Disclaimer: Despite the fact that I've been doing this for a really really long time, I still don't own any of the characters. That shit belongs to JK Rowling till she dies or something.
So Far: As always, Lily and James' situation is awkward. They're definitely friends, especially now that Marlene and James have broken up. While shopping for a Muggle suit, Sirius and Remus ran into Remus' ex, Natalie. You might have forgotten this, but officially, Dorcas is still dating Cameron.
Chapter 27
Or
Of Clear Skies
The odd thing about living in a state of war is you sort of get used to it. Sure, it might be on your mind every once in a while, but as a civilian, your life sort of goes on, uninterrupted aside from the news. When somebody dies, you're appropriately horrified and occupied by it for a while, and then it just fades away.
Living in a state of war is waiting for the next casualty.
And there is a very big difference between living in a state of war and actually living a war.
(You'll see.)
(Part 1: Living in a State of Flux)
It took approximately three hours for the entirety of Wizard Britain to hear that Sirius Black was throwing a party at his flat that Wednesday night, exactly one week before school was starting again.
The flat had been cleared and magically Extended for the occasion, the remaining expensive furniture moved to the empty room, the doors to the bedrooms and the library and said empty room magically sealed. A banner stating simply "CONGRATULATIONS" hung on the wall above the cheap table bought expressly for this party. On the table, of course, could be found the following: a. various forms of alcohol, from hard liquor to rum-filled punch, b. seemingly an endless amount of cups, and c. seemingly infinite brownie pans. Lily had been assured by Sirius, oddly enough, that they were completely innocent brownies which can do nothing but fill a stomach; she didn't much see the point, what with alcohol being so much worse than a little pot, but he refused to even tell her where the brownies came from, and she found that more suspicious than possible magical weed.
The party was, technically, being thrown in her honor; she had received her Head Girl badge a few days ago and immediately posted some very excited letters to several of her friends. James hadn't had a chance to respond yet; he was in Tuscany until that very evening. Sirius had assured her that he had gotten her letter and been invited to the party; James had simply had no time to sit down and write her back. Everybody else, however, had already told her congratulations in one form or another. Her mother had baked her an orange cake, which was rather ironically Lily's favorite; Petunia had huffed and continued working on the wedding preparations, though Lily suspected she was spending less time insulting her in some twisted form of celebration. Dorcas and Marlene had given her a gift card to a book shop; Marlene actually apologized for the tackiness, explaining that they had very little time and quite a lot of pressure. Dorcas said, rather curtly, that it would have been the kind of gift she'd like to receive, and refused to say that it was a bad gift. (It was, but Lily didn't mind.) Mary had helped Sirius organize the party and send out invitations, though they were sure there would be plenty of party-crashers.
And there were. There were a lot of party crashers. It was, after all, a party hosted by one of the Marauders – not just any Marauder, but Sirius Black. Sirius Black had his own flat at the age of seventeen. Sirius Black was loaded. Sirius Black was the only Black in living memory to be in Gryffindor instead of Slytherin. Sirius Black had both the brains and the looks. Sirius Black knew how to have fun. Sirius Black could throw one hell of a party.
People were saying other things about Sirius Black, but neither Sirius nor anybody who actually mattered cared. Even Mary, who had a deep love for everything gossip, hadn't even entertained the other stuff (such as a rumor of him dating Lily Evans and James Potter and Remus Lupin, all at the same time, apparently, or the rumor that he was in fact just like his brother and supported the man more and more people were calling "You-Know-Who"). Of course, Mary was a little too busy at the moment to discuss anything; she was a little preoccupied, sucking face with Her Ravenclaw boyfriend.
This was unfortunate, because Lily had been talking to her up until the moment Ravenclaw Boy arrived, and now, discontent with watching this mating display, Lily was forced to find something else to do.
First, she would refill her cup. Then, she would check in on Dorcas, to see she wasn't having any panic attacks. Then she would refill her cup yet again. And then she would try to find James.
And that's what she did. Her first drink of the night had been the punch, which didn't have much of a kick, and she decided to stick with it for now. It was surprisingly easy to locate Dorcas; she was sitting on the floor with her back against the wall just a couple of meters from the alcohol table. Lily passed by her practically by accident; she'd intended to go the other way, deeper into the party rather than in the direction of the hallway, but had been pushed in the other direction. She mentioned this to Dorcas as she joined her on the floor.
"You okay?" Lily asked.
"Yeah."
"'Cause I know you're not a fan of parties this big, and if you just want to go home, you know I'd get it –"
"I'm just sitting here for a bit, till Cam finishes here," Dorcas said closing her eyes and resting her head on the wall. "I don't mind being here."
"You sure?"
"Yeah."
There was a bit of silence and then –
"Ugh, I cannot believe this."
"What?" Lily asked, surprised. She'd gotten distracted, listening to the music; Dorcas was sitting up straight now, staring straight ahead at a girl who looked vaguely familiar. "Who's that?" she asked.
"That," Dorcas said, "is Marlene's American cousin. I hate her." Lily tried to inquire further, but Dorcas simply shook her head. "I refuse to waste any more breath on her," she announced, closing her eyes once more.
Intrigued, Lily decided to delay phase three – 'refill cup yet again' – for now. She approached the girl and assessed her quickly. She was about their age, either seventeen or eighteen, and had dyed her hair strawberry blonde, but not recently. She was dressed rather conservatively for an event such as this, with a buttoned-down shirt which, though colorful, had long sleeves, and a pair of very old-looking jeans. She had a pair of wide glasses and a pale face riddled with acne scars and freckles alike. Altogether, she looked more prepared for book club than for one of Sirius Black's infamously alcohol-soaked parties; the cup she was holding had nothing but what seemed to be water in it. She didn't strike Lily as exactly pretty, but rather average, though her relation to Marlene was clear even to the untrained eye. Oddly enough, she didn't seem uneasy, just a bit out of place; she was, in fact, idly chatting with a tall boy with a mop of dark hair –
"James, you finally got here!"
Lily threw her arms around him, and they hugged for a moment or two. James ran a hand through his hair as he said, "Yeah, just Floo'd in a few minutes ago. I ran into Ella here and – "
"Ella?" Lily asked.
"Yeah," he said. "C'mon, Ella, this is Lily, one of Marlene's best friends. Lily, this is Ella, she's Marlene's cousin from America."
"Nice to meet ya," said Ella. Her accent was exactly what Lily had expected. "Lily, was it? I think I remember Mar mentioning ya 'couple 'a times. You're the one this party is technically for?"
"Yeah, well," Lily said, blushing a bit. "I made Head Girl and all. Do you know what that is?"
"I'm American, not a bad cousin!" was Ella's reply.
"Well, it was nice meeting you," said Lily, not sure what to add. "James, come with me for a refill?"
"Yeah, 'course," he said.
Just as they turned to leave, however, Ella asked: "Hey, are you two an item or something?"
Lily coughed very suddenly and James paused as he was, his fingers tangled in his hair still. "No!" said Lily abruptly. "What – what makes you ask?"
"Well, Marlene broke up with you, James, like a month ago or whatever, and two hotties like you two – "
"Two hotties like us?" asked James, raising an eyebrow.
"Well, you don't seem like the type who are single for long, is all." She shrugged, and took a sip of her cup. Her expression remained neutral, and Lily took that to mean that her original assumption, that Ella's cup was filled with nothing but water, was correct.
"Well," Lily said. "We're not. The type – the type of person you mentioned, or a couple."
Something flashed in James' eyes too quickly for Lily to understand it. "C'mon, Lily," he said. "Let's go get you something to drink."
"So," Lily said as they pushed their way through the crowd. "That was Marlene's cousin?"
James made a noncommittal sound. "She's American," he said, as if he was explaining something. Lily sniggered.
(Part 2: Living in a State of Permanent Heartbreak)
Remus would swear under oath that he hadn't come to this shopping center meaning to bump into Natalie. In fact, he wouldn't even admit to himself that he was doing anything but searching for a present.
This was only partly true, but Remus wasn't even sure when Natalie worked, and he had no idea if she would be at the shopping center at the same time as he. In fact, it seemed incredibly unlikely.
Which was pretty stupid of him, because he was going to the same shopping center he knew for a fact she worked.
He was on his way out of the bookshop, shoving the gift into his bag, when he quite literally bumped into her.
"Sorry," he blurted, only to realize who it was and say, "sorry!" again.
"It's fine," she said. She was wearing a crumpled version of her uniform; she had probably just finished a shift or was taking a break. She didn't look at him, awkwardly looking at the ground for a moment, and then started to walk away.
Remus stood rooted to the spot for a moment. On the one hand, he was a werewolf. He was a danger to her. He could never have a life with her. They they came from completely different worlds. She was a Muggle and he was a wizard.
On the other hand, she still had that beautiful dark curly hair.
He called her name, and she turned around.
"D'you want, maybe, um," he said, blushing. "Would you like to get a coffee, or something?"
She nodded, and it seemed as if both of them were surprised. "There's a place I like about three blocks away," she said.
"Lead the way."
She led the way, and it was… awkward. And silent. And resentful. And painful. And hopeful.
It took them no time at all and far too long to reach the café. It was a small café with about six tables inside, but it was cozy and mostly empty. Outside, though somewhat cold, was much more comfortable seating, but there were far more patrons there. They chose to sit inside, and at least as far as Remus was concerned, it was for privacy. Natalie ordered some type of coffee, but Remus didn't really know much about coffee and couldn't remember even five minutes later what she ordered. He got a hot chocolate.
"You always order that," Natalie said once the waitron had cleared. "Hot chocolate. Why do you always order hot chocolate?"
Remus shrugged. "I just like chocolate."
They sat in silence and it was awkward. If Remus had to pick one adjective to describe the entire evening, it would be awkward. If he were to title the novelization of his life, he would call it Awkward. If he would ever, ever dare tell this story to any of his friends, he would say it was awkward. It was worse than awkward. It was awful.
Their drinks came around, and Natalie asked, "Well – what were you doing here, anyway?"
Remus made a quick decision. "I was getting a present. For a friend."
"Oh, that's nice," she said casually. "Birthday?"
"Um, they were given a position at school. Really… prestigious."
"Well, that is a cause for celebration."
"My friend is having a party. But I didn't want to go."
"Don't drink alcohol?"
"Don't like the people. Do you?"
"Do I what?"
"Drink alcohol."
"Only sometimes, and not a lot. It makes me cranky."
"The alcohol, or the hangover?"
"Both, honestly. Not that I've ever been properly hungover…"
Remus was taken aback. "Never?"
"I take it you have, then?" she countered.
He laughed nervously. "Yeah. A lot. Well – you've met Sirius. You know a bit what he's like."
She paused for a moment, considering her next words. "I didn't expect that." In response to his unvoiced inquiry, she elaborated: "For you to be friends with someone like that. When you told me that your friends were eccentric – weird – I guess I sort of imagined some sort of… group of geeks who are super into The Lord of The Rings or something."
Glossing over the fact that he wasn't quite sure who (or what) The Lord of the Rings was, Remus replied: "Sirius is hardly that. But he is definitely eccentric. But…" he hesitated.
"But?"
"I wouldn't be who I am without him. There's James and Peter, and they're great, but Sirius, he can really – "
"… What?"
"He can really get to me. Push me so I'm better."
"What, like in school?"
"Nah," said Remus. "I guess it's stupid."
In his head he was screaming: LIKE IN LIFE. But he was beginning to understand that she'd never understand.
(Part 3: Living in a State of Uncertainty)
While Lily was getting her third drink, James disappeared. Didn't even properly say goodbye, just – disappeared.
It is possible, Lily reasoned as she tried to make her way to the hallway, that he was simply swallowed by the crowd.
But a small voice in her head was saying that it was something else. It is possible, it said, that he simply grew tired of you and decided to find one of his actual friends. You know, the ones whose entire relationships with him aren't built on crying on each other's shoulders.
Shut up, she told that voice. She could hear Sirius talking to someone very loudly (though the music wasn't as strong on this side of the wall, which probably contributed to her being able to hear him at all) and decided to head in that direction.
And voilà, there was James, a smile splashed all over his face and his bright eyes shining with a livelihood he only ever had around Sirius. This was the first time she got to actually evaluate him in his entirety this evening; he had always, so far, been partially blocked by something or someone.
She was willing to admit, at least in her head, that he looked good in Muggle clothing. (She'd actually rarely seen him outside of his school robes, which he wore, oftentimes, even during winter breaks when at school. And the last time she'd seen him – well, she'd been rather, ahem, busy, and didn't pay attention to what he was wearing.) It was relatively plain attire, just a fitting white T-shirt and some wide jeans, with a black blazer thrown on top. (She wondered how he didn't die of heat in that thing; she was wearing short sleeves and was practically dying of heat exhaustion.) But, and maybe it was just that thing where when a boy is wearing the exact opposite of what you're used to and the shock is why you think it's attractive, he looked so good in that form-hugging shirt. He was skinny, hardly muscly in the wide-set sense, but –
Oh, God. I am not thinking about this.
"Hi, Lily," chirped someone next to James. She blinked and realized it was Peter talking; she had honestly simply not realized he was there.
"Hey, Peter!" she said, forcing a smile onto her features. "Sirius. James." They both nodded at her. "Thanks for the party, it's really – it's really something."
"Pshhh – " said Sirius dismissively. "It was nothing, really. Just a little silly party at the end of the summer. We're back at school next week, after all. And besides, Jamesy here – "
Sirius stopped abruptly, and Lily couldn't be sure, but she thought James had stepped on his foot.
"Okay then," Lily said, suddenly unsure as to what she was doing here, talking to this group. Because Sirius was theirs, and James was theirs, and Peter –
Well, she didn't get particularly occupied with Peter.
"Anyway," she said, "Sirius, I was wondering if I could have the password for the spare bedroom. I think I'd like to rest for a bit."
"It's not a password, it's a – " began Sirius, then he shook his head and said, "nah, it's too complicated to explain right now. I'm getting a little fuzzy!" he yelled, pointing to his drink. "James, go show her."
James stood up and walked with her down the hall to the guest bedroom. He murmured a few words while waving his wand in a complex motion, and the door unlocked; he opened it for her and in an odd, gentleman-like move, opened his arm in an invitation to come in.
She walked in, surveying the room; it had a bit more dust since the last time she'd been here, which probably meant that Sirius hadn't cleaned this place since Peter puked in it two months ago, but otherwise remained unchanged. Turning around, she noticed that James was closing the door, and before she could change her mind, she said – "No, wait!"
James hesitated for a moment, then looked at her questioningly.
"Do you wanna – d'ya wanna stay with me, for a moment?" she suggested.
He looked confused, but eventually nodded and stepped into the room, closing the door behind him. "The last time I was here, I woke up to the smell of puke," he remarked. "There's definitely an improvement on that point."
Lily sat down on the bed and patted the spot next to her. "C'mon," she said when he did nothing. "Sit with me."
He did, and Lily could hear her heart pounding together with the beat of the music outside. The unidentifiable song was ending; they could tell, because it was fading out.
"Lily," James began, then hesitated.
"What?" she asked, looking at him closely. He looked nervous, his hair messier than usual, his eyes jumping back and forth, landing on her for only seconds at a time.
"I – " he said.
"You what?"
"Do you want to dance with me?" he asked, obviously having changed his mind.
She laughed. "We can barely hear the music in here," she said. That wasn't a no, please don't think that's a no –
"That's not a problem, the record player is in that closet over there," he said. Thank God Thank God Thank God –
He walked over to the closet, and she joined him; there was, in fact, a record player behind the brown wooden doors. She looked through the records quickly while he checked from the other end. Lily found a record first, and so they played the Beatles, which James had sort of heard of before, but not really.
"I cannot believe," she said, "that you haven't heard of the Beatles. They're iconic!"
"Maybe in the Muggle world," he said. "But I grew up listening to other stuff. Look at those, for example," he said, pointing to a stack of records belonging to a band she'd never heard of. "That's what my Dad played for me when I was a kid," he said. "Besides, I've heard of the Beatles. I just haven't heard the Beatles."
The record continued playing, but they didn't dance. When Yesterday began playing, Lily closed her eyes and started swaying with the music. "I love this one," she muttered.
James grabbed her hand. "C'mon," he said, "let's dance." He let go of her hand, instead placing his around her waist; after a moment of shock, she smiled and wrapped hers around his neck.
They danced, and it was nice. It was warm, really; like a fuzzy feeling of content-ness and nervousness all balled up into one soft dance to the sound of Yesterday by the Beatles, which really wasn't the most appropriate song for the situation, perhaps, but it was slow and James wasn't a bad dancer but she didn't particularly trust his feet when forced to move faster than they currently were.
She was very, very aware of every dot of skin he was touching. It felt like she was burning alive. It felt like she'd never been more alive. She was nervous, and cautious, and reckless.
She rest her head on his chest, thanking the skies above that James was so tall.
"Lily?" he said as the song neared its end.
"Yeah?"
"I need to tell you something."
"Can it wait?"
"Not really. Am I ruining the moment?"
"Yes."
"Then I'll tell you later."
Lily pulled back. "It's too late, the moment's ruined. Just tell me. Shoot."
James was nervous, messing up his hair again. "Yeah, well, um – maybe you should sit down."
She did, but she was laughing. "What is it, James? Relax. Just tell me. It can't hardly be that bad. Just spit it out."
He sat down next to her, then stood up again, and started pacing. "Congratulations on getting Head Girl," he said, "I just realized I never actually said it."
"James – " she sighed.
"I'm Head Boy," he said.
Lily gawked at him.
"You're Head Boy."
"Yeah."
"But you're not – "
"Apparently Quidditch Captains can also become Heads. It just… doesn't happen."
"But it did happen."
"Yeah, well."
"Are you sure you're Head Boy?"
"Thank you for the vote of confidence."
"I didn't mean it that way – "
"I have the badge and everything."
"Why didn't it say anything in my letter?"
"My letter didn't say anything about you. When you got your letter about becoming a prefect back in fifth year, did it say that Remus was going to be a prefect as well?"
"Well, no…"
"I'm Head Boy, Lily."
"Yes, I've got that." She paused. "Well, I guess you're due for a congratulations. So… congratulations."
Hand still in his hair, he mumbled a short "thanks" and sat back down again. "Are… are you okay?"
"I thought it would be Edgecombe," Lily admitted. "Or Severus. I wasn't looking forward to working with either of them. I'd rather it be you."
James frowned. "You didn't even consider Remus?"
Lily panicked for a moment, because Lily knew Remus' secret but James didn't know that she knew Remus' secret, and she hadn't factored that in. "Yeah, uh, well," she said, grasping for the right words. "I, uh, I didn't think he would want that responsibility, what with his mother being really ill all the time and him going back home to… visit her."
James nodded. "Right. That makes sense. Smart."
"Thanks. So you're Head Boy, huh?"
"I'm Head Boy."
…
"Does it sound eerily quiet out there to you, too?"
(Part 4: Living in a State of Fearful Indecision)
Remus Apparated back to the flat about two hours after it started. The music was still playing, but within the couple of minutes it took him to find Sirius and Peter (with James nowhere in sight), it had stopped.
Emergency broadcast, the voice in the radio was saying. Emergency broadcast. Three men have entered the Ministry of Magic and demanded an audience with the Minister of Magic. Upon receiving a refusal, they said in unison: "The Dark Lord will not be ignored" and slit their own throats. The identity of the men and whether they were under the Imperius curse is -
Sirius waved his wand, and the radio turned off. "Everybody out," he said, and despite – or perhaps because – Sirius Black never ended his parties early, everybody left. Dorcas and Marlene left together; Mary said goodbye, and Apparated away from a corner of the room; Peter admitted that he wanted to go see his mother, check up on her, see she's alright; and even James and Lily, who had come out of the spare bedroom early in the broadcast, went their separate ways, though both of them said rather lengthy and private goodbyes to both Sirius and each other.
Remus stayed, and with the wave of the wand, he cleaned everything up.
"I could have done that by myself," said Sirius. "I'm pretty good with vanishing spells, you know that."
"I'm staying," Remus said, answering his unasked question. "Don't argue the point."
And Sirius didn't argue.
No matter when or where, war isn't something you get used to. War is something you try your best to get through. And you can't do that alone.
So Lily, James, and Peter went home to their families, and Remus stayed with Sirius, because he had no family, and Mary went home with a guy, and Cam took Dorcas home and stayed there with her, for a while. And none of them said anything about it, all talking about or doing other things, because when you're living in a war, the last thing you want to think about is the tragedy, the hopelessness, the war itself. But it's there.
It was in every word they said that night, every movement, every thought. It was in their veins and in their throats and in their eyes, all tangled up in every aspect of their lives. They were all so frustrated and complicated and alone. They clung to each other and tried to be there for each other all while knowing that really, everybody in the world wages their own war.
When you're living in a state of war, the war is something you bring up every once in a while. The newspapers have an article about it on page three or even the front page every once in a while. You remember that lives are ending in the back of your mind every once in a while. You can try and reason with it. You can easily just… not remember.
When you're living in a war, all you can do is try to forget. Try to deal. And eventually, try to fight.
A/N: Hello, and welcome to 2016!
Every day we grow closer to two things: My 18th birthday (which is in less than a month!) and then, later, this story's two year anniversary. Which is... mental. I mean, who would've thought? And I know I say this every time, but I just wanted to make sure you know that this year, I'm just so thankful for all the support I get from you guys for this story (and some others). I read every single one of your reviews, and they're all important to me. Thank you so much for following, for reviewing, and even for just visiting. Every single one of you is important to me.
Now that we're done with the sentimentality...
Welcome to 2016. 2016 is going to be a hard year for you guys. I've just finished chapter 30, and I'm sure somewhere some ancestor is shocked that I would put my readers through this shit. Don't worry - I'm putting myself through this shit as well. But it's good stuff. If I do my job right, you'll either love to hate it or hate to love it. Either would be good.
In the meantime, I'm working on two major pieces of fiction - one is yet another Raven Cycle fic, which won't be published till it's far, far longer. The other is a piece of original work, but as I'm collaborating on it with a friend, it's going to take time. We've already worked out the groundwork - now it's time to get to work. So - more updates as that progresses, I guess? If you're interested in more details, I'll probably start posting about it on my writing tumblr, link in my profile.
Well, I guess that's it.
Happy 2016, folks.
JustGail
