A/N I apologize for the delay but I had deadlines and University was kicking my ass. I am all caught up on work now, so I'll try to do better.

The babytalk continues, among other things. In the very first draft of this story, a year ago, the baby thing came up way earlier and ended with a still married Derek "donating" his sperm to inseminate Merediths eggs before freezing (Can you imagine. "Honey, how was your day?" "Good. By the way, there are a dozen frozen embryos that are half me, half Meredith if she ever wants to have children. Hope you don't mind." Awkward :p ) I like this version better.

I don't think you will be happy with this chapter.

"What's that?"

"Breakfast in bed."

"You made pancakes?"

"Yeah." Derek shifted awkwardly.

Meredith sipped her orange juice. "Do you have to work today?"

"No, I took the day of, your doctors appointment with Dr. Cox is today, remember."

"You don't have to come with me."

"I always go to your appointments with you."

"Well you don't have to any more."

"I want to."

"Do you?"

"Of course. I said in the beginning I would, I am not going to stop now."

"Well things change. I don't want you there."

"What?"

"You heard me."

"We had a fight. Couples fight. They get mad at each other, they yell and then they make up."

"I tried. You were an ass."

"It might come as a surprise to you, but the world doesn't revolve around you. Not even mine." he snapped.

"I never said it did!"

Derek sighed. He was being unfair."I lost a patient."

"I'm sorry."

"She was the prettiest little girl. They were on their way to the hospital to pick up the Mom. The car went of the road when the dad had an epileptic seizure. He was DOA. Megan, that was her name, she died on my table. There was just too much damage. I went to tell the Mom. She was in the waiting room, yelling on her husbands mailbox because he was late picking her up and she just really wanted to hold her little girl. She has AML and just had a bone-marrow-transplant. She was so mad at her husband for not being on time and I had to tell her that her husband and her little girl were gone."

"I'm so sorry. I didn't know." she wrapped her arms around him.

"She..." Derek swallowed. "I had to sent her up to psych. She was fighting for her girl and her husband, for their future and with them gone, where was the sense to keep fighting. I... she was going to..."

"Ssshhh."

"She called me a liar and she didn't believe me and when she did, she just..." Derek searched for the right word. "died before me eyes. All fight just left her and she gave up. If I could have just saved Megan."

"You did everything you could."

"You don't know that. Maybe there was something..."

"You said yourself, there was too much damage. We can't save everyone, Derek, you know that. You were her surgeon. If you couldn't save her, than she was beyond anyone's ability to save." he finally reciprocated her hug, holding her as tightly as she held him.

"I'm sorry I was mean last night."

"It's okay, I didn't know you lost a patient."

"I just wanted to be left alone last night."

"Why did you came here then?"

"I wanted to come home. In my head we'd curl up in our bed and everything would go away. Instead you were having fun downstairs and... I'm their boss, they can't see me like that." Derek bit his tongue. He hadn't meant to talk about home and their bed. It would only scare her off.

"Like what?"

"Shaken. I just wanted to lie in bed and hold you."

"Why didn't you say so."

"You wanted to talk and I couldn't talk last night."

"You could have said so."

"I did. You got mad."

"Because you didn't tell me why."

"So it's okay for you to get mad when I want to talk but you don't, but it's not okay for me to get mad when you want to talk but I don't?"

"I didn't say that. I shouldn't have gotten mad but listened to what you had to say. You blindsided me with the talk about children. I am willing to talk now if you still want to talk."

Derek sighed. "I want to be a Dad, since I can remember I wanted to have a family. And I know you're not ready to talk about this, I understand that, but you're starting chemo soon and only a third of woman are able to conceive afterwards."

"I know."

"You have thought about this?"

"Yes, but because of the hormone receptors of my tumour, Dr. Cox and the Oncologist say it's too dangerous to harvest my eggs." She had thought about it, she had even asked about it.

"There have been trials by surgically removing ovarian tissue and then implanting it later when you're ready to have children."

"I don't want another surgery, especially an experimental one. I don't even know if I want children."

"If you don't know, then why aren't you trying to preserve your fertility, so you can make up your mind later?"

"I have crappy genes, Derek. My Mom has Alzheimer's. I have cancer. Who'd want a child with me?"

"I'd want to."

"I'm not doing that." she shook her head. "I am not planning my maybe-babies on a future with you."

"We're talking about freezing tissue, not freezing embryos. I... You still don't trust me. You won't plan for the future because you think I won't be there." She said nothing. Derek swallowed.

"Okay." he rubbed his face tiredly. "I'm uhm, your doctors appointment is at three. Are you okay to drive yourself there? There... I have to go to the trailer."

"Derek..."

"I see you later." he walked out on her, before she had time to put the tray away and get up.

Derek bit his lip tightly until he drew blood. It's... weeks, it had been weeks and nothing had changed. He would tell her he loved her and she would hum or kiss him or change the topic. How long was he expected to hold onto her?


"You're here."

"I am."

"I said I don't want you here."

"I thought you might change your mind."

"I didn't."

"So, I won't have to go inside. I can wait here for you."

"Derek, go home."

"So this is it?"

"What?"

"We fight and you end this, whatever this is?"

"I"

"Because I love you, and I am willing to fix us. Do you love me too or is this you letting me go easy? If you know you don't love me, I'd rather you admit it now and let me go than keep using me as your crutch only to move on to someone better once you're cured." He was desperate, she needed to give him something, only a little bit to keep on hoping there'd be a future for them. That he had not destroyed all when he chose Addison.

"Doctor Grey, Doctor Cox is now ready for you."

"Go home, Derek." he watched her walk away, trying his best to breeze. This was it, it was over. 24 hours ago they had been happy and in love, she had been curled up in his arms after an amazing round of love-making and now he was watching her walk away from him. 24 hours between happiness and despair. He hadn't felt this heartbroken since... he had left Meredith for Addison but that had been of his own choice and he hadn't had any right to feel that way. This time, Meredith had left.


He had moments, feelings where he knew that something was about to happen, where he knew that his life was about to change. When he stepped out of the shower, his eyes fixated on his bed, he knew exactly how this was going to play out. He tied the towel around his waist in haste. The door to the trailer opened.

"I know I said I didn't..." Meredith stepped into the room. For a moment everything was silent. "Seriously? Seriously!" Like a mirage, almost as soon as she had appeared, Meredith was gone already.

I am pretty sure I have written myself into a corner with this chapter as it was so not going the way I had planned it and I'll have to revisit my outline. Oh well... I have a week to figure it out. Leave feedback, please.