Never be alone again - Shelby finds out she'll never have to go through anything alone again. Originally a oneshot inspired by THAT kiss!
Rating - T
Characters - Shelby, Puck, Beth, Annie and Nate (the twins) Mrs Puckerman (Sarah), Noah's sister (Hannah), Bruno the dog & occasionally Rachel.
A/N - Question for you all, would you prefer updates this size once a week, or updates half this size twice a week?
It's a long part today, I probably won't always go into too much detail about Shelby's therapy sessions, but I thought this one was important. Happy reading :)
Shelby slept in Rachel's bed that night, Hannah slept in Beth's room and Sarah shared with Noah to help him with the twins. Beth woke a little after 4am and carefully slipped from the bed without waking Hannah. She crept silently down the hall and peered round the door of her parents room only to see her Bubbe where she'd expected to find her Momma. She sighed and rubbed at her tired eyes before going to find the next best thing, if she couldn't find her Momma, she'd have to get cuddles from Rachel.
The creek of the door woke Rachel, and she smiled sleepily at Beth, "hey" she whispered as Beth stepped into the room, "is everything okay?"
Beth nodded, "I wanted to cuddle with Momma but I can't find her, can I cuddle with you instead?"
Rachel and nodded, "you can snuggle with me and Momma, she's right here" she smiled as she lifted up the sheets and allowed Beth to climb over her into the middle of the bed.
Beth immediately snuggled into the gap between her mother and sister and wrapped her arms as far around Shelby as she could, "I love you Momma" she whispered.
"I love you too Bee" Shelby mumbled sleepily, scaring both Rachel and Beth who hadn't realised she was awake, "but why aren't you sleeping?"
Beth shrugged, "I waked up and I just missed you Momma. I wanted to cuddle with you but Bubbe was in bed with Daddy so I came to cuddle with Rachel but you're here too so I can cuddle you both." Shelby smiled, Beth might not be biologically related to her mother or her eldest sister, but she had certainly picked up a lot of their habits, cuddling being one of them.
"Okay" Shelby smiled, rolling over to face Beth and Rachel, "let's cuddle and go back sleep" she kissed Beth's forehead before kissing her fingers and laying them on Rachel's cheek.
"Can you walk me to school tomorrow?" Beth asked as she began to play with Shelby's fingers, "just you, not Rachel or Daddy or Bubbe or Annie or Nate. Just you?"
Shelby nodded, "Of course I can baby" she kissed Beth again, "but you need to close your eyes and go to sleep or you'll be too tired to walk to school."
"I love you Momma" Beth sighed as she closed her eyes and shifted slightly in the bed to get comfy.
"I love you too Bee."
"I love you Rachel."
Rachel chuckled quietly, "I love you too Beth".
The room was silent for a moment before Beth spoke again, "Momma" she whispered loudly, "we can't go to sleep til you've said 'I love you' to Rachel and she says it back."
Shelby smiled, "I love you Rach".
Rachel smiled too and squeezed Shelby's hand under the covers, "I love you too Mom."
Noah burst into the room the next morning, "I can't find...Oh God she's in here." He put his hand on his heart, "Beth wasn't in her bed" he explained to a confused Shelby and Rachel, "I went to wake her and Hannah up and she wasn't there."
"She woke in the night" Shelby explained, "and wanted to cuddle."
Noah nodded and smiled softly at Shelby, "it's 7.15, I'll make breakfast if you want to shower or something? Mom said your appointment is at 10.30."
"Thanks" Shelby smiled, "I promised Beth I'd walk her to school, will you be okay with Annie and Nate?"
Noah nodded and leant across Rachel and a still sleeping Beth to kiss Shelby's cheek, "of course I am. You just do what you need to do" he kissed her again, "I'll be downstairs being a domestic God when you're ready" he said, leaving the room with a wink.
"Hey Bee" Shelby shook Beth gently and kissed her head, "it's time to wake up."
"Don't wanna."
"Come on" Shelby lifted Beth to sit on her knee, "we need to get up and get you dressed so I can walk you to school."
Rachel took Beth's hand and shook it softly, "come on sleepy head, I'll help you get dressed so Momma can hop in the shower, and then she'll meet us in the kitchen."
Beth sleepily opened her eyes, "promise you'll meet us in the kitchen?" she asked Shelby.
"I promise" Shelby nodded, kissing Beth again and watching as she walked out of the room hand in hand with Rachel. She took a deep breath to try and calm herself down before wiping at her eyes and heading for the shower, trying to prepare herself for what was to come.
"Do you want me to come to the doctors with you?" Rachel asked once Shelby was back from taking Beth to school.
Shelby nodded, "please."
"Okay" Rachel smiled, "do you want me to drive or...?"
Shelby gasped, "my car, I..."
"is in the garage" Rachel finished her sentence, "Noah bought it home for you last night."
Shelby nodded, "right, yeah, can, would you drive please?"
Rachel nodded, "of course, I wouldn't have offered otherwise. We'll leave in about 15 minutes okay?" Shelby nodded and Rachel smiled, "I'm just going to use the bathroom."
Shelby walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water and she found Noah sat at the table, Nate laid against the chest as he read the morning paper, "hey" Noah smiled as Shelby walked into the room, "everything okay?"
Shelby nodded, "yeah. You?"
"Yeah." Noah nodded, "Annie's asleep but this little guy wont go down", he bounced Nate gently to demonstrate that he was still awake, "I think we've run out of luck with them being on the same routine" he smiled. There was silence for a minute before Noah spoke again, "do you want me to come with you, to your appointment?"
Shelby shook her head, "Rachel's gonna come, but tonight, when the kids are all asleep, can we, can we talk?"
Noah stood from the table and walked over to Shelby, kissing her cheek softly, "you don't have to ask Shel, I said I'll be there whenever you need me and I mean that. Tonight, when the littlies are asleep I'm all yours okay." He kissed her softly, "I'm always here for you Shel, whether that means watching the kids so you can have some time to yourself, or it means holding you while you cry, whatever you need me to do babe, all you have to do is say the words. I'm not going anywhere."
Shelby nodded, "thank you." She let Noah wipe away the tears that seemed to be constantly damp on her cheeks, "I love you" she whispered, "I love you and I'm sorry."
"Hey" Noah linked the fingers of his free hand with Shelby's, "you've got nothing to be sorry for, and I love you too darling. I always have and I always will."
"Hey" Rachel hated to break up the scene in front of her but she didn't really have much of a choice, "are you ready to go Mom?"
Shelby nodded and kissed Noah again before kissing Nate, "I'll see you later."
Noah nodded, "I'll be here" he squeezed Shelby's hand, "it'll be okay Shel, don't worry about it."
"Shelby" her doctor smiled sadly as she entered the room, "take a seat." She sat in the chair she'd sat in so many times when she was pregnant, "I hear you've not been feeling too good." Shelby shook her head, "do you want to tell me about it?"
"It's all just a bit overwhelming sometimes" she admitted, "I hardly sleep, Rachel's given up her dreams because of me and I hate that and I feel like now Noah's got the babies he wanted, he doesn't want me any more."
"Hows your appetite been?"
Shelby shrugged, "I don't seem to be hungry any more, I eat because I know I need to, because I, I'm feeding the twins, but I don't feel hungry."
The doctor nodded, "and have you ever felt like hurting yourself or the twins?"
"Not the twins, I'd never, I wouldn't hurt my babies."
"And yourself?"
Shelby took a shaky breath as her eyes filled with tears, she knew she had to be honest but she was scared of what would happen when she admitted what she'd done. "Yesterday, I walked out, I, I couldn't, I.."
"Take your time" the doctor said softly as he passed over a box of tissues.
"I saw a car, I walked into the road. I, I think I wanted him to hit me."
"Shelby" the doctor stood from his seat and moved round his desk, "are you okay, physically I mean. Do you need to be checked over?"
She shook her head, "he didn't hit me."
"And do you still want to end your life?"
Shelby shook her head, "no. I couldn't, I couldn't do it to my family. I need to stop feeling like this. For them."
"You know what I'm going to say don't you?" The doctor asked from where he sat beside Shelby. She nodded slowly, "say it" he said, "they say the first step to getting over a problem is acknowledgement."
"Postnatal depression" Shelby whispered, "I had it after I had Rachel, but I assumed that was more to do with the adoption."
The doctor nodded, "this doesn't mean you've failed or you've let anyone down. Post natal depression is so common we have dedicated counsellors for it. We can get you through this. It might not be quick and it probably wont be easy but we can help you through it. I've made you an appointment with Mira, one of our specialist counsellors. I pulled in a few favours and she's managed to fit you in at two this afternoon, but you need to be honest with her Shelby. you need to tell her what you told me about yesterday."
Shelby sighed, "will I be..."
"Admitted?" The doctor asked, "sectioned?" Shelby nodded and the doctor shook his head, "I'll speak to Mira and tell her I wouldn't recommend it."
"But I..."
"You're a new mother, I'd hate to take any parent away from their children, especially one with post natal depression, you've told me you want to get help and you're not still having suicidal thoughts and I believe you Shelby. I also believe that you have an unbelievably strong support group in your family. You need to make the most of that. You're so lucky Shelby, I see some women with PND after having their first, second, fifth, eighth child whatever, who have absolutely no one Shelby. You have a family who I'm sure would do anything to be there for you. Let them in, it might be hard but it will help in the long run."
Shelby nodded, "I'll try."
"And that's all we'll ever ask Shelby, that you try." He smiled and tried to lighten the mood in the room, "Rachel's your double isn't she?" he'd seen Rachel for the first time when he'd called Shelby into his office and he couldn't believe how alike the pair were. "I've heard Mira's the best we have, but I've never had post natal depression, so if you don't get on with her, we've got other people you can see. If you don't feel like it's working with Mira, say something, tell me if you don't feel like you can tell her. We want to help you get through this just as much as you want to get through it."
"Thank you."
"It's okay" the doctor smiled, "just because you've delivered doesn't mean I've stopped caring, I'm still your doctor and if there's anything I can do to help you out, all you have to do is say." Shelby nodded, "now I know you've still got a couple of weeks before your six week check, but is there anything else worrying you?"
Shelby shook her head, "my babies are growing up so fast" she sniffed and smiled for the first time in a while, "Nate especially, he's already grown so much, he's got so much hair. I just need a way to keep them little for a while longer and then I'll be okay."
"They always grow up too fast, my eldest graduates high school this year. I swear it was only last week i was dropping her off for her first day at kindergarten. But they're doing well? They're feeding well and putting on weight?"
She nodded, "yeah, Nate drinks like he's never been fed before, but Annie takes forever. They're both putting weight on, slowly, but it's going on, and they're starting to develop their own personalities. Annie's so quiet and relaxed, but Nate wants attention all the time. If we hear one baby cry, you can bet your life that it'll be Nate. Annie seems happy just to sit back and take everything in."
"I'm glad to hear they're doing well" the doctor smiled, "and with a little time and the right help you'll be doing just fine too."
Shelby was terrified about meeting with Mira, she was convinced the second she told her she'd stepped into the path of a speeding car she'd be admitted to the hospital and her children would be taken away, "you must be Shelby" a dark haired woman just a little older than herself smiled warmly as she entered the room, her hand outstretched for Shelby to shake, "I'm Mira, come in and take a seat."
Shelby shook the offered hand, "where would you like me to sit?" She looked at the various seating options.
"Wherever you like, wherever you'd feel most comfortable." There was a stereotypical therapists couch, two chairs either side of a desk and a a floral sofa by the door, but Shelby settled herself in a soft leather arm chair facing out of the window, "do you mind if I sit here?" Mira asked gesturing to the second leather chair opposite Shelby and slightly to the left so it wasn't blocking Shelby's view of the gardens. Shelby shook her head and Mira sat down, "some clients find it easier to talk if we can't make eye contact." Mira explained, "if you want to move, or if you'd like me to move at any point in the session then feel free." Shelby nodded again. "So" Mira flipped open her note book, "you've got 4 week old twins?"
"Yeah" Shelby said quietly, "Annie and Nate."
"And two older children?"
"Rachel and Beth."
Mira smiled and nodded, "do you want to tell me about them?"
Shelby shrugged, "what do you want to know?"
"Anything, what do you want to tell me?"
"Rachel, she's my eldest, I was a surrogate for two gay men, her fathers, I signed a contract that I wouldn't contact her until she turned 18 unless she came to me. I tricked her into contacting me and then decided she didn't really need a mother and I left. We only really started to build our relationship once she'd graduated. She had the lead in a Broadway play but she told me yesterday she'd quit to spend more time in Lima to help me out. Beth, she's, she's so cheeky and full of life." Shelby felt her eyes fill with tears and Mira was quick to pass her a box of tissues, "she sees the best in everything. I adopted her, my partner Noah, fathered her when he was 16, but her biological mother didn't feel able to bring her up so I adopted her. I was hurting after things didn't go to plan with Rachel and I thought having a baby to make a clean start with would help. I guess it did in a way but not as much as I hoped. But if it wasn't for Beth I'm almost certain I wouldn't be in a relationship with Noah right now, and it was Noah that helped Rachel and I bond, so had I not adopted Beth I wouldn't have Noah or Rachel and if I didn't have Noah I wouldn't have Annie and Nate."
Mira nodded and scribbled something in her notebook, "Dr Stevens told me about something you'd told him. Something that happened yesterday, can you tell me about that?"
Shelby sighed, she'd known it was coming but she still didn't know how to answer, "I, I don't know. I was at home and I just felt like they'd all be better without me. I didn't go out with the intention to end my life" she clarified, "I needed some air, I felt like I was suffocating in the house, so I went out, but then I saw the car and, I don't know, I just stepped out into the road."
"Okay. And are you still feeling suicidal?"
Shelby shook her head, "no. I couldn't, I couldn't do it to my children, Beth came looking for me this morning, it was 4am and she was looking for me because she missed me and she wanted to cuddle. I hurt Rachel by walking away when she was 16, I couldn't hurt her again and I couldn't break Beth's heart. It doesn't matter how I feel, all that matters is that my babies are happy. I won't be the one to take that happiness away from them."
"It's good that you have a reason to fight this" Mira nodded, "but you're wrong when you say that how you feel doesn't matter because it does. How do you think your children would feel if they knew you were hurting yourself, mentally or physically, just to make them happy?"
"Beth wants everyone to be happy, and Rachel, she's, I don't know, she's amazing, she's a beautiful young woman. I hate that I missed out on so much of her life, I hate that I've got 4 amazing, beautiful children, but since the twins have been born, all I've wanted is to be Rachel."
Mira smiled sadly, "do you think having Annie and Nate has reminded you what you missed with Rachel?"
Shelby shook her head, "I didn't, I don't need reminding. I remember every day."
Shelby and Mira spoke about Shelby's family and her conflicting feelings for almost an hour, "I think some level of confusion is to be expected" Mira announced, "in a way this is your first experience of becoming a mother, I mean, when you had Rachel, your body was able to recover from the birth in it's own time without the demands of a newborn, when you had Beth, you had the demands of a new baby but you didn't have the physical stresses of giving birth to get over, your hormones weren't doing crazy things, you were able to focus everything on Beth, but now your body is telling you to take time for yourself to recover but your heart wants you to throw everything into being a Mommy."
Shelby shook her head, "I'm not a Mommy, I'm a Momma" she corrected, "Beth's never called me Mommy, I've always been Momma, and sometimes when she's spent a lot of time with Rachel I'm just Mom."
"I'll make a note" Mira smiled, "but for what it's worth, I think you're an amazing Momma. I do think Dr Stevens was right when he diagnosed postnatal depression, so I'm going to prescribe you a mild anti depressant, you need to take one a day, first thing in the morning. I'm also going to schedule you in some more appointments. Obviously we'll have some one to one appointments, but I think it would be beneficial for us to schedule some appointments for you to attend with Noah and some for you and Rachel. This is nothing to be ashamed of, it takes a lot of strength and courage to seek out help. You're not a lost cause, a bad mother, a failure, or any of the other things you might be thinking you are. You're a new Momma. It's okay to be confused or scared."
Shelby nodded, "how often will I be seeing you?"
"That's up to you" Mira smiled again, "it depends how you want to do your sessions with Noah and Rachel, I'd like to see you for an hour a week to begin with, then we can decide after a couple of weeks if we need to make them more or less often. We can either schedule in an extra session each week for Rachel or Noah, or we can make your sessions one and a half hours long and ask them to sit in for the first or last half an hour."
"I think two separate appointments would be best."
"Okay" Mira stood from the arm chair and walked over to her desk, "lets see when we can fit you in."
Shelby sighed as she stepped into the corridor, she'd only been in there for a little over an hour but she already felt so much better, her heart felt lighter and her head higher, all for sharing things with someone. It had been years since she'd last had a therapy session and she already regretted leaving it this long. All she had to do now was talk to Noah, and that was the conversation she feared the most.
