I Remember Love

A Becoming Jane-story

By: jakeline

Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended.

Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite.

Author's note: Firstly; this chapter took a bit longer to write since I had to do some research regarding the funeral service and what that entails. If you still find things that you think are odd or not suitable for the period, I will call it artistic freedom. I have used the Book of Common Prayer as a starting point, using the section called 'At the burial of the dead'. Secondly; someone pointed out that Jane Austen dies in 1817. Perhaps more of you out there are worried that our heroine will die as she did in real life. But no, do not worry, my dears. In my AU-fic Jane Austen will not die. If she were to die the whole idea of my story is kind of wasted. Mary took Jane's place in heaven. Tom is not to be left again.

Part 28: In which Mrs Mary Paul Lefroy is buried

"You are aware, of course, of how highly unconventional it is for someone to read a letter during a funeral?" said Mr O'Reilly, the priest, to Tom the next day.

"I am aware of that. But I intend to honour my wife's wishes. I know you are aware of that there has been talk of Miss Austen and why she is presently in my house. This letter will clear her of any accusations," replied Tom sternly.

"Well then, in this particular case I will make an exception. But only because Mrs Lefroy asked me in person last time I spoke to her," the priest said.

"I am much obliged, Mr O'Reilly," said Tom with a slight bow of the head.

"May I read the letter before the sermon?" asked Mr O'Reilly.

"Of course," replied Tom. "I brought it with me to leave with you." Tom handed him Mary's letter.

"You have not read it?" Mr O'Reilly looked surprised to find the letter unopened.

"Mary asked me not to."

"I see."

"Is there anything else you need from me, Mr O'Reilly?" asked Tom. He was eager to leave and return to his family.

"No, I think that is all I need from you at this point, sir," the priest replied with a mild smile. Tom rose and shook his hand.

"Thank you for doing this for me and for Mary, Mr O'Reilly," Tom said.

"That is what I am here for, Mr Lefroy," said the priest and looked at Tom with reassuring brown eyes. Tom felt safe and trusted the man completely. Mr O'Reilly had been visiting Mary several times the weeks before her passing. He would know what she wanted if Tom did not.

-xxx-

"How did it go with the priest, Tom?" asked Jane Austen as she met him in the vestibule.

"Very well. He was most obliging," replied Tom with a relieved smile.

"Oh, good." Jane felt a bit of the tension that had been building up inside ease off. She longed for him to take her in his arms and hold her. Since Mary's parents short visit they had not been alone together at all. It was like a silent agreement between them that they remained cautious until after the funeral. Even if they knew how completely innocent their relationship was the rest of the village did not. The Pauls' hasty departure and sour faces had only caused more gossip to flourish. Jane could not believe some of the things people came up with. But as long they were talking about her she could handle it. She was not the first scandalized authoress in history. But when it came to Tom… She did not want him to be treated ill because of her.

"What are you thinking of, Jane?" Tom's voice woke her up from the dark thoughts.

"Oh, nothing, Tom," she replied and tried to smile reassuringly.

"I do not believe you. I have seen that face before. Are you worried, my dear?" Jane met his queering blue eyes.

"Only a little bit," she admitted. He took her hand and pressed it affectionately.

"I am sure everything will be fine after the funeral," said Tom.

"I wish I could be as certain," said Jane with a faint smile.

"I am sure Mary's letter will work wonders," said Tom.

-xxx-

Tom hated the worried look on Jane's face. It reminded him of the way she had looked at the inn before she left him. He knew she would not leave him again but he was still worried about her. Her eyes shone dark in her pale face. He could see that all the talk, how false it may be, was getting to her. He squeezed her hand once more and smiled encouragingly.

"I am sure Mary's letter will work wonders," said he. A small smile crept onto her face.

"Let us pray for that," said Jane and pressed his hand. He could see that some of the tension was wearing off. It gladdened him. He wanted to see her smiling and be happy.

"We shall conquer this," he smiled and brought her hand up to his lips to brush it gently with his lips.

-xxx-

The day of the funeral finally came. The day was gray and the rain hung midair as if the heavens would open its doors at any given moment. The church had been decorated with all of Mary's favourite flowers. Tom was happy to see so many friends and acquaintances there. It seemed as if all of Limerick had come to see Mary off to her final resting place. She had been very well liked in the county, helped out wherever she could, helping the poor and so on.

Mary's parents stood by the entrance to the church and shook hands with mourners showing their respect. Tom felt himself shrink at the sight of them. He met Mr Paul's ice blue gaze and looked away. He had not let them in on the part where Mary's letter was to be read during the service. They had no idea. He looked around in search of Jane Austen. She stood a bit to the side with the children around her.

All the Lefroy children were present but little George, who Tom had thought too young to attend the funeral. Jane smiled encouragingly and Tom returned it shakily. He was so glad that she was there to share this day with him. She was a support for both him and his children. He did not know how they would have survived without her by their side.

A heavy hand landed on his shoulder and brought him back to reality. He looked to his side and found his father standing next to him.

"Father!" Tom was happy to see him. He had been very helpful in the planning of the funeral, even though he had not been able to join them until this day.

"How are you, son?" His father's eyes shone brightly.

"As well as expected, I guess," replied Tom and pressed his father's hand affectionately.

"I know how you feel. I still miss your mother to this day," said his father and his blue eyes went sad.

"So do I." Tom walked slowly over to Jane and his children. "Father, there is someone I want you to meet."

"Is there?" Mr Lefroy looked at him.

"Yes," said Tom as he stopped in front of Jane. "May I present Miss Jane Austen? Miss Austen, this is my father, Mr Lefroy."

"A pleasure," said Jane with a curtsy.

"Indeed," replied Mr Lefroy with a quizzically look at Jane and then at Tom. Tom had no time to explain the connection further as the bell rang and it was time to enter the church. Tom and his father escorted his family inside. They were to enter last with Mary's parents. He could see the Pauls' disapproving glances towards Jane Austen, but Tom would not let them have their way. Mary had told him exactly how she had wanted it. Jane Austen was to be at Tom's side from this day forward.

It was with heavy steps and lowered heads the Lefroys, Pauls and Jane Austen entered the church to be seated in the front rows. Tom sat down with Anthony, Jane and Anne on his side and the Pauls seated themselves at the far end of that row, while Jane Austen, Mr Lefroy, Thomas and Jeffry seated themselves on the row behind them.

When all was seated the priest and the clerks walked down the aisle and the priest spoke: "'I am the resurrection and the life, saith the Lord: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: and whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die'," Mr O'Reilly reached the altar and turned around to look at the congregation with mild brown eyes. "'I know that my Redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth. And though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God: whom I shall see for myself, and mine eyes shall behold, and not another.'

"'We brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. The Lord give and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.'."

Tom let his mind wander vacantly as the first psalm was read. His eyes constantly fell on the coffin in the middle of the church, in front of the priest. In there lay his beloved wife. A tear freed itself from his eyelashes and rolled down his cheek. He could hear stifled sobs from all over the church. He took hold of his eldest daughter's hand and pressed it. He wanted it to be Jane Austen's hand but she was sitting on the row behind him with his father.

Another psalm was sung and soon Mary's letter was to be read. Tom felt a slight nervous flutter in his stomach. He was a bit anxious about the reactions the letter would bring. He expected the worst. But he was to stand tall and not budge. He knew Mary's parents would object, probably not out loud but with their eyes. And especially, they would voice their opinion after the sermon. He knew he could count on his father's support as well as Jane Austen's. His children would also stand by him. This is for you, Mary! Tom lifted his eyes to the ceiling when the psalm was sung. This is it.

"Before the lesson I have been asked by Mr and Mrs Lefroy that a letter from Mrs Lefroy be read," begun Mr O'Reilly. Tom could hear the congregation's ill-hidden gasps. "We are all aware of how unconventional this may be, but it was Mrs Lefroy's wish that the letter was read during her funeral." Mr O'Reilly looked out over the people in the church. "This is what Mrs Lefroy wrote in her letter, I will read it as it is written:

'Dear Sirs and Madams,

To begin with I want to assure you all that when I write this letter I am in full clarity and as sane as I have ever was. My life is now running away from me and when this letter is read I am no longer with you. I have asked both my husband and Mr O'Reilly to make sure this letter is read at my funeral.

I would like to take this opportunity, when I have everyone's unabated attention, to make my last wish known to the world.

By now I am sure some of you have received a letter from me. They were written just before I started writing this letter. This is not an easy task I assure you, but I believe I must explain my last wish and some of my recent actions.

As you all know I have invited an old acquaintance of my husband's to our house, a certain Miss Austen. My daughter met her briefly in London and found her vastly interesting and indeed an old close friend of her father's. Both Jane and my husband are admirers of Miss Austen's work, as am I. She is an authoress, I might add, of what, I will not tell you since she still wishes to remain anonymous.

It was my intention to make the old feelings between Miss Austen and my husband recur. I know the whole story of what happened just before and around Tom and mine engagement. In some way I feel I stole Tom from Miss Austen. Tom chose me; or rather Miss Austen made that choice for him. She let him choose the right path and not bring ruin to his family. For that I respect her immensely, it must have taken all her will power to leave the man she loved. I know she loves Tom as much as I do. And it is my last wish that they be together this time. Forever. In my last will and testament I leave Miss Austen my husband.

This has nothing to do with anybody else. No one has influenced me in any way. This is all my doing. This is what I want for my family.

Do not think ill of Miss Austen. She travelled from England under the pretence that she was to meet a dying admirer who wanted nothing else to meet her before she died.

Do not think ill of my sweet husband, Mr Tom Lefroy, he knew nothing of my match making scheme before Miss Austen arrived. They both tried to talk me out of the notion. Kept on telling my how highly inappropriate it was. But I knew my will was going to be done in the end.

All I want is for my family to be safe and in good hands. I do not wish for my children to grow up without a woman in their life. Female guidance for young women is essential, and I do not want them to grow up with several governesses that come and go. Miss Austen was my choice for my family. I know she will fill my shoes perfectly. I know that since I know for a fact we are the same size. (This brought on nervous laughter from the congregation.)

Tom and Miss Jane Austen, you hereby have my blessing.

Mr Barrington, our physician, can verify that I wrote this letter by myself and most willingly without anyone else in the room.

This, Sirs and Madams, is my final wish. I want Tom to marry Miss Austen as soon as propriety finds it acceptable.

God bless you all.

Mrs Mary Lefroy.' And that is what was in the letter," Mr O'Reilly finished and folded the sheets of papers. The church was dead silent. Nobody even stirred in their seats. Tom did not dare move his head to catch a glance of Mary's parents' expression. He knew they were in shock. Tom himself was shocked over how openly Mary had described her wishes and why. His daughter squeezed his hand encouragingly.

-xxx-

Jane Austen sat frozen. She had known Mary's letter would be read, but she had never expected what it would contain. There was in no way she could have even dreamed of Mary's openness and almost naive wish for her family's happiness and that everyone would think that her wish was to be followed.

Would that letter make the gossip end or flourish even more? Jane believed the latter to be more correct. At least the letter showed her innocence in the whole affair as well as Tom's. She discreetly glanced over at the Pauls and found them staring at the priest with blank eyes and mouths wide open in disbelief. Serves them right. House of sin, indeed.

Now everybody knew she and Tom had Mary's blessing. Jane could not concentrate on the lesson Mr O'Reilly held. Her thoughts wandered back and forth through a dark forest of worries and dreams.

She was brought back to reality when Tom, Mr Lefroy, Anthony and Mr Paul rose to carry the coffin outside to the graveyard. The two clerks helped them. Tom and Mr Paul were in front, Anthony and Mr Lefroy in the middle and the clerks at the back. Mr O'Reilly led the procession outside and the rest of the congregation followed.

As the coffin was made ready to be laid into the earth the priest spoke: "Man that is born of a woman hath but a short time to live, and is full of misery. He cometh up, and is cut down, like a flower; he fleeth as it were a shadow, and never continueth in one stay." The participants placed themselves around the coffin and the hole in the ground. Mr O'Reilly stood in front of the coffin. He continued: "In the midst of life we are in death: of whom may we seek for succour, but of thee O Lord, who for our since art justly displeased? Yet, O Lord God most holy, O Lord most mighty, O holy and most merciful Saviour, deliver us not into the bitter pains of eternal death. Thou knowest, Lord, the secrets of our hearts; shut not thy merciful ears to our prayer; but spare us, Lord most holy, O God most mighty, O holy and merciful Saviour, thou most worthy Judge eternal, suffer us not, at our last hour, for any pains of death, to fall from thee." One of the clerks took a small spade and handed it to Tom for him to use to cast earth upon the coffin. Mr O'Reilly continued: "Forasmuch as it hath pleased Almighty God of his great mercy to take unto himself the soul of our dear sister here departed, we therefore commit her body to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust; in sure and certain hope of the Resurrection to eternal life, through our Lord Jesus Christ; who shall change our vile body, that it may be like unto his glorious body, according to the mighty working, whereby he is able to subdue all things to himself." Jane felt tears roll down her cheeks and she grabbed hold of Thomas and Jeffry who stood next to her. They leaned towards her and she could hear their sniffles.

Everybody voiced in: "I heard a voice from heaven, saying unto me, Write, From henceforth blessed are the dead which die in the Lord: even so saith the Spirit; for they rest from their labours."

Mr O'Reilly started: "Lord, have mercy upon us." And the congregation repeated: "Christ, have mercy upon us." Mr O'Reilly repeated his sentence and then all joined in the Lord's Prayer.

"Our Father, which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy Name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, As it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, As we forgive them that trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation; But deliver us from evil. Amen." Jane closed her eyes. The tears kept on running down her cheeks.

"Almighty God, with whom do live the spirits of them that depart hence in the Lord, and with whom the souls of the faithful, after they are delivered from the burden of flesh, are in joy and felicity; We give thee hearty thanks, for that it hath pleased thee to deliver this our sister out of the miseries of this sinful world; beseeching thee, that it may please thee, of thy gracious goodness, shortly to accomplish the number of thine elect, and to hasten thy kingdom; that we, with all those that are departed in the true faith of thy holy Name, may have our perfect consummation and bliss, both in body and soul, in thy eternal and everlasting glory; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen." Mary's coffin was lowered into the earth. Jane let the single rose she was holding sail down onto the coffin. Mr O'Reilly read the collect, but Jane did not hear another word. All she could think of was the extraordinary woman who lay in that coffin. The world had truly lost one of their saints.

As the coffin found the bottom of the deep hole the heavens opened its restraints and let the world know how they grieved. Jane turned her face to the sky and let the soft rain cool off the hotness of her tear drenched face.

-TBC-

I hope I gave Mary the send off she deserves...