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I needed fresh air, the house was chaotic. My head was chaotic. I didn't know how to feel, how to wrap my head around the situation. I know I was thinking like a child, a jealous child at that but it just worried me. The whole situation worried me when I should be ecstatic and congratulating my big brother, all I was able to do was smile a little, offer a hug and run out of the door. I had walked farther than I had meant to, I was half way to the beach by the time a car finally pulled alongside me and as I turned to look my already jumbled head turned even more to mush and my heart began changing its panicked beat to a nervous one. The smile that flashed at me from the drivers seat was too perfect and gleaming white for me to ignore and my body stopped and hopped in as he leaned over and opened the door for me.
"You really need to stop running off Savannah"
"Or maybe you really need to stop finding me Paul" I whispered as I buckled myself in and my stomach did a jolt of excitement, his chuckles causing them.
"I can't do that"
I glanced across as his truck swung into motion, not turning around like I thought it would but carrying on through the bendy road toward the beach I so craved right now. It was such a clear, peaceful place I was sure it would offer clarity to the thoughts rushing through my head.
"Why not?" I focused on him, his hands gripping the leather steering wheel tightly as he sped up.
"It can be dangerous out here, especially now you are part of the pack, you are more prone to" He stopped and his jaw began twitching uncomfortably, I cocked my head to the side watching him. Part of the pack, he thought of me as part of the pack. My heart did a flutter and he glanced across at me, still uncomfortable as he did so. "Our smell lingers on you; if our enemies are out here then you would draw them to you more so than anyone else. I'm just saying you need to be more careful" His twitching jaw settled and he relaxed against his seat again.
"So because I'm part of the safest group of people possible to be around I am at more risk of getting hurt" He nodded and I let out a breathy laugh "You realise that makes absolutely no sense right?"
"It makes no sense but it's true, we just want to keep our girls safe and so you can't just go running off when you get upset"
"But you always seem to be around, I don't think I would ever be in danger of being hurt here not when I'm so easily found by you" I coughed out after a few minutes of silence and his truck pulled up to the empty beach, the waves crashing against the sandy shore that was littered with drift wood and tree trunks that had been marked out from bonfires held here. Paul glanced at me, a little smirk playing his face as he hopped from the truck.
"You don't like listening much do you?"
"Not really no" I smiled back at him before jumping out. The mess of thoughts in my head had calmed down since jumping into his truck and I realised that for the first time in the last hour I felt ok, my stomach wasn't in twisted knots of sickness and I wasn't chewing on my lip to the point it bled.
I fell into step beside him, walking over the drift wood and grass banks until we hit the sand and my feet sunk downwards. It was a cold day, mirroring my cold mood after the explosion of information overload from Sam. I shivered as we walked; I was in three quarter length yoga pants and a crop top that fell off my shoulder as well as not covering my stomach. I hadn't been well equipped for the news, I was expecting a lazy Sunday but I didn't get one. Paul was watching me, his eyes travelling me up and down as I shivered, he didn't even have a jacket to offer me.
"Are you ok?" He asked finally as I stepped onto a large fallen tree trunk and hovered on one foot, balancing as best I could before hopping off. I gave a shrug, I was probably over reacting but the news had scared me. "You can tell me you know, I won't run off and tell Sam or Emily that you don't like their little cub or that you won't baby sit" Paul went on and a smile etched at the sides of my mouth, shaking my head I looked up at the tall guy beside me.
"I never said any of that"
"Then why have you got a face on you as if somebody just smacked you in it?"
"Are you trying to say I look grumpy?" I turned to him, my body stopping its walk as I took him in and he started laughing, his hand came out and his index finger poked softly at the side of my mouth causing my stomach to involuntarily jerk while my shivering body soaked up the warmth he offered.
"No, but a smile wouldn't go a miss. You look upset, you looked upset and then you left, I just thought maybe you weren't happy about it"
I shot him my best smile and he rolled his eyes, he had been in a nicer mood with me since he spilled about his family. It was like he felt easier around me, he just talked to me like I was one of the others and I liked it.
"What's wrong?"
His question made my mind drift to the happenings of this morning, everyone was gathered around as I made my way down for breakfast. Not that I had eaten breakfast, they interrupted me with their news. The wedding was off, for now anyway, mainly because they needed the extra funds but also because Emily didn't want to be a pregnant bride. Pregnant. She was three months pregnant, in six months, around October to be exact, a baby would be born. No, not a baby, two babies. It was twins. Twins who would need the room I was in, the small house would get smaller and there would be no room for the homeless sister. I sounded selfish, I sounded pathetic even to myself but as soon as I realised the words, I'm pregnant, and what they meant all I could do was panic and so I left. I was getting used to it here, it was feeling more and more like home every day. I was finally comfortable with these people, they were my friends even Paul and now, now these babies could mean I didn't have that. Sam wouldn't want me around, he had a family to start and I was in the way.
"It's stupid" I waved Paul off and went about walking again, my arms folded across my stomach trying to keep the cold wind from hitting me as we walked toward the water rolling in against the damp sand. I looked out toward James' Island, the birds flocking around it as the sun broke out through the grey clouds. It was so serene here, so peaceful and perfect.
"Try me"
I glanced up at Paul, he was watching me with interest like he actually wanted to know. It confused me how one person could go from being so guarded and uncaring one minute to so heart felt the next, I saw the good guy in him but there was the other side that scared me still. I always worried I would say the wrong thing and lose whatever relationship we had.
"Friend's tell each other things, your words not mine" He offered as I said nothing and I found myself smiling, I guess I had said that.
"Ok, I just, I, you, you're going to laugh at me for being so ridiculous" I paused and started walking again, the sound of the birds calling overhead drowned out the silence between us. I stopped only when we hit the water's edge, the cold sea water gliding over my sandal clad feet before running back out again. "He won't want me anymore" I let out and my eyes narrowed, the sea was bobbing up and down in rough waves and I focused on them.
"What?"
"Sam, and Emily I guess, they have the babies on the way and I'll be in their way. Their house isn't big enough and I'm using the only spare bedroom. I'll have to leave right as I am beginning to fall in love with this place, I mean who wants their kid sister taking over their house when they have new babies and a fiancé to take care of" I looked at the guy beside me, his eyebrows were knitted together but he looked amused. He was staring at me like I was stupid. "See I said you would think I was ridiculous, I sound like the spoilt child afraid her daddy won't love her anymore" I rose a hand to slap myself on the forehead but Paul's shot out grabbing my wrist and pulling me around to face him, I dropped my head though. I couldn't face how ridiculous I sounded.
"You know he wouldn't kick you out"
"I know, I'm not saying he would kick me out but it's going to be tight and I'll be in the way. I'm excited don't get me wrong, the idea of being an aunt is amazing and I am so happy for them but I don't want to be in their way. They should start family life as a family not with a homeless teen in their house, it's not even like I have college to escape to for a few years"
"Sam will figure it out, he wants you there"
He was suddenly short in his words, his body fell back to being stiff and he began walking along the water's edge down the beach, there were a few people out walking or playing with children but it was a quiet beach. Paul was right, Sam wouldn't just kick me out but I was worried, I didn't want to get in the way of Sam's life starting.
"So you aren't going to college?" The question came after five minutes of silence and I sat myself down, my legs not wanting to walk much farther. Paul sat beside me, his body leaving a gap big enough for another wolf to sit between us. He was gripping his hands together in his lap so tightly they were turning chalk white. I shook my head then shrugged, I wanted to go to college but I had only applied to one and I was no way good enough to get in.
"I didn't really apply anywhere but there is a dance school I wanted to go to, I applied for a summer programme there but I haven't received anything back, I'm probably not good enough for dance school" My eyes focused on the water playing against the sand in front of me, my hands drawing circles on the moist ground beneath me as I spoke. I wanted to dance, it was all I ever wanted but now my dreams seemed hopeless. Paul just nodded, his eyes trained at the water in front of us, his jaw tight and his posture stiff.
"What about you? Didn't you ever want to go to college?" I watched him, his body shook for a second before falling still and he gave me a nod back, his hands loosening and he grabbed for a stick from nearby before beginning to break it into pieces.
"Yeah I got in, I was all set to go and then the wolf and everything else happened so I couldn't, I can't" He sounded sad, I could tell it was regret for him. He was so smart; I knew it because I had seen it. Not just at math but at other things, some of the things he said or did, he had a brain but he didn't get a chance to use it.
"You shouldn't let the wolf stuff hold you back"
"It's not just the wolf stuff, I can't leave my dad or" He stopped and looked at me, briefly taking me in before staring back out at James' Island. "It's just not meant to work that way for me, my life is here" He didn't want it to be.
"You can't know it's not meant to work that way unless you try Paul, I always thought my life was Chicago but I think I'm doing pretty well here" I tried smiling at him but he didn't tear his eyes from the island in front of us. "What would you want to do?"
He looked at me now, a smile crossing his lips. "I'm a nerd, I wanted to major in Mechanical Engineering and build rockets" I looked at him, a surprised smile crossing me. Rockets, like space ships. "Maybe not rockets, as a kid it was rockets but then I wanted to go into the military like my dad but on more of a I would design the equipment to keep them safe, I could design their planes but I could build rockets for NASA too I suppose"
"It's your dream, it matters. I think you could do it, you should do it. You're smart enough to go to college, you would ace Physics, you could be the next" I stopped, racking my brain trying to think of a scientists name but I couldn't think of one. All I could think of was the Big Bang Theory. "Sheldon Cooper?" I offered sheepishly, he burst out laughing, his huge body shaking as he looked down at me. "What?" It wasn't that funny.
"I think you'll find it's Howard that's in mechanical engineering not Sheldon" He calmed down, his eyes were still a light with the fire they flamed in when he laughed and my heart began thudding harshly. He watched the Big Bang Theory, I didn't see him as a TV guy. He seemed more of a football, or late night cartoon guy.
"Either way, both scientists of sorts right?" He made a scrunched up face at me and chucked his head from side to side. "I'm just saying that you could do it, if it's what you've dreamed of then why not? I mean you got accepted to college so"
"That was years ago, I have too much going on here now and I can't leave my dad. Where did you want to go anyway? Julian?"
I looked at him; I knew I looked confused, I felt confused. What the hell and who the hell was Julian?
"The school, I don't know they dance there don't they?"
My head fell into a nod as I realised what he meant and I gave my own little laugh. "Juilliard?" He nodded at me and I smiled. "It sounds cliché, a dancer wanting to go to Juilliard but" I shrugged and my heart beat picked up again this time at the thought of the school.
"I was right?"
"Yes, sort of. I mean I did a summer dance programme there last year and I applied for this year but you have to audition and I've heard nothing back so I didn't get in. I was hoping I could get in for another summer programme but" I shrugged again "I'm not a good enough dancer, ballet although is the core of what I do it's not my strong point, there's a lot I'm not confident in and I doubt they would take an average student over an advanced one" I looked back at Paul, there was a look in his eyes as he watched me talk. I loved talking about Juilliard, it had been my mom's dream to go there and then mine, but it wouldn't come true for either of us.
"You are hardly an average dancer" His voice was low as if whispering and his hands clenched together again as he spoke. I felt myself grow hotter and a spark ran through me causing me to shiver as I looked at the guy in front of me.
"You don't know how I dance, I could look like Claire does when she tries" I whispered back, my voice not able to reach its full volume as I locked eye contact with Paul. He shook his head, his teeth coming out to bit his bottom lip causing my stomach to flip. He was too much sometimes, I didn't understand why but he was.
"You're brother is very proud of you" He looked at me like I should know what that meant, I didn't. I just stared at him running his words through my head for a few minutes. It finally clicked and I cursed Sam. He had shown Paul.
"Oh god, he's been showing you?"
Paul's body shook again as he chuckled. "Not really, Seth wouldn't shut up about you not showing him your moves and it got to the point everyone including Leah wanted to kill Seth so Sam showed them a clip"
"Them?" I repeated and he shrugged again, them meant not him.
"Well, I hadn't been there but I wanted to see too, I mean you saw me playing guitar so it was only fair"
"You searched for me on YouTube? I think that could count as stalking" I shook my head into the palms of my hands, I hated being showed off. My mom used to do it and now Sam. I wasn't even that good.
"Not stalking, friendly investigating"
I had to laugh at that, friendly investigating. That so meant stalking. I looked up at him as he towered over me, even sat down his body shadowed over mine. "Whatever, all I'm saying is I didn't get in, nor will I ever"
"But you think I'm smart enough to go to college and do Mechanical Engineering but you aren't talented enough to go and do dance?"
"Exactly, I mean I've seen you when you use your brain and it's a smart brain. My body doesn't work anymore" I shrugged at him and he gave me a frown although he seemed amused.
"When I use my brain? So I'm not using my brain all the time?"
"Sometimes you make stupid decisions" I blurted out and his eyebrows shot up while I slapped my hand over my mouth. I did not know him enough to say this.
"Oh really?" He questioned but I didn't reply. "What stupid decisions do I make?"
He watched me, he wasn't letting his go and so with my face blushing I readied myself to answer. "Sometimes you just umm, you can be a little argumentative, you fight with everyone a lot including Sam. And sometimes you can be sort of umm you say things and you can sound like a uhhh like a uhhh ass I guess and you follow girls you barely know around the woods" I stuttered, I didn't want to say all this to him he would get angry.
He watched me, I wasn't sure what he would react like but after a few minutes he nodded. "I would actually say the one not using their brain would be the girl who got herself lost in the woods but if that's how you see it"
"I didn't even mean it like that I meant use your brain when you help with my homework, especially math and physics, I suck at math and science yet you seem to do it like it's no problem. I meant that you are smart, you could go to college and ace it and be working for NASA in no time" I whined a little and he nodded at me again, a small slice of amusement on his face.
"Like you could ace dance school and be doing whatever it is dance graduates do in no time" He paused and looked at me, a little puzzled as he took me in. "What do dance graduates do? I sound like an ass again don't I?"
"No, it's fine" I cut over him as he turned back to the water. He wasn't being an ass; I hadn't a clue what mechanical engineers did either before he mentioned it. "They can do whatever really I mean they can dance for worldwide dance companies, performing art companies, go into theatre, dance schools, dance instructors, choreography. Me personally, I don't want to go performing in different cities every week or become part of a theatre group, I just want to teach dance. Make people fall in love with it like I did, maybe open up my own studio and build a name for myself that way. My mom would have loved me up on the stage every night and I think it would be amazing to do but I don't like travelling and being away from home" I paused and picked up a handful of sand before letting it fall through my fingers. "I wouldn't ace dance school, I can't dance remember"
"Oh yeah your body doesn't work anymore" Paul sounded sarcastic as he said it and I peered up at him. "I once thought I wouldn't be able to play or write music again but I am, you have to find what makes you want to do it, get over what stopped you" I frowned a little taken aback by the kindness and maturity to Paul's words. He was rarely this way around the pack, only I got to see these snippets of Paul Lahote, at least I hoped it was just me. I liked this Paul; I was greedy with this Paul.
"Did you? Find what made you want to do it again? Your inspiration?" I questioned and his body went stiff, taking in a big breath as he watched me he turned and looked at the water before letting the air back out of his lungs.
"Yeah, I think I have"
He didn't seem sure about it, he seemed pained.
"That's a good thing though right?"
He stayed staring at the ocean ahead of us, his jaw twitching as he gripped at a handful of sand.
"I'm not sure yet"
We stayed silent for what felt like forever, neither one of us saying or knowing what to say. After a few minutes he stood up, signalling for me to join him and I did. The ride back to Sam and Emily's was a quiet one, music hummed in the back ground behind us and I listened to it, I knew the song but I wasn't fully registering it. It was a beautiful love song but I just focused on the silence, it wasn't awkward but it felt unfinished, like something wasn't being said.
We pulled up outside the little house I was falling more and more in love with, the way it sat beneath the trees reminded me so much of the fairy tale stories I loved as a kid. A wave of calm rushed through me and I hopped out of the truck as Paul did, he met me on my side but made no movement to walk to the house with me instead he hovered by the tray of the truck and watched me. I didn't know what to say or whether he was coming in and so I simply went to walk away.
"Savannah" He called out stopping me and I turned to him too quickly, he was closer than expected and I stumbled back from the wall of heat that hit my cold body. "I just wanted to say about what you said earlier, me being an ass sometimes" His eyes darted from me to the trees around us nervously and my stomach plummeted in guilt.
"That was rude of me, I didn't mean it"
"No, you did" He cut me off but he didn't seem angry at me, he seemed angry but it wasn't aimed at me I don't think. "I can be, I know what I can be like and I want to be able to say I won't be like it again but I probably will" I found myself frowning up at him; I wasn't sure where this was going. He knew he was an asshole but he wouldn't stop being one. It made no sense. "I guess I just want to say sorry for how I've been in the past and sorry for anything I do in the future, I can be the world's biggest jerk sometimes and I know I can, I just hope that, I was just, I guess I was just. I mean to say that I'm glad we are friends"
I stared up at the man who suddenly seemed like a boy, he was fumbling with his words and he was nervous, he seemed guilty, sheepish and angry yet truthful. He seemed lonely, I don't know how I saw it but I felt that he was lonely, that he had no one he could talk to like he had done with me and my heart ached for him. He had friends, he was surrounded by them every day but I felt like it wasn't enough for him. I offered him a smile and nodded.
"I'm glad we are too, thank you for finding me earlier"
"It's ok just try listening to me this time and don't go running off again, I'll have to start charging for my services"
I would definitely pay for them.
Paul bit on his lip again, his body going rigid as he stared down at me. "I'll hold you to that, but seriously don't run off, please" He smiled again and my heart stopped beating as I realised he had heard me.
Shit. Had I said that out loud? Holy crap. He backed off and turned around leaving me stood staring after him in a flushed mess. I had said that out loud. I had said I would pay for him to find me out loud. What an asshole. I was an asshole. I watched in embarrassment as his truck reversed out of the yard and from sight, my body thumping as the blood pumped through me. I had said it out loud.
I buried my face in my hands and turned for the house, I cannot believe I said that out loud. Now he would think I was crushing on him or something.
I walked up the steps and into the house, Emily was spread out on the sofa with a magazine hanging over her face while Sam was lead on the floor with his head sticking in the cupboard under the stairs, his arms moving around with a screwdriver and a pile of tools scattered around him. Emily looked up at me, a cautious smile on her face as she saw me and I walked straight for my brother who propped himself up a little as I approached. Bending down to his height I leaned in and kissed his cheek, I was never affectionate with him but I felt guilty.
"Congratulations Sam, you'll be an amazing father and I'm really happy for you" I smiled the blush from Paul still on my cheeks as I looked at my brother covered in dust. He looked a little confused at first but he recovered and spoke back.
"Thank you"
I stood up and made my way for Emily who was sat upright, the magazine in her lap and I leant down to give her a swift hug. "Congratulations Em" She hugged me back and as I stood up Sam did too. He was still looking at me cautiously and he dropped the screwdriver on the kitchen table.
"You aren't upset?" I shook my head at him and his hand pointed to the door. "But earlier"
"Earlier I freaked out a little, it's a small house and I was worried I would get in the way and you wouldn't want me here, I'm sorry I left I really am happy for you both"
"Savannah, we will always want you here and there will always be room for you, me being pregnant doesn't change that. We would sort something out, this is your home" Emily offered and I glanced back down at her.
"I know, thank you Em" I walked for the stairs but Sam spoke stopping me.
"Where have you been?" He wasn't angry, he sniffed a little as I walked past and he seemed a little on edge but he gave a little smile as I looked at him.
"Just with a friend" Was all I said and my insides did a pathetic happy dance, I could actually call him my friend now. Sam gave a look to Emily but I didn't look at what she was doing, I needed to shower. I was cold and still blushing from my out loud thoughts earlier.
