Hi guys! I'm so sorry that I haven't been updating. It's just that my life is a mess because I have so much stress from schoolwork and my BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD is having open heart surgery next week and it's been postponed at the last minute several times and I'm so scared because he means the world to me and my stress got so bad that I had a panic attack that lasted for 5 days straight nonstop and I had to take a break from everything because I was literally falling apart

I'm really, REALLY scared because I'm having a relapse of depression, anxiety, and paranoid schizophrenia. I've been on my meds for so long that I feel like a robot with no emotions most of the time and I've gone from bisexual to completely asexual (no sexuality) and for some reason I am no longer capable of feeling love and it's freaking me THE FUCK out.

I almost had to be hospitalized for the 6th time, and THIS stresses me out because my family has to pay over $3000 every time I'm admitted. I'm the reason we're so broke. I'm the one thing that is holding my family back.

I'm constantly afraid that one day, I'm going to completely lose it and go crazy out of nowhere once again, and this time I'll be so far gone that no one will want to stick it through with me and everyone I know will leave me and I'm going to end up like that old lady with dementia that everyone pities and feels sorry for, but at the same time they avoid her because they're afraid that she's contagious so they just lock her up in some old age home/ mental asylum never to be seen again.

I'm afraid that I'm going to randomly go nuts and attack someone because I'm somehow hallucinating about them attacking me or making fun of me.

I'm afraid of talking about my problems to my friends because I'm afraid that I'm going to drag them down and they'll stop talking to me because I seem too self-absorbed and crazy and depressing and I'm annoying and self centered.

I'm overly empathetic, so I feel other people's pain. I care too much and I'm dragging myself down even further than the people I'm empathizing with.

You want to know what it's like being my main OC Agent California/Rachel O'Donoghue? This is it. Fear. Pure. Fear.

The fear of losing your friends.

The fear of becoming a monster.

The fear of losing control.

The fear of watching yourself spiral into an abyss of terror, panic, and despair.

The fear of people you care about dying.

The fear of your own mind.

The fear that you're never going to be good enough.

The fear that everyone will leave you once the going gets tough.

The fear of yourself.

The fear of being discriminated against for things you can't control.

The fear of the voices in your head.

The fear that all your fears will multiply and add up.

The fear that everyone finds you annoying and hates you.

The fear of death.

The fear of life.

Fear. Plain. Fear.

My biggest fear is everyone I know and/or care about leaving me. I love all of you guys, and I hate going off the grid like this.

I noticed that I've lost over 20 followers since I've last been on, and I can't say it doesn't hurt. It kind of does. (although I may be remembering having more followers than I actually had). But, I'm not going to let that get to me because I know that the people who stayed are still worth writing for.

It may seem like this story is dead in the water, but in reality, I've just been too occupied with personal problems.

My pseudo-sister (we're more than best friends, we're sisters by choice) Trisha Naveen AKA Era Ride hasn't responded to my messages in three months. I don't know if she's dead or alive. Life has been hell ever since she moved to India and left me in California.

If you haven't noticed already or read my author's notes, my stories are usually an allegory for my life. Cali is me, in every sense. We are one and the same, yet different.

I don't want this to just be a stupid emotional breakdown, so I'm going to do this.

I wanted to save this for either a separate publication, but I've decided that you need at least something for waiting all this time.

So, I present to you… Agent California's Poetic Diary.


Faith:

I don't want a perfect future,
Because that is such a bore.
So stay away from me, preacher!
our lecture is making me snore.

They say He made it all,
But all He made was me.
One that was prone to fall
To inconsistency.

Life is a roll of the dice,
That I know for sure.
I'm not sure about this "Christ,"
And I'm not hungering for more.

I am a woman of Science,
Not a Man of God.
I know I'm not self-righteous,
And that you find it rather odd.

You have no right to judge me,
Though I know my heart's not pure.
You can try and exorcise me,
But the job is just not yours.

Sometimes I question my faith,
It clashes with Modernity.
It doesn't keep me from the Wraith
Of this unfeeling Eternity.

Mother Mary, Mother of God,
Don't you find me rather odd?
Down the unfaithful road I plod,
Getting further and further away from God.


My Best Friend

That's my best friend, that is he!
The only one to ever make a fool of me.
If he dies or if he goes,
Where I'd go, no one knows!

I really have no other friends,
No one to trust when my life ends.
If I come and if I go,
If I did anything, no-one would know!

I don't really care if they
Don't care I live another day
As long he is by my side,
I sure as well will enjoy the ride!

I know he'll never go away,
and will come again for another day.
He is just so sweet to me,
That'll show 'em, make 'em see!

He has never left me there,
Left me there in my despair.
He is the abyss inside my soul,
For my very-best friend is Death.


Pain

Mommy, Daddy, help me please,
My inner demons I must appease.
They choke me with their loathsome words,
They feed my entrails to the birds.

Once again I count to ten
Wait for life to begin again
Mommy, Daddy, can't you see?
There's almost nothing left of me.


Popular

I wanted to be popular,
That's what I wanted to be.
I wanted to be something else,
Anyone but me.

What I had to do to be popular,
I really had no clue.
I realized I had to prove it,
To everyone, including you.

I crossed the Pits of Self Loathing,
I swam the Sea of Despair,
To get where I wanted to be;
anywhere but there.

I realized that to be popular,
A mask I would have to wear.
My life was a masquerade ball,
For which I was unprepared.

And under the dozens of masks I wore
I think I lost my true face.
I still was not happy then,
For it could not be replaced.

So when I finally came to my senses,
I realized I was only jogging in place.
No matter what I did,
I could never be your Ace.

Oh how I hated being "popular,"
As it was all just a mirage
Brought on by insecurities
You'd rather keep in your garage.

I have traveled far and wide,
To find my place again.
How long will I have to trek,
To find where I was back then?

I think that I can see me now,
With all my faithful friends.
They're just beyond the horizon,
I can't wait to see them again.


The Alien Queen

I used to be the Emperor,
Of a civilization in my mind's eye.
I was my people's beloved,
Until the day the magic died.

I was the Queen of the Tomerge,
I was the Alien Hive.
For no human could understand me,
No human in the world alive.

I conquered far-off galaxies,
My plans that I connived
Were a match for my foe's empathy
That had never really arrived.

I heard your cries from the barren land,
I couldn't help but take a look.
Too late I saw it was a trap,
I was an open book.

My empire crumbled around me,
I saw my people die.
This was not my destiny,
I could only ask, "Why?"


The Voices

They haunt me in my waking dreams,
Nothing is ever as it seems.
My world is filled with crazy things,
Landmines, bombs, and diamond rings.

They always whisper in my ear,
"Your death is probable, always near.
Everything is possible, it's true, my dear.
You've got everything alive to fear."

Everyone is out to get me
They don't just say that to upset me
My voice is way too freaking loud
My singing's not something of which to be proud.

"You're a bitch, you're a whore.
Trust me, you'll never be anything more."
All those things the voices said
I'm surprised I'm not yet dead.

I really, really cannot focus,
My brain is filled with hocus-pocus.
I'm drowning inside my very own head,
It feels as if my brain's weighed down with lead.

The titillating banter never stops
To wipe my brains off the floor, we'll need two mops.
Death is always at my door
Five bodies inside, we'll need one more.

Dominic's the one that's in love with me,
Make him go away, that's the key
To make me realize, filled with glee,
There's nothing worthwhile about me.

Michael's the one who broke my heart,
When once he made it feel like a work of art
Over and over he made me see
No one will ever want to be with me.

So many voices that I can't see,
It feels like they've got the best of me.
When will I finally see that white light?
I don't think I can last this fight.

I'd do anything to end this pain,
Beat my head 'till only I remain.
Blood is dripping to the floor,
I'm jumping out the side car door.

Mommy, Daddy, can't you see?
Heaven is just the place for me.
If I do this, I can't go
But I've heard there's room to grow.

Why won't they just go away,
Not come again another day?
For their absence I shall pray,
I hope that day will be today.


I'm still not thinking straight so I won't be able to give you exactly what you want (Although I've been working really hard on revamping the plotline before this all happened. I'm still trying, though.), but instead, I will be writing about my OC's backgrounds and uploading their "Origin stories" as separate chapters. I just felt like my OCs feel too 2D, and I want to add depth of character.

Also, I MADE A NEW EMAIL ACCOUNT AND PROFILE ON GOOGLE+, JUST FOR YOU GUYS!

You know why?
BECAUSE, I FUCKING GOT THE SIMS 4.
"What does that have to do with anything?" You ask? Why, I'll tell you!
I had the brilliant idea of making my OCs... in TS4! You can now see what they look like!

All you have to do is go on Google+ and search "Rachel O'Donoghue Agent California". I'm the Sim with the skull candy t-shirt and the blue highlights.

Happy hunting :D