sakiko of soleana: Must feel all the feels!

randomKittyX3: This chapter is gonna be a rough one. Poor elder-Loki! Not to mention Loki and Thor. It's gonna be hard for all of them :(

Lovely Mishap: I'm sorry I almost made you cry! Here's the update! :)

Ynath Esrith: A very valid point. Perhaps elder-Loki was never evil to begin with. A little food for thought!

PenguinBandit523: Yeah, it's gonna be really hard on Thor :/ Let's hope elder-Loki gets to go to Vahalla after this amazing turn of events. College is awesome but sucks at the same time. I'm a sophomore pre-med major so basically I spend all my time studying and doing homework. Bleh. Good luck in college! :D

TheWhiteHorse: You're very welcome! :) Glad you've been enjoying it!

Shakespeare 6.7: Yay for no prison! Boo for elder-Loki dying! I hope you like this chapter as much as the previous ones! :)

Guest: Thank you very much:)

TheDeductionist: So many reviews! Thank you! :D I'm really happy you've been enjoying it and I hope you continue to enjoy it


ONE STEP FORWARD, FOUR STEPS BACK

A THOR/AVENGERS FANFICTION

CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT: Hard Goodbyes

Thor was sitting alone on Jane's back porch. He had always when faced with times of emotional stress retreated into a shell that no one could penetrate. None but one. Loki. His brother could break it. Loki. His wonderful little brother was the only one who could get Thor to talk about whatever was bothering him when he went into that shell. Loki. He was truly the only one. Loki. And he was dying. Loki. Any thoughts of the little boy were nonexistent for Thor. All he could do was grieve for the not yet dead elder-Loki.

The little boy hadn't entered Thor's thoughts once since Thor left bed that night to sit on the porch. Loki was sleeping next to him but now slumbered alone, and probably wasn't sleeping at all anymore. But Thor couldn't think about the young one. All he could think of was the dying one. The one he had grown up with, fought with, played with. Now that the two were officially separate people, he had two different Lokis to share his heart with. The one that held a very special, sacred place was departing soon. Thor wasn't sure if he could handle the death of elder-Loki at all. Handling it well wasn't really on Thor's mind at that point. If he could merely handle it for Loki's sake that would be okay.

"Thor?" A small, angelic voice managed to penetrate Thor's shell. Thor glanced back and saw Loki in his pajamas, bare-footed with his goat in his hand standing behind him. Loki looked tired, bags under his bright green eyes. Just as elder-Loki had always been able to do, Loki got Thor's attention when his mind was extremely focused elsewhere. That gave Thor a small sliver of hope.

"Yes Loki?" Thor asked. Loki toddled over and sat down next to Thor.

"Wha' are you doin' out here Thor?" Loki questioned.

"I wanted to think by myself for a while," Thor replied. Loki nodded in understanding, but Thor could tell that there was a glimmer of betrayal in Loki's eyes.

"Why did you leave me alone? I had a bad dream an' no one coul' make me feel better." Loki told him.

"I am sorry, brother, but I needed to be alone," Thor said, wishing that Loki wasn't as small a child as he was. If he were older he would understand the concept of alone time.

"'Kay. But next time leave a note or somethin' so the other grown-ups can find you." Loki said. Thor smiled fondly. Loki really did have a knack for cheering him up.

"Sounds fair to me," Thor replied. Loki laid his head on Thor, not quite tall enough to reach his shoulder, so his arm would have to do. Thor began stroking Loki's hair silently and neither spoke again. When Thor was ready to move inside, he glanced down and saw Loki sleeping on his arm. Thor smiled and brought the boy in closer, hoping the rest of the day would be as simple as this.

Loki awoke and found himself in bed, tucked in and everything. He sat up and looked around finding no one was there. Loki got up and dressed for the day, deciding to wear something other than pajamas. He didn't want to annoy Thor on today of all days. Loki walked out of the room slowly, feeling very downtrodden. He was kind of hopping that the sun wouldn't come up, or that what elder-Loki had said was a dream. Both were wrong. Thor was clearly preoccupied by the coming death of his brother. Loki wondered what would happen between him and Thor after his Bjarte had passed. Loki was really worried that Thor wouldn't be as interested in him after elder-Loki's death. He was terrified that this death would really hurt their relationship. It was probably selfish of him and Loki knew it. He just didn't seem to care.

So Loki entered the kitchen and sulked up to Bruce who was standing by the counter. The man was pouring milk into a tiny cup, one clearly meant for Loki. Loki glanced up at him and watched as he screwed on a lid to the cup. Bruce clearly didn't realize that Loki was standing there. Loki was wondering or not he should bother Bruce. He seemed lost in his own thoughts. Too lost to notice Loki. Thor wasn't around. Neither was elder-Loki. Nor was Jane. There was no Darcy, no Erik, no Tony, no Pepper. Only Bruce and Loki. And Bruce didn't know Loki was there.

"Mr. Banner?" Loki finally said after some time. No response.

"Mr. Banner?" Loki asked again. Nothing. Loki's lip trembled slightly and he decided to cross a line he hadn't dared to cross yet.

"Uncle Bruce?" Loki asked. Bruce turned slightly.

"What did you say?" Bruce asked. Loki knew this could mean trouble.

"U-uncle Bruce," Loki replied softly. Bruce grabbed the little sippy-cup and handed it to the boy.

"Interesting," Bruce began, taking Loki's free hand and leading him to the table where breakfast was waiting for him.

"Wha's in'erestin'?" Loki asked.

"You've never called me that before. I've always been 'Mr. Banner'. When did it change, I wonder, and why? You never called me anything less than a proper title, even in prison when you were scared out of your wits. When did it change?" Bruce said, probably more to himself than to Loki. Loki sighed and picked at his food.

"It ne'er changed. I've always called you this, j'st not out loud. I call you tha' in my head. I've called you tha' in my head for a long time now…Mr. Banner." Loki said, returning to the title he was comfortable with.

"Don't say that. Don't go back to that. If that's what I am in your head, I like it better. Mr. Banner seems too proper, too unfriendly. We're friends right?" Bruce said. Loki's thumb was traveling up to his lips. A small nod escaped from him.

"I guess," Loki replied softly. Bruce smiled at him.

"So call me what you want. If you want me to be 'Uncle Bruce', then tell me. You won't get in trouble for voicing what you want so long as you do it nicely." Bruce told him. Loki glanced downward at his food.

"I'll always be in trouble, Mr. Banner." Bruce frowned. He knew something was wrong. He also knew it had to do with elder-Loki. That was everyone's problem this morning.

"You couldn't be more wrong, Loki." Loki glanced up, a thumb firmly between his lips. His eyes were longing, pleading for something. Affirmation perhaps? Comfort? Bruce wasn't sure what Loki wanted, needed, but he did know that Loki needed something.

"Loki, it's going to be alright. It's always hard when people we care about pass away, but we'll be alright." Bruce stated, hoping he had said the right thing. Loki sniffled sadly, his fork still poking his food.

"It won' be, though. Stuff's gonna change. Thor's gonna change." Loki replied.

"What do you mean?" Bruce asked, extremely curious.

"A'ter his real brother dies, he won' wan' another Loki. He'll j'st miss Bjarte. He'll forget 'bout me. He…he…" Loki raised his head to reveal tears in his eyes, "he won' love me anymore." Silence fell. Bruce was at a loss as to what to say. He knew that Thor's mourning of elder-Loki would be a long, painful one, but he certainly didn't think that Thor would abandon Loki. What purpose would that serve? But Loki was obviously terrified of this occurring. He had convinced himself that Thor would in fact leave once elder-Loki had passed. Bruce wasn't sure how he could convince Loki otherwise.

"What makes Bjarte his 'real brother'? Why aren't you his 'real brother'?" Bruce asked.

"'Cause he had Bjarte longer than me. He grew up with Bjarte an' not me. He wouldn' have t' take care of Bjarte or clean up a'ter Bjarte or hold Bjarte when he cried or make sure Bjarte was clean an' stuff. He's known Bjarte longer than me. He loves Bjarte more than me. Thor won' wan' me once Bjarte is gone. The only reason 'm here is 'cause of Bjarte! There's no reason for Thor t' love me if he's not here!" Loki cried, tears falling.

"Oh no, Loki," Bruce began, wrapping his arms around the sobbing boy, "That's not true. Thor loves you for you. It isn't about Bjarte at all. He loved you before he even knew about Bjarte. Sure it's true that you wouldn't be here if Bjarte hadn't existed first, but he's not the reason Thor loves you." Bruce explained.

"H-he's not?" Loki asked.

"Of course not. What kind of brother would Thor be if that were the case?" Bruce said. Loki hiccupped, a giggle accompanying it.

"I guess not a v'ry good one," Loki answered.

"See? You've got nothing to worry about." Bruce said.

"'M still sad Bjarte is dying," Loki whispered.

"I know," Bruce replied.

"Are you sad?" Loki asked, wiping snot on the back of his hand.

"A little, yeah. He really looked after you." Bruce answered.

"D'you think he's goin' t' Valhalla when he dies?" Loki asked. Bruce blinked. He knew from legend that Valhalla was the heaven of the gods. He also knew that only the best of the best got in. Elder-Loki certainly didn't fit the criteria.

"I'm not sure, buddy. He did some pretty awful things, but he really came through in the end and I'm sure he wasn't a bad person his whole life." Bruce said.

"Don' say tha' he was a bad person, Mr. Banner. I think he did bad stuff. But if he doesn' go t' Valhalla, will I? His past is kinda mine too." Loki said. Bruce sighed.

"Loki, I don't know if Bjarte will go to Valhalla or not. I do know that so long as you never, ever change, you will. His past is not yours. It's a small part of yours." Bruce told him.

"Tha' h'rts my head, Mr. Banner," Loki said.

"Don't call me 'Mr. Banner' anymore. Call me Uncle Bruce. I like it much better." Bruce said. Loki grinned.

"'Kay Uncle Bruce."

Once Loki had eaten breakfast, Bruce was the one that was watching him. Loki really wanted Thor to be around, but knew that he wouldn't be. He also would like to spend time with elder-Loki, but had a feeling that wouldn't be happening either. Loki was still worried despite what Bruce had told him that Thor would abandon him after elder-Loki had passed. The boy really wanted to hog Thor all day and keep him to himself. That way when the abandonment happened, it wouldn't hurt as bad. It was poor logic of course, but to a five-year-old it made all the sense in the world. It was still selfish of him, and Loki still knew it. Loki still didn't care.

In the hour before noon, Loki was fed up with being ignored by Thor and elder-Loki. He left Bruce's side and toddled down the hall in search of one or the other. Loki really didn't care which man he ran into so long as he did. There was a slightly open door in the hallway and Loki peered in. Inside were Thor and elder-Loki. Loki scowled at the sight, not really seeing what was going on. The two were silent, dead silent, and they weren't even looking at each other. They were both just sitting on a bed in silence. Loki was so hurt and angry he didn't realize that they were in his room, sitting on his bed. He also didn't notice that in Thor's hand was his stuffed goat. All Loki knew was hurt feelings and misunderstandings. So he walked in, an angry scowl on his young face. Neither man noticed him enter.

"Thor!" Loki demanded. Thor flinched slightly in surprise then glanced over. Loki noticed sleeplessness on Thor's face, sorrow in his gaze.

"Do you need something?" he asked wearily. Loki nodded vigorously.

"I need you," Loki said, feeling less and less angry and more and more hurt.

"Not now, Loki. I am…busy." Thor said softly. Elder-Loki hadn't moved or spoken since Loki arrived. Loki shook his head.

"No! I need you, Thor! I need you t' love me! I need you t' stay! Please don' go away! I need you!" Loki cried, tears he had been holding in all day finally falling from his green orbs. Thor sighed and hauled the boy on to his lap.

"Loki, I am not going anywhere," Thor said gently.

"Yes you are! When Bjarte dies, you'll leave 'cause you won' wan' another Loki!" Loki wailed.

"I don't think that's true, little one," elder-Loki said weakly.

"Your Bjarte speaks the truth. I have no intention of leaving you when he passes, nor will I cease to love you. You are my brother just as much as he is. Why else do you think we chose your room to sit in?" Thor explained. Loki shrugged.

"I dunno," Loki replied guiltily. He felt bad for being so angry at Thor when Thor was never going to leave in the first place.

"Here," Thor said, handing the goat to Loki, "Want to hold Da?" Loki's face brightened and he took the stuffed toy.

"'M sorry," Loki said.

"All is…." Thor stopped.

"Well." Elder-Loki finished, nudging Thor in the side.

"Are you scared Bjarte?" Loki asked. Elder-Loki nodded.

"Oh yes. Terrified. I've never died before." Elder-Loki replied.

"Wha's scarier? The dying part or the new part?" Loki asked.

"I suppose they are equally scary, Loki. Trying new things is scary a lot of times as is death. But, both are a part of life little one. You have to come to accept that." Elder-Loki said.

"But they're scary an' I don' wan' you t' die!" Loki said hurriedly. Elder-Loki smiled sadly at him.

"Loki, do you remember when Beth Foster took you to an amusement park?" Elder-Loki asked. Loki nodded, a faint smile on his lips.

"Do you remember how scared you were to ride the rides?" Elder-Loki asked. Once again, Loki nodded.

"Uh-huh. The rollercoaster seemed real scary." Loki said.

"Well, you tried it right? And you liked it. See? Trying new things can be a good thing, even when they are scary." Elder-Loki told him.

"He speaks the truth, brother," Thor agreed. Loki sighed.

"'Kay, but I don' know if tryin' dyin' for the first time is a good thing," Loki said.

"It doesn't apply all the time," elder-Loki began, "but I think it applies here. It's time for me to go and time for you to be Loki. You can't do that if I'm still around."

"But I wan' you around. I like you!" Loki said.

"I know you like him, Loki. But he was never supposed to exist." Thor said.

"I wasn' either," Loki pointed it.

"That's different. The Norns intentionally and purposefully made you. I was merely an afterthought. You are truly Loki and it's time for me to go." Elder-Loki said gently. Loki was crying again.

"I don' like it. I wan' all of us t' be a family." Loki said. Thor thought it best to change the subject. He didn't want Loki to dwell on the inevitable all day if he could avoid it.

"Loki, you haven't talked about not-Thor in a while," Thor said.

"We still don' know who he is, d' we Thor?" Loki asked.

"No we don't. Who do you think he was?" Thor prompted. Loki folded his arms in thought.

"I don' know Thor. I asked Bjarte if it was him, but it wasn' him." Loki told him.

"Well maybe it was Askr," Thor suggested. Loki shook his head.

"Nah. It wasn' Askr's voice." Loki responded.

"It certainly wasn't Askr, though it would suit him," elder-Loki said softly. Loki's eyes widened a bit.

"Bjarte, d'you know who not-Thor was?" Loki asked.

"I do," elder-Loki began, "and I think you do too." Loki's brow furrowed.

"Was not-Thor Thor?" Loki asked. Elder-Loki chuckled.

"Nay, it wasn't. Not-Thor was father." A shocked silence filled the room.

"You cannot be serious. This is some kind of joke or trick." Thor said after some time. Elder-Loki smiled and shook his head.

"I'm not joking nor am I lying. Father felt guilty, terribly guilty, about fulfilling his duty to Asgard by punishing Loki. He hid it well of course, but the guilt had begun to eat him alive. Being the sort of man that he is, he comforted himself by going down to Fjørlag-Bryggja to comfort Loki. It was both an act of love and an act of selfishness." Elder-Loki explained.

"He tol' me stories. Lots of stories. I thought his voice was Thor's, but daddy an' Thor talk the same 'cept daddy has an ol' man voice!" Loki squealed, happy to finally know the identity of one who brought him so much comfort.

"I cannot believe this. If he felt guilt, why not release Loki? Why chase him down for so long?" Thor asked.

"You know our father as well as I. His sense of duty and justice can, and often does, cloud his love for his children as well as his better judgment." Elder-Loki said.

"I suppose," Thor said. Loki squirmed slightly.

"Why are you in here alone anyways? Wouldn' it be more fun t' have fun 'stead of stayin' here alone?" Loki asked.

"I wanted more of that 'alone time' we talked about last night Loki," Thor told him. Loki stuck his lip out in a pout.

"Tha's not fun. You guys shoul' come play with me an' Uncle Bruce! Tha's way more fun!" Loki squealed happily.

"Uncle Bruce?" Thor questioned.

"Yeah! I've called him tha' in my head fore'er an' t'day he said I coul' call him tha' out loud too!" Loki explained.

"I think that's a marvelous idea. Why not enjoy the day brother?" Elder-Loki said. For a moment, Thor looked as though he was about to disagree. He glanced over to Loki, who was so expectant, so excited and knew that crushing his mood on today of all days would be unwise. So Thor smiled and ruffled the little boy's hair.

"That sounds like a fine idea."

So for the remainder of the morning and the entire afternoon, Thor, Loki, and elder-Loki spent time together. Loki insisted that elder-Loki pick the activities seeing as it was his last day of living. The boy hadn't quite come to terms with the fact elder-Loki was dying. A part of him in the back of his mind thought that tomorrow when he woke up, elder-Loki would be waiting like he always had. To a five-year-old, this was an extremely hard concept to grasp. Loki couldn't seem to understand that when elder-Loki was gone, he was gone for good. So instead of focusing on something he couldn't understand and that made him sad, he decided to focus on the here and now. Elder-Loki wasn't dead yet. It was time to make the best and make the most of the time that he had left with his Bjarte before that brightness went out.

Dinner was tense. No one was really eating, no one spoke. Elder-Loki had begun looking pale around three that afternoon, begun feeling weak at four, and by five he felt so lightheaded and dizzy he wasn't even sure where he was at times. Thor knew the time was coming. When elder-Loki began going downhill, he tried to distract Loki, but it failed miserably. Loki knew too. And it wasn't just that; Thor couldn't focus on anything. It was just like the night before. All he could think of was elder-Loki.

"I think I need to…lie down." Elder-Loki said, standing. Thor made a funny choking sound and put his face in his hands. Loki glanced around then hopped off his chair.

"Where are you going buddy?" Jane asked.

"'M goin' with Bjarte. He shouldn' be alone t'day." Loki said, trotting after elder-Loki.

"That is kind of you little one," elder-Loki said wearily, gripping the boy's hand.

"I don' think Thor will be there. I think he's too sad." Loki commented.

"Oh, I don't think so," elder-Loki began, "I think he needs to be there. I think he knows he has to be there. You won't face it alone." Loki sighed and looked down at his feet.

"An' you're sure he won' leave me?" Loki asked worriedly.

"I am positive," elder-Loki replied.

The pair walked to the room elder-Loki had been using since rescuing Loki from S.H.I.E.L.D. and the man lied down on the bed. Loki scurried out for a moment, then returned carrying his blanket and goat. He climbed up on to the bed and placed the blanket on top of elder-Loki and handed to goat to him. Elder-Loki smiled at him and gestured for the boy to get comfortable.

"Thank you Loki," elder-Loki said.

"Are you still scared?" Loki asked. Elder-Loki nodded.

"Very," he replied.

"I can help," Loki said.

"Can you?" Elder-Loki teased lightly. The boy nodded and took a deep breath.

"C-come stop your crying, it'll be alright. J'st take my hand, hold it tight. I will protect you from all around you. I will be here, don' you cry." Loki sang, his voice wavering. He couldn't help it. It was nearly time.

"Don't stop," elder-Loki said, "please continue."

"For one so small, you seem so strong," Loki sang, tears beginning to fall, "my arms will keep you safe and warm." Another voice had joined in, and Loki saw Thor standing in the doorway. He nodded at the boy and Loki nodded back.

"This bond between us can't be broken. I will be here don't you cry. You'll be in my heart. Yes you'll be in my heart. From this day on, now and forever more. You'll be in my heart, no matter what they say. You'll be here in my heart, always." Loki couldn't continue anymore. His cries had become loud sobs and wails. Thor walked over and sat next to him, pulling the boy into his side.

"Shh…it's alright. Would you like to go see Uncle Bruce? You don't have to be here when…when it happens." Thor said. Loki shook his head.

"I-I wanna be with him s-so he's not sc-scared," Loki managed to say in between sobs. Thor managed to smile fondly at Loki and he began to pet his hair.

"Alright, little one, alright. I'll be right here. It's going to be okay." Thor cooed.

"You're gonna be okay too, Thor," Loki said softly. Thor allowed a few tears to escape his eyes.

"Yes, I know. We have each other. That will never change." Thor agreed. Elder-Loki smiled; they were going to make it. He knew it.

"Thor…please do something for me." Elder-Loki said, his voice nothing more than a hoarse whisper.

"What is it brother?" Thor asked.

"Be sure…be sure t-they know…tell my story, Thor. Gods…gods don't have history, they h-have…stories. Pl-please tell mine to all of Asgard. Be sure they kn-know that both their princes have good in…in their hearts. Please. It isn't just for…for my sake, but for his as well. Please." Elder-Loki said. Thor realized this was his last living request.

"Of course I will. Do you have a will of some kind?" Thor asked. Elder-Loki chuckled weakly.

"Some…something like that. It lies in my ch-chamber, between the pages of a book." Elder-Loki replied.

"I shall honor your every request," Thor told him.

"Then might I have one more?" Elder-Loki asked.

"Of course," Thor replied.

"Do not give me a hero's burial, nor treat me to the traditional Asgardian ceremonies. I am merely the ending of a chapter in Loki's life. To bury me would imply Loki's partial death. Do not do so. Merely tell my, no, his story to all who will listen. That will be burial enough for me." Elder-Loki said. Thor nodded.

"Aye," Thor said. Elder-Loki now turned to Loki.

"Little one?" Loki glanced up.

"Yes?" Loki replied softly.

"Can you promise me a thing or two?" Elder-Loki asked. Loki took a sharp breath.

"I-I guess," Loki cried softly.

"First, promise me that you'll always be yourself no matter what and be open with the people who love you. This is where I went wrong. Second, do not dwell on me. Let me fade into your memory, along with all the other horrors you've seen. Be your own person. Move on. Survive." Elder-Loki said. Loki was crying harder, but managed somehow to stay silent.

"I g-guess I can do tha' Bjarte," Loki replied. Elder-Loki smiled at him.

"Good boy. You're so brave and strong. You're going to be okay." Elder-Loki said, his head sinking into the pillows. His breathing was slow, yet steady, but Thor knew he was fading fast.

"Any other requests?" Thor asked. Elder-Loki turned his head and for a split second, Thor saw the little boy he grew up with inside the man's eyes.

"Stay with me," he pleaded softly. Thor nodded and took elder-Loki's hand, the boy still on his lap. The hand calmed elder-Loki down considerably, Thor stroking the back of the hand with his thumb. Loki's thumb had found its way to his mouth, Thor silently stroking his hair. Tears were falling from both Thor and Loki. Only elder-Loki was dry-eyed.

When the clock read 7:56, elder-Loki's eyes widened slightly. Many minutes had passed since someone last spoke. Elder-Loki's strength was nearly gone, but he had something more to say.

"Thor," he croaked. Thor, bleary eyed, looked downward in surprise.

"Yes brother," Thor whispered. 7:58. Elder-Loki was running out of time.

"I…I love you." Thor choked and began to cry harder.

"I love you too. You've done well little one." Thor said through tears. Elder-Loki smiled weakly.

"Oh," he breathed. Then he was gone. There was silence. Both were crying inaudibly. When Thor's sobs became audible, Loki turned so that he was looking Thor in the face.

"Come stop your cryin', it'll be alright," Loki sang, "j'st take my hand, hold it tight. I will protect you from all around you. I will be here, don' you cry." So Thor pulled Loki closer and they both wept.


Thanks for all your wonderful reviews! It means so much! Not sure when I'll be able to update again, but I hope it's soon! See you guys next time! :D