Chapter Twenty-Eight
Subject One
The last time I had seen Jane in person we had been kids, playing in a park for her birthday. Her parents had been kind, teasing us for stealing cookies and talking with my parents. Mom had gotten into a heated conversation with the parents of the bullies Jane had protected me from. Dad and Uncle John pretended to be criminals so Jane and I could be good cops who caught them. Aunt Hannah had snuck me an extra fruit cup when Mom wasn't looking, and promised me another later if I kept it our little secret.
It had been a day of laughter and celebration, the last happy memory of my family, and even it was tarnished by Cerberus. Because I had seen them, lurking in the distance, waiting to steal me away. Cerberus had taken everything from me; my family, my memories, my life.
But today I finally got something back.
Everyone had left, Miranda and Oriana scooting out as quickly as they could when Jane arrived. The doctor had checked on me briskly, told me to call if I needed help, and left as well. Jane and her asari companion had barely entered the room, eyes wide as moons. It made me feel a bit better that she was as uncertain and stunned as I was. She had turned to the beautiful asari and given a small nod, signaling her to leave.
"It's really you," Jane whispered at last as the door shut behind who I suspected was Liara T'Soni given the vids I'd seen. Pretty sure most of them included the two getting romantic so it stood to reason there was a bit of truth in them.
"Yeah," I croaked, somewhere between stunned horror and overwhelming joy. What if she was angry? What if she rejected me, didn't believe it after all? "It's me."
Jane crossed the medbay to my bed, stopping at the edge with uncertainty. "Can I… Can I hug you?"
By the goddess… "Please!" I threw my arms open as wide as I could, cringing at the twinge of pain in my right one. Jane swept down into my arms, holding me so tight it hurt. But this was a pain I was fine with, one worth shouldering. My eyes burned as I wept, clutching Jane as tightly as I could in my weakened state. It was really her, after all this time, it was her!
She pulled back and wiped tears of her own, a broad smile on her freckled face, I could see bags beneath her green eyes, a weariness to her frame that was unmistakable, but the joy on her face was equally undeniable. She was as happy to see me as I was her. She cupped my face, taking me in, struggling to find words just like I was.
What did you say to the cousin you'd lost almost twenty years ago? I didn't have a damn clue. A giggle bubbled out of me, infecting Jane with her own laughter. She pressed our brows together, and then pulled me in for another hug. "I've missed you so much," she whispered.
"I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault," she dismissed easily, firmly. Even knowing that, a part of me still felt guilty. Almost as if I should have been able to get away sooner at the least. "Miranda… she filled me in on the details."
"That woman sure knows a lot," I snickered.
"More than either of us that's for damn sure," Jane laughed back. She finally stepped back to about an arms length away, nearly bumping one of the many machines connected to me. She wiped her face dry again with the rolled up sleeve of her blue Alliance fatigues. She looked good in them, a bubble of joy filling me at the sight. It would have hurt to see her in a Cerberus uniform after all this.
"I- I'm sorry I don't really know what to say."
"Neither do I," I admitted. "I definitely dreamed of this moment but none of this is according to my plans."
The corners of her mouth curled, like a cat ready to pounce. It was the same smirk she had as a kid. "Oh yeah? What grand plans did you have in mind?"
"Well at least three of them involved ambushing you on the Citadel, which I realized were probably a bad idea. This… isn't the kind of thing you spring on somebody."
"No it certainly isn't," Jane replied, shaking her head. "What else?"
"I was gonna send an email when the extranet existed again. I wrote a couple drafts even but… hard to find the words." I looked down at my bandaged hands, shame mixing with all the joy. "I'm sorry I didn't try to contact you."
"It would've been incredibly dangerous with Cerberus. They're already spying on me for what I've done, I'm sure they've got extra eyes looking out for a runaway." She took one of my hands, squeezing it firmly. I suddenly felt like a little kid again. "It's not your fault Cerberus took you, and it's okay you didn't reach out. I just wish I could have done something to help but I'm here now."
I stared at her. All the stories I'd heard, all the books and vids, they were true. Jane really was the epitome of goodness. There was a galactic war going on, she was hunting down a Cerberus assassin and she no doubt had a billion things going on yet here she was; with me, somebody who didn't matter in the grand scheme of things. I wasn't going to make a difference in this war. I was selfish, and even if I had a damn good reason for it there wasn't anything I was going to change. Did I have any right to steal her from the galaxy, even for a moment?
Stop it. She chose to come see me, I didn't force her to and I've literally wanted this for months. I forced those intrusive thoughts into a deep closet and locked them away. Enjoy just one moment please!
"Jane…" I whispered, voice raw. "There's nothing you could have done. You were a kid just like me."
"I know," Jane admitted. "Mom and Dad did what they could to comfort your parents but…"
I pulled back, pressing into the medical bed. "I can't imagine what that felt like." I had thought about it a few times, when my mind would wander back to my family, wondering if they we're doing alright. They all went on to have prestigious careers in the Alliance at least, I'd learned that much. What she said next broke my heart.
"Uncle Connor tried to kill himself a year after you were taken. Aunt Isabella found him before… before he could do it but… he was never the same."
Nothing I had ever learned pointed to that, no indication my father had spiraled mentally. He had… he tried… I gripped the sheets. I couldn't have heard her right, it was just the meds. Then I met her green eyes, pain and sincerity swimming in them. It was true. She had said that. "Is… is he okay now? Do you know where my parents are in this war?"
Jane covered her mouth and stepped away. My heart quickened, beeps rising next to me. "Jane?" She still wasn't looking, turning away entirely. "Jane please- do you know anything?"
She struggled to speak, mouth moving quietly, tears brimming. No no no. Her voice came raw and wounded, "He died last week…" No. "So did your mom." No. "They were defending one of our outer colonies from the reapers and were overwhelmed. No contact has come from the colony since."
NO!
Everything twisted, blackness filling my burning vision. My chest tightened, the machine next to me was screaming, my hands clenched the sheet until it hurt. I hunched over, a scream ripping out of my throat. They were dead! They never even got to know I was alive! That idyllic dream I had of us all one day reuniting and being a family again torn away and cast into the galaxy like stardust. The medbay became a void of nothingness, the equipment and Jane sucked away as if a black hole had manifested itself in the room. I felt my body lift from the bed and get devoured by the singularity.
What was the point of anything then, if they were gone? All I wanted was to reunite with my family, all of who I considered family. Marco, Aria, Jane, Mom, Dad, Aunt Hannah and Uncle John; they were all family to me.
The idealized dream of reuniting with them was gone. It, along with everything else, was an impossibility now. I had always intended on returning to Aria but some part of me yearned for that chance to at least meet my parents, to know them as real people and not faded memories of a stolen child. To be able to stand before them and say I had survived despite it all, that they didn't have to be sad anymore and it was all going to be okay. I'd doubted that they'd like me working for a pirate all that much but it was better than me being dead right? They'd have accepted me with open arms just like Jane, we'd cry and laugh and everything would be better now. We'd be a family again. But now that was never going to happen.
All because of the reapers.
I sought them out. Every nerve within my body burned, the darkness not a cold void but instead a burning inferno. The Voice stirred from where it slept as I raced towards it, words incomprehensible even to me spilling from my mouth, a scream of raw emotion announcing my presence. The Voice was like a parasite, massive silvery tendrils spreading throughout my mind as it tried to steal control from me. It crooned, delighting that I would come to it instead of push it away, its maw opening and the only light within the void spread over me.
It was almost angelic, as if Heaven's doors had opened up and were inviting a sinner like me in. I could hear other voices coming from it, dancing through the thick air like flower petals. Voices from deep within my memories, soft and distant. Mom and Dad. They curled around me, nuzzling against my ears, whispering that I just needed to take their hands and we'd all be together again.
How dare they! How dare they try to use them against me like this! Did it think I would join it to be with them? Was that its hope? Their revolting plan only made my heart beat quicker, a war drum echoing in my ears at this point, and energy roll down my spine. Fire in my blood, lightning in my bones; I screamed with everything I had and cast the Voice out. I would never yield to them.
Never.
It rumbled with annoyance, vibrating in that mental space I'd found myself within and a singular dirge blasted against me. I was an insect compared to it, an ant beneath its foot, weak and pathetic- no no no! They were not having their way with me, no matter how hard they tried! NO! I screamed. I cried. I floated in that space like a child throwing a tantrum yet some part of me felt jubilation. I was facing this demon if it was the last thing I did.
The Voice was a monster. It was a sick, parasitic disease that crept inside of you through the smallest of cracks and I unfortunately was shattered glass pieced back together. There was a million and one things it could point out as flawed, and most I'd even agree with. But when it offered to fix them, to make me whole and improved, I could taste the cold cruelty it spoke with beneath the sweet nothings. It was all a lie, a trick, a means to make me submit all the easier. I wasn't going to fall for it.
What I wanted was a family, to be loved and feel as if I belonged. They took that chance away just like Cerberus had. The Voice whispered I would always belong with them, I would always have a family trillions big. Eventually every sentient being would be part of it, according to the Voice. We'd all celebrate at our ascension and rejoice in the pure logical glory of the Voice.
What a load of bullshit.
I couldn't beat it, I knew that much, but one day I was going to tear this filth out and be free. Somehow they'd get beat, Jane would beat them, and they'd pay for taking my family from me and driving me to the brink. I just hoped I could see it when she did.
Something was shaking me, drawing me out of the abyss and into reality. The Voice snarled with frustration but didn't follow as my vision cleared. It was still dark, emergency lights casting an orange hue in the medbay from the wall. Jane held me on the bed, almost pinning me. She was shouting something but everything felt muffled. What was she saying? A couple shapes moved in the dark, Miranda? I was cold, the arm the IV was connected to was almost numb, something frozen crawling through my veins.
"Michelle!" The desperate scream slammed into me, hearing returning with a painful ringing noise. Ow. "Please come back please!"
I blinked, a groan slipping through. "Jane?"
"Oh thank god," she whispered, lowering herself to hug me. "Are you okay?"
"What- What happened to the lights?"
"You did," Miranda's voice came from the side. Jane pulled back, even in the emergency lights I could barely pick out the details of her face. "Like you did on the Citadel."
Shit. "I'm so sorry Jane, did I damage the ship?"
"We're fine, the engineers stabilized the engine," she reassured, wiping her eyes. "The powers back on but… you blew the lights out in here."
"Fuck- I didn't mean to I'm so sorry. I don't really have control of my powers, especially when…" When I don't have control of my emotions. I was one hurt feeling away from killing them all. I was nothing but a liability. "I'm so sorry." The words felt lame with how much I'd said it, but I didn't know what else to say. I'd damaged her ship and nearly got them killed! What if the engine had gone critical? What if-
"Michelle."
I blinked at Jane, sorrow just visible in green eyes. A rock fell in my stomach. "I can't stay here."
She grimaced. "I don't think you can either. Our mission is too critical to add extra risks, as much as I wish you could join us."
"If you encountered a reaper I can't trust myself to not try and kill you," I admitted, "I tried more than once with Miranda." I just barely caught her rub her neck in the din, the doctor next to her. Someone else was on the other side of the bed, head crest catching the edges of light. Liara? The heart machine was quiet, the low drone of the spaceship replacing its constant rhythm.
Jane pulled away, sitting on the edge of the bed, face still turned to me. If only I could see her face, if her brow was furrowed or lips a thin line. I couldn't make anything out from that distance in the dark. "Where would you go?"
"The Citadel I guess. Wherever Aria T'Loak is, I need to be there."
"Aria?"
"Did Miranda not mention that part?"
She shook her head. "She told me about what Cerberus did to you, and that you escaped."
"Aria seemed to be on the bottom list of everything else she needed to know," Miranda chimed in.
"I guess that's fair." I shifted upright, head swooning. The weight in my chest hadn't shifted. "I guess though… there's nowhere else I can go now." My parents were dead. I was too dangerous to be around Jane and her mission was far too important. Miranda would never let me near her again now that Oriana was with her and she had every right. If she stuck with Jane that wouldn't matter anyways. There was nothing for me but Aria and Marco.
Doctor Chakwas flicked a switch and a battery powered lamp came on, painfully bright in the darkness. "You need to go to Omega then," Jane said, almost silhouetted now. Everyone else was more visible however, Liara drawing closer and putting a hand on Jane's shoulder. Yup they were definitely a couple.
"Uh- Cerberus has control of it."
"Not as of last week."
My mouth made funny shapes as I tried to find my voice, a croak escaping before anything comprehensible did. "What?"
"I helped her take it back last week, give or take a few days. She asked me to assist her back on the Citadel, and reclaiming it struck a serious blow against Cerberus," Jane said, standing up and moving to where I could see her properly. "It was a rough battle but we won in the end. I'm a bit surprised she didn't mention you. We spoke often at that nightclub she was staying at on the Citadel too."
Liara gave Jane a withering look. "How often were you sober when you two chatted?"
"I was on that couch only once Hun," Jane defended. Liara seemed unconvinced.
Guess I couldn't expect her to bring me up, Aria definitely loved keeping things compartmentalized. Still, she could have introduced us when I was last there if Jane was on the station! It kind of hurt to think she'd just acted like I didn't exist, even if Aria was a secretive person. Did she feel it wasn't her place? Maybe...
Dr. Chakwas frowned. "What's your relationship to her? Are you part of her gang?"
My mouth grew dry. "Uh, well yeah. And I'm kinda her girlfriend? I mean we've never used the term but-"
"You're what?" Jane balked.
"Yeah?"
She blinked. Dr. Chakwas looked at me as if I had a second head. Even Miranda, who I'd expressed that fact to before, seemed a bit taken off-guard. "Well damn cus, gotta admit I didn't expect that."
"I mean, just look at me. Do I look like the kind of person Aria would want to be with?" I gestured at myself, heart aching. "I'm damn lucky she even gave me the time of day. She's whole galaxies out of my league." What did she even see in me? Sometimes I thought maybe she'd only started our relationship to keep a closer eye on me, but that was ridiculous. Aria T'Loak had plenty of people who could have kept watch over me back on Omega, but then I suppose when I left unless she had manipulated me into falling for somebody else the same drive bringing me back to her wouldn't have existed.
Was that why she didn't say it that day? Was that surge of emotions through the bond not her denying she had feelings because Aria refused to get so emotional and attached, or something else? Was I just a love drunk fool? Even if I knew I was going to love her and follow her, at some point it'd be nice to know if she felt the same. If I was fooling myself or not.
"Well I think you're a catch," Miranda put in, drawing me out of the worsening thoughts. I could just see a gentle smile, a certain honesty in her eyes. "When you're not insane at least."
"Aria is definitely quite a woman," Jane chuckled, "but if you've got the Shepard charm like the rest of us, I can't be too surprised."
"I'm sorry, the what?"
Jane gave me a toothy grin, and leaned back into Liara who chuckled thickly. "I guess you never would have heard the stories, but our dads were quite the player's back in their day. Ladies love Shepards."
"Careful Love, I might get jealous," Liara purred.
Jane tilted her head back and smiled at Liara. "Awh you know you're the only one for me, no doubt in my mind." They shared a tender kiss, an ache forming in my chest. I doubted Aria would ever be so gentle with me, at least in public like this.
Fuck.
Stop being such an idiot. That was just the paranoia the reapers wanted me to believe, to split me apart from my support network. Aria was complicated and beautiful and cared in her own ways. She had wanted me to stay on the Citadel, to be with her, and I was the one who left. She wanted me there. She gave me the ship so I could be safe, and protected Marco. So stop being such a fucking idiot.
Everyone was staring at me.
"Michelle?" Jane asked, fear on the edge of her voice. "Are you okay?"
"Not really," I said honestly. "Sorry."
She took one of my hands, feeling strange through the bandages wrapping them. "What do you need me to do?"
"Let me go to Omega. If I can get off at the next relay, take my ship and go… then maybe I'll be okay. I can't stay with you, and I have to get to Aria. I promised her I'd go back after this thing with Miranda."
"You can barely fly though," pointed out Miranda.
Jane gave me a skeptical look. "Is that true?"
"Yeah… I'm good with computers, not so much ships. I know the basics and Miranda tried to teach me but I almost crashed us." I scratched the back of my neck with my free hand, trying to avoid her judging frown. I accidentally brushed the surgical scar back there from one of my implants, a jolt running down my spine. Every inch of my body was crawling, like bugs beneath my skin. I wanted to claw them out. They're not real.
"I can't let you leave and crash yourself three minutes out. I can send one of my crew with you."
"What?"
"I've got a few trained pilots, if I asked for a volunteer I'm sure somebody I can spare would be willing."
I frowned. "I feel like that violates some sort of rules about using your crew for personal reasons."
Jane however, waved my concern off. "Your presence is a danger and threat, however I'm not just going to boot you out with no way to get somewhere safe. They'll go with you, I'll give them leave so they can enjoy… Omega, and then arrange for pickup once everything has settled. Simple enough."
"I guess that works, thank you."
Jane smiled and squeezed my hand. "Anything for family." I wanted to cry again. Instead I pulled her into a tight hug, trying to get the words caught in my throat out. She held me just as tight. A million and one chances we'd reunite, and Jane just had to be this perfect, caring, heroic person. Maybe I was lucky after all, at least just a little.
When she pulled back, there was something stirring in my chest. Hope? Maybe. Hadn't really felt it in some time. It was… nice. "How long until we hit that relay?"
"A day or so. You were out for a good while."
"Oh wow, only a day. How does that feel like so long and only a breath away at the same time?"
Jane smiled and it was absolutely infectious. Something about her made the pain lessen, that hope and joy of reunion overwhelming everything else. Goddess how I had missed her. "Because you want to hang out with your super awesome cousin yeah?"
Chuckling, I fixed her with as jovial a smile. My parents were gone, but I'd not known them since I was a child. It was a fantasy, an idea I had of them and what we would have. They had loved me, I knew that much, but my love in return felt… different. I was grieving the idea of them, really, my hopes of what we could one day have. I was always going to miss them, ghosts of what could have been lingering around me, whispers and fleeting thoughts. But with Jane, I could actually have something, actually have a chance at joy, of a relationship with my family.
I needed to focus on here and now.
On Jane.
"Definitely." I glanced to Miranda, who arched a brow "Maybe we could all hang out? Talk, catch up… Have some honest to goodness fun?"
"Really? You sure you don't want me crashing the fun with Jane?"
"I can share," I reassured her. "And you're my friend."
Miranda smiled, genuine and true. It was absolutely beautiful. "I would love to."
"Liara? I'd love to get to know you too."
The blue asari gave me a pleased smile, nodding her head. She had markings like eyebrows and freckles across her face that crinkled adorably with her smile. I could see why Jane liked her. "It would be an honor. I hope maybe after all this we could be family."
"Oh?" I teased, Jane's face flushing. "Now I definitely need to get to know you."
