Foreign desires of unforeseen transformations
Chapter 29- Tormented dreams
Toothless walked back to the camp site and found Hiccup falling to sleep. His head was on his right fist and his left hand rested on the spit. He was meant to be turning the fish that Visskara had kindly provided to them that morning, but he had stopped. Deprived of sleep due to the dreams that plagued his unconscious mind, he hadn't been able to rest. When his hand fell, he jolted awake and started turning the fish again.
''You didn't sleep, did you?'' Toothless asked, as he sat down next to Hiccup and wrapped his right arm around him knowingly. Hiccup sighed slowly shaking his head in despair, and leaned into Toothless's comforting hold. Toothless placed his chin on Hiccup's head as he held him. He knew the dreams that troubled and tormented Hiccup's mind, and rightfully assumed why he hadn't slept. No words were necessary, and all Hiccup needed was for him to be there.
Hiccup would dream of his father's death and how he pushed Toothless away, but he never saved him from Drago, or the Bewilderbeast, out of anger, blame, and hate. His entire tribe and mother telling him. ''You failed him, you let him die, you don't deserve to be chief.'' His mother voice would echo along with his fathers, ''You're not my son''. His dreams would morph to the day Astrid died, blood soaking the blankets on the bed, dripping down the walls and pooling on the floor. Hiccup would rush to her side and squeeze her hand, begging her not to leave him, telling her she would be okay. Standing in a rising pool of blood with his hands and clothes covered in it, crying and begging, Astrid would look at him. ''You failed us. You don't deserve to be husband. You don't deserve to be a father. You're useless.'' He would be left looking at the cold, pale, dead corps of his wife soaked in blood. Disappointment frozen in her face staring at him and holding a dead Trid in her arms. Her last words revolved his mind. Again, his dreams would morph, this time to Berk the night Toothless died, the night Coaldron attacked. Screaming and searching for his dragon in the village, the villagers would tell him. ''Toothless is gone. You threw him away. You don't deserve to be a dragon rider!''. Tears streaming down his face, he would watch hopelessly as everyone in his village died. His mother would look over to him as she took her last breathes. ''You're nothing without him''. Alone, surrounded by death, blood and destruction, he would see the dead body of Toothless, lifeless on the ground. He would clutch at Toothless and bury his face into him, trying to hold onto the last one he had left. When he opened his eyes, he would be sinking into an ocean of blood, words revolving his head as he slowly drowned. ''You're not my son''... ''You failed him, you let him die, you don't deserve to be chief.''... ''You failed us all''... ''You don't deserve to be husband. You don't deserve to be a father.''... ''You're nothing without your dragon''... ''You're useless.''. Hiccup would try to argue, yelling no! The words drowned out by the sea of blood suffocating his lungs. No one to listen to him, no one to hear him. Just words and images repeating over and over again in his mind until he woke up.
''I don't want to lose you or Trid... o-or anyone else in my life.'' Hiccup spoke quietly and rubbed his tired eyes.
''I can't promise... that you will never say goodbye to more people Hiccup. People die eventually and you can't save everyone, or every dragon. You can only protect the ones closest to you, as best as you can!'' Toothless explained, trying to offer comfort without making false promises. They had almost gotten killed by Visskara the day they arrived here, two moons ago. It seemed they were just magnets for trouble.
Hiccup left the comfort of Toothless's arms to remove the cooked fish from the spit. He prepared two more fish in silence, and set them to cook before he spoke again.
''I don't know if I can lose anymore people Toothless. My job is to protect the tribe but, I-I can't even protect the ones I love. I couldn't protect dad, or Astrid. I couldn't even save you. If it wasn't for some weird sorcery, I'd have lost you forever.'' Hiccup said, as he focused on turning the fish. Tears pooled in his eyes and he blinked.
''Stoick was my fault! I don't care what you say. I wasn't strong enough to fight the control. I wasn't strong enough to see who I was attacking, and your father stopped me from killing you.'' Toothless firmly told him.
''That was Drago's fault, not yours.'' Hiccup corrected, with a sideways glance.
''Okay, say it was Drago's fault. The point is, it wasn't your fault Hicc. Astrid died giving birth, you couldn't do anything about that and it wasn't your fault.'' Hiccup tried to interrupt and Toothless lifted his hand to stop him. ''Before you say, 'you got her pregnant', remember how happy she was when she found out. She wanted a baby Hiccup, you couldn't deny her a child and you had no way of knowing what would happen. Even if she knew, I think Astrid would have still chosen to have that baby. Trid is going to be an amazing man! As for me... I made the choice to protect you! It was my choice, just like it was your father's choice. You are loved, people love you... and I couldn't live knowing I didn't do everything in my power to try and save you. I did die... but you have such an amazing heart that some wacko magic worked and I'm still here! People die, dragons die, but in the end... it isn't your fault, all you can do is try! Someone I love tells me... It's an occupational hazard'' Toothless finished and smiled at Hiccup's tired, tear flowing eyes.
''I think I may need to re think my occupation.'' Hiccup sobbed.
''Oh, come here you.'' Toothless said as he wrapped his arms around Hiccup and pulled him in for a hug. ''You really need to get some sleep. You think about way too much crap when you're tired, and you leak more!'' Toothless told him, wiping Hiccup's eyes with his fingers.
Hiccup wiped his own eyes and chuckled weakly. ''When did you get to be so wise?''
''Wait... You haven't noticed my superior wisdom before?'' Toothless feigned shocked.
''If by superior wisdom you mean total smart arse... then yep... I've noticed that.'' Hiccup smirked.
''Shush you! Or I won't tell you what Acacia and Storrkeldan did to heal my wings.'' Toothless threatened him with an unimpressed look and squinted eyed.
Hiccup chuckled and wiped his eyes dry. Toothless took one of the cooked fish to eat, and Hiccup ate the other one while more cooked.
He had been plagued by another nightmare last night that had woken him up after a couple of hours sleep. He hadn't been able to get back off, and Toothless was affected by the sleeping gas from Acacia to assist in the healing process. Hiccup assumed the attack from Visskara had caused the nightmares to return. They would stop, they always did, but he was afraid that more people in his life would die or leave, and that he would lose everything. He feared he would fail to protect everyone, and like trying to hold onto water, he worried that it would all trickle away no matter how hard he tried to clench onto it.
A small part of him wondered if the people he loved would still be alive had he never been born, or never befriended the dragons. There were a lot of paths he could have taken, a lot of if's and maybes. Ultimately this was his life now. The path he walked had led him here, and now he had to keep going forwards. Looking at Toothless happily eating his food, Hiccup was reminded of what he did have. Friends that battled by his side loyally, a mother he once thought was lost forever, a tribe that respected him, a son he couldn't love more if he tried, and Toothless. Toothless really was the glue holding him up when he needed it, the one who understood him the most, and loved him unconditionally.
-OOO-
Visskara returned early afternoon to escort them to the fire caves. Acacia and Storrkeldan also decided to go with them. They never usually ventured to the caves because plant life was scarce and nothing grew inside of them, but they agreed to offer their wisdom. They were to travel light, and leave everything at camp for when they returned.
''Babe! If you want to know something just ask and I will give you the answers later or when I change. Maybe write the... hundreds of questions down in that Journal you love so much more than me, so you don't forget you asked them.'' Toothless reminded him smirking. He had already been given what seemed like hundreds of things to find out and ask, Toothless was prepared for more questions.
''I have a new question. Please... ask my boyfriend why he thinks I would love this...'' He said holding up his journal. ''...when it can't love me back, or fuck me in the arse!'' Hiccup smirked.
''You sure we have to check out the caves right now? I can think of something better to do.'' Toothless whispered seductively into Hiccup's ear, eliciting a slight moan as he started to become aroused from his suggestion.
Knowing Visskara and the others were waiting for them to leave, Hiccup didn't have a choice but to refuse the offer. He had a feeling Toothless was only being a tease, and Thor it had worked, especially when Toothless worked his mouth with his lips and tongue.
When Toothless stripped his clothes, Hiccup felt like he was being teased further by the way Toothless slowly removed his tunic and vest, then bent over to remove the pant legs. Toothless smirked at him before changing and couldn't help but show off his wings. There was some light scaring there, and a small patch that looked a little sore remaining on his left wing; however, Toothless had insisted it didn't hurt, and Acacia said it would heal on its own but she would hurry it along later today.
Hiccup was still aroused as he fixed the saddle to Toothless, under the watchful eyes of Visskara, Acacia, and Storrkeldan. He was wearing his flight suit and felt like he was being judged.
''What is that?'' Visskara asked.
''A saddle! Hiccup made it himself specially. It is actually quite comfortable. The first ones he made weren't, but he kept tweaking them until he knew it didn't bother me. It makes flying safer and more comfortable for him, and stops him falling off, especially when we go really fast or do loops. He still like to fall off though and have me catch him.'' Toothless explained excitedly to the three confused and bewildered dragons. Hiccup was telling him to calm down but he couldn't wait to get back into the air.
''He sure has some usual clothes.'' Storrkeldan commented, as Hiccup put on his helmet.
''He made that too. It's a flight suit! Means I can go really fast and the wind won't turn him into a block of ice. The hat thing allows him see better and the suit attaches to the saddle so he can't fall off. Oh, and he has wings so he can fly... well glide!'' Toothless explained as Hiccup climbed up into the saddle and moaned slightly. Toothless smirked, he knew it was either Hiccup's sore arse or that he had teased him real good... maybe it was both.
''Wings?'' Visskara asked bewildered
''Yep!'' Toothless shouted as soon as he heard the clip connect Hiccup to the saddle.
The second that clip closed, Toothless took off fast! He climbed into the sky without waiting for directions.
''Whoa Toothless!'' Hiccup screamed initially getting thrown backwards. He finally grabbed the saddle. ''Whoa! Yeah baby!'' He screamed in enjoyment before realizing they were flying alone. ''Erm, where are the others?'' Hiccup asked.
Toothless looped over and changed direction to head back to the ground.
''I see why he needs that weird suit thingy.'' Storrkeldan commented.
Storrkeldan, Acacia, and Visskara, hadn't left the ground. Toothless had flown in the wrong direction and Visskara wondered how far they would get before they realized.
''He flies fast, especially with a human on his back.'' Acacia voiced out loud, but caught Visskara's expression. ''Obviously he could never fly as fast as you Visskara, but you can't deny his speed is impressive, seeing as he isn't a Leitatilsynum.''
Visskara didn't answer and Toothless landed on the ground in the front of them. Hiccup was confused but didn't say anything, he was getting used to just going with the flow. He didn't really have a choice on a dragon island surrounded by intelligent dragons.
''Now that you have that out of your system, maybe we could travel together, and in the right... direction.'' Visskara told him.
''Sorry!'' Toothless apologies.
-OOO-
Hiccup got to see just how big the island was as they flew over it. It was massive, and bigger than he had ever seen before. The thick forest below was so green and undisturbed. Some of the trees were taller and bigger then he had ever seen and the land raised and fell in different places. The stream traveled and weaved through the land, varying in size and eventually reaching out to the sea. Hiccup snatched out his Journal and sketched the view.
''Hey bud, do you think you could ask how they keep the land so undisturbed? How they keep humans off this island? It's huge!'' Hiccup asked Toothless who agreed, and seemed to do just that.
A while later, after the journal was safely away, Hiccup had fallen to sleep without meaning too. He was amazed at the view, but the soothing motion of the flight had lulled him to sleep.
''He sleeps like that?'' Storrkeldan asked suddenly.
''Yeah. He didn't sleep last night. He sometimes has nightmares and can't get back to sleep.'' Toothless explained.
''Nightmares... You mean sleep visions?'' Acacia asked. When Toothless told her they were horrible, dark sleep visions, she wondered if it could perhaps, shed some light as to what plagued his sal-binda. Even now, as he slept on Toothless, his life force wasn't as strong as it should be, and there was a disturbance at the core. ''Has he told you what he sees in his sleep visions?''
Toothless hesitated to answer, but did so with pity and sadness in his voice. ''He sees the people he loves die... All of them. Ones that have already gone, and ones that haven't. But he sees it happened differently, worse than it actually did. They tell him things they would never, or have never said. He blames himself for not protecting them and fears that he will lose everyone.''
Visskara had been listening carefully. Hiccup had shared the story of his dad's death with her, told him his mate had died and that he had a youngling he missed. Visskara had observed humans when she was younger, and learnt enough from her teaching to know that most humans mate for life, and that younglings stay with their mooir and faoir. Humans communicate with one another more than dragons do.
''What does he see differently about the day you killed his father?'' Visskara asked.
''H-he said that?'' Toothless was shocked, hurt evident in his eyes.
''He said it wasn't your fault! The Elgoorissstoorvovor had you under its control. You were ordered to kill your sal-binda but his father, his faoir I assume, got in the way and took the hit to spare his life.'' Visskara explained as she recalled what Hiccup had told her.
''You blow up his faoir and he still trusts you with his life?'' Storrkeldan chimed in, in disbelief.
''I didn't mean to... I never would have...'' Toothless tried to explain but in honesty, he wondered that very same thing. He just knew Hiccup loved him, and didn't blame him for what happened.
''Hush you! Now look what you've done.'' Acacia scolded Storrkeldan before addressing Toothless. ''My young Loightakalean... I only have to see you two together to know that you are true sal-binda's. It is the trials and tribulations that create, and test the bond you share. Tests like those dig deep for our true nature, they can be cruel and unkind, but they plant the seed for new things to grow. Often better thing!''
''What better things came from me killing his father?'' Toothless asked. He didn't think Acacia would have an answer.
''Your bond was tested and became stronger because of it. I'm sure many other things happened because of that day. You have to look deeper to see the ripples that one event has on our lives, and on that of everything that has a life force. If you hadn't killed his father, you may not be here, your sal-binda may not be alive today, and it may be rain instead of bright sol light.'' Acacia smiled.
Toothless didn't understand and was confused. How does Stoick's death change the weather.
''I'd still like to know what Hiccup see differently in his sleep visions, about the day you killed his father.'' Visskara reminded Toothless of her question. Acacia and Storrkeldan looked curious as well.
''In his dreams... When he pushed me away... He blamed me and never came after me. He never saved me from the Elgoorissstoorvovor's control, and I left. His friends tell him he failed, that he doesn't deserve to be chief... to be a leader, or a dragon rider.'' Toothless wasn't comfortable sharing Hiccup's dreams without him agreeing to it or knowing about it, but when they left the island the truth would stay there.
''How did his mate die?'' Visskara asked. That question peaked Acacia's attention.
''She died birthing their youngling.'' Toothless answered.
''And in his dream?'' Acacia asked.
''The same thing, except... it was more tragic, and there was more blood everywhere. The youngling also died in his dreams. Before his mate died, she told Hiccup that he had failed them, and that he doesn't deserve to be her mate or a father. That's not what happened at all.'' Toothless explained.
''Then everyone around him dies?'' Acacia asked remembering what Toothless said before.
''Yes. In his dream... It was the night the Ogthantarth attacked, but instead having me to fight by his side and winning the battle, they all died. He was left alone surrounded by the death and destruction of his village... his island. He finds my dead body and starts to drowned in blood. Voices keep telling him he failed and that he is nothing without me. He would wake up after that.'' Toothless explained, hoping there would be no more question on the subject.
''As tragic and painful as loss is, something else troubles your sal-binda.'' Acacia stated as a question, expectant of answers.
''Fucking shit loads!'' Toothless snapped, but corrected himself. ''I mean alot... alot troubles him.'' Toothless admitted, trying to control his frustration. He didn't understand why they had to keep prying into Hiccup's life.
Acacia smiled. ''Anger runs in you too, but It comes from a good place. You are protective of your sal-binda...''
''His name is Hiccup!'' Toothless corrected, annoyed at the sal-binda crap and the confusing difference in language. Visskara growled in anger at his behavior and Toothless apologized. ''Sorry. Hiccup is my best friend and I love him, so yeah... I protect him! I save him, he saves me. That's how its always been!''
''If you don't wish to answer, you can say no. I am only curious to what troubles him, and what trials you have both faced.'' Acacia gently tried to draw out the information she was curious to know.
Toothless sighed. ''We have been through a lot together. I attacked his village, he shot me down and I lost my tail. We became friends and he made it so I could fly again...''
Toothless told them the story, even explaining how Stoick disowned his son. How the others belittled him because he was different and smaller. He mentioned the red death, the Mykerstorrdrottning, and how he had saved Hiccup's life but he had still lost his leg in the explosion. He proudly explained that because of Hiccup, his father and the tribe made peace with the dragons, and everyone started to respect Hiccup. He mentioned Dragon's edge, the riders, the hunters, saving the dragons and finding new islands. How they made allies with Vikings that protected or worshiped dragons, like the wing maidens or the defenders of the wing. He explained some of the battles they'd faced together. Toothless covered how Hiccup found his mother, and briefly recapped the story involving Drago. He spoke of Astrid, the wedding, the birth of Trid, and hesitantly, admitted Hiccup's dark moment on the cliff when he jumped. Toothless finally reached the time Coaldron and the Ogthantarth attacked. How he had died from the kill shot and Hiccup had killed Coaldron in a rage.
''...He hated himself for a while but I managed to snap him out of it... after I scared the crap out of him by changing into a human.'' Toothless explained.
Visskara, Acacia and Storrkeldan were speechless. Torn between shock, confusion, horror, bewilderment and disbelief. They had never heard of anything like it before.
''No wonder his life force is tormented.'' Acacia mumbled. She looked over at Toothless and gathered her thoughts before speaking. ''Your sal-binda... Hiccup, has great compassion and a good heart. He has been forced to make hard choices and take actions, sometimes against his beliefs and morals, that he cannot forgive himself for. No matter how justified those actions were, he will always regret taking the life of another, such is the consequence of having a pure heart. The lives lost to spare his own will always weight heavily on his soul, because he sees more value in others then he does of himself.'' Acacia paused before continuing. ''His sleep visions appear to represent what he believes, maybe subconsciously, that he himself cannot protect and lead his tribe. That his achievements are only because you were there to make that possible. Grief can create anger on its own, but with the belief that he failed them, it allowed the anger to grow. This allowed fear to plague his mind. If he isn't a strong leader without you by his side, then how can he protect and lead his people. Should they one day realise that his achievements are only because of you, he will lose everyone and everything in his life. The worst, he faces more death because he couldn't provide and protect. Fear is hard to get rid of once it has rooted, but as his sal-binda, you must help him. Remind him that his achievements grew from his own choices and actions, and not just because you are in his life. You may have played a part, but everyone plays a part in what we say or do.''
''I... I think I understand.'' Toothless replied, trying to take in what Acacia had said. ''But if his dreams represent what he believes, then why did he push me away, or see Trid's... death! He doesn't believe that stuff.'' Toothless asked.
Acacia thought carefully before she answered his question. ''If he blamed you and pushed you away after you killed his faoir, even if he realised it wasn't your fault and came for you, the guilt from his initial blame could still haunt him. He believes that you should never have forgiven him, but had you not, he would have lost you. Losing you is one of his greatest fears. As for his mate, he could wish the youngling had never been created, thus his mate would never had died.''
''No! He loves Trid, he loves his son!'' Toothless stressed.
''Has he never blamed himself for her death, blamed the seed that started the life of the youngling?'' Acacia asked. Toothless's reaction was all she needed as her answer. ''I don't doubt he loves... his son as you call him. I am saying deep down, the guilt for wanting his mate at the cost of his son's life, causes a war to blaze inside of him and his heart, a battle he cannot win. Seeing the death of his son in his sleep visions, only reminds him of what he has to lose, and perhaps, seeing the youngling everyday reminds him of the mate he has already lost. It is possible that he believes he doesn't deserve be a father, because he has such thoughts, and because he blames himself for the death of Trid's mooir. Humans are complex creatures. As his sal-binda you know what he needs more than anyone, and you can help him find peace and strengthen his life force, but only time can settle the disturbances that plague his mind, and only he can work though that as time passes. All you can do is talk to him, be there for him and continue to do whatever it is you have been doing.''
Acacia smiled at Toothless and nodded before she left to fly beside Storrkeldan. Visskara announced their approach to the fire caves and Toothless could see the volcano peak in the distance. Due to their conversations, he hadn't been paying attention to the scenery until now.
There were trees, but far less dense and sparse as Acacia had explained they would be. The ground was drier like a rocky terrain, rocks and boulders replaced the trees and plant life. The closer they flew to the dormant volcano the more Toothless's mind seemed to dig for memories he had long forgotten.
-Toothless's flash back-
A younger Loightakalean was catching fish in the stream not far from the fire caves, and enjoying each of his catches one at a time. His ears peaked when he heard someone approaching and hoped it wasn't Groaldridax. He went to hide but a pinkish purple gas made him see flying, talking, fish. He was initially freaking out but had a thought; Fish don't talk or fly, so there could only be one explanation.
''Gorahiroa, I swear if that's you then cut it out!'' The Loightakalean demanded as he ran up and down the stream to escape the fish now trying to bite him.
Gorahiroa appeared and walked into the stream laughing. He was a dark purple dragon, about the same size as the Loightakalean. He had a pinkish purple chest, feet, tail and wings. His wings were spiky at the tips and he had sharp spines on the end of his tail. He was rough and untidy looking, like spiky hair but scales instead.
''Gora you faifuh!'' The Loightakalean exclaimed as he hid behind Gora and closed his eyes. He knew for a fact now, that the flying, biting fish were just illusions, visions to trick his mind, and created by his friend's trickery. He had to wait for the effects to wear off. Gorahiroa laughed and teased him.
''Aww, but it's so much fun watching you freak out Kalean, you looked like a total torht splashing around.'' Gora laughed.
''You promised you'd stop practicing on me.'' Kalean whined and pouted.
''Fine! So how comes you're here anyways, shouldn't you be with Groaldridax?'' Gora asked.
''I was hungry! And I didn't want to learn about the life force of trees. Eugh!'' Kalean complained.
''I don't blame you. Want to go cause some chaos?'' Gora asked.
Kalean was about to decline when Groaldridax appeared. She had been camouflaged into the nearby trees.
''Offer going in 3...'' Gora whispered.
''Youngling, your lessons are most...'' Groaldridax started her lecture.
''2...'' Gora continued his count down.
''...I will not tolerate...'' Groaldridax went on with her lecture.
''1, See ya!'' Gora finished and flapped his wings to beat it out of there, before he fell victim to the lectures as well.
''Wait for me!'' Kalean shouted and took off after his friend, leaving a very displeased Groaldridax behind.
