Disclaimer: Spring break has allowed me to write all day, hence the fast update.
How early is morning? Because it's around eight and I've never been more nervous in my life. The Hob is terrifying when I'm alone, everyone is looking at me like I'm either lost or going to arrest everyone. It's also huge, where am I supposed to find one stinking person!
"Madge?" I snap around hoping to find Gale, but instead a red headed tease smirks back at me. "What on earth has got you up so early? Meeting a hunter, perhaps?"
"Shut up, Darius," I smile. "I've never been here alone before."
"I can tell," he laughs, scooting the chair out from next to him and patting it. "But I was right, wasn't I? Where is that boy?" I feel an involuntary blush rise to my cheeks as I glance out the windows and shrug. "Any reason for the early morning escapade?"
"We got in a fight," I tell him. I mean, why shouldn't I? "And we agreed to meet here this morning, I just don't know when. I hope I'm not too early or something. I don't know when he hunts and gets back and ugh," I throw my head back. "I'm ridiculous; I should have just stayed home."
"Stop that," Darius laughs handing me his cup of coffee. "You're just tired. You even look tired."
"I do?" I start rubbing at my eyes and combing my fingers through my hair. "I haven't seen him in a week and I look tired, this is not going to go well."
"I'm joking! Calm down!" Darius is giddy at watching my meltdown. I just want everything to be perfect. I tossed and turned all night last night trying to think of what I'm going to say and I finally have it all figured out. "So while we're passing time would you please explain to me your relationship so I can further understand it?"
"You'll laugh at me," I mutter, and he just continues to grin. "Stop!" I hit him, and as predicted, he laughs.
"I just think it's strange! The mayor's daughter with the illegal hunter boy from the Seam."
"Shouldn't matter," I snap at him. "Whatever, I'm not telling you anything."
"I'm just trying to help," he says softly, but the smile still plays on his lips. "Listen, I know you can't necessarily talk to everyone in the world about this and I find myself a neutral party therefore I'm able to give advice perfectly and be a wonderful listener."
"Well I don't need advice, Darius." Then I sigh, "Right now. I don't need advice right now." He lounges back in the chair and scoops the cup of coffee away from me. He's right, I need another person that can listen to this. Like I've said before, I can't talk to Prim. Rory is out of the question, so is Katniss. Katniss is totally out of the question. And therefore that makes Peeta out of the question. And Jace by association. Bristel is claiming to be neutral but she's known Gale longer so I doubt I can tell her anything either. So I need Darius. He can be the big brother I've always wanted. That would be nice.
"So are you going to tell me or not?" he presses, and then I smirk. "There we go."
Truth be told I've been dying to talk about it, so I just jump right in. The Hob is busy and no one even pays me a second glance when they notice I'm sitting with Darius. He waggles his eyebrows at all the right moments and nudges me with his elbow teasingly. The sun has dragged itself into the sky by the time I get to the fight.
"Do you think I overstepped?" I ask, and he shakes his head. "I was just being honest about how I felt… right?
"Right."
"But then he brought me flowers and it seems like he's really making an effort… maybe I was wrong about…"
"Madge," Darius says suddenly, cutting me off, but I'm on a roll and I keep talking.
"…maybe you were wrong about Katniss too, I mean they are really good friends but…"
"Madge," he says more forceful this time, causing me to finally stop talking.
"What?" I snap. He's got his gaze focused out the window on Gale and Katniss. At first it kind of makes me happy, they're talking like they used to, like friends. But then, out of nowhere… he just… leans in… and he… he…
"Madge," Darius reaches over and grabs my hand, willing me to look away. But it's like a drug… like an accident. When something tragic happens, you can't look away. I can't look away. The way her hand curls up and rests against his chest. The way he leans protectively over her. The way they fit so perfectly together… the way they look like they were made for each other…
"I-I'm going home," I say quickly, finally tearing my eyes from the two. But I can't get myself out of the seat, I'm frozen. I can't even…
"Madge, I'm so sorry…" I'm shaking. I'm frozen. I can't see. I can't breathe. I can't… I can't… "Want me to walk you home?" I'm nodding, and shaking my head, and I don't know. What do I want? What am I doing? "Come on," he lifts my elbow and scoots me out of the chair. "Let's go." Should I be crying? I feel like I should be crying, but I'm not. It's like those dreams again, like I'm paralyzed.
Darius is literally dragging me out because I can't move on my own. It's like I'm in a trance. Like, ha. I am in a trance. It keeps replaying in my head and that's all I see. Their lips against each others. Gale's lips against Katniss'. His. His lips. They're supposed to be mine, supposed to belong to me. Mine. He's supposed to be mine, not hers. And she's supposed to be Peeta's. And I'm supposed to be loved, not her. Why is everything about her?
"I don't wanna go home," I tell him after we've started walking. "I can't go home."
"Where do you want to go, then?" he asks. He's very patient with me. I wonder if he's even off duty. "Hey," he grabs my chin. "Where do you want to go?" He's pulled my chin so I'll look at him but even then I zone out and stare at the trees behind him, searching them as if they'll give me something to tell him. But I don't answer him, because I don't know where I want to go, so then he starts pulling me along again. We make our way to the peacekeepers homes and I know he's taking me to his house.
"You were right," I croak as we walk. He shoves open his door and flickers on the light. I make my way to the couch, shaking my head. "I should've listened to you… I should've…"
"Stop it," he says lightly. I figured Darius would jump all over the opportunity to say I told you so, but he doesn't. Instead he sits next to me and lightly says, "I was wrong."
"Obviously not!" I laugh, but it's not funny, and he knows it's not funny so he doesn't laugh. Hell, I'm going crazy. I just start laughing. Laughing hysterically. I can tell Darius is concerned from his creased eyebrows and tight lips, but I can't stop laughing. And slowly, the laughter fades into short, breathy sobs. Tears burst from my eyes and I bury my face into my hands, collapsing on myself over my knees. "Should've… known…" I choke out. Swallowing is getting harder and harder to do.
When I look back up, tears still blurring my vision, Darius hands me a small white cup. Steam rises from the top of it, and I question as to when he made this. But it's obvious it's been awhile since I've been here and I snatch it from his hand, sipping at it and wiping my eyes with the back of my sleeves.
He says nothing, just watches me, but it doesn't make me uncomfortable. In fact, I barely notice. All I can think about is how Katniss, the spectacular girl on fire, the girl who brought home two Victors, the girl who Peeta and Gale both love, the Mockingjay, doesn't even know what she's doing to me. And we're supposed to be friends. Maybe if she knew she wouldn't have done anything. But then another disastrous thought hits me, Gale kissed her! It wasn't the other way around! He kissed her! And my heart shatters all over again and tears flood down my cheeks.
"It'll be alright," Darius says gently, but that's all he says. I turn to him for more, my face contorted into some odd form, but he says nothing. I sniffle and place my cup down on his glass table. I glanced around for a coaster but didn't see anything.
"Why?" I croak, placing my head in my hands again. "I thought he… he…" my voice is hoarse and doesn't even sound like it belongs to me. But it does, and I feel foreign. "Why would he kiss her?"
"I don't know, Madge." Darius says my name a lot, but I guess that's something I need. To be reassured that he's talking to me, that I'm the one who needs to be listening. "I don't know."
"Am I not good enough?" Instead of answering, he stays quiet. Again. Because he knows whatever he says isn't going to help. "Why am I never good enough? No matter what I do!" My cheeks start to dry but there's still a haze in my vision. Anger, however, is bubbling out of me. "It's not fair!"
"Life isn't fair," he tells me. "But I have faith in you."
"Why?" I snap around to face him. "Why would you have faith in me?"
"Because you're strong," he shrugs. "It's simple. You've been pushed off your pedestal and you're just going to climb it again. It might take you a few days, maybe weeks or months, but you'll be on top again." I wipe at my nose and then retract my glare, staring down at the carpeted floor of his house.
"How do you know?" I mumble quietly.
"Because we're a lot alike, and if I did it then so can you." I look toward him out of the corner of my eye, but I decide to not turn like before. "I was engaged once." Nope, that gets me to turn. I try meeting his eyes but he's pulled a me and is zoning out toward the carpet. "Don't even laugh," he points at me, meeting my eyes with a smile for a moment, but then looks back toward the ground. "She lived in the Capitol, no less."
"Did you love her?"
"I was engaged to her," he says. "I think I loved her." He pauses for a long time, then finally closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, sliding back to lounge on the arm of the couch. "I did something stupid." I know he's not going to tell me what and I know better than to ask. "I always thought I could get away with things. I don't know why. But things were different once I joined the peacekeepers."
"What happened to her?" I ask faintly.
"What do you think?" he replies, just as quietly. "Gone. Just like that. They told me it was a warning. A warning to me. They killed her because I did something stupid. Then they sent me here." He reaches up and rubs at his eyes, then slides his hands through his hair. "I hate this place."
"Me too."
"No," he sits up and his eyes snap open. "Not just District 12. Panem. This whole place. Everywhere I go I'm reminded of what an idiot I am, how one mistake can cause the pain of others."
"Do you think there's any place else? Any place where things are better?"
He scoffs, "I hope so. There's no reason they'd help us, though. Who would?" I rub at my eyes again and he sighs. "So I just kept climbing up that stupid pedestal."
"Are you at the top?"
"Not even close, but I'm climbing. And you're stronger than me, and you're just a teenager."
"I feel pathetic," I whimper, and he leans toward me, his arm trailing around me and pulling me into a hug. "How long does it hurt?"
He pulls me closer, "Changes per person," he says. "Still hurts for me every once in awhile, but not for you. Haven't you been listening? I said you were strong, Madge." That makes me giggle and he lets go. Darius reaches up and wipes under my eye. "You're gonna be fine, alright?"
"I like this Darius," I chuckle, and so does he.
"Yeah, well don't get used to it. Ready to go home yet?" I shake my head no, and then again I'm looking at the floor. You know, this is a nice carpet. It's a nice weave of mostly whites but some pinks and blues… "Well lock the door when you leave, okay? I've gotta go."
"Just like that?" I ask as he stands up, securing his helmet over his head.
He shrugs, "Just like that. Feel free to help yourself to the fridge." And then he's gone. Just like that. And I'm lonely again. His pep talk helped a lot but there's still a lump in my throat. I glance toward the clock and realize it's going to get darker outside soon. With another rub of my eyes I force myself off the couch. There's only one real place I can think of going, and even that pains me.
I can't see the stars tonight; they're muddled by a whole bunch of cloud. The moon, however, peaks through at random intervals. Which is nice. It makes it not so dark, not so lonely. I'm starting to wonder if I should have just gone home, because being here isn't doing me any good. The stupid pond, and the stupid trees, everywhere I look I'm flooded with another stupid memory of him.
"I was wondering if you'd be here," Gale's voice wakes me from my stupor, but I don't hear it at first. I had thought it was my imagination, but upon turning I realize it's him. He smiles a little, and I turn away from him. My eyes are most likely still red rimmed, my cheeks still flushed. "You do know we said Sunday morning, right? And at the Hob no less." I'm not sure if I should answer him, considering that lump in my throat is still there. Of course he'd come check here. Why wouldn't he? He probably thought I forgot completely. He walks over slowly and takes a seat next to me. "Are you still mad at me?"
"I don't know." I answer honestly. Am I mad? I'm more broken. That's not a feeling though, is it? I consider just getting up and leaving, but I know he'd follow me. Demand answers. I wish I had answers myself.
"Did you forget about today?"
"No," I reply quietly. My entire being is shushed. Muted. Submerged in water. It's like I can't process anything. "I was there."
"I didn't see you."
"No," I sigh. "I guess not. You were a little preoccupied." I don't even sound angry, I sound devoid of all emotion. Empty. Pathetic. You're strong, I remind myself. Earlier I told myself if I talked to Gale I wouldn't make a low blow, but it's all I can think of saying. "How's Katniss?"
"Fine," he replies quickly. "I don't know."
"You know, I had this whole speech planned out of things I wanted to say to you. And I forgot it all. Every last word. Forgotten." He readjusts himself next to me and I can feel the tension. I guess it's not a total lie, I can't remember the basis. I only remember simple words like sarcasm, or warmth, or safety. "When you said I was yours, I kind of thought that made you mine too. I guess not." My eyes start filling with tears again but I will them away. I can't cry. I won't cry in front of him.
"You… you saw…" he trails off, and all I can do is nod. "Let me explain," he sputters, but I just shake my head again.
"Nothing to explain, Gale."
"Madge," his voice catches in his throat. "I didn't… I just… we…"
"No, really Gale, you don't have to explain anything."
"I was gonna tell you, I swear I was… I just,"
"Gale!" I snap, and that's where my emotion shows. The raw scratch of my voice. The hidden anger and disappointment. "It's okay."
"Okay?" his voice rises and I have to look away from him. "No, it's not!"
"You did it," I mutter. "Not me. That's the thing, I'd never do that to you." He stays quiet for a really long time, like he's thinking of something to say, but I know he's not. He doesn't know what to say, neither do I.
"I'd say sorry if it meant anything," he mumbles. "But it doesn't."
"Yes it does," I quip, and he sighs. Gale's hands reach up to his face and he does what a lot of people seem to be doing today. Rubbing their eyes. This his hands rake through his hair. "Just not enough."
"I don't know what you want me to say then, Madge. Whatever I say you won't believe me."
"That's not true," I tell him, but it probably is true. I don't even know how I'm still talking to him. All I want to do is go home and cry myself to sleep. Gale once told me that being alone isn't easier, but it is. It so much is. And not because I'm lazy, but because it's less painful. Less heartache. Less expectations.
"So we're over?"
"That's a stupid question," I crack, and he lets out an audible sigh. "You cheated on me." I know he wants to say something, but he can't. Because he doesn't know what. Because he knows that he did. "You cheated on me," I whimper. "I don't even know how I can talk to you right now. All I really want to do is rip your throat out."
"Then do it," he mutters. "I deserve it." So I turn on my spot and lurch to him, my palm connecting with his cheek. The sound of the slap echoes in our little wooded area. Then I start hitting him, and I can't stop.
"You asshole!" I yell, punching his chest again. He doesn't move but instead absorbs the hit. "I hate you! How could you do that to me? I trusted you!" Again, and again, and again, but he just takes every hit. "I trusted you," I repeat with a sob, and then he wraps his arms around me.
"I'm sorry," he says gently. "That's all I can do. Apologize. But you're not going to forgive me so what's the point?"
"You're not even going to fight for me?" I yell, pushing him away. "I fought for you, and you still chose her!"
"I didn't choose her," he says forcefully. "I chose you…"
"Not then!" I cry. "You didn't choose me then, you chose her. In that split second you wanted her more than me! Do you know how much that hurts?" With a huff I push myself away from him even farther and slump over my knees. "It's best this way anyway."
"What is?" he asks, his voice cracking. I can't bring myself to look at him or I'll start crying again.
"Us just breaking up here, now instead of later."
"Why?" I shake my head and push myself to stand. I can't be here anymore. "Madge, why is this better?"
"It just is." My voice wavers and he pushes himself up to follow me.
"Madge,"
"Drop it," I insisted, but he doesn't. I shouldn't have said anything. I shouldn't have said anything!
"No, I want an answer," and now the angry Gale is making his presence known. "Besides one stupid kiss that I regret, why is this best?"
"Because!" I snap.
"That isn't an answer!" Why are we both so mood swingy?
"It's good enough for me,"
"You're not the one getting broken up with!"
"You're not the one that got cheated on!" I hiss. Oh yes, two can play at that game.
"I said I was sorry! How many times do I have to say it for you to fucking understand that I mean it?" Our voices are echoing across the hills and I'm thankful we're not in town. "I'm sorry, Madge! If I could take it back I would, but I can't!" He stumbles toward me and hesitates before deciding not to rest his forehead on mine. I want him to, though. But I don't. But I do. I hate this! "Give me another chance," he pleads.
"We should've ended it awhile ago," I whimper, trying to meet his eyes but I can't. "It would've hurt less."
"Why?" he begs again. "Why should we've ended it?"
"Because I'm dying?" I suggest weakly. His face drops and he starts shaking his head, closing the distance between us. "Because I tested positive on that stupid DNA test…" my eyes are pricking with tears again and I turn away from him. "I should've just told you! Should've ended it when I found out!"
"Madge, don't say that…" his eyes are full of worry, regret, pain…
"I'm sorry," I whimper, and then my feet carry me backward slowly. Now I'm the one shaking my head. "I can't do this anymore. Not to you, not to me. I'm sorry." And then I run, and I know he's not following me. I run wherever my feet take me, and that just happens to be back to Darius' house. I wonder if he's home yet but the light in his living room makes me think he is. I pound on the door and he opens it moments later, his boyish red hair messy on his head.
And then I let out another sob, and I collapse against him. And he doesn't say anything, only welcomes me into his house. After depositing me on the couch and offering me a box of tissues, he disappears into his kitchen for awhile. He returns with a cup of tea and a blanket.
"Called your dad," he says, slumping into the armchair across the room. "He said it was fine if you wanted to stay here tonight."
"What'd you tell him?" I ask through a sniffle. Hopefully not the truth.
"Well not the truth," he answers. Good Darius. "Something about a panic attack involving your aunt."
"Good one," I mutter. Those aren't entirely rare. A couple times a year I go through bouts of anxiety.
"Just because I didn't tell him the truth doesn't mean I don't want the truth," he says. And then I explode with the truth. Because the truth is the best. The truth is the only thing we have to hold on to anymore. I tell him about the sickness too, the way my brain is rotting in my skull and there's nothing I can do to stop it. The way my heart has less beats in it than everyone else's. He just sits in the armchair and watches me. He's a good listener. But them my mouth goes numb and my brain gets muddled and I trail off in the middle of a sentence without picking it up again because I have nothing left to say. So he picks up for me.
He talks. He talks about the girl he was engaged to. Her name was Cecilia. He told me she was fairly normal for living in the Capitol. Had brown hair with blue tips. Liked wearing solid mute colors instead of neon ones. Never altered her face or her skin. He talks until I sink into oblivion. A dreamless, numb oblivion.
A/N: Revised a few times and wasn't sure how I liked it. Forever loving older brother Darius. I don't know, I just have a lot of emotions for this chapter. Lots of emotions. And heartache. For both Gale and Madge. And Darius. And maybe a little for Katniss. I don't know, tell me what you liked... or didn't like. Another chapter soon.
