
What is with her today? She's all over the place! Komi thought with creased brows.
He watched the volleyball hit her hand and fly over the net, hitting the ground just after the attack line, an easy reach for the libero. When it arrived back to the other side, he waited for another serve, but it didn't come his way.
"Wha...?" his eyes followed the ball as it flew out of the court, hitting the ground with a bounce that echoed throughout the gym.
"Next one!" Bokuto shouted, ready to receive.
Komi withdrew a breath of air and waited. Normally she aimed at him because he was the libero and receiving was their forte and she wanted to fortify that, but at this time, there wasn't any that came his way. Rather, they flew out of the court, out of bounds, a few more times more than necessary.
Komi and the team weren't the only ones who were surprised. When she missed, Shiori's expression changed.
The coach clapped his hands and blew his whistle. "Maebara-kun! Let's take a break!"
He blew the whistle yet again, as if trying to snap the players out of their surprise. The players stayed on the court, out of their stances, watching Shiori.
"Shiori—" Yukie started, taking a step forward.
Bokuto loudly exclaimed, "Oi, oi, Shiori! What's up with you today?" He started to run over to her.
Geh! Bokuto, don't say that when she looks so angry! Yukie hissed mentally.
Shiori was strangely still, and when he placed a hand on her shoulder, she hit it away abruptly and strongly, quietly walking away outside.
The gym was silent for the minute after she left. Bokuto stared at the door, then at his hand and the red sting, eyes a little wide.
Akaashi pressed his lips together. He packed up the volleyballs and just as he was picking up the last ball, Bokuto had gone outside.
Like Bokuto, the setter also wanted to check on her. He quickly packed up and headed out, finding that Shiori and Bokuto were at the back of the gym conversing.
It would be an understatement to say that he wasn't worried. He was worried because this was probably the first time that she wasn't 'meh' (as she'd put it). She never really revealed an expression that was different to her usual happy, annoyed, nonchalant ones, so something was definitely up.
It was like dragon breath that ragged breaths came from between Shiori's lips.
Her brown eyes widened when her throw was off, causing her hit to go off when she erred. It was a very foreign feeling to her; the feeling of a serve not going well. Normally she would be able to change it so that it would succeed well, but this time, it was like she wasn't able to.
When she was younger and learning the sport of volleyball, it was hard to get something like a serve right—it took many failures and few successes to many successes and few failures to get where she was now.
She had built up a momentum that wouldn't allow her to fail because of all the hard work and repetition that had gone into it.
But, it was fact that she failed. She wasn't a God at it; she was only human.
And humans are capable of errors.
Shiori felt beads of sweat roll off her face and back, and the stares aimed at her that felt like the sharpened daggers from middle school.
How many did I just fail? Was that 5 in a row? They all went where I didn't want them to go.
Am I failing? Why aren't I succeeding?
"Shiori-"
No, don't talk to me.
"Oi, oi, oi Shiori! What's up with you today?"
Steps, then, a hand on the shoulder.
DON'T TOUCH ME!
Shiori went outside immediately after, a sinking feeling instantly taking over her. She swallowed and went to the back of the gym, trying to relieve her anger.
She didn't mean to do that to Bokuto. She never meant to hit him so harshly. But, she did, and that was her own fault.
She clenched her molars and frowned at herself for not being able to control her emotions.
Why am I like this?
She heard steps behind her.
Useless.
She knew who it was.
"Bokuto, I think you should go back." Shiori spoke with a slightly aggressive tone, surprising the wing spiker.
"Why? I'm just checking if you're okay." The ace said dumbly, rubbing the spot where she hit him.
"I'm fine." She said curtly.
"...well you don't look fine." The owl pointed out. "Is it because you missed all those serves?"
Shiori opened her mouth to snap at him but she closed it because she knew he was right. "What of it?"
"You don't normally miss serves. Did something happen?" Bokuto took a step closer, as if testing the waters.
Shiori just glanced at him with a hardened look, lips pressed together. "Nothing happened."
Leave.
"Hey, that doesn't look like it's nothing." The captain took another, getting a little annoyed that she was being like this. He wanted the normal Shiori back, the one that he could crack jokes and have fun with.
"I said it's nothing, so just leave already!" She finally snapped.
"I don't think it's 'nothing' if you're like this!" Bokuto grabbed her shoulders. "Is it because of me or something?! I know I do some stupid things, but if it is, then I'm sorry!"
Shiori tried to remove his hands from her shoulders, but his grip was like steel so she just gave up.
No, it's not your fault, Kou.
"What did I do wrong?! I won't know if you don't tell me! I—"
"It's not you I'm angry at, Kou!" She finally had enough. She didn't want to keep bottling up what she was feeling; bottling up everything. If she kept it up, lots of people would have gotten hurt, most of all her best friends.
"What?" Bokuto echoed his 'what' again, surprised. The grip on her shoulders loosened and she tore his arms off her.
All this time he thought he had done something wrong because it seemed she was angry at him.
"I'm angry at myself!" She clenched her hands and stared at Bokuto, facing him head on. "When I see you, I, I—" She shook her head and her brows knitted together, almost as if she was sad and angry at the same time. Her hands went by her sides, "I realise how I'm not good enough." Her voice went small.
It was a confession she didn't expect even herself to make, and it was a sentence that made her feel very vulnerable.
Bokuto's thick brows rose in astonishment that those words were coming right out of her mouth. He didn't really believe that she actually said that—considering she was one of the people that he considered as a top notch volleyball player.
"Not good enough?" Bokuto echoed her choice of words, not sure if he liked he taste of it on his tongue.
Yeah, he hated how it sounded.
"What do you mean not good enough?" Bokuto raised a brow, unsure if he had any idea of the meaning behind those words. In his eyes, she was good enough for many things.
Shiori looked at him in disbelief, as if she had no idea that he didn't know. She studied him, searching his big owlish eyes to see if he was really asking truthfully and if he really didn't know.
And finally, she said, "I'm not even good at volleyball."
Bokuto, why?
Bokuto blinked a couple of times. Then, his eyes widened and he exclaimed, "What?! Are you serious?! You're good at it!"
"I'M SERIOUS, BOKUTO!" She raised her voice at him, nearly making the eavesdroppers jump. "What good is it if I'm mediocre at the rest of volleyball but only good at one thing?! And, even that one thing, that one thing, it—I'm not good enough! There's always something that I'm lacking! There's always something that I'm inferior!"
"Wait hold on—"
"And, not just that, I don't get it, I really don't! As much as I love volleyball, when I look at you playing, I miss the me that used to get excited over small and silly plays, the me that used to get excited over a service ace! Now all I am is some emotionless person who can't feel anything when it comes to stuff like this…"
Bokuto just watched as she snapped, and everything came pouring from her lips. He couldn't hide his shocked look, but he listened to her.
"I'm lacking so much! And I'm not improving at all, even with the help of so many people! I'm not like you, Bokuto. I'm not strong like you, I don't improve at a fast rate like you anymore," Shiori felt her eyes tear up. She was getting emotional, all because of her love of this one sport. She averted her eyes away from the male, "I'm jealous of you, how you have all the qualities I don't, when it comes to volleyball."
"You, jealous of me?" Bokuto pointed to her, then he pointed to himself, with the most bewildered of expressions. "Are you serious?" His voice was full of disbelief.
"Does it look like I'm lying?!"
Bokuto laughed and shook his head, rubbing the back of his neck. "Well, it's just that I didn't expect you to be jealous of me of all people! Like, I know I'm awesome and all, but I didn't think you'd think that way. Especially in volleyball no less."
Shiori wiped the side of her eye so that the tear wouldn't fall. "And why not?"
"Well, you're a pretty awesome player too, so I thought we were both kinda awesome? Like," He thought for a moment, then nodded and continued on, "even if your other plays aren't as good as your serves, who's to say that they're the worse? You're being too hard on yourself." He pointed at his own heart, "Like, you know that team that kept blocking my crosses and how I got them back real good with a line shot? Yeah, I was so frustrated and I worked my ass off to get it to work in game."
He pointed to his head, "It's all in the head, you know? I thought I was bad if they kept blocking me. But, I got past them. So, I'm pretty sure you'll be able to get past whatever is holding you back, too. Frustration is part of the game, you know? So if you're so angry about this, doesn't that mean you just want to be a better player?"
"Not to mention, you say you haven't been improving, but that's just your opinion. We think you've improved. Remember that spike you did?! That was awesome! How could you have forgotten that? And all those serves you keep giving us, from day 1 to now, they have also improved! I can guarantee that! Komi can as well!"
"So no, you're not bad. You're just saying that to yourself because you think you need to improve even more to keep up, like I get you, I really do! But instead of bottling up those feelings you have," He pointed to her, "Use it to play more volleyball!"
Shiori opened her mouth to say something in response, but nothing came out. Instead, her eyes started overflowing with tears, and they fell down her cheeks like cascading waterfalls.
"Huh?!" Bokuto gasped when he saw her cry. He stiffened, then he relaxed as he took a step closer, "Hey, hey, hey are you okay?!"
"I'm…fine," She started laughing, wiping the tears as she smiled.
"Why are you laughing and crying at the same time?" Bokuto was clueless.
"It's just, I feel like a weight's been lifted off my shoulders." She confessed. She snorted, and then laughed harder because it sounded like something between a hiccup and a snort. "Thanks, Koutarou."
Bokuto looked a little surprised, then he blinked a few times, and his cheeks slowly reddened into a blush. He rubbed the back of his head, laughing a little, "I didn't do anything."
"You've done a lot, already. Thank you for being here."
