Rory's Journal

"You have black paint on you," Rory said amused as she wiped the paint off Jess' cheek.

"Huh," Jess replied rubbing over his cheek for good measure.

"Did you have fun in art class then?" Lane asked him, smiling.

"Yeah it was good," Jess answered. He really had enjoyed it. He did his first painting today, granted he just painted the whole canvas black, but the teacher seemed to think that he had potential.

"Oh, I need to go to Doose's," Rory announced as she let go of Jess' hand.

"I'll wait here," Jess told her, he didn't really want to run into Taylor or Dean, so he was playing it safe.

"Tex and I are going to the diner," Lane said to Jess as Rory walked into the market.

"We'll be there soon," Jess promised her.

Rory walked into the market. She needed to pick up some red vines as per a bet she lost with her mother. She grabbed them quickly and headed to the counter. She was halfway there when someone called out to her.

"Rory Gilmore is that really you or am I imagining you again," Finn announced as he approached her.

"Finn," Rory squealed meeting him halfway and jumping into his arms. Finn caught her and hugged her back. "What are you doing here?" she asked him confused.

"I should be asking you that love," Finn said as he let Rory go.

"Well we live here," Rory answered, she couldn't wipe the smile off her face.

"Clever," Finn mused out loud, "right under Richard and Emily's nose."

"So what are you doing here?" Rory asked again, "I've lived here for like seven months and I've never seen you here before."

"Ah Vegemite," Finn said as he held up a jar, "this is the only place in Connecticut that sells it. I usually buy them out and then come back when I run out."

"Vegemite," Rory mused out loud, it seemed so trivial that Vegemite was the reason they were reunited.

"Yeah, it reminds me of home," Finn said getting lost in thought.

"Oh you have to come with me," Rory said excitedly pulling Finn out of his thoughts. "You have to come and see Lorelai, and Tex, plus Jess and Luke."

"Whoa, slow down Rory," Finn joked, "I'll follow you anywhere."

"Okay, let's go," Rory said as she grabbed Finn's hand and pulled him towards the door.

"I need to pay for this," Finn told her motioning towards the Vegemite in his hand.

"You can come back and get it," Rory said as she took it out of Finn's hand and sat it on the counter.

"But what if it's all gone?" Finn whined.

"Please," Rory replied, "no one here is going to buy that... though come to think of it Kirk just may."

"Rory," Finn whined again.

"Don't worry it'll be fine," Rory promised him.

"Okay, lead the way then," Finn said after glancing back at the lone jar of Vegemite on the counter one last time.

"Mom look who's here," Rory said excitedly as she made her way into the diner, dragging Finn by the sleeve behind her.

"Finn? What are you doing here? Rory have you been in contact with him this whole time?" Lorelai asked in shock.

"No, mom," Rory answered as she sat down, "I just ran into him in the market."

"Well in that case it's good to see you, Finn," Lorelai said as Finn took a seat next to Rory.

"It's a pleasure seeing you again too, Lorelai," Finn spoke. "So what have you been up to?"

"Not much," Rory answered, "but that's Tex as you remember."

"Hi Finn, this is my girlfriend Lane," Tex said proudly.

"Tex, Lane, nice to meet you."

"And this is my fiancé Luke," Lorelai told Finn excitedly.

"Fiancé?" Finn questioned.

"Yeah?" Rory, Tex and Lane spoke up.

"You're engaged mom?" Rory asked her mother shocked, "did you forget to mention this to us, we are your kids, you know."

"I know," Lorelai replied, "it only happened today, and I just saw you, and you had Finn, and it just slipped out, sorry."

"It's okay," Rory spoke, "but we better be invited to the wedding."

"Of course... maybe," Lorelai joked and Rory glared at her.

"Don't worry," Luke finally spoke, "if Lorelai doesn't invite you then I will."

"Thanks dad," Rory and Tex said at the same time.

"Fiancé? Dad?" Finn questioned, "well it does seem that you've moved on... you're the only ones though."

"What do you mean?" Lorelai asked Finn confused.

"When you left," Finn explained, "you left people behind, you left Richard and Emily behind, they have no idea where you are, or how you are."

"Oh right," Lorelai said sadly.

"How are they?" Rory asked the question no one else wanted to.

"Well for starters they're divorced," Finn told them, "after you left... they looked for you, they never stopped, they're still looking today, but they blamed each other for you leaving, and their marriage fell apart because of it. Richard buried himself in work, but Emily... she has nothing, she's fallen apart. Now I don't know about your relationship with them, but you should go and visit them, you don't have to stay or anything, but they have a right to know that you are okay, you owe them both that much."

"Finn's right," Lorelai agreed.

"Yeah," Rory added, they really hadn't taken anyone else into consideration when they left, only themselves, they didn't think of what they were leaving behind, only what was in their future.

"Enough doom and gloom," Finn said smiling, "it really is good seeing you both again, I've missed you."

"Oh, we've missed you too," Rory told him smiling.

"So?" Finn questioned, "Lorelai has a fiancé, Tex has a girlfriend, what about you Rory?"

"Oh," Rory blushed, "well I have a boyfriend, Jess."

"Okay, so where is Jess?" Finn asked expectantly.

"I don't know," Rory replied looking around the diner before turning her attention towards her brother. "Tex?"

"He said he'd wait for you outside of the market," Lane answered.

"Well he wasn't there," Rory said concerned.

"I don't know then," Tex added.

Meanwhile

Jess had seen Rory jump into the arms of another man in the market and he wasn't sticking around for an explanation, so he went to the bridge and lit up a cigarette. He wasn't worried about the guy, quite the opposite actually. He had so much on his mind right now, that this new revelation didn't even seem to register. He kept on remembering how good it was to talk to Rory in the center, how he had told her his life story, how she didn't judge him.

The incident was always playing on his mind, it was always there, a constant. So was the thought of Rory's reaction. He was sure that she wouldn't care, that she wouldn't judge him, that she would support him no matter what, but his mind kept on trying to convince him that the longer he waited the more she wouldn't accept it, that she'd overreact. He didn't know which way was up half of the time, but he did know that he'd have to tell her, today.

Jess mindlessly fingered the chain around his neck, and settled on the lone key that hung from the chain. The past six months he had kept this chain. It was the only reminder of Rory he allowed, and the key hung over his heart always. Sometimes the thought of what the key unlocked was the only thing that kept him going. He never did forget about the journal that he bought for Rory, never forgot the first entry he had written, never forgot that perfect day, never forgot their first kiss. He always held onto the thought, the hope, that when he and Rory reunited that he'd be able to read it, that he'd be able to read about everything he had missed out on.

Six months they were apart, a lot can happen in six months, Jess knew this first hand. Apart from the incident, so much had changed between him and Liz. He actually enjoyed spending time in the apartment, the apartment that he had spent countless hours in the past avoiding due to fear. And for the first time in his life, Liz, actually looked after him, she cooked him meals, she made sure he went to school, made sure that he always had a warm place to sleep. Simply, she was his mother again.

So now Jess was wondering exactly what had happened to Rory in the six months that they were apart. He stubbed out his cigarette before standing. He contemplated whether or not to light another cigarette and he decided to. He was nervous as hell, he knew that he was going to tell Rory today, and he needed to calm his nerves. He set off towards the house, towards Rory's journal. He had wanted to wait for Rory, to read the journal with her, but he couldn't wait. He didn't feel as though he was invading her privacy either because he had already told her that she was to write in it every day for him to read when they reunited, granted that was six months ago, but he doubted that Rory would mind. He made it up the porch steps and had barely made it inside before Luke pushed him back outside.

"Luke? What the hell?" Jess questioned confused.

"There is no smoking in this house," Luke told him as he snatched the cigarette out of Jess' mouth and stubbed it out. "No, you know what, no smoking at all, you're going to quit Jess."

"Fine, but tomorrow," Jess countered.

"Why tomorrow?" Luke asked him confused.

"No reason," Jess evaded as he pushed past Luke.

"Jess," Luke said as he grabbed Jess' arm and prevented him from walking off, "what's tomorrow?"

"I'm... I'm telling Rory tonight... about the incident, and the... they calm me down Luke," Jess told him whilst staring at the floor, "I will quit, I promise, just not right now, okay?"

"Fine, but I'm not happy with this," Luke told him letting go of his arm, "but, umm, good luck with... yeah, and tomorrow, no more smoking."

"Yes, uncle Luke," Jess replied smartly before rushing up the stairs and going straight to Rory's room.

It didn't take him long to find where Rory had stashed her journal, it was under her mattress. He grabbed it and it felt so heavy in his hands, it wasn't that it was a big book, but it was about what it represented, what it held in between its pages. In any other circumstances it could be a life changer, but Jess was sure of almost everything in his life now. He had Rory, he had a family, he had school, and he had his mom if he ever needed her. Nothing written in these pages could change any of that. He made his way back down the stairs and went straight to the swing he had set up out back. He opened it up to the first page and his messy writing stared back at him, and apart from his first entry the page was blank. Jess desperately wanted another cigarette, but he was going to try and stop, for Luke. So he decided that he'd only have one if it was warranted.

He flipped to the next page and his breath hitched. Rory's handwriting, Rory's words, Rory's thoughts, stared back at him. He wanted to close the book and leave it be. He wanted to dive right in and read every single thought. Always with the two options, Jess thought to himself. He was always having to make up a third option to deal. So he did it again. He flipped through the book quickly, Rory's words, word after word, page after page. He couldn't help but think of all the thoughts, all the effort she had put into this journal, for him, for them. The journal was almost filled, filled with details. Jess flipped back to the start and began reading.

July 30th 2000, Today I spent the day with Rory, and honestly it was the best day of my life. She showed me things that I never even considered as something special. We did nothing of importance, but we spent the day together, just enjoying each other's company. She was beside me the whole time and I wouldn't want it any other way. I'll never forget this day for as long as I live, and she'll never forget it either, because that was the first time that we kissed.

July 31st 2000, Today we are leaving, leaving the grandparents, leaving home, leaving all the bad, leaving Hartford, leaving Jess. I went to see Jess today, he wasn't there. It was like a thousand bricks came crushing down on me, I couldn't breathe. Jess was gone and I didn't know where.

August 2nd 2000, I lost Jess' book today. I can't believe I could be so stupid. I have no idea where it is. I've looked everywhere. Luke, Tex, and even mom helped me look too, but it's nowhere to be found. That was my last connection to Jess. The only piece of him I had. And I lost it.

August 3rd 2000, I got drunk last night. Plastered. I didn't know which way was up, all I wanted to do was forget. Forget what I had lost, and it worked. Luke found me, he looked after me in my drunken state, and I began thinking of what I had gained instead of what I had lost. Apart from the occasional errant thought, I vowed today to think of Jess Mariano no more.

September 16th 2000, Dean asked me out again today, but something shifted, I almost accepted subconsciously, and that scares me. Mom's always with Luke, and Tex is always with Lane, and I have no one. I'm lonely, and Dean could be the cure to that... but Jess, it's always Jess. I can't escape him, it's been a month and a half and my default response is Jess... What would Jess think? What if I saw Jess right now? What is Jess doing? Did Jess get sent back to the rehabilitation center? Is Jess in jail? ...Everywhere I go, everything I do, he haunts me, and a huge part of me doesn't think that it's a bad thing.

October 8th 2000, Today is my birthday, there were presents, there was family, there was cake. It could be considered my best birthday. I even made a wish when I blew out the candles, it was the same wish I made each day when I woke up and when I went to sleep, I wanted Jess. Nothing else mattered to me. I wanted nothing, but I needed him. My wish never came true.

November 27th 2000, Today is Jess' birthday. He doesn't know that I know. He doesn't know a lot of things. Like the fact, the first day I was in the center, I left, and I came back because my so called friends were jerk. That one event with my friends had me questioning everything, and I had decided that life wasn't worth it, that I would be better off dead, but then came Jess, just when I had lost all hope he slid Oliver Twist across the table to me. He doesn't know that is the single reason why I am still here today, he doesn't know that he's the reason, but I do, and that's all that matters.

Jess also doesn't know that I tracked down his father James 'Jimmy' Mariano, or 'the hot dog king' as Jess likes to call him. He lives in Venice Beach and owns a fairly successful hot dog business called Dante's Inferno, and I guess it's lucky he doesn't know this, because if he did then he would ask me how I found out, and that is a long story, which starts with me finding out that Jess won the New York state writing competition, finding out Jess' mother's maiden name, Danes, Liz Danes, then skips ahead to Tex spending all day calling all the Danes in the surrounding area, just looking for the one, Jess' uncle, Liz's hick brother, and for what you might ask, well I had this crazy idea that if I tracked down Jess' uncle then I'd be able to convince him to take Jess on, for him to look after Jess, so that when Jess left the center he'd have somewhere else to go, somewhere new, a fresh start, just like us, but we never found him, and not for lack of trying. Tex made it his mission, and he was so disappointed in himself when we got nowhere. I've always wanted to go back through the list again and call everyone back, but I haven't, I'm afraid that if I do and I don't find him then... it will just make everything worse.

Happy Birthday Jess, I hope this year's was just as good as your fifth, if not better, love Rory.

December 25th 2000, Christmas day. I wished for Jess again, only Jess, but he never came. I hope he's having a good Christmas, but somehow I highly doubt that. I can just feel it.

January 31st 2001, I'm feeling left out again today, today more than ever. I don't know why, but I wish I had someone, anyone. Tex and Lane are still together, I kind of thought they would have broken up by now, nothing against them at all, but I don't think they're suited, I don't think they're soul mates, but if they're happy for now I guess that's all that matters, it's not like anyone's getting hurt, except for the town thinking that Tex is gay, yeah that never gets old. And then there's Luke and mom, now I know for a fact that they are in it for the long haul, and I like it. Luke's great and is more of a father to me then Christopher ever was. I like him. But it always leaves me on the outs. I wish I had someone, anyone really.

Okay enough with the pity party, something good did happen today, I found Jess' book, it was in the lake of all places. I got it out and got Tex to figure it out for me. It turned out to be Jess' address and phone number, I called it and a woman answered, she told me that Jess wasn't there, that Jess had left to go with live with his uncle. I was disappointed, but I was also happy, this is what I had wanted all along, for Jess to get his fresh start, and it seems as though he was getting it. I left a message for him, I told his mom to tell him that he was finally getting his new life, and for him not to waste it, and I hope he doesn't.

Well today was definitely a big day. Luke told us that his nephew was coming to stay with us. I was wary. I mean we're not blood family, but Luke puts up with us anyway, but what happens when Luke's nephew comes, is he going to like him more than us, is he going to kick us out. I forced Tex to come with me when we went to scope out the new family member, he didn't want to come, he was scared that we would get caught. I saw him get off the bus, I didn't know who it was, but as soon as he looked at me I knew. It was as if everything came rushing back, it was as if the past six months never happened. I ran to him, and I hugged him, I wasn't letting go. But he wasn't the Jess I left. He was broken. His eyes held no life. He was too thin. He wasn't my Jess anymore, but I wanted nothing more than to call him my Jess anyway.

February 2nd 2001, Jess has been talking to my mom and it hurts. I just can't understand why he doesn't confide in me. What does my mom have that I don't?

February 4th 2001, Jess told mom what happened to him today, he told her everything. I was holding onto some hope that I would be the first to know, that he would confide in me first, but he didn't. I guess in a way I'm just thankful that he was talking to someone, that he was doing better than when we were reunited. I was slowly getting my Dodger back, but in some ways he was still Oliver. We were together now, but in some ways we weren't, not fully yet anyway. I just want him to tell me, it doesn't even matter what it is now, no it's more than that now, I just need him to trust me, I need him to want to confide in me. Before he does that, we'll just... we're not going to be able to move forward.

Jess closed the book and fingered a lone cigarette. He was torn once again whether to smoke it or not. The journal held everything that he thought it would, and in some ways it held so much more.

"Are you going to smoke that?" Rory asked as she approached him.

"Depends," Jess replied looking up at her.

"Depends on what?" Rory asked stopping just in front of him.

"Depends on whether or not you're ready to hear my story now," Jess told her, trying to hold his nerves back.

"Your story? Oh," Rory said as she spotted her journal in Jess' lap. "I hope you're not just telling me because you read that."

"No," Jess answered looking down at the journal, "I came to my decision before I read this, but this further confirms my reasoning."

"Okay then."

"Okay?" Jess questioned her, giving her a chance to change her mind.

"Yes," Rory answered surely.

"Okay then," Jess said as he pocketed the un-smoked cigarette and stood up, "let's do this."