Recovery was a slow process. Emotionally I was relieved that Nick was no longer a shadow hanging over my head, but our last confrontation left me with more than just physical scars. It was over, he was in jail and I felt that I had no reason to be upset anymore because of that fact, but my brain just wouldn't let me forget about it. I had nightmares for weeks, I was paranoid about locking the door to the point where it almost reached OCD levels and on the nights when Spencer was at work and I was home alone, I would lock myself in my bedroom and hide under the blankets on our bed until I fell asleep like a child afraid of the monsters in the closet.
And all of that made me angry. With Nick for still having a power over me and with myself for letting him. But through it all I managed to resist the ever present urge to drown my sorrows with alcohol or even just have a drink or two to help me relax and through it all Spencer stayed by my side. Even when I took my frustrations out on him, snapping at him and lashing out when he suggested I see a therapist, even when I kept him up half the night with my nightmares and the crying that followed, he never wavered.
And slowly, but surely I started to get better. Time heals all wounds as they say and the nightmares started to fade and when there was no signs of any more contact from Nick, my paranoia started to dissipate and I began to trust that my ten years of looking over my shoulder had come to an end.
Spencer had a hard time letting go though, he'd stepped up so readily to be my protector and even once I started to regain my confidence, he struggled to trust that I was finding my feet again and wasn't going to break down every few minutes. I secretly loved it though. The 2AM voicemails when he'd just gotten back to his hotel while working on a case and needed to call me just in case I was awake, terrified from a nightmare. Walking me home from work once I went back if I had a late class whenever he was in town. Just generally being the most wonderful, attentive boyfriend that anyone could ask for.
By the end of September, things were pretty much back to normal. Nick had been extradited to California to stand trial for his crimes, I was healed and working my normal hours again and Spencer was, as usual, racing to various parts of the country at a moments notice to save the day.
It was quite late one evening when he got home from a case with a strange twinkle in his eye. I was drying my hands after finishing up the dishes as he came rushing over and pressed a kiss to my forehead.
"How was the case?" I asked, wondering why there was such a whimsical smile o his face.
"Good, fine, we got the guy," He shrugged. "Have you ever felt a baby kick?"
He blurted out his question before I could even process his answer to mine, but smiled at the look on his face.
"Of course," I nodded. "Loads of times, why?"
"I felt JJ's today," He grinned. "It was really freaky, feeling that there was actually a real human inside her. Of course, I knew that there was, but feeling him move like that was very strange and it got me thinking..."
"About what?"
"Having children," He informed me. "I think that I would like to."
My eyes widened at his confession. It was something I'd pondered on a few times during our relationship, but never focused on too much as I didn't want to get ahead of myself.
"Right now?" I asked, feeling panic rising inside me at the thought.
"No! No! Definitely not right now," He rushed to assure me once he realized how his statement had sounded. "Just sometime in the future. I always thought that I never would, but now I know that I want to."
"Why didn't you think that you would? You're great with Jack."
"Jack's the exception. You heard about the 'Reid effect'," He pointed out. "But I always thought the risk of passing them schizophrenia just wouldn't be worth it."
I felt a pang of sympathy for him that he'd pushed the idea of doing something that some people wait their entire life to do out of his head because of how scared he was of his potential illness.
"Spencer," I said softly, moving away from the counter I was leaning on to wrap my arms around his neck. "You still don't have any of the signs. You can't make such major life decisions based on something that might not happen. Besides, I think your mom would say that having you was absolutely worth the risk of passing on her illness."
"I know," He nodded. "But it's something I worry about all the time and I always thought I couldn't put someone through that."
"Well I'm glad you changed your mind," I smiled, playing with his hair as his hands found my waist.
"Do you want kids?"
"One day," I nodded. "When I'm less of a mess..."
"You're not a mess," Spencer said sternly. "You've been through a lot over the last few years, you handled it to the best of your ability. You're strong."
"I guess so," I shrugged. "But I still don't think I'd be a great mom, I just can't see it."
Spencer frowned at my confession and shook his head.
"You'd be a great mom," He insisted. "You take care of me all the time and you're sensitive to all my habits and quirks. You're more instinctively motherly than you think."
"Really? It is something I've always wanted one day," I smiled. "And you'd be a good dad too. I love seeing you with kids."
Spencer smiled, but it was forced and accompanied by a wince.
"You think so?" He asked quietly. "I mean, I never put much thought into, but the only example I had was my father and he's not really anything to aspire to."
"Well my parents didn't exactly give me a shining example of how to parent and support your child either," I pointed out. "But I think we could do it. Maybe knowing what not to do is just as good as knowing what to do."
"I think so," Spencer nodded. "When the time comes, we can do better than they did and I promise, I would never leave you or abandon our child."
I stretched up to kiss him before nodding.
"I know, Spence. We don't even have a child and I know you would never do that."
"Good," He smiled. "I can't wait for JJ to have her baby. Do you think we could babysit him sometime?"
"Of course," I giggled at the childlike look of excitement in his eyes. "I'm sure Will and JJ will be begging us to take him after a few sleepless months."
"It'll be good practice," He smiled causing a smile of a different kind to slide onto my face.
"It will be," I nodded, pressing myself against him just a tad so our bodies were flush against each other. "But I can think of another good way to practice for when we decide to have a baby..."
He gave me a confused look so I leaned up slowly until our lips connected as his body relaxed as he realized what I was referring to and he let me lead him to our bedroom.
Note: I don't like this one at all...I had it all planned out in my head before I went on holiday, but I forgot it all while I was away :( :(
This is my best attempt at trying to salvage it, but it's not how I wanted it to be. I've written it out about four times since I got home though and I can't get it right so I figured I'd post it so I'm not keeping you hanging any longer.
It will get better again soon though, I promise! :)
