.
.

"How'd that go?" Ford greets John back in the bunker.

His face goes flush before he remembers that Ford is talking about the Dart repairs. "Well, he'll do it, but we need some conditions."

"What?"

"Dial back McKay's enzyme doses." John tries to sound impassive.

"No." Ford says rebelliously.

"Look," John's voice betrays some strain, "we're under some time constraints here."

He tries to be diplomatic, "I'm not saying the enzyme wouldn't help, I'm just saying we need him standing still and thinking not running laps because it feels good."

Ford looks like he is considering it, "Ronan and Teyla?"

"Stick to the plan." John assures him.

"Fine," Ford agrees. "What else?"

"I'll fly it, that's obvious, but I want McKay, Teyla, and Ronan on the strike team.' John continues.

"It's not a good mission for McKay. It could get rough in there." Ford looks suspicious.

John's got to keep Rodney with him.

"Look," realizing he sounds too adamant, John tries to bring his tone back to an easy cadence, "If suddenly we need a door open, or a computer hacked, McKay should be there to do it. That's why he's on my team in the first place."

Ford seems to give in and gives a handshake on the deal.

Letting out a sigh of relief, he goes to find Ronan and Teyla.

.
.

John doesn't see Rodney again until it is time his next dose. Ford's men have been injecting his team few a couple days now. John watches to make sure Rodney is getting a lower amount, as Ford promised.

Rodney flickers to meet his eyes for a moment and John smiles, trying to convey to him that it will be okay. But Rodney ducks back out to work on the ship repairs; John decides to give him some distance.

Over the next few days they see little of each other and don't speak when they do. No one seems to notice. When Ford tells John that he is needed to test flight controls, he manages to get into the craft without making any eye contact with Rodney. Rodney busies himself with the circuitry, frowning in concentration.

They say few words. John wonders if Rodney hates him now.

.

.

Later that night, John's guilt gets the better of him; he seeks Rodney out while he is alone with the Dart. They are losing daylight John knows Rodney has to head back soon anyway.

When Rodney sees John, he looks frightened and cornered.

"Rodney." He is so sorry for what happened and has to say something to ask Rodney's forgiveness.

"Look Colonel," Rodney cuts him off, "I am truly sorry for what happened and I promise it will never, EVER happen again. They've got me on a lower dose now and I'm feeling much more like myself."

"No," John tries to jump in, "Rodney it wasn't your fault, if anyone should be sorry it's me, I'm the one who should be thinking straight-."

"So we can put this behind us?" Rodney sounds desperate, "I would just hate to think…."

"Yeah, Rodney." John's chest feels heavy, "We can do that."

It's not like they haven't done that before, and that's all he really wanted, wasn't it? For Rodney to absolve him from his guilt?

"Right." Rodney winces a smile, "So another one for the 'don't talk about' file."

"Sure." John sighs and offers a meager smile himself.

Rodney looks sickened, as if he can't bear to face John anymore. He turns back to the ship, "So, I'm almost done here, if you want to let me…"

Not feeling any better, John backs away. As he heads to the bunker, he thinks about how he much he hates this. He hates failing people he cares about. And he has done nothing but fail Rodney. Just like he has failed Ford everyone else that ever mattered.

Wretched with guilt, John tries to set things right with Ford instead. Hoping to appeal to his sentiment, John tells Ford about how he visited his family on Earth while he was there.

"They miss you. A lot. This whole MIA thing is killing them."

"They're strong. They can wait." Ford tells John that he wants to go home but is resolute that his master plan is more important.

.
.

Feeling very alone, John tries to talk to Teyla and Ronan, "Well, part of me thinks he brought us here because he knew we'd bring him back. I think subconsciously he knows what our plan is, and he's fine with it."

They don't seem to be listening and break out into a fistfight with each other over some food.

"Stop guys- Stop!" John intercedes, but Ronan throws him to the ground.

He tries to right himself, "What the hell has gotten into you two? Oh, right. Never mind."

John wishes he had someone to talk this out with, but he is the only one left that is thinking clearly. This fact is made more apparent by the fact that Ronan and Teyla seem to have changed their minds about the enzyme and think Atlantis should consider it.

Rodney comes in to tell them that the Dart is ready. He flits his eyes about the room, not settling his gaze on any of them. John doesn't see Rodney again until the test flight the following morning.

.
.

While John is in the cockpit, Rodney leans over him to supervise John on the controls. He relays a lot of information but it is so indirect, without any eye contact.

He watches Rodney's face while he talks but Rodney keeps his head facing forward, talking to the controls.

John turns back to the screen to understand Rodney's instructions, then he feels Rodney looking at him.

The hairs on the back of his neck stand up. He still has a mark on his shoulder from where Rodney bit him.

Ford approaches them, pleased that the Dart is ready.

Climbing down the latter, Rodney lowers himself. His head is eye level now with John's.

And finally, he looks at John directly. His eyes are worried and resentful as if he is telling John, 'This really, really sucks.'

Rodney doesn't actually say it, but it feels like he did. John gazes back at him, trying to say how sorry he is with his eyes.

As Rodney walks away Ford remarks, "Seems a little nervous."

"You know McKay, he'll be fine." John plays nonchalant.

But Ford tells John there has been a change of plans and suddenly Ford's men have weapons pointed on Rodney from all sides.

"What the hell are you doing?" John demands.

"McKay's gonna stay here while we do the op." Ford tells John. To his men he yells, "Take him!"

"What? No! No, no, no, no!" John hears Rodney struggling as they take him away. His face goes to fury, "This wasn't part of the plan."

"Neither was you heading back to Atlantis. You didn't really buy the whole 'I wanna go home' speech, did you? Huh? Always underestimating me, Sheppard, you need to stop doing that." Ford goes on, "Complete the mission and McKay lives."

"We can't complete the mission, Ford. It's a bad plan!" John groans.

Ford pauses, "You said it was a great plan."

"You didn't buy to the whole 'It's a great plan' speech, did you?" John is sour.

Unmoved, Ford tells John to get the Dart in the air and beam the team up. He adds that the Dart DHD will only dial the gate for the mission and back, "Just in case McKay's life isn't enough to get you to do the right thing."

Keeping his rage in check, John gathers his self-control. He has no choice now but to complete Ford's fucked up mission.

.

.


.

.

Back at the base, Rodney fidgets as he watches the men shoot themselves up with the drug; it is a very disturbing sight. He stands up from the table, pacing and ranting about long the mission is taking. Where are John and the others? They should be back by now. He tries to calculate the exact amount of time it would take but his brain is firing erratically.

He knows it has been too long; John should have been back by now. Hours have gone by and Rodney tries to appeal to the addled men. He begs them to give him the control crystals so he can go for help. But they refuse to allow him in Ford's office and tell him at gunpoint that if he wants the crystals, he has to go through them first.

Fighting his self pity and despair, Rodney stalks away, trying try to come up with another plan. Then he slinks into the lab where the enzyme is stored, finding the bottles of the stuff. He looks at the case grimly, this might not be the best plan he's ever had. After wrestling with himself internally, he decides it's his only option.

His face set in determination, he reaches for one of the small bottles. Then, he changes his mind, taking the largest container instead. He shoots himself up. Needle-full after needle-full. Oh, he can barely hold his arm still. As he injects the last of the bottle, he is gasping. He might be about to have a heart attack...

No. He can do this. He feels like a superhero. He can destroy anything in his path. Rodney catches his breath and runs back to where the men are guarding the crystals. He grabs them and flings them easily about the room. They know how to fight, but they can't match his strength.

"And that's what happens when you back a brilliant scientist into a corner!" Rodney screams at the unconscious men on the floor.

By the time, he reaches the gate, Rodney feels like he is losing his mind. He blinks telling himself manically, "Okay, focus. Focus."

It feels like he is having an aneurism and an orgasm at the same time. Fuck. He talks through the dialing process, hearing his own voice rattling incoherently back at himself.

When the wormhole opens, Rodney shakes in concentration, "Okay, go home."

.

.


.

.

Carson meets Elizabeth and Caldwell outside the infirmary to give them an update on Rodney's condition, "I've sedated him." He looks back into the room where Rodney is secured to a gurney, "I've administered a beta-blocker to bring his blood pressure down to a more manageable level. It's a wonder he didn't suffer a stroke."

Caldwell asks if Rodney has said anything else to help them locate the rest of the team.

"Nothing coherent, I'm afraid." Carson is sorry report, "By the time he arrived here, he was hyperventilating, pulse extremely rapid. He could barely get out a word." He looks back to his friend twitching on the hospital bed, "Although, being Rodney, he certainly tried."

When Elizabeth hears what an incredibly high dosage Rodney took, she wonders if they can wean him off it.

"I wish I could." Carson tells them, "Unfortunately, Lieutenant Ford took the last supply of our enzyme when he left Atlantis, so an incremental withdrawal is out of the question."

Even if they managed to harvest more from some Wraith it be too late to keep Rodney from going into withdrawal. Carson tells them gravely "No, I'm afraid, for Rodney, the only choice is-"

"Cold turkey." Caldwell answers.

"Aye, to put it bluntly. I can administer some drugs to help ease the process… anti-nausea medication, pain reliever, benzodiazepine for anxiety, as well as a multivitamin injection to bolster the immune system."

"Good." Elizabeth nods.

He continues, "But there's no dodging the fact, it's gonna be difficult, possibly even deadly."

Carson licks his lips nervously as he looks back to his friend. He feels a great affection Rodney and he will see him through this to the end.

When Rodney comes to and regains consciousness, he orders Carson, "Don't just stand there, get me more enzyme."

"We don't have any." Carson tells him softy.

"It's the cave, Ford's cave." Rodney gasps, "He's got a whole cabinet of it. There's dozens of vials."

If they could get more of the enzyme, they could taper Rodney off, the risk of death would go down dramatically. Carson leans in and enunciates, "Do you know the address?"

"No." Rodney's face is red as he huffs.

"I'm sorry Rodney." Carson leans back sadly.

"You don't have to scream at me!" Rodney yells.

Carson keeps his voice low and reassuring, "I'm not screaming."

"Well this is fun for you, isn't it, watching me like this?" Rodney sputters angrily.

"I assure you, it's not." Carson looks at him with compassion.

"What is this payback?" Rodney rages, "You're jealous, huh? You're jealous of how vital am to this mission. Vital, vital –Nnn, jealous of how-how I get to go offworld."

Rodney's voice cracks as he yells, "and you get stuck in this stupid, pathetic excuse for a hospital."

"You know that's not true." Carson tries to reason with him.

Struggling in his restraints like he is having a seizure, Rodney accuses him, "Jealous I get all the woman and you don't."

"Excuse me?" If Carson weren't so worried about Rodney he would laugh.

"Please, just give me little enzyme, just enough to take the edge off. I'm dying here." Rodney begs.

"I told you we don't have any." Carson is patient.

"What you think I don't know you're lying?" Rodney flies into a rage.

"I'm not lying." Carson shakes his head.

"You are." Rodney insists, "You think I don't think you are, but you are. And don't think I won't forget it!"

Rodney makes a choking sound and Carson asks, "What?"

"I don't know." Rodney sobs and leans back into the pillow, "Just kill me."

"I wish I…." Carson sighs to himself, He wishes could do something more for Rodney.

"I'll pass." He says trying to sound strong.

"Don't shout! I am right here!" Rodney convulses.

Carson turns to the nurses in the adjoining room, "Perhaps we should move him to a more secluded area."

"What, so you can kill me in private? Stab another knife in my back, huh?" Rodney panics.

"Rodney, no one's trying to kill you." Carson places his hands gently on Rodney's chest.

Rodney struggles and looks like he is trying to figure out what is real and what isn't. Carson thinks if he can get Rodney into environment that feels safer, he might be able to reassure him.

"You have no idea of the agony I'm going through." Rodney pleads.

"Oh, I have an inkling." Carson looks down with empathy.

Carson has his assistants help him wheel Rodney into a private room. While they get everything set up, Rodney yells at them all incoherently.

He keeps assuring Rodney that no one wants to kill him while he ushers the assistants out and closes the door.

Then he pulls up a chair next to Rodney's bedside, where he can watch the vitals on the screen and easily reach any off the medications he might need to administer at a moment's notice.

"You never liked me, you just want to see me suffer." Rodney spasms.

"You know that's not true, Rodney. I'm your friend." Carson reaches out and pats his arm.

"I don't have friends!" Rodney sneers.

"Yes, you have lots of friends here on Atlantis." Carson assures him, "There's Colonel Sheppard, and-"

"Oh, God!" Rodney chokes and lunges against his restraints, "John. Oh, no, no, no, no. What have I done?"

Concerned, Carson asks him, "I don't know Rodney, what have you done?"

"Oh, fuck." Rodney shakes his head from side to side on the pillow. "Why did I do that to him?"

With horror on his face, Rodney stares up him, "Oh my God. I just want to die. Now really want to die."

"Is Colonel Sheppard all right?" Carson asks.

"Mmmmmm." Rodney makes a high-pitched moan, "I don't know- I don't know."

"It's okay." Carson pats Rodney's arm, "What happened?"

Rodney starts to hyperventilate and Carson pets him arm reassuringly, "It's okay. Just breathe."

"I was trying to make things up to him- after Doranda." Rodney looks up at the ceiling still breathing hard.

"He was so mad, and, and, I then I- I, was on the enzyme, I wasn't on this much, not this much, but he hadn't had any, so it wasn't a fair fight."

"Did you fight Colonel Sheppard, Rodney?"

"No-no-no-no" Rodney shakes his head, "I gave him a blowjob. I made him tell he wanted it. The way he made say I wanted it, when fucked me in the supply closet. I shouldn't have-shouldn't have."

Sure that Rodney is delirious, Carson pats his arm one final time, "It's okay Rodney, you don't know what you're saying right now."

"Oh, I know what I'm saying-I know what's real." Rodney bucks against his restraints.

"And let me assure you, this is very real. It's been real since the day you first introduced me to him. I thought, I thought, he was hot, but I never thought he would.-

You-know-what? He fucked me, okay? He fucked that first night, on the couch, in the game room."

Carson looks at Rodney with confusion.

"Yeah!?" Rodney yells, "You remember Antarctica?

That was fucking real! He fucked me every day we were there. Every day until he changed his mind and left, and, and, and, you told me he changed his mind, I-I think it had something to do with me, I don't know why.

But that's when he stopped fucking me. But, but, does-he-stop-fucking-toying-with-me?!

No! He comes to stay with me back on Earth, stays in my apartment, always, always with the touching.

Rubbing up on me while he gives me shooting lessons, getting close, flipping me over, pinning me down-

But, no! When I try to kiss him, he pushes me against the wall. Then he fucks Chaya instead of me."

As he listens to the bizarre story, Carson's eyes are getting wider. There are some factual details mixed in there… Could any of this possibly be real?

"Yes, yes! Chaya, you remember Chaya? That was real. That happened. Just like I gave him a fucking blowjob on Ford's planet! Okay?!"

"It's not fair." Rodney pants for a moment, then cringes and moans into the pillow "You don't know what it's like.

Missing him all the time. Missing his hands on my skin, I –I –I can't get over him and, and he won't let me go, even though he doesn't want me anymore. He toys with me and won't let me go, and I still want him, I want him, I want…"

Rodney sobs into the pillow, "I love him. Oh. Oh, God. He's going to hate me even more now. But he let me do it. Why did he let me do it? Why did he let me? Why-why-why-why?…"

"I don't know, Rodney." Carson takes a breath and shakes his head.

"There's something wrong with me." Rodney moans, "Why do I love someone who will never love me back? I hate myself. I hate myself and I want to die."

"No, Rodney you want to live." Carson reaches over to touch Rodney's arm again.

"I want to die." Rodney shakes his head in misery, "He doesn't care about me, nobody cares about me. It's like Alex said, like he said."

"Alex?" Carson inquires softy.

"Always said I was worthless." Rodney's face bunches up in pain and chokes out, Pathetic. No..."

He shakes his head, "So mean to me. Said I deserved it, cause I'm, I'm… Oh. Pathetic."

Rodney makes another sobbing sound.

Seeing that Rodney's vitals ticking up, Carson tries to stop the train of thought, "Rodney?"

But Rodney continues to sob; his face is getting red. It looks like he is holding his breath to stop himself.

Standing up, Carson and leans over his friend and puts his hands on Rodney's chest, "Rodney, Rodney, breathe."

Finally, Rodney opens his teary eyes and starts breathing more normally.

"Okay keep breathing." Carson holds his gaze, "In and out. Slowly… In and out."

Though Rodney can't seem to manage to do it slowly, he otherwise complies. He continues to rant and rave about John, his past relationship with Alex, and the fact that nobody cares about him.

Carson tries his best to calm Rodney down. At several points Rodney describes sexual scenes in such graphic detail that Carson doesn't doubt that he is recounting real memories.

The last think Carson wants to think about is Colonel Sheppard's cock. Clearly, Rodney thinks about it a lot. He just wishes that Rodney would stop being so graphic.

As the hours go by, Rodney seems to hit a turning point. His vitals start to ease back down. When Carson gives him the next dose of painkillers, Rodney passes out. He is through the worst of it now and should be able to rest. Carson finally lets himself relax.

.

.

Elizabeth steps into the room and asks Carson, "How is he?"

"Asleep, finally, mercifully." Carson sighs with relief.

She smiles and wonders, "Has he mentioned anything about Sheppard and the others?"

Well, Rodney mentioned Sheppard, but nothing relevant to finding him. Carson answers, "No, not yet… Our conversation was of a different sort." He confides, "I feel not unlike the priest in 'The Exorcist'.

Now, that's all he's ever going to say about that. Carson looks back to Rodney, "But he's lived through the worst of it. The nausea has passed, his pulse has returned to normal, blood pressure in a more reasonable range, considering his borderline hypertension before taking the enzyme."

"Good." Elizabeth is pleased.

"I hate to say it, but his stubbornness is probably what sustained him through the ordeal." Carson admits.

Elizabeth lifts her brows, "We won't tell him that though."

"Aye, mustn't feed the beast." Carson agrees.

"No… You look exhausted. You should get some rest." Elizabeth tells him.

But Carson isn't leaving until Rodney is back to normal. "I'll stay with him just a wee bit longer, just to make sure he's out of the woods."

.

.