oh my god oh my god
I am sooo soo soo sorry for those who have been waiting for weeks for this.
Writers Block + school = not a lot of time or motivation. but here it is anyway and i think i am starting to get the mojo back :)
Also ....
For those who read this story.. I have another Jokachel fic or... series of fics actually 'Vigilante'
:) just in case you're wondering.... in other words... go check it out and review please xD
thanks
STOCKHOLM SYNDROME
Chapter twenty eight - Friend
Rachel shivered, the cold air coming from her window sending chills all over her body. She hadn't moved from her position on her floor.
She knew it was probably wise if she moved as her whole body was starting to cramp from sitting in the same position for so long. But she couldn't seem to find the will to get up.
Her body was tired, and her mind was miles away.
The shock of the day's events... the week's events was too overwhelming to ignore.
Her cheeks were swollen from the incessant amount of tears she had cried, her eyes were dry now, unable to find the strength to cry anymore.
Everything was so messed up; Rachel knew that everything that had happened was too weird to be real, bonding with The Joker?
It felt like a dream that she couldn't wake from, only now she was being yanked out of the dream against her will.
A few weeks ago she would have longed for something to pull her from the nightmare that had become her life, now Rachel knew some part of her wished that she could return to the weird hazy mess that her life had become.
Thoughts were racing through her head, her body refusing to let her rest, why couldn't she just get some peace? Even when he was gone The Joker still managed to haunt her.
Rachel groaned, every muscle in her body was clenched in tension, her head ached from where it was slammed into the wall, it was still bleeding she knew, she could feel the sticky wetness seep through her brown locks.
Her face was sore, her bandaged cheek had been pulled and stretched, she could feel the bruising swell her puffy cheek even more.
Her stomach was burning and not the burning she enjoyed, the pain was not underlined with that wonderful pleasure it had been before, now it was just painful.
She didn't even want to know what she looked like.
Lifting her hand, Rachel bought it to the new wound on her head, it was deep, and her fingers came back red.
Her eyes ran over the red fingers, intrigued with the deep colour of her blood, it was fascinating, this blood came from her own body, seeped from the crack in her skull, oozing out staining her hair and her wall red, how odd that she could see the blood on her hands, her own blood.
Taking a deep breath Rachel stood up, barely able to hold her weight. Her legs were shaking and she was sure that at any moment she would be sent tumbling back down to the floor, she didn't really mind.
If she collapsed again she could just lay there for a while, try and forget everything and enjoy that sweet darkness that would encase her.
But no, she couldn't give up, she had to be strong now, Harvey, Bruce... everyone who she loved needed her.
She needed help, she knew that for sure and though Rachel knew that she should go to the hospital, being inside a hospital room again was definitely not something that she wished for.
There was only one person that she could think of to call.
Dialling the number, Rachel waited for someone to answer.
"Hello..."
Rachel swallowed, but no voice would come out, her throat was raw and dry and she couldn't seem to make her vocal cords work.
"Uh.... Hello... Who is this?" The voice asked again.
Rachel cleared her throat "Mara..." she said, her voice coming out in a wheezy croak.
"Rachel... are you okay... you sound weird.. What's the matter?"
"Yeah... it's me...... Could.... you come over... please" she all but whispered into the phone receiver.
"Rachel.... what's wrong..... Seriously darling you sound horrible" the worry in Mara's voice was obvious, Rachel felt a slight twinge of warmth flood through her cold body, Mara cared... Mara wouldn't judge, Mara would be there for her, Mara would be her friend.
She needed someone, she couldn't call Harvey, she definitely couldn't call Bruce, there was Alfred but she knew that it would be to weird seeing as he was like a father to her, she needed a friend something she was really lacking in her life, She hoped desperately that Mara Lewis would be that friend.
"I'm just........I'll explain it to you when you come over.... you have my address right"
"Yeah... yeah course I do..... I'll be over in a bit yeah?"
"Thanks" Rachel whispered hanging up.
Rachel felt her body collapse onto her dining room chair. Her body was shaking and her head now pounding as if it was being drilled open with a jack-hammer.
It was painful physically yes, but her emotions were too difficult, something she didn't want to deal with, she'd cried everything she had out of her already. Now she just wanted to be numb..... Just for a little while.
A knocking sound echoed through Rachel's apartment, each loud bang echoing into her skull
it wasn't that loud but to Rachel it felt like she was standing next to a speaker at a Marilyn Manson concert.
She had no doubt that The Joker's push had landed her a concussion, only her 10th for the week.... Rachel was surprised that she had any brain cells left after being knocked out so much over the last few weeks.
Mara's muffled voice broke Rachel out of her thoughts
"Rachel... It's me... Mara... which you've probably guessed seeing as..... Uh....you talked to me like... 10 minutes ago... um aren't you going to let me in?"
A small smile tugged at Rachel's lips, it didn't matter how horrendous, how absolutely devastating things were, she was sure that Mara could make her feel a little better.
Rachel opened the door to be faced with Mara, a vast array of different emotions flickering across her face.
Her green eyes were wide in shock and Rachel detected a definite hint of horror as Mara took in Rachel's haggard appearance.
"Blimey...... you look awful!" Mara gasped.
Rachel rolled her eyes "Thanks Mara...... really...you made my day".
Rachel gestured Mara too come in, before walking over to her sofa, her head starting to feel dizzy.
When exactly did her apartment start spinning around?
Mara took a seat next to Rachel on the sofa, her eyes instantly going to the bleeding wound on the back of her head.
"What the hell happened.....? It looks like someone bashed you over the head with a crowbar...or cricket bat... or.....well, something large and hard!"
Rachel sighed "Something like that" she whispered.
Mara frowned at her, "I'm taking you to the hospital".
Rachel's eyes went wide "NO... I don't need to, it's why I called you, I Just can't fix it up myself... and you're a nurse so I guessed you'd be more qualified than me anyway".
Mara's face was covered with suspicion, Rachel knew it, Mara did not believe a word she said, and if she was honest with herself, in a way she was hoping that Mara would know that she was lying.... she'd lied too much already, she was sick and tired of it.
"Really....... because to me.... it seems like you don't want to go to the hospital because that would raise too many questions on how you acquired this new addition to your every growing list of injuries....questions that you don't want to answer" Mara said, her voice filled with more hysteria with every word.
Rachel bit her lip, it was true, and every word Mara said was true. If she went to the hospital they'd be suspicious about how she got another injury, they'd ask questions, Harvey would be called as well as Bruce and that would make it even more complicated, she didn't want them to know it was The Joker, she didn't want them to have another reason to go after him.
She wanted him safe........ Which Rachel knew was something that he'd never be anyway.
Rachel's silence gave Mara the answer she was looking for and her eyes went even wider, if it was at all possible and her mouth hung open in awe.
"I'm right aren't I........? Oh my god that's exactly it..... It was him wasn't it Rachel....that clown...what's going on!"
Rachel groaned squeezing her eyes shut suddenly wondering if calling Mara had been the best idea after all. Maybe she could have somehow managed to take care of the wound by herself. It would have been better than being bombarded with hysteric al questions by loony Nurses.
Mara's voice softened, the shrill hysteria seeping away leaving warm calmness, it made Rachel want to tell her the truth, after everything, she wanted to tell the truth, to be honest, to finally let go of the secret that had been slowly crushing her for weeks.
"You can tell me".
Rachel took a deep breath, somehow preparing herself for the onslaught of questions that she would somehow have to give an answer to.
"Yes..." She whispered "Yes It was The Joker".
Mara gasped "I knew it... that freak's stalking you isn't he, what's he got... some kind of sick twisted clown crush on you or something?" she chuckled
Rachel looked at her in all seriousness "Yes...actually".
"Oh..." Mara said the smile fading from her face. "So ... how long has McFreaky been visiting you?
Rachel shook her head, taking a deep breath "Since he held me captive I guess."
"You haven't told anyone about his...... um crush"
Rachel scoffed, unable to hide the small Joker-like giggle that escaped her mouth "Are you kidding me? Of course I haven't... I mean what would I say oh by the way Harvey... The Joker likes to break into my house sometimes... you know just for a little chat and bonding time ... OH! And sometimes he gives me the wonderful gift of a concussion and a fucking knife in my face!"
Mara blinked a few times "Well.....It seems like a viable option".
"Why haven't you?"
Rachel paused as she took in Mara's words, she didn't know the answer to the question, and she didn't know why she didn't tell anyone that The Joker liked to break into her apartment..... She just knew that she wouldn't and couldn't.
"I... don't know" Rachel whispered honestly. "Oh... god I really don't know"
Mara cleared her throat awkwardly, as if she was hesitant about what she was about to say
"Do you like it when he ...... comes to you?"
Rachel turned away, unable to face Mara, she didn't want to see that disgusted look she knew would grace her pretty features when she realised the truth.
'Here goes nothing......say goodbye to your friend' Rachel thought to herself.
"Yes..." Rachel mumbled almost inaudible to Mara's ears.
There was nothing but silence in the room, and Rachel's shallow breathing. Tension filled the air and it was so thick that Rachel felt like she was drowning in it, unable to breathe and unable to escape it.
"Okay....." Mara said obviously shocked "I...didn't see that coming... I expected at least a little bit of denial".
Rachel scoffed "All I've done over the last few weeks is deny.....especially to myself".
Mara scooted closer to her and gently brushed a few stray hairs behind Rachel's ear.
"I want to say I get it... that I understand... but I don't... I'm sorry" Mara said her voice filled with regret.
Rachel smiled, her dry eyes once again filling with tears.
"I understand that you don't understand... how I can blame you.... I don't even understand it" Rachel laughed, her laughter filled with bitterness.
Mara smiled, "So..... What is it.... that um...you like about.... h-him" she stuttered slightly.
Rachel frowned as she ran through all the reasons why she liked him, or why she wanted him. It didn't shock her when she couldn't find any.
"I don't even like him........ Like...how can anyone like him...? He's a disgusting hateful killer...god I hate him".
Mara nodded "I'm with you on that one".
Rachel sighed "But.... sometimes...... I see someone there in those eyes and for those small moments he's not The Joker... he's just a person" Rachel rolled her eyes, knowing how completely ridiculous she sounded even to her own ears
"I know it doesn't make sense.... But I honestly believe that there is someone inside, I used to think he was dead, but I've seen him.... Mara I've seen him, the man he keeps buried because he's afraid.... if he lets him out.... people will see him for what he really is... or was...... just a kid who watched his parents die".
Mara's eyes widened "...Wow..... You actually seem to know him Rachel".
Rachel shook her head, a sad smile on her face "Nobody knows him Mara".
"So... that's the reason why you like him... or don't like him?..... I'm confused" Mara said frowning.
"So am I.. I don't even know how I feel.... all I know is ... he makes me sick....and he makes me laugh.... he makes me cry... he makes me hurt, he makes me.....feel". Rachel gasped through all the tears that were welling in her eyes.
Her stomach was clenched in knots and everything ached in pain worse that anything she could have imagined.
Mara nodded "Harvey doesn't make you feel... ?"
Rachel sobbed "Harvey.... oh god... I always do this.... I forget about him... What kind of person does that make me Mara? I'm supposed to love him... I do love him! But he slips so far from my mind sometimes that I forget that even exists..... I'm horrible".
Mara wrapped an arm around her gently patting her back in what Rachel assumed was an act of comfort, Rachel was grateful, despite the fact that It did nothing to ease her horror.
"It's okay... Rachel you've been through a lot............ you have heard of Stockholm Syndrome right?"
Rachel narrowed her eyes "Stockholm Syndrome.... have I heard of it? .... It's all I've lived for weeks!"
Mara cringed before nodding "Right..... Sorry ".
Rachel sighed before shaking her head "No, I'm sorry, I'm just messed up.... it doesn't matter now anyway.... nothing matters now... he's gone"
Mara frowned "What?"
Rachel nodded "The Joker.... he's gone and he's not coming back".
Mara broke out into a large smile "Really... that's great... uh sorry... not so much from your point of view".
Rachel tried to smile, but the smile wouldn't come, her face muscles refused to work.
"Yeah... it's great" she said her voice breaking.
"Do you love him?" Mara asked, her voice was completely serious, it shocked Rachel, very rarely did it seem that you heard Mara Lewis with such a serious tone in her voice.
Rachel took in her words, do you love him.... Do you love him? Do I love him? Rachel opened her mouth to say something but she couldn't find the words. Love... it was something that she had never even thought about in association with The Joker, there was no way after all.
She couldn't love him, she didn't even like him.
There was no way..........
"I....I ... he I don't... know" Rachel stuttered unable to truly form an actual sentence.
Mara smiled sympathetically before taking a closer look at the wound on the back of her head.
"Okay... I'm going to clean this up... Where's your first aid kit".
"Bathroom" Rachel said absentmindedly, her mind was elsewhere.
Love.... Love....Love
She Loved Harvey . She loved Bruce, she loved Alfred, she loved her family and friends, and they were all sure things that she loved without a doubt.
The Joker, did she love him?
She felt broken up inside every time she thought about The Joker and every time she thought about Jack.
It seemed obvious that Rachel saw them as almost two different people.
They almost were really.
The feeling inside her gut, every time she was near him, she couldn't describe it, she couldn't even describe anything about their relationship.
Mara came back in the room, with Rachel's first aid kit in her hand.
"Okay, let's do this" Mara said opening the box.
"Yes" Rachel whispered.
Mara looked up at her "What?"
"Yes I love him".
