A/N: Happy belated Easter everyone, here's a nice piece of candy for your basket *places a Reeses cup in your basket because honestly, I got like 50 fucking pieces of them in my basket and if i even look at another one i think i might puke* My present for you, other then the candy, is this wonderful chapter. Actually, I'm not quite satisfied with the way it turned out, but I don't want to re-write it so here you go. Also, I just want to apologize for the little slip up in the last chapter. At one part it said something along the lines of "under the moonlight" and in parenthesis after that was "lol wut why are they outside" and it's due to the fact that that was Maddy's chaper, and I hate to proofread chapters before I put them on here so when I was commenting on Google-docs, I just didn't delete it. But, of course, I found out afterward that it was there and for some reason, found it so hilarious that I didn't want to take it off. So, yeah, I forgot there is an actual chapter under this monster of an author's note that you probably want to read. Hehe whoops. Sorry, go on and read, hope you like it!
I hate Christmas time. I hate the colors, the disgusting red and green, and the freshly baked cookies and the stockings hung and everything about it. Well, actually, that's a lie. Usually, I love the smell that hangs in the air during December, the scent of the trees and crackling fireplace, yet have grown to hate one aspect of it: mistletoe. I hate mistletoe. I hate how it just hangs there, mocking me with in promiscuous ways. I mean, who even came up with the idea? Probably some skanky girl like Amanda who just wanted another reason to cozy up with a bunch of guys during the most wonderful time of the year.
Travelling home for the holiday, after the events that has occurred at school, it is filled with me mostly hiding in my room, debating what to do once I get back to school. Partially, I am angry and upset, but more of my feelings are directly correlated with embarrassment. I mean, had I really gotten myself tangled up in the mess again, only to find out that he still didn't want to be with me like that? Even now it makes me tinge red, blood flooding to my normally pale cheeks.
I remember the way my blood raced when he said yes, he had loved me. Maybe he still loves me, maybe we still have a chance, I had thought. He wanted to kiss me, I know that, why else would he have asked that question and initiated the meant-to-be-peck? I, however, was the one who had amped it up, turning the peck into a full out snog, which is turn showed him rejecting me, again, saying he 'just couldn't'.
God he was perfect. That's what killed me, how polite he had turned me down. The thought of his lips on mine and his body beneath my hands got my blood racing, made me light headed. And now I realized, when he said yes, that he did love me, that sure, he meant it. But he meant exactly it. As in, he had loved me, the idea of me, before he had me. But once he did, he knew he wasn't the kind to be tied down, especially to a girl like me. That's why he let me go, he stopped loving me in the first place.
None of my family seemed to notice, all too giddy with excitement for the holiday, as well as my sister hogging up all the attention with talk of her new, perfect boyfriend, Vernon Dursley. The word boyfriend makes me nauseous, and whenever the talk changes to my love life, I deflect away from it immediately.
A few days after Christmas, I sit on my bed, playing with one of the trinkets left under the tree, when I hear a tapping at my window. Jumping up, with the thought that maybe it's a letter from James, I run over to the glass immediately, pulling it open and letting the bird in, which I recognize to be his. Practically shaking as I take it, I turn the letter over in my hand, seeing my name on the front. There's something wrong, though, because it's not his handwriting.
Dear Lily,
I do hope you are having a good holiday and enjoyed Christmas. This might sound a bit strange, seeing as we aren't all that close, but would you like to meet for maybe some lunch and a late tea on tomorrow somewhere in Diagon Alley? There are a few things that I would enjoy catching you up on and I think you would gain a lot from it.
Your friend,
Remus Lupin
P.S. Sorry, I had to use James's owl, for mine has come down with some kind of flu. Hope it didn't confuse you too much!
Smiling a slightly confused smile, I quickly write a reply, saying how I would love to spend the afternoon with him, before sending it off with James's owl. Laying back on my bed and closing my eyes, I fall asleep wondering what the next day will bring.
"Remus!" I cry happily when I see him awkwardly shifting from one foot to another in front of our chosen location, pulling him in for a hug. He smiles and pats my back, before pulling away. When I get a good look at him, I see he has huge bags under his eyes and a few cuts and bruises and I realize a few nights ago must have been the full moon.
"Hullo Lily, how are you?" he asks as we meander into the small shop, a simple coffee shop with the best pastries I've ever tasted in my life.
"I'm... Well, you know, I could lie to you Remus, but we both know I'm a shit liar, as well as I'm sure that James has told you everything that happened the night before we left for the hols. Frankly, I'm not doing so well."
He nods, as we make our way up to the counter, ordering our drinks and sandwiches, before picking a corner table and taking our seats. I nibble on my lunch, taking a sip from my mug, before piping up and saying, "So, why did you bring me hear?"
"Lily..." He starts, practically burying his face in his hands before sighing, and stating, "You love James."
I start to reply, "I don't-" but he doesn't let me finish.
"I know you do. Shit liar, remember?"
I chuckle, "Okay. Yes, I do. Go on, then."
"Fight for him, Lily. Fight for him."
I shake my head, "Remus, I'm all strung out, I've tried and I can't anymore."
"No, I mean, really fight for him." He rubs his temples like he can't decide what to say. "Tell him everything you feel, every little bit. You let him go so easily, just... Just fight for him, Lily, I don't know what more to tell you."
"What should I say?" I plead, "How do I fight?"
"He's gotta be the one to tell you," Remus mutters, almost to himself.
"Tell me what?" I ask calmy, hoping not to blow up like I did the last time.
Silence ensures, before finally, with almost a remorseful tone, he speaks up and says, "Lily, he didn't want to break up with you."
"What does that mean?" I blurt out, completely aggravated. "I get it, he's not a relationship guy, I don't really think I can change that."
"Just fight for him, goddammit!" I don't think I've ever seen Remus so utterly exasperated. "Just... he has a reason, for not being with you. Tell him, tell him you don't care. Or better yet, ask for the full story, tell him you will decide afterward, that might make him tell you a bit easier. But if you lay it down on the line, if you tell him exactly how you feel, you've got nothing to worry about."
"And why is that?"
"Because he feels exactly the same."
When I board the train, I don't see him. When I enter the school, Alice by my side as well as a racing heart inside my chest, I still don't see him. Finally, I spot him when we enter the Great Hall, but I can't really just confess my love for him in front of all these people. Strategically, I wait until I after dinner, when he usually visits the Head's Office, and slip in, telling Alice I need to spend some time in the library.
Just as I predicted, he is sitting there, intently staring at some sort of essay he must have procrastinated doing over break. He doesn't even seem to notice I'm there until I take a seat next to him, making him whip his head to the side and clutch his heart.
"Shit Lily, you nearly gave me a heart attack!" Even then, I feel as if my heart is racing faster then his seeing how nervous I am.
"We need to talk," I reply, completely disregarding his statement.
James looks at me nervously, and says, "Well, I've got this paper to write so maybe some other time..."
"I love you." I throw it out there, sick of holding it to myself, sick of not telling him. I'm doing what Remus told me, I'm fighting for him. He looks taken aback, for I'm sure he definitely didn't expect that.
"Wh-what?"
"I said that I love you. I didn't just love you back in the summer, I didn't just love you when school started. I love you, right here and right now, and I want to be with you." He sits there, essay now fallen to the floor, with his mouth gaping open at me.
"Lily, I don't think you really know what you are asking for," he mumbles, running a hand through his hair.
"Goddamit James, I don't care," I yell, standing up and throwing my hands out, "I love you, I love every little piece of you, every imperfection and flaw you may have doesn't stop my heart from racing everytime you walk into a room or my breath hitching when your hand brushes mine. I love everything that you are and everything you've come to be over the years."
Sitting with his elbows on his knees, he props his head in his hands and just combs his fingers through his raven hair, gulping loudly a few times.
"I want to tell you," he finally whispers into his hands, "I just don't know if it's the right thing."
Taking Remus's advice again, I say, "Just tell me James, tell me and I will decide then if I want to be with you. I will take everything you say into consideration."
Nodding, he pats the seat next to him and I take it again, and so he starts, "It was the night that you came over to my house for dinner, to meet my parents. God, you charmed my mum, she was so... so pleased that I had finally gotten a steady girlfriend, even more pleased that it was you, because as you can imagine, I talked about you a lot." At this, I blush and turn my eyes toward the ground, not so secretly pleased that his mum had taken a liking to me.
"My dad... well, let's just say he had a different view on the situation. He didn't see it as me finally being happy, he didn't see how in love I was or the fact that I had finally roped you in. No, he saw it as...as some sort of political statement I was making to the world, even if we weren't out as a couple. Things get around pretty easy at the Ministry, like who's dating who, and though it shouldn't, blood status always enters the picture.
"He called me into his office that night, he told me he thought you were a sweet girl but... But that I couldn't date you any longer. He said it would ruin his reputation, not to mention if we ever... you know... if it got more serious and we were to tie the knot, the child wouldn't be one of pureblood status."
He pauses, and I take the opportunity to interject, saying, "I get it, James, your father's respect meant that much to you. I understand why-"
"God, Lily, you really are bonkers, aren't you? Do you really think that my father's disapproval really meant that much to me? No, Lily, he told me that if I continued dating you that he would have you blacklisted, he said he would make sure you never got a job at the Ministry, including Auror. He's a very powerful man, Lily, he could do it in a heartbeat. He said if I didn't break it off with you, he would kick me out. I would take that risk, I would, but it would also mean Sirius would be out too, and I can't do that to him, I can't make him go back to his family.
"Lily, if I thought there was anyway I could still be with you, without hurting you, I would do it. But there are too many risks, there are too many things that could go wrong or people that could catch us if we kept it a secret. And there was you, and you were telling me how hard it was for you and I wish I could have told you, everything, but the reason you came to the camp in the first place was to learn how to fly to become an Auror and I couldn't take that away from you."
"And Amanda?" I ask, not really wanting to hear the answer but knowing I have to ask sometime.
"She... well she was a distraction. I tried to fill the gaping hole in my heart with something, and there she was. I feel bad, for leading her on, but... But Lily, she wasn't you. She isn't you."
"I think it's my turn to ask the question," I say after a moment, looking up into his eyes and smiling slightly.
"I don't..."
"Do you love me?" I ask, my hands shaking and my heart racing and my head spinning. "Please."
He doesn't hesitate to breathe out a, "Yes."
"Then nothing else matters."
And suddenly I'm throwing myself at him, hands on his chest and mouth on his, so much better than before. Now, it's so much more real, as I'm allowed to kiss him with all the love I have for him. I shove him down, so I'm laying ontop of him, on the couch, and I can't get enough of simply tasting him.
I move my hands to his hair, as he greedily pushes his mouth against mine, nipping at my lower lip before sweeping his tongue across it. I move my mouth to his ear, slowly kissing the lobe before moving down to mouth kisses across his neck and down him collarbone, lightly nipping at the raised skin. I feel him slowly growing hard beneath me, but don't feel like stopping like all the times before in the summer. His hands move to my waist, and just as they are travelling to the hem of my shirt, as if to lift it up, he pushes me slightly away.
"Lily," he breaths, making me pout at the lack of contact, "We need to stop."
"Why?" I whisper in his hair, slowly kissing behind it and running my finger just along the top of the waistband to his slacks.
"Because we need to figure this out!" he cries, "Lily, you don't realize the risks...I shouldn't be doing this. And you, you shouldn't be risking your future for me"
"I love you, you love me, and even if we can show it to everyone, I want to be with you. Can't it just be that simple, for now?"
"Lily, no one can know, not Alice or the Marauders or your family. Do you realize what I'm saying?"
I sigh, "James, I know what I'm getting into. Please. Can't it be simple? Just you and me, in love, for now, just that simple."
"Okay," he gives in. And then I'm kissing him and finally everything seems okay again.
A/N: YAY THEY ARE BACK TOGETHER LET'S GET IN FOR A GROUP HUG HERE *squeezes you all tight* IT'S AN EASTER MIRACLE! Also, I just want to apologize for not responding to reviews lately. I got behind and have been pretty busy, so when I get the chance to come on here, I know you all probably want a new chapter over a reply to your reviews. But I promise to answer all new reviews for this chapter. THANKS AGAIN TO EVERYONE WHO HAS REVIEWED SO FAR, I FREAKING LOVE YOU.
