Well, I'm back! Before we kick off with the final story arc, I need to recitify something. In Meta's Wonderful Failure, Giygas stole my binder and figured out that the Wind Waker's unvierse's secret was in Forsaken Fortress. Apparently, I forgot about this plot point because not only was everyone clueless about it's location, but the location itself changed. There can only be one reasonable answer.
I changed the location. :D
What! You can't do that!
Yes I can, I'm the author, Giygas. Everything in that stupid binder's subject to final change!
I hate you.
I know you do. Well, let's get back to the story! And to those wondering, yes, Giygas stealing the binder is still a plot point. Giygas is still scheming something after all, but I can't put my finger on it... Please enjoy and review, because your reviews make my day (hint hint)!
Chapter 27: Beginning of the End
Alternate Chapter Name: The One Where Stuff Happens
"Welcome to the Great Fairy Fountain, how can I... oh... OH DEAR!" The Great Fairy was shocked when Link descended from the ceiling, sporting only one arm. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine..." dismissed Link.
"Well... normal fairies can't heal missing limbs... but I think I could regenerate it for you..." The Great Fairy approached Link, stretching out her arm. A light started to form where Link's other arm used to be and flesh and bone started to grow, forming a completely new arm. Link celebrated by clapping his hands together like an excited child.
"I seriously did not know you guys could do that!" giggled Link. Suddenly, he stopped giggling, instead, showing a more business-like look. "Thank you for that, but that's not why I'm here. I'm here about the Dimensional Secret."
"Another guy? ...Can I trust you?" asked the Great Fairy.
Link showed his arm, which had his Triforce of Courage brand. "You can trust me. I'm the Hero of Time."
Roy and Jeff were in a cozy rec room, reading several journals. These journals were actually the journals of their comrades. Since they were not busy directing minions to build stuff and Giygas never promised privacy rights for any of them, they decided to pass the time by reading them.
hi journal ridley here. my writing skills improved since last time because im not mispelling stuff yay! so several days ago the boss guy told me to get this journal from the dumb authors room. i dont know why he wanted it so bad. and after that he returned it! maybe he learned something that will help us actually succeed in taking over the dimension since well not likely win? i dont know what he could do though. we cant tamper with the story and we cant murder the author so what. eurgh thinking over this is hard. i know. lets think of coffee. yes coffee is nice. oh no. oh no! the coffee burns aargh! i really dont know why i wrote that down. just felt like it. oh whatever i heard giygas is throwing us a party soon so i gotta get going. note to self work on capitalization and more punctuation. i want to be a sophisticated dino dragon thing. also note to self research what i actually am because i forgot and i think i forgot because a space pirate dropped me on the head when i was a baby or something.
No matter what I do, everyone thinks I'm a loser. I'm royalty damn it! Maybe I should desert while I'm at it. Bowser sort of treated me better. Then again, they'll probably kill me on the spot. ...Hold the phone I'm a ghost, I could totally survive that! But what if Giygas really did have the power to eat people's souls? If so, I'm screwed. I guess I'm staying with these jerks. Oh hey Survivor is coming on I have to go.
Today I went to the psychologist and was diagnosed to have been born with a sadistic personality disorder. He theorized that either my parents left me to live on my own out of fear or they too were sadists and didn't really care much for me. All standard fare. Then, the guy actually had the nerve to suggest that my constant torture on Lucas is a sign of affection. I'm tired of people suggesting that we are in love, so, I gouged out his eyes and watched him bleed to death slowly. Yes, I certainly did get my kicks off of that.
THE FABULOUS LIFE AND TIMES OF LORD VAATI
Before Giygas stole the information from me, I could recall something about seven untold riddles, all of whom lie in each secret you get. That's like, great and junk. We don't have to run around and collect the secrets, we sort of already get it. What we're going to do with them though is beyond me...
So, like, we're heading to the Great Sea. I went back to my universe briefly to do some recruiting, but I didn't look for much. My great charisma can certainly whoo people over, but, I still need at least one tough guy to pressure people. Then, this Darknut signed himself up! Yes, with this Darknut, anything's possible! They are unbeatable... then again, he could drown by falling into the ocean and being weighed down by his armor, but what are the chances of that happening, like, totally? Anyway, got to go. I need to replace my hat after that little adventure with King Boo. Ugh, he's so annoying.
Thanks to Giygas, I am making so much money! Of course, they are all in foregin currencies, but Giygas plans on uniting the universes, making some sort of stock exchange type deal. Bwhahaha! I, Tom Nook, shall become the richest person in the world! I will stomp all over those jerks at Wal-Mart (with that weird girl who wants to destroy it for some bizarre reason) and become EMPEROR OF SALES! Stores will bow down to me as I buy them out! Capitalism, ho! ...Wow, the craziness here is starting to rub off on me. Maybe I need some pills...
After this drunken, murderous incident, I recalled my old days of being friends with Ness. Sure, we were dicks to each other, but we still had fun. I just got off the phone to tell the Pig Masks to treat Ness as a friend rather than a prisoner. Maybe he'll turn to our side when he sees Jeff on our side. Is Jeff even his friend? Whatevs. Now then, to wait for someone to pick me off this floor. Spider legs aren't working. I think the alcohol did something to them?
PS. Why is my journal in this room and in easy reaching distance?
MEWTWO LOG
I'm curious to know what Giygas is planning. I've been with the Smashers, and I know they're definitely strong enough to win, as much as I hate them (especially Lucario). However, knowing him, he must have an ace up his sleeve. So anyw-
"What are you guys doing." said Mewtwo in a cold voice. Roy and Jeff turned around and dropped their books in complete shock, as their comrades were gathered around the door, looking very angry.
"Oh. Hey you guys. We're just... um... Roy, help me out here." whispered Jeff.
"...Oh right! We're here to burn your diaries for you!" Roy pulled out his sword and slashed the diaries, setting them ablaze. He looked proud for himself. "No thanks are necessar-"
Horrible, horrible screaming rung for miles. Giygas was curious about what was going on, but he was too busy preparing for his victory to care.
"YOU DID WHAT!" yelled Pikachu.
"I'm sorry, but he was the Hero of Time! I didn't know he turned evil!" defended the Great Fairy. Fox, Pit, Snake, and Jigglypuff were trying their hardest to keep Pikachu down (which was hard since Pikachu kept shocking them) while Meta Knight, Samus, and Young Link repeatedly apologized to the Great Fairy for his behavior.
"We don't blame you. We thought he was on our side too." said Samus in a bitter voice.
"I DON'T FORGIVE HER! THOSE ASSHOLES MIGHT ACTUALLY WIN THIS THING AND-" yelled Pikachu, but his yelling was immediately overshadowed by Falco's yelling.
"Hey can you fix my eyes? Seriously, I hate not seeing." demanded Falco.
"Oh, your eyes? Easy." the Great Fairy made a scissors gesture with her hand and poked Falco in his eyes. He yelped in pain, but then, he opened his eyes..
"Holy crap! I can see again!"
"Good for you Falco!" chirped Jigglypuff.
"Now we can fly together again! That is, if my Arwing didn't crash..." said Fox.
"I'm glad for you." said Samus.
"The colors! Everything looks so colo- ARGH! THE LIGHT! IT BURNS!" screamed Falco, the light being too much for him to take in. He writhed on the floor, crying. Yep, Fox gets injured all the time and now Falco. It must run in the StarFox team.
"Yes! Everything is okay now!" cheered Pit. He was thrown backward when Pikachu angrily shocked him.
"Like hell it is! Giygas probably already has an army to reach the center of the dimension, while all we are is... is..." said Pikachu.
"A bunch of crazy idiots?" suggested Snake.
"That hurts, but it's exactly what I was looking for."
"Don't worry, we'll find a way to rally some Smashers to our cause." said Meta Knight.
"How? It's not as if we have a psychic or something!" yelled Pikachu.
"...We'll find a way..."
After everyone was done beating up Roy and Jeff, they went outside to marvel at what Smash Castle and New Pork City was transformed into. The two were more or elss combined, with a giant metal hull wrapped around it with New Pork City's jets positioned in the back like a spaceship. Many of the New Pork City buildings had turrets on them and the Empire Pork building was severely shortened, turned into a command deck. Smash Castle was a little less impressive, but there were lots of weapons armed and dangerous. This thing could take down a space whale. No, an entire flock of space whales. And what a goddamn shame that there's no such thing as space whales.
"Impressive, is it not?" Giygas questioned the others as he descended from the sky toward them.
"It's kick-ass!"
"Awesome!"
"Will we be hunting space whales with this?"
"Are you sure this thing is safe?"
"Yes, it's safe. Relatively. I've told Jeff and the Pig Mask and Starmen scientists to draw up a plan that won't backfire spectacularly. The rates of this thing blowing up is 5%, but that's something we can work with. The weapons are also tested. Just don't throw yourself in front of those frying lasers, or you will die. I will not be held accountable because you died being an idiot." said Giygas. He looked around a bit. "Where is Jeff and Roy anyway?"
Tom Nook's voice was heard in the distance. "FORE!" A brutally battered Roy and Jeff joined the scene, crashing into the ground, as if someone hit them with a golf club. Replace the club with a broom and that's precisely what happened.
"...Boss, they beat us up..." moaned Roy.
"I can fix that for you." offered Dr. Mario.
"No." said Giygas. "Those two are visting a real doctor. Not a crackpot."
"Aww..."
"...yes, prepare him cakes, and lots of them! We'll be celebrating our victory! Oh, and if he finally turns to our side, give him ice cream with the cake. Get to it soldiers!" shouted Porky on a cell phone. He hung up and noticed the looks he was getting. "If you want to know, the cakes are for Ness."
"...You're feeding Ness cake?" asked King Boo.
"Yeah! I want us to be bros again, like the days before I became a villain! ...I'm still keeping him locked up though. He keeps trying to smash people's heads in with the baseball bat I gave him." said Porky.
"...Pardon." said Giygas. "While I may just barely tolerate you pampering one of my worst enemies, I will question... WHY DID YOU GIVE HIM A BASEBALL BAT!"
"...It's for when I want to play baseball with him..."
Lucas broke the silence. "...Why don't you bake cake Ashley? I thought we were friends."
"Yeah, and what about you King Boo? Cake is better than your dumb cupcakes." said Ridley.
"Shut up." said both Ashley and King Boo.
Ness was sitting in a chair in a grand dining room, waiting for a meal that Porky had apparently ordered for him. He had been locked up in a cell for a few months when suddenly, Porky commanded that Ness be released from his cell. Since then, he's been treated like a prince, however, he's not allowed to leave. Since he has no support whatsoever, he thought that escaping would be suicide and decided that it was best to accept Porky's lavish, if strictly controlled, gifts. Besides, who would refuse perfectly good gifts?
"YOU HAVE A SPECIAL MEAL TODAY." a Starman announced as some other Starmen brought in platters of cake. It would make Betty Crocker proud.
"...What's with all the cake?" asked Ness.
"IT'S TO CELEBRATE. TODAY LORD GIYGAS IS GOING TO THE ENTER OF THE DIMENSION." said the Starman. Ness, who had just taken his first bite of cake, spit it out.
"What!"
"IT'S RUDE TO EAT WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL." The Starman started to leave. "IF YOU NEED MORE CAKE, JUST CALL."
Ness looked at the massive amounts of cake and found it absurd that the Starman would think that he would want more. However, he was more concerned about Giygas. By the looks of things, Giygas is almost to the center of the dimension and the heroes... How to contact them? He has no more PP to use for telepathy and...
Then he saw a large chocolate cake. Made of Magic Truffles.
He grinned.
Members of GAG scurried around Windfall Island, looking for bodies within the ash. While the Smashers went off to the Mother and Child Islands, they were trying to find a way to revive the dead villagers and rebuild the town. Luckily, they came across Tingle. They spent quite a few hours negotiating with Tingle to release his fairies, however, he didn't break. When the Smashers came though, they finally reached a deal where Tingle gives them some fairies, and they give an autograph signed by the Great Fairy. Fair trade.
"It.. it was horrible... the laughter, the... THE DOCTOR! THE DOCTOOOOR!" screamed a villager. Young Link patted him on the back, attempting to comfort him.
"Don't cry too much. Trouble happens wherever and whenever The Doctor goes. It's standard fare." said Young Link.
"...He was talking about Dr. Mario, not the Time Lord, you moron." pointed out Pikachu.
"...I knew that."
The villager stopped crying. "Time Lord? Do you mean the Hero of Time?"
"He's sorta... um... evil now. Sorry." said Pit. The villager went back to crying, believing that all hope was lost. Meanwhile, Fox, Meta Knight, Snake, and Jigglypuff was brainstorming on what to do next.
"...maybe we could make a plot hole. It'll work out for everyone!" said Fox.
"No. Plot holes are unpredictable. For all we know, it could pop up near Giygas." said Meta Knight.
"Stealth. Stealth is the answer." said Snake.
"That's a method, not an actual answer."
"You never know until you try."
"We could hope for a deux ex machina." suggested Jigglypuff.
"No."
"That actually sounds like a good idea." said a passing Samus.
"Yeah! Let random plot stuff happen!" cheered Fox.
"Seems more sensible than the stuff that goes on in my universe." said Snake.
"No. No. That is absolutely perposterous. While Hyper makes mistakes, I'm pretty sure he's improved to the point that he won't rely on a deux ex machinima." stated Meta Knight.
"Here I am." said a voice. Everyone looked around wildly. For a second, they thought they heard Ness. "They did hear me." Everyone except Meta Knight and Snake (who, despite his eccentricities, has a firmer grip on reality) looked around wildly, trying to locate Ness.
"Oh no! They killed Ness and his ghost is haunting us!" screamed Fox.
"I'm not dead Fox. I'm communicating with you guys telepathically."
"Wh-When could you do this?" asked Meta Knight.
"I learned it from Paula, but I haven't had any PP to really use it till now. But now, I have a lot of PP replenishing food. In fact, I think it's possible for me to communicate with all the other Smashers."
"That's great! We really need your help right now!" shrieked Jigglypuff.
"Yes. We have all the secrets, but so does Giygas. We need you to contact all the other Smashers so we can rally against him." said Meta Knight.
"That'll be easy."
"I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but most of us don't know any of these secrets, so we have no idea where the center of the universe is. Plus, the secrets are scattered knowledge between Fox, Pikachu, and Meta Knight, so they don't have a complete knowledge of it's location either." exposited Snake.
"Well... maybe I could extract the secrets out of your head and.. distribute it to everyone."
"You can do that?" asked Jigglypuff.
"I'll try..." Everyone was silent, waiting for something to happen until Meta Knight and Fox felt a great pain in their heads. Meta Knight winched while Fox started to have a spazz attack. Somewhere else on the island, Pikachu could be heard screaming, "WHY DOES MY HEAD HURT!" Their friends looked on in concern until the pain went away. "Okay... That's a lot to take in... Need more cake... MMF! Delicious! ...Oh right, now to redistribute it. You first Meta Knight." Meta Knight's head started to hurt again, but it was less painful than last time and was a bit more quicker.
"...Hmm. Pushmo Park seems to be an interesting place. I might consider visiting that place for my vacation." said Meta Knight, analyzing his knowledge along with the knowledge he had just gained.
Pikachu scurried in on the scene. "Can the rest of you hear Ness in your heads? He's making my head hurt with knowledge."
"Yeah, we can hear... OH!" shouted Fox. "I suddenly know everything! ...and now to work on forgetting it."
"I'll get to work on spreading it around... I hope to see you guys soon..."
Pit stumbled in. "Hey, did anyone else hea-"
"Yes." said everyone else.
Peach opened some drawers and started to stuff various foodstuffs inside a basket. Now's not the time to fish or catch bugs. Ness just contacted her and told her to join up with the rest of the Smashers at the center of the dimension. She's not going to stay here and dwadle while everyone else fights. She decided to leave quietly at night, so as to not panic the villagers. All of the villagers were her friends, and she would really hate for them to worry about her.
"Hello, welcome to Nookington's, how may I help you?" asked an odd creature. Tom Nook had suddenly disappeared awhile ago, but not before upgrading his store. In his place was a creature that didn't appear to be from this universe. Peach thought it looked like a Waddle Dee, but she dismissed that idea. How can a Waddle Dee be here anyway?
"Do you have a spaceship in stock?" asked Peach.
"Hmm... yes. Mr. Nook sent it here this morning. ...Stupid Tom Nook and me having to owe him money..." said the Not-Waddle Dee. He stopped being a sadsack and turned back into his employee persona. "I'll go get it for you. Please leave some bells on the counter." The Not-Waddle Dee went to retrieve the spaceship. Peach left her payment on the counter, when she suddenly noticed something stocked in a shelf: bags of Mushroom Kingdom coins. Could it be? ...No, probably just seeing things. Perhaps she was homesick.
Speaking of home.
Toad Town and parts of the surrounding areas have been abandonned. The omniscient clouds completely covered the town. Just a few minutes in that place would make people go mad. And so, the capital of the Mushroom Kingdom was actually moved to Bowser's Castle. Everyone was mostly okay about it, since the kingdoms weren't fighting plus Bowser wasn't around to screw things up. The only one who had an objection to this union was Bowser Jr, but no one cares about him. As a result, his castle was taken away from him like debt collectors do. Or is it the bank? Or is it the Daleks? Man, I know nothing about the economy.
Luigi ran into the dining room, stopping to breathe. "G...Guys... did you-a..."
"Yes, we heard-a him Luigi. We also know-a the secrets." said Mario. He and the others were eating a light snack before they take off for the center of the dimension.
"I now know where those Heart Pieces are! I will get them before Link next time so he won't have high health!" laughed Ganondorf.
"Unelss he goes for a three-heart run." pointed out Popo.
"Shut up kid."
"B-But how will we-a get to the center of the dimension? The Toads cannot-a make a new spaceship on short-a notice! Especially since they're-a genius went wacko!" yelled Luigi.
Everyone tried to think of a situation. Nana came up with something. "What about the clown car?"
"...What's a clown?" asked Ganondorf.
"It's a freak who-a scares you..." cried Luigi, curling up because of fear of clowns.
"No! Bowser's clown car helicopter thing! We could use it to fly there! All we would need is a glass dome and oxygen source!"
"Fantastic! Hey, Junior!" yelled Mario. Bowser Jr, who was raiding the fridge in the kitchen (the castle is technically his...), pops his head in.
"What do you losers want?" asked Bowser Jr.
"Where's your-a dad's Koopa Clown Car? We're-a gonna need that!" said Mario.
"Kirby, I'm not so sure about this." said Olimar nervously. As soon as they got the message, Kirby ran off to get them tranportation. Unfortunately for Olimar, his idea of transportation was a very much unsafe Warp Star.
"What's the problem?" asked Kirby.
"Well, the wind and momentum would blow me off the Warpstar, along with my remaining Pikmin." said Olimar.
"Oh don't worry, I got that covered!" Kirby looked around the Warp Star and then pulled a hatch. The hatch opened up to a glove compartment that Oimar and his Pikmin could fit into. Plus. they could ride without getting hurled into space. Olimar didn't like the cramped conditions, but he decided to make do. Kirby carefully picked up Olimar and his Pikmin companions and put them into the compartment.
"Thank you Kirby. Now, let's get going, shall we?"
"Hey! Hyper guy!" yelled Samurai Goroh.
Sup.
"What about me! I was sort of imporant in this story!" protested Goroh.
Yeah... but you're technically not a Smasher.
"What about Waluigi?" asked Waluigi, suddenly appearing by Goroh's side.
"Who the hell are you?" aked Goroh.
A guy that's also not appearing again in the story. Sorry.
"Oh, you can just go to hell you motherfu-"
"WAA! NO CURSING!"
Unfortunately, Ness was unaware that Link and Lucas was turned to Giygas' side, so he too alerted them. The two collapsed in pain from the information Ness was feeding them. When it went away, they stood back up to face the others.
"The Smashers know! THEY KNOW THE SECRETS! THEY KNOW EVERYTHING!" yelled Link.
"Ness told us it!" yelled Lucas. Everyone turned to glare at a very ashamed Porky. He anxiously got out his cell phone to call his servants.
"Hey, idiots, what are the ingredients you used in Ness' cakes? ...Uh-huh... You used Magic Truffles in some of the cakes? Okay, go restrain Ness. Don't hurt him too much, I don't want him to hate me!" yelled Porky. He tapped his foot, half in impatience, half in anxiety. Then, he heard screaming on the other end along with Ness' laughter. He awkwardly turned to everyone else. "Okay. He miiiight have escaped."
"...Porky, if we didn't have the advantage, I would kill you right now." said Giygas. He closed his eyes and shifted his consiousness to his gaseous form. The clouds in the mouth area started to move as Giygas' booming voice filled the area. "Minions, head to the center of the dimension at full speed! If anyone gets in our way, whether hero or not, kill them on sight!" Pig Masks and Starmen scurried to start navigating the battleship while all the villains laughed evily, except for Roy and Jeff, who were still in pain, and Porky, who decided to slink away before anyone starts beating him up.
"I'm staying here." said Samus.
They were on Diamond Steppe Island, gathered around the spaceship the squirrels' gave them. While everyone else was ready to go, Samus decided to stay behind to command GAG.
"I can stay here and command GAG for you!" said Pit.
"Pit, that's a terrible idea. You know how unserious you are." said Pikachu.
"How so?"
Pikachu took out a copy of Kid Icarus: Uprising.
"...Oh right, good point."
"...Where did you get.. not important. Samus, why can't you leave Snake here? No offense to everyone else, but you're probably the most competent person here." said Meta Knight.
"I can't command an army Meta Knight. I prefer being out on the frontlines. Besides, would you trust a guy obessessed with cardboard boxes to command an army of monsters?" pointed out Snake.
"He also has a good point." agreed Fox.
"Look, can we all stop standing around and get going!" snapped Falco.
"Agreed. It's been an honor everyone. If you somehow fail, you'll still have GAG and me to fall back on." The space bounty hunter saluted, and everyone else reacted in kind. Samus retreated into the island while everyone else stowed away into the spaceship. The spaceship start to elevate and in a flash, it flew off into the atmosphere.
Giygas looked ahead to the future, smiling a grin that stretched over the entire makeshift battleship. Ness may have meddled in his affairs again, but he will win this time. Mewtwo rallied Pichu, Dr. Mario, and Roy, telling them to be on their best behavior and how not to fly into a psychopathic rage when they meet the Smashers. Porky, Ashley, and Lucas were trying to bond in an awkward attempt to become friends. King Boo called Vaati a girly girl and was currently screaming his head off, running from a tornado. And Ridley...
Where did Ridley go?
The former princess of the Mushroom Kingdom left her spaceship on auto-pilot and curled up to go to sleep. In her arms she held a doll, whcih was a Gyroid she fished out of a pond...
The Mario Brothers, the Ice Climbers, and that one guy were inside a bigger version of the Koopa Clown Car, which now featured an air dome for deep space travel. Mario and Ganondorf were acting like reasonable adults while Luigi was crying with Popo and Nana about encountering Giygas.
Ness was flying in a Pig Mask ship he managed to steal, whistling to himself. Yep, everything's going good. He gets to beat up Giygas again and he had cake. Pretty great day so far.
Kirby flew through space on the Warpstar, looking at stars and getting distracted by pretty lights, which was pretty much the same thing. Inside, the tiny man and his minions of plant beings bounced around as the Warp Star flew at high speeds. Olimar raised his fist in the air, cursing physics and the fact that physics exist in space.
The heroes, the GAG lieutenants, the former prisoners, and the formerly accused were aboard a ship that smelled of squirrels, flying toward the final battle.
Pikachu started to play Kid Icarus. "Two or three more chapters. Then it will be ove- HEY! YOU KILLED ME!"
Jigglypuff laughed, holding her own 3DS. "Nothing can beat the Beam Claws!"
"Can I play too?" asked Young Link.
"Stop acting like children! I'm pretty sure the chapter ending is supposed to be serious and dramatic!" said Meta Knight. To go along with this, he glared off into space, piloting the ship toward a speck of red very far off in the distance.
To be continued...
Where is Ridley? Fourth wall, cooperate! No, he's nowhere in the realms of the plot... Where could that guy possibly be?
So, Spring Break next week, and that's awesome! I got Kid Icarus: Uprising last week, and that's also awesome! And, if you can't tell, I've been watching Doctor Who lately. I've gotten through most of Season 3 so far, and the Weeping Angels are awesome as well! ...Anywho, I bet none of you expected that whole Porky/Ness friendship thing to go anywhere, huh? MWHAHAHAHA! Oh right, my usual nonsense questions. Where's Ridley? Are you disappointed that Samus won't be helping out? Will anything else from the 100 Themes spin-off pop up? Am I taking another brief hiatus to update it? Will we bump into the TARDIS the next time we fly through a plot hole? Should I stop asking questions? The answer to the last one is no. But maybe the rest can be answered in the next chapter of Attack of Giygas!
