I Well, I hope you guys love this chapter…Just so you now I own none of these character, but I do the story. I don't own the song used in this chapter and I happened to change a few words in it, but it is an awesome song and fit the story so well, I just couldn't, not use it! if you want to hear it you tube it, Kellie Pickler "I Wonder"….much love and enjoy!
Chapter. 28 I Wonder….With quotes.
Jake and I left to the airport this morning, in a kind of foggy bliss. I like to think we both gained a lot from his time in California, but the truth is, he saved me. He swooped down and rescued me like some supernatural being, and I would be forever grateful. It wasn't that, I wasn't grateful for Jasper and Alice though, but without him I would have never listened to anything they had to say.
Last night I finally felt like myself again. I wasn't trying to impress anyone, I wasn't trying to hide my accent, I was just being me; Bella. And to tell you the truth I like feeling like Bella again! The sweet moment in the back of my truck, I had shared with Jake, cemented me. I finally remembered who I truly was after all this time. I remembered who I was, not just to myself, but to my loved ones. I finally remembered what it was like to be Bella, just Bella. The person who had changed a silly, city girl into one, that liked country music and dancing in the bed of trucks. I was the person that could hold my own with Emmett, my Emmi-bear, man do I love him, and I am truly happy that he is happy. I was the person that had chipped away, enough of the surface of an ice queen, to realize, she was only protecting herself; and that what lay beneath the surface, was well worth the work. I was the person that loved making people laugh with my jokes, and silly antics, and my amazing abilities to make a curly haired blonde, southern gentleman blush. I was Bella, Jake's best friend, the jelly to his peanut butter, the girl he had known his whole life, the person he loved, even if it was only from afar. I was the person who cherished that love, even though I could never reciprocate it's depth and destination. I was me, the girl who knew what she wanted out of life, and where she was headed…..Finally.
I was a girl who, wanted to love someone the way Jake had loved me, and I knew who that person was, and in turn, knew that, that person was in love with me; already. And that person happened to be the biggest movie star in Hollywood; he was a person I was just lucky enough to meet, let alone fall in love with, and have it reciprocated. I was the girl that thousands if not millions of girls/women wished they were, because I had his love. But I was also a person who jumped to quickly to conclusions, and would end up with my foot in my mouth. And that is why, I was also the girl who knew I had to apologize and hope that, that person would understand, and still want me.
Yes, I already knew he was in love with me, and that he blamed only himself, but if I would have only listened to him, things would be so much better. Why, would he even want someone who always jumps the gun, like I usually do? I am unsure, but I am currently kicking myself in the ass for it. It isn't really the past that I am beating myself up for though, it is the future. A future that would never be exactly what it could have been, because I was too self absorbed and insecure, to stop and listen. I know that future is gone, and no matter what I could do or say, it will never be what it should have been. But I hope, that with time and trust, it just might resemble it.
I knew I was headed in a new direction in my life, and that with the love and support of my friends and family, I would be ok. I knew I wanted to know my mother, even if it was knowing her only as a friend. I knew that it had been way too long since I had been home, and that I couldn't wait til thanksgiving. I knew that almost everyone was dying to talk to me about something "important", but that I just wanted to enjoy the peace I finally was feeling. But first and foremost, I knew most of my continued peace, and future, lay ahead of me in Tennessee; and that I had to get on a damn plane, before anything could be set in motion.
Jake and I flew out of LAX, together, and flew into Dallas Texas. Only to be separated by our next flight. He to Georgia, and I to Tennessee. It wasn't a teary goodbye because we would be seeing each other in a couple of weeks, but it definitely dampened my current peaceful mood.
As I boarded first class to Nashville Tennessee, I came back to reality. Knowing what I needed to do, was much more, different than actually doing it. I was going to have to talk to Anthony eventually, seeing that we would be filming a love story together. And oh Lord! I needed process my feelings on the whole "hey Bella remember me, I am your mom" situation.
As I settled into my seat I began to fidget, like I had smoked a shit load of crack. The bundle of nerves I had been last night, was beginning to make another appearance. The fat man across the isle, looked over at me in annoyance; I stopped immediately. What it's not like I have a bomb or something! Maybe your just afraid I might steal all the complimentary peanuts fatso! (I scowled at him)…..be nice Bella it's not his fault your nervous or that his is fat…….it might be his fault he is fat!…..are you really fighting with yourself, over why a stranger is fat? How low you have falling angel, how low you have fallen! I closed my eyes and shook my head a few times, to dispel, the current conversation I was having with myself. It was one thing for others to make fun of me, but for me to berate myself? That shit is just pitiful!
I had no idea what to do for the next hour or so. I began to dig through my carry-on. Gum, my phone, tampons, an old magazine, a fuzzy lifesaver, and my journal. Ah, my new journal. It was identical to Jaspers. I had bought myself one, when I purchased his. I had fallen in love with the beauty of it, and had to have one for myself. I pulled it from my bag, and opened it up and on the first page was a quote by Harvey Fierstein.
"Never be bullied in to silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define your self."
When I had received the journals in the mail, the first thing I did was open them up to see what quote had been printed on the first page. Each handmade journal had a different quote. The first quote I read was by Lane Frost, a professional bull rider that had lost his life, during the prime of his career. It read,
"Don't be afraid to go after what you want to do, and what you want to be. But don't be afraid to be willing to pay the price".
The quote seemed to fit Jasper well; and he had said that Lane Frost was his all time hero. You couldn't imagine the giddiness that seared through my body when I realized just how perfect his birthday present was. And I was very impressed with the quote that graced the first page of my journal. When I read the quote by Harvey Fierstein, it struck a cord. I had been bullied into silence, I had allowed myself to become a victim, and I had let someone define my life. But I was turning over a new leaf, and the old Bella was back. I knew that no matter what I decided to write or draw in this fancy little book, it would be from my soul. I grabbed a pen, in excitement, but that quickly dissipated. What the fuck am I going to write? Draw? Doodle?…….man I love this journal! I'm glad I bought Jasper one…ah, Jasper, who knew he was so talented?….maybe I should…no,…..yeah maybe I should write about her…..
I began to write about her, and about me and about my childhood. I would write a few words and then scratch them off. My first verse started off hateful, and I knew that it was wrong. The second was whiney, and I knew it was wrong. Finally I took a deep breath and tried to think about my true feelings. Not my feelings of anger or hate, my feelings of abandonment. But how I really felt about missing out on having a mother, and what I would want to say to her. The words and verses began to pour from my soul…
Sometimes I think about you
Wonder if you're out there somewhere thinking 'bout me
And would you even recognize
The woman that your little girl has grown up to be
'Cause I look in the mirror and all I see
Are your brown eyes looking back at me
They're the only thing you ever gave to me at all
Oh I hear the weather's nice in California
There's sunny skies, as far as I can see
If you ever come back home to Georgia
I wonder what you'd say to me
I think about how it aint fair
That you weren't there to braid my hair like mothers do
You weren't around to cheer me on
Help me dress for my high school prom
Like mothers do
Did you think I didn't need you here?
To hold my hand, to dry my tears?
Did you even miss me through the years at all?
Oh I hear the weather's nice in California
There's sunny skies, as far as I can see
If you ever come back home to Georgia
I wonder what you'd say to me
Forgiveness is such a simple word
But it's so hard to do when you've been hurt
Oh I hear the weather's nice in California
And just in case your wondering about me…
From now on I won't be in Georgia,
Your little girl is off, your little girl is off
Your little girl is off to Tennessee.
I finished the last verse as the plane landed. My heart soared as I re-read the song I had just written. I said everything, I have ever wanted to say, every sentiment I wanted her to feel. I no longer felt that emptiness that I had struggled with my whole life. I had done something I thought I never could have done. I had come to terms with my mother abandoning me. I was by no means over it, but I had finally rid myself of the hate, and anger. Because hate and anger was only a defense mechanism, the real emotion beneath them, was hurt. I had been hurt that my mother left me, that she hadn't wanted me, that I had missed out on all the things, mother's and daughters do. And with these words, she would finally know that. So in time it took to fly from Texas, to Tennessee, I had "fixed" one of the two big problems I had, weighing me down. When I finally would be ready to sing it to her, I knew that she would know everything I would ever want her to know. And that we weren't going to have to have, one of those insufferably long talks, where I would be left hoping I said everything I ever wanted to say, and knowing I hadn't.
The stewardess voice rang out through an intercom, signaling that it was time to disembark the plane. So the passengers began un-loading, and I with them. I stepped off the plane and headed towards, baggage claim. As I walked I ran through a mental list. Get my bags, hail a cab, I am headed to the Hermitage Hotel at 231 sixth avenue north, I need to call Alice and Jasper, and then call Jake, oh and don't forget to call Esme.
Once had arrived in the most crowed baggage claim area known to man, I stood there waiting for my familiar, black suit cases. The fancy one's that Alice forced me to buy, because, apparently only college stoners would approve of my old luggage, but whatever. I spotted my luggage creeping down the belt, coming towards me. I stepped forward, trying to fit in between two obnoxiously rude people. Once I finally muttered something about "fucking pricks, and if you don't move your ass, I'll move it for you', they finally moved enough for me to slip between them and retrieve my luggage.
I stacked the two large suit-cases on top of each other, and followed the signs towards and exit. I began feeling quite sick and woozy, with every step I took. I was here in Tennessee, and would be seeing Anthony tomorrow during fittings and the readings. I had no idea how to began a conversation with Anthony, on how much of an ass I was; but I knew that it was coming soon. I began carrying on pretend conversations in my head, hoping to figure out what I would say, with out sounding like a bumbling idiot. Hey how have you been? Oh I been great….So yeah, I called you gay and I refused to listen to you, and I acted like a total drama queen, so……nope, that sucked!….Hey there Buddy! Sorry about the whole-….Baby Jesus, please don't allow me to sound as ignorant as that ever again! Thank you and Amen!…..uh, Anthony, I can't even think straight when I am around you, or even hear your name, nothing exists except for those amazing emerald eyes, and that smile that makes me horny……nope! Can't say that, no matter how true, it's kinda purvey!….SHIT!……Uh, Anthony, I am sorry for everything, I should have listened to you when you called……no too pathetic!……So about that gay thing…..Lord help me!
As I spotted the front doors, in all there glass enclosed glory, and my heart sunk. How would he ever forgive me, why would he ever want me? I was too much drama, and too stubborn for someone like him, to invest any more time. And I was sure that I had totally destroyed our working chemistry, it would never be as unguarded and passionate again. I had placed both of our careers on the line, if I was him I would hate me. But, I had to come to terms with it, had to be strong. I started repeating my new life motto in my head. "Never be bullied in to silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define your self". I just needed to be myself, be proud of who I was, and hope that he would at least be my BFF again, or at least some kind of friend. I started to rap the quote to "Gangsters Paradise" (because I truly am that weird and eccentric in a disturbing way), when a pair of Piercing green eyes, stopped me dead in my tracks. Anthony? Holy shit!
There he was in a pair of dark wash jeans, a long sleeved dark blue shirt rolled up to his elbow, leaning against a column, looking as sexy and fuckable as ever. Did I just say Fuckable? Dear Baby Jesus, please for give me for my horniness, I disgust even myself, Amen! I stopped dead in my tracks as he pushed from the column and began to saunter towards me. First time that I saw your eyes, boy you looked right through me, play it cool but I knew you knew, that cupid hit me…You got me trippin, stumblin. Flippin, fumbling, clumsy cuz I am falling in love…..
"Bella?" He looked so sad
"Can't help it , the girl can't help it…huh, oh sorry I was zoning out, uh, Anthony…wh-what are you doing here?" I stammered out. He began to fidget with his car keys.
"Well, I……I…I kinda thought you might need a ride" His eyes pleaded.
"I was just going to catch a cab" WHAT! Are you stupid! He is here to offer you a ride and you say that? Lord, please forgive this abomination! That's it even I DISOWN you ate this point!
"Oh well….I just….ummmm really?" The emotions danced across his face, from annoyed, to sad, to amused?
"Uh, yeah, But I would love a ride from you……your car….ugh! I would appreciate a lift to the hotel" I said blushing scarlet.
"Here let me get your luggage" He said as brushed against me grabbing the luggage cart.
"Thanks" I said quietly.
"No problem" I couldn't see his face but I did see his left cheek bone rise, signaling he was smiling.
I followed out to the parking garages, and to his rental car. He loaded my luggage into the truck and then opened the passenger side door for me.
"Thanks" I said as I slid into the seat. He ran around and hopped into the drivers seat.
"So I guess we both are staying at the Hermitage Hotel?" He questioned as he pulled out of the parking spot.
"Yeah, I guess so….at least that is what I was told….I am supposed to be already checked in Alice said that I would get my key from the concierge?" I wasn't really sure about all this. I was a simple country girl, and other than staying at fancy places with Esme, for the last five years; I had never actually checked in or stayed at a hotel.
"Here…..this is your key" He said as he handed me a black card.
"Uh, not to sound stupid or anything, but why do you have my key?"
"Well I told the concierge that I was going to pick you up from the airport…..so…"
"So they just gave you a key to my room. What if my plane would have been late or extremely early….I would have been without a key" I asked incuriously, and in a flat tone.
"Uh….well…I got there at twelve so….."
"You mean to tell me that you have been waiting for me, leaned up against a column for……six hours?"
"Uh…..no, not exactly" He said sheepishly.
"Okay….care to explain?"
"Well I actually spent an hour an a half walking back on forth from my car to that pillar……so more like four and half hours….minus a few star bucks and bathroom breaks" He scoffed at himself, clearly hearing for once how crazy it sounded out loud.
"Why would you do that Anthony"
"What do you mean Isabella?" He sounded irritated
" I mean….I am a horrible ass, and so disturbingly crazy, why in the hell would you want to pick me up at the airport, let alone see or hear me at all?"
"You aren't a horrible ass….and I spent my entire day waiting for you at an airport, with your room key in my pocket, having no idea when you would get in….now who is disturbingly crazy?"
"I see your point" I laughed.
"Look….you have absolutely nothing to apologize for, I created that disaster, and only am I responsible for messing this up" he motioned between us.
I was shocked by his words, I mean, I was told he still loved me. Hell, he had said it to me before he left, many times, but I didn't think he still did. There was no way I would still even like me, let alone love me at this point.
"Will you ever forgive me Bella?….I mean, I know I should have called you and told you what was going to happen, but I was too…self absorbed! DAMNIT I should have protected you better!" He was so upset with himself. I could hear the desperation and self hatred in his voice and he kept hitting the steering wheel with his right hand in frustration.
"I called you gay" I said meekly, as I hung my head down in shame. He stopped hitting the steering wheel, and silence fill the car.
"No you actually sang it….(laugh)….but it doesn't matter Bella…-" He stopped talking as we pulled up to the hotel, and the valet opened our doors.
"It does matter Anthony….it matters a lot!" I said in a hushed voice, as he walked over to me and offered me his arm, and I cautiously took it.
"No it doesn't……the luggage in the trunk goes up to her suite" He said the first part quietly into my ear, giving me chills, that went straight to my happy place. The latter to the valet as he handed him a tip. Then he walked me in to the magnificent hotel. I gasped at it's beauty. The stylish lobby, and golden tones, were breathtaking. We continued walking until we reached a smiling, well dressed woman.
"Hello Miss Swan, and Mr. Masen, welcome to the Hermitage! We have secured our best secluded table for your dinning experience, here at The Capitol Grille, highest in quality in Nashville fine dinning." An infectious smile broke over her face as I nodded and smiled back.
"Well led the way, but only if they serve steak…..uh…I'm sorry I don't believe you told us your name" I said sweetly. She seemed startled, at first, and unsure.
"Oh come on sweetheart, I would like to know what name I should use when asked about the staff…." I winked at her.
"Angela, Miss Swan, my name is Angela, and…..thank you for asking" She was still a little nervous.
"Just because this place is fancy, and he (I pointed at Anthony), is here, does not mean I am one of those stuffy, jerks, who can't see pass my own nose. I have always found it easier to talk to someone when I know there name" I smiled again as Anthony squeezed my arm.
"And say hello to Angela, Anthony, don't be an ass" I laughed as she presented us with our table.
"Hello Angela, sorry about her, she a little rough around the edges, but there is a little lady in there somewhere" He laughed at his own joke as I slapped his arm.
"If its not to forward, I appreciate her "roughness" as you call it, it's refreshing. I have worked her for years, and not once has any of our….shall I say…famous, guests… inquired my name. So thank you Miss Swan" She smiled sweetly as she handed us the menu.
"Bella, please call me Bella, we are going to be here a lot until the middle of January, so you might as well get used to seeing our mugs, and calling us by our first names"
"of course, enjoy your dinner….Bella and….Anthony" She was still a little nervous as she gave one last smile, and left.
"Scare the poor girl why don't you" Anthony laughed.
"Yeah, like it was me who scared her….she probably was just trying to string together words into sentences that were coherent in the amazing presence that is Anthony Masen, everyone's fantasy vampire" I scoffed.
"Can we order now?" He questioned amused, with an eyebrow raised. As the waiter came to the table.
"Yes" I said sternly, in annoyance.
"Hello, my name is Eric, and I will be your server for tonight. Have you decided or would you like to hear the chief's choice?"
" I would love the prime rib, medium rare, please….with a Coors light please" I sang sweetly.
"Umm, Coors light?…my I suggest one of our imported beers"
"Eww, no thanks….tea would be fine, thank you" I cringed at the thought of imported beer. Anthony clearly found my ordering funny because he was trying not to laugh.
"And you sir?"
"The same please" he said quickly.
"Alright I will be right back with your drinks" And with that Eric walked away.
"What's so funny Masen?"
"Nothing" He said, trying to mask a snort.
"Yeah?" God he could be so annoying.
"Well, its just that you are enjoying your new found, personal freedom, a bit much don't you think?"
"No, I do not think that at all. I am simply being myself. So if you think it was tacky to carry on a conversation with Angela, or order Coors Light, you can fuck yourself. Anyway, I am done trying to be someone or something I am not, so I don't have enough etiquette for you I really don't care" I said defensively in a hushed tone.
"I am not trying to start a fight with you" He said as he reached over the table for my hand.
"You can't seriously believe that we are going to just go back to the way things used to be, do you?" I said eying his hand.
"I would like it very much" He smiled sadly as his hand retreated to his lap. As Eric appeared at the table with food and our drinks. We both thanked him, he smiled and walked away.
"And I would like world peace, or to eat nothing but chocolate…..but some things don't work for a reason" I said quietly.
"And what reason would be so detrimental, to us going back to the way things were?" He whispered.
"I sang that you were Gay, to a paparazzi's camera, while clinging to a crazy man's back, Anthony…I made myself and you look foolish, we can't forget that happened" I said sadly.
"I have already forgot about it" He said defiantly.
"Your just saying that"
"NO I mean it"
"Ok, but, why? And what exactly were we anyway…I love you, you love me, but…..publicity, secrets….God!…..and you know you tried to tell me what was going on but then I refuse to speak to you at all! I jumped to conclusions way to quickly without thinking, because I have trust issues, and disgustingly insecure….which I just realized; like TODAY…..Anthony I ruined us….We will never be the same, whatever that was…..and….god!….please forgive me?" I pleaded, while hitting my forehead with my palm,, feeling like a totally idiot.
"Stop, just stop…Forgive you? You have to be joking! There is nothing to forgive. Yes you may have acted rash, but anyone would have. When it comes down to it, it was my fault, all of it. I did exactly what Emmett was afraid I would do, and what we were? NO What we ARE Bella…what we are, are two people who love each other, or at least I still love you, and I have missed you, and to label you as my "girlfriend" would be blasphemy! You are the love my life, the person I have waited my whole life for, you are my everything, whether you like it or not, and-" I cut him off.
"Emmett?"
"Yes, Emmett, he never wanted us to be together, because he knew what a self-absorbed ass I was. He knew that I was to weak, and too stupid to say no to Mary, and he knew I would always put my career before anything or anyone else, he threatened to kick my ass, many times, just so I would leave you be……but-" I just sat there, listening.
"But what?"
"But I swear to you Bella, with all my heart and soul! I am not the same man I used to be!"
"Meaning?" Am I annoying you? Cuz, I am annoying myself…..SHUT UP BELLA! Just let him speak and stop questioning him! For the sake of all that's holy, you have opened that mouth too many times, shut up, he wants you, all of you, just shut up and kiss him or something; just stop asking questions!
"Meaning, I lost someone who meant everything to me, because I was stupid. I will never make the same mistake again. If you will have me…."
"If I'll have you?"
"I am so madly in love with you Bella, you have to know that! isn't it obvious?! I mean, I have given you some space, because I knew you needed it, but I have been barely able to function with out you being a permanent fixture in my life! It was pure torture being away from you all this time…….Bella you are in all my thoughts, in my dreams, on the tip of my tongue every time I start to speak….." Don't do it Bella, just shut up! Stop yourself, don't be insecure, and have to explain and pick apart everything! He won't leave you, he won't break your heart, Just accept that he loves you!…..Damn it…(internally shakes head)
"Anthony, we barely know each other, we fell to fast….how would this even work? How Anthony? How?" I was trying to back track this conversation. I didn't want to believe his words, because if I believed in them again, and he ever left me, I wouldn't be able to handle it. My world had fallen apart when I thought I had lost him. I had never been that kinda girl before. You know, the one that had to have a man in her life, for her life to have purpose. I always thought myself above that, but, not now. Not with the knowledge of what being in love can do to a person. I have needed him to feel whole again, I needed him to breathe fully. His face has haunted my dreams, his name was always on the tip of my tongue. But how would we ever get pass what happened? How?
"He who has a why to live, can bear almost any how" He said in such a breathtakingly loving and sweet voice. If I had been standing, I would have collapsed. My heart did somersaults as he spoke those words. No one, not even Jake had touched me so deeply with only twelve words. He was saying that I was his "why".
"Friedrich Nietzsche? Really" I choked out, trying to find my voice.
"Those words, never made sense to me until you Bella" Dear Baby Jesus, I would first like to thank you for HIM, secondly I would like to thank you for that! And thirdly, please forgive me for the porn that is currently running through my head, involving no clothes and the table I am currently sitting at, thank you and AMEN.
"I-I-I Do-don't know what to say" I stammered.
"Say that you'll accept me and all my flaws, as I accept you. Say that you will allow the past be the past. All the art of living, lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on…..I am asking you to let go of your fears, and hold onto me?"
"Did you sneak in a book of quotes or something? Henry Ellis would be shocked!" Of course you try to joke at a time like this Bella! Ugh, you disgust me.
"Be serious Bella…don't use humor to mask your true feelings….I know you love me, and can see it, I can feel it….you are my other half, as I am yours"
"I'm not sure…I might need just a little bit of time" my voice shaking. NO YOU DON'T, where is Alice when I need her, can someone please hit me upside the head?
"I would wait a lifetime for you Bella, For it was not into my ear you whispered, but in to my heart. It was not my lips you kissed , but my soul…..Judy Garland by the way" He winked.
"If you don't stop with the freaking amazingly romantic quotes, I'll never finish this steak, and you'll be naked" I said blushing.
"That wouldn't be so bad" He whispered. Eat your heart out McHottie! You may have been hot and sexy, but you! Well you aren't him! Purrr!
OK OK OK! Stop cussing me out! I know you want more, but I want more reviews! So what did you think of the whole song thing, what should she do about her mom? Does she have the right idea? How freaking stoked where you when Anthony showed up????? My heart melted! Where you screaming at Bella to "Shut the Fuck up already" like my friend Nellie did? And the best question……what do you think is going to happen next? Sex or more talk? If it's talk what will the rest of the conversation entail? If it's sex what do you think it will be like…..OR just tell me what you want to happen, IN DETAIL people! Maybe just Maybe if I get enough Reviews and enough fucking awesome ones at that, I will post the next chapter tomorrow!
