Unscathed
Chapter 28:
She wakes in the middle of the night, body buzzing. It takes her a few moments to open her eyes, to reorient herself to the still-foreign room, to the comfort of Castle sleeping soundly beside her.
She breathes deeply, counting slowly in her head until the dream fades away. Something about a gun and a basement and a crying red-headed teenager. Kate shivers and rubs her palm against the soft cotton of her pilfered tee shirt, easing the gallop of her heart through the rhythmic stroke against her bullet wound.
She's in the Hamptons with Castle and Alexis. Everyone's fine. She's safe, and they're well. She lays for a few minutes, hoping to find the oblivion of sleep again, but finds it irritatingly elusive. She's not surprised, but she always hopes.
Before her shifting can wake Castle, she slips from the bed, shrugging into his robe and tiptoeing out of the room. She's wearing only his clothes—his robe, his boxers, his shirt. She has lovely pajamas, even a few new sets he gifted her with yesterday, when he realized she's likely to be prostrate for a few days, that impending, surprise period well on its way.
She grimaces, hoping that isn't what woke her. Her first period after her shooting had been hell—cramping and bloating and headaches, though nothing so bad as earlier in the week. Poor Castle.
She shakes it off and heads for the kitchen, padding down the upstairs hall until she passes Alexis' door. She pauses and turns back, pushing gently on the door to peak her head through the door and check on the teenager.
She wants a nice picture in her mind's eye, rather than the crying, sobbing one she woke to—half dream, half memory.
Instead, she peers inside and finds Alexis curled tight in a ball, tears on her cheeks.
"Alexis?" she whispers, stepping into the room as Alexis stares at her. "Hey, what's wrong?"
She crouches down at the side of the bed and runs her hand over the girl's cheek. "Nightmare?" she asks. Alexis shakes her head, eyes scrunching shut briefly. "Alexis," Kate repeats, starting to worry as the kid remains non-verbal. "Are you sick?"
"Cramp," Alexis mumbles, and it's then that Kate notices the arm she has wrapped tightly around her middle, the sheen of sweat on her forehead.
"Oh," Kate breathes out, "How long?"
"A while," Alexis whispers, her free hand reaching out to grasp Kate's. "I'm 'kay."
Kate shakes her head. "We can get you meds and a hot water bottle. That will make it better."
"I'm 'kay," Alexis repeats, as if she doesn't quite understand the offer.
Kate smiles and squeezes her hand. "I know. I'll be right back, okay?"
Alexis nods slowly and Kate stands, hurrying out of the room and down to the kitchen, where she knows Castle has Tylenol and a hot water bottle. Poor girl. Waking up in pain is always the worst—so confusing and distressing. And lying there alone, too numbed by it to move to get something to help—she knows what that's like. But Alexis isn't alone. Kate can help.
She shuffles back into Alexis' room and sighs at the picture the girl makes, still scrunched on the bed and miserable.
"Here," she says softly, gently moving Alexis' arm to slide the hot water bottle between her curled legs and her stomach. "And here, rise up a little."
She helps Alexis swallow down the pills, chasing them with a few gulps of water. The teen flops back onto the bed, an involuntary groan passing through her lips.
"So much worse," she mumbles.
"Than normal?"
Alexis nods as Kate tugs the blankets up over her shoulder. "Hurts," she admits, sounding small and sad.
Kate moves to sit in the small space left by Alexis' knees. Alexis looks up at her, eyes wet, and she changes her mind, slipping out of the robe and climbing into bed behind the teen so she can wrap her arm around her. Alexis rolls over and presses her face into Kate's bicep, uncurling her legs but still clutching at the hot water bottle.
"It'll pass," Kate promises, remembering a not dissimilar night spent in her own bed at home, her mother rubbing her back and promising that it wouldn't be so bad forever—that the older she got, the less terrible it would be.
She didn't quite believe her then, when every other month was pure agony. But she believes her now.
"Sorry," Alexis whispers, her lips and eyes wet, body tense.
"Don't be sorry," Kate soothes. "I'm sorry you were all alone."
Alexis shakes her head, wet eyelashes glancing off Kate's arm. "S'okay. Done it before."
Kate hums and kneads her fingers into Alexis' lower back, smiling as the teen relaxes just a hair. "You come get me next time, okay?"
Alexis huffs. "Couldn't move."
Kate grimaces. She remembers that too, willing her mother to appear by sheer force of need. "Text me."
Alexis manages a laugh. "Sure, Kate."
She smiles and bumps the teen's knee with her own. Alexis smiles wanly and cuddles closer, the hot water bottle warm between them. Slowly, her eyes stop leaking and she stops taking panting, pained breaths, relaxing into her comfortable bed, head growing heavier against Kate's arm.
"A bit better?" Kate asks softly.
"Yeah," Alexis says, stretching gingerly. "Why're you up?" she wonders after a moment.
"Nightmare," Kate admits easily. "Was headed down for warm milk when I checked on you."
"Glad you did," Alexis whispers, curling her hand into Kate's shirt, leaving the cooling water bottle to the mattress.
Kate smiles and strokes her hand up and down the kid's arm. "Me too."
"What was your nightmare about?" Alexis asks.
"The usual," Kate says, brushing the hair from Alexis' forehead. "The basement, a gun, you."
"Me?"
"You and your dad frequent my nightmares," Kate admits. "Of course you do."
Alexis sighs and nods against her arm. "Mine too. You and dad."
"Any tonight?"
"Don't think so," Alexis replies, eyes growing heavy. "Cramp woke me, not the dreams."
"Good," Kate says. "Well, not good, but I'm glad. Nightmares are awful."
"I'd take nightmares over the cramps," Alexis argues. "At least nightmares go away."
Kate clicks her tongue and shifts around, settling in as her own exhaustion rises. "Cramps do too. I promise."
"Yeah," Alexis mumbles. "Mom barely gets them."
"That's good," Kate assures her.
"Do you get them?" Alexis wonders.
"Sometimes," Kate hedges. "Been hit or miss this year. They were pretty bad when I was your age too."
Alexis frowns. "Sucks."
"Yeah, it does. But if your mom's got better, yours probably will too. There's hope."
"Mom said I should go on the pill," Alexis adds. "But I last time I tried I was so nauseous and woozy the doctor took me off."
"Did you only try one kind?"
"Yeah," Alexis says, wrinkling her nose. "Kind of freaked dad out, and mom was on shoot, so we just gave up."
Kate sighs. Oh, poor Castle and his pained tween daughter. "Maybe we can find one that works, or get you an IUD with hormones to help with the cramps."
"What do you have?" Alexis asks, blushing a little. "If you don't mind—"
"'Course I don't," Kate says quickly. "I have a hormone based IUD. Sometimes I still have a bad cycle, but that's more to do with diet and…other trauma than anything else. It's been very helpful."
"Expensive?" Alexis asks after a beat.
Kate snorts. "Please. Your dad can handle it."
"But I don't want to ask him!" Alexis says quickly.
Kate startles as Alexis covers her face with her hand, wincing. "Why not?" Kate asks gently. She can't imagine Castle would be anything other than supportive.
"You didn't see him around Ashley. He was awful," Alexis says, face still covered. "And ugh. He—he gave me the talk but it was so awkward, and I just—please, can't I get something with a low co-pay I can put on my card?"
Kate sighs. She didn't see this one coming—having to talk to both Castles about birth control, for Little Castle. Ugh. But then she looks at Alexis, who lowers her hand, lip between her teeth, looking so young and uncomfortable. Not nearly so terrible for her as it must be for Alexis.
"I'm sure your dad can handle it. I'll talk to him with you if you want," she offers. "And I can take you to my doctor back in the city. She's great. Very supportive and happy to answer questions. I've been going to her since I was your age, and she's kept up on all the best methods."
Alexis considers her for a long moment before nodding. "Okay. Thanks."
Kate smiles. "No thanks necessary. And Alexis," she adds, feeling like she needs to stick up for Castle a bit—knows he wants and will do whatever's best for his baby. "You can talk to your dad about anything. You know that, right?"
Alexis nods quickly. "I do. I do." Kate smiles. "I just—some things you shouldn't have to go to your dad for, you know?" Alexis whispers.
And oh, she knows what Alexis means. She never wanted to ask her father for anything woman related, not before her mother died, and not after. Every conversation about sex was awkward, every trip to the gynecologist on his medical was torture. How she wanted and yearned for her mother when things got complicated. She still does—still wants to ask about love and babies and sometimes even sex—wants her perspective and her wisdom and her hugs, telling her everything will be okay.
Meredith isn't here to answer these questions, or at least, Alexis doesn't seem to want to ask them long-distance.
"You can ask me anything, anytime," she promises. Alexis smiles and curls closer. "I may have to consult with your dad sometimes. But you can always, always ask."
"I know," Alexis says, her forehead resting against Kate's collarbone. "I'm—I'm really glad you're here," she whispers.
Kate smiles and kisses the top of her head. "Me too, Alexis."
(…)
"Castle, why are you following me?" she hisses as he trails her down the feminine products aisle. "I can do this on my own."
"I know. But I'm curious."
"About what tampons I like?" She turns back and catches a glimpse of his sheepish nod. "Dear God, Castle, not everything I do is observation worthy."
He smiles. "I beg to differ."
"Is this—what do you get out of this? What does it tell you? Are you comparing methods?" She comes to a halt. "Is this—like, a girlfriend thing? A wife thing?"
"What?" he asks, stepping back from her as they stand in front of the unusually large selection of tampons and pads. She's surprised they have so many brands at this tiny Hannaford.
"Is this—are you comparing what I use to what…other women use?"
His eyes go wide and he gapes at her. "No. No no no, not—I'm—wow, okay, going to get the ground beef now."
He about faces and speeds away, a hunch to his shoulders. She sighs. She doesn't think it was a weird conclusion to come to—the man was watching her buy tampons.
She winces a moment later. Maybe he was trying to figure out her brand so he could come get them later. Oh, wow, and she went to—yeesh.
She quickly scoops up her preferred brand and Alexis', shoving them into the basket she's carrying before wandering down the aisle to find the meat section. She needs to kiss this one better, she thinks.
Unless he was seriously comparing her tampon preferences to Gina's for analytical purposes.
She pauses as she reads the signs above the aisles. She's compared condom brands before. Huh, she doesn't even know his preferred brand. They just…skipped right over that, since she's got it covered. What brand of condoms does Richard Castle like?
She smiles slowly. Oh, she can so fix this.
She finds him considering two brands of beef, a look of intense concentration on his face.
"What's it down to?" she asks.
He glances at her and then back to the meat. "Fat content."
"Higher fat, for sure," she says, laughing as he grins.
"I keep forgetting you're both still trying to gain," he mumbles, plopping the meat into her basket. He meets her eyes. "Well, I mean—I'm used to doing skinny stuff for you. I haven't forgotten that…never mind."
Kate smiles and steps into him, arching up to kiss his cheek as he automatically steadies her with a hand on his waist. "I get it," she tells him. "Now, come back with me. I want your opinion."
He gives her a quizzical look but takes her hand all the same, allowing her to lead him back into the tampon aisle. Only this time, she bypasses all of the blood-related products and pulls them to a stop in front of the rather smaller display of condoms, lubricants, and general intercourse-related creams.
"Uh, Kate?" Castle mumbles.
She laughs and squeezes his hand. "I know we don't usually use them, but I thought—well," she pauses, blushing deeply. Oh, she really didn't think this through.
Biting her lip, she gestures to the feminine products, then back to the condoms. It takes him about five seconds.
"Oh," he exclaims, loudly.
"Castle," she hisses, covering her cheek with her free hand.
"Oh," he repeats, softer. "I, ah, have some at home," he whispers, meeting her eyes briefly, both of them embarrassed.
"What brand?" she asks, because that was really what she wanted to know—initially hadn't meant—but she wonders if he'd be interested…
He reaches out for a box of Durex, extra sensitive condoms and plops them into the basket.
She nods, both of them still staring straight at the display. "Tampax, by the way."
"What?" he says, looking back at her.
She shrugs and points into the basket. "Tampax Pearl, if you ever, um, need to grab some."
"Oh. Right. Okay," he says, fiddling with the bottom of his tee shirt.
They stand for a long moment, quiet, until a teenager rushes down the aisle, stopping behind them and trying to peer around them at the condoms. She can practically feel his pubescent hormones.
Kate and Castle's eyes meet and they both bite their lips. Castle drags her quickly from the aisle and down another before tugging her in to muffle his laughter in her hair. She snickers into his chest.
"Have I mentioned that I'm glad you're old?"
"What?" he yelps.
She pulls back and laughs, reaching up to run her finger down his cheek. "Virile old, Castle. Not…that," she says, gesturing to the other aisle. "Lots and lots of stamina."
He smiles at her, a little dangerous. "Lots and lots," he agrees. "Want a demonstration?"
"In the cat food aisle?" she asks, stepping back to relieve a bit of the tension.
He blinks and looks around. "Oh, well, no. Not really my idea of exhibitionism."
"Balcony sex," she agrees.
He grins. "Balcony sex. Definitely. Tonight?"
She gapes at him. Right, he has a balcony here too. A few of them, actually. But they should certainly stick to the one off their bedroom, when everyone's asleep, with the lights off.
Some crude jokes she can handle, but Alexis seeing them having sex? No. No, too scarring.
"We'll see," she hedges, tamping down the thrill of the idea. They're in the supermarket, after all. And there's dinner with the family yet to get through. And she's already started a bit. Balcony sex could be messier than she'd like at this point.
"Sometime while we're here," he says, winking at her. She laughs, but doesn't dismiss the idea. He grins and grabs her hand, leading her back out of the aisle and toward the dairy section. "Come on, we need biscuits too."
(…)
"Dad, these are so good," Alexis exclaims, reaching for a second burger.
Kate smiles, watching Castle's eyes light up. "They really are," she adds, before popping the last of her first into her mouth.
He even made homemade aioli for them, garlic and basil. He toasted the buns, and did them with all different kinds of cheese. They're smoky and perfect, and she's tempted to take a second just like Alexis.
But there are fries too, and biscuits, and mashed potatoes, and grilled corn and peppers. She doesn't even remember buying half of it with him. It was like after their promise of balcony sex, he used all of his extra sexual tension to go overboard cooking. And it worked, big time.
"I for one cannot eat another bite," Martha declares, throwing her napkin onto the table and stretching out in her chair. The ocean laps in the distance, the sun setting and casting shadows over their table on the deck.
"Not even cheesecake?" Alexis asks around a mouthful.
"Cheesecake, you say?" Martha asks, opening one eye where she's slumped gracelessly in her seat.
"Kate made it," Castle adds, polishing off an ear of corn.
Okay, so she may have gotten swept up too.
"Oh, dear, well, if Katherine made it," Martha decides, waving a hand.
"Maybe we take a movie break?" Kate suggests with a laugh as Castle slumps back as well. Alexis is going for more potatoes.
"Yes," Castle and Martha exclaim at once.
"Sure," Alexis offers with a shrug, adding salt to her potatoes.
Kate winces, but doesn't say anything. She knows the pull of salt too, but it always makes her cramps worse—always bloats her up and makes her feel icky and horrible. She glances at her own plate. Well shit, that's—everything. Everything has salt.
But those peppers do look good, and the aioli was so delicious—fuck it. She's having more.
"Maybe we should be menstrual more often," Alexis says, watching Kate slather her pepper in sauce.
Castle grunts. "What?"
"Well, look at the food you make for us," Alexis replies with a grin.
He laughs. "Kate helped."
"She can't be held responsible for her actions. It's cravings," Alexis says, swiping a finger to pick up the last of the sauce on her plate.
"I'm not a slave to my cravings," Kate mumbles. Alexis raises an eyebrow. "What, you don't want cheesecake?"
The teen laughs. "I'm just saying. Dad takes good care of us."
Castle blushes and Kate smiles as Martha reaches over to pat his arm. "Yeah, he does," Kate agrees. "And so upbeat for a man in the middle of all these hormones."
He laughs and looks between them. "Ladies, I will take whatever you want to dish out."
"He never did yell at me when I was thirteen and freaked out," Alexis says, smiling at her dad.
"Of course not!" Castle yelps. "You—I would never yell at you. It sucks to be a girl. I wouldn't add to that. You needed ice cream and snuggles."
"I know. But not all dads do, so thanks, you know?"
Castle bobs his head slowly, looking a little out of his element. "Anytime, pumpkin."
Alexis smiles and glances at Kate, her cheeks a little pink. "Cheesecake?"
All three adults groan but the teenager just laughs and gets up, headed back into the house to grab the dessert.
"Next time, let's just have sex," Kate mumbles as Castle wraps his arm around her.
He laughs against her ear. "But cheesecake."
She giggles and turns to kiss his cheek. "You okay?"
He nods, glancing toward his mother, who's falling asleep in her chair. "Love my women."
Kate squeezes his thigh. "We love you too. Even if we're all bloaty and gross."
"Never gross," he mumbles.
Alexis walks back out, carrying the admittedly oversized cheesecake Kate put together, complete with raspberry drizzle and chocolate sauce.
"Oh, God. We're all going to die," Castle says, before sitting up and taking the largest slice.
Kate laughs.
(…)
She's not going to cry. She's going to push herself to sit up, then stand up, then walk into the bathroom like the adult she is, then curl up next to the toilet, and sob.
"Kate?"
She groans. Damn. She thought he'd sleep through. It's then she realizes that she's rocking in place, curled up in the fetal position. It just sucks sucks sucks to be a girl.
She feels his hand tentatively brush over her shoulder. "Dream or cramp?" he asks softly.
She works her mouth open but clamps it shut at the wave of nausea that rises. She raises her hand, sticking out two fingers.
"Okay," he murmurs.
She feels him rise from the bed and presses her cheek back into the pillow. Castle will fix it, she tells herself, ignoring the fact that he can't fix it, of course. But he can. He can fix anything. Right now, she's willing to believe that those powers encompass killer cramps and nausea and a general feeling of horribleness.
"Here."
She blinks her eyes open and finds him crouched at her bedside with a glass of water and a pill. She swallows hard. She's not going to be sick, she doesn't think. She can do this.
She lets him help her sit up, and manages to choke down the pill before collapsing back down. Is this how Alexis felt yesterday? She needs to buy the kid a pony or something.
She loses track of him as the cramp tightens. Her whole abdomen is on fire, her back a mangled, twisted fist at the base of her spine. All of the scars feel tight, the fabric of his over-large tee shirt scratching against her skin.
Her cramps weren't this bad after the shooting. This is a newer, special kind of hell.
It will pass. She knows, on a base level, that it will pass.
"Fuck," she mumbles, tears pushing out of her eyes.
His arm slides around her, and his body fits against hers, a wall of warmth behind her. He slithers his hand down between her knees and stomach, magic fingers massaging gently, and she uncurls a little.
"Okay?" he whispers.
"Mm," she hums, clutching at his arm.
"I'd say give them to me, but I think I'd be screaming."
She huffs a little laugh at that. "Maybe."
He's so warm and solid and lovely behind her and around her. She relaxes a little more as the cramp begins to ease. It's probably the meds he gave her, but it feels like it's just him, and his body, and his Castle.
"Mother likes to say God should be a woman, but I could never get on board with it, you know?" he says, his voice low and soft. "What woman would devise this system?"
"Crazy one," Kate acknowledges. "Just like a guy though."
He grunts. "Not any kind of good guy," he says firmly. "No one man should wish this on a woman, much less the woman he loves."
"S'not so bad," she says, cuddling back against him as she finally lowers her legs. He splays his hand over her abdomen, pressing in, broad and warm.
"S'totally so bad," he argues. "Never want to see you in pain. And I can't even be mad at someone, because it's your uterus, and I love your uterus."
Kate laughs, sniffling. "Castle."
"What?" he mumbles. "I do!"
She smiles and strokes her fingers up and down his arm. "It does not love me right now."
"Is it always this bad?" he asks gently.
"No," she says quickly. "No. Just…first one in a while. And," she grimaces as her hip twinges, "the muscle stuff didn't do me any favors."
"I could kill him," Castle growls after a moment.
Kate shakes her head. "I did, Castle. He paid with his life."
"Not enough," he says, holding her tighter. "Bad enough with everything else he did, but this too? I could just—" he trails off, but the tension in his frame tells her enough.
"I'm okay," she promises, shifting slowly in his hold until she can flip to face him. That broad, strong palm immediately begins kneading into her sacrum and she melts against him. "Really," she adds, reaching up to rub his cheek. "I'm okay. This sucks, but it's not forever. And you're here. I'm good."
He bends and kisses her forehead. "I know," he says, meeting her eyes in the dim moonlight filtering in from the balcony. "Still hate him."
"Me too," she agrees.
He sighs and slides his leg between hers. It shifts the angle of her hips and she groans. He goes to pull away but she holds his body in place.
"Stretching," she says, pressing her pelvis into his. "Feels good."
"I think about it sometimes," Castle says after a quiet minute.
"What?"
"The basement."
She sighs and curls her hand into the tee shirt he wears. "Castle."
"What it must have been like, how you guys dealt. Alexis told me a little at first, and you both told me the basics, but just—three weeks, Kate. How did you deal? Did you," he kneads deeper into her back.
"No," she says, blowing the word out of her mouth.
They've never really discussed it, he's right. They've talked about the trauma, about the aftermath, the major points, but the day to day?
"No, neither of us got a period, thank God."
"Good," he whispers.
"The stomach cramps were almost worse though," she admits. "I don't know if you've ever been really hungry."
"Not like that," he says, his voice gruff.
"It was like this spreading, burning pain that flared out along your ribs, cut up and down your abdomen, squeezed at your back." He breathes out shakily along her forehead. "It was almost worse when it stopped, you know?"
"Stopped?"
"I ate less than Alexis," she explains. "Half a piece a day, usually. And after a while, it just…stopped hurting. Or I stopped noticing."
"You had other pain to deal with by then, I bet," he mumbles.
"Yeah," she agrees. It's funny, she doesn't really notice her hunger pains now either. She wonders idly if she ever has time to get them these days, with the way Castle keeps them plied with food and drink.
"What did you guys do all day?"
This one is easy. "We talked."
Castle huffs. "About?"
"Everything," she says, smiling. "You, boys, school, cases we'd both worked, her hopes for the future, my hopes for the future. You," she adds. "A lot of you."
"You mentioned," he says, nuzzling at her. "And you never ran out of things?"
"One of us would get antsy before the silence went too long," Kate recounts. "I—any time I wanted to just be quiet and suffer, I thought of you, and what you would do—how you would work to keep her going, keep her sane and hopeful, and I couldn't let myself not try."
"Kate."
"Thinking about you, and what you would do, what I wished you would do if you had been there—that's what helped me get us through."
His hand leaves her back then, snaking up to cup her cheek and draw her mouth to his. His kiss is insistent, desperate, and she lets him take it, channels all of her feeling and gratitude and love into the press of his lips against hers.
"I wanted to be there," he whispers as they break apart. "I wished every day it was me instead of Alexis. But I never wished it was me instead of you. And I'm sorry that it was you."
Kate shakes her head, raising her hand to tug on his ear. "Of course you wished yourself into Alexis' place. I wanted the same, Castle."
"But I—I just wanted to help," he tries to explain. "I wanted you out. And I wanted to find you. And I didn't—all I could think was that at least if it had been you and me I could have taken him down. But if you couldn't do it, I don't know why I thought I could have."
She stokes his cheek, trying to calm him down. "You wanted to help."
"It didn't do any good. It just made me angry that you were both taken and I wasn't, and he was punishing you to get to me."
"Castle," she insists, pulling up to be on his eye level. "It wasn't your fault. All this time—hey, babe," she prompts, waiting until he meets her eyes. "It wasn't your fault."
"I know," he mumbles slowly. "I just—I hate that it happened, and we left you to fight your way out. And you're still paying for that. I hate it."
She nods, pressing her forehead to his. "I hate it too—not because I think you and the guys didn't do everything you could, but because it always feels like you do."
"I'm trying," he whispers.
"You did everything you could. I—Castle, God, I replay those weeks over and over in my head, wondering what if. What if I had just taken the gamble, tried to disarm him the first day? What if I had gotten the knife away and kicked the gun out of his hand? What if I'd just been a bit braver, could we have gotten out faster—"
"Kate," he exclaims. "No."
She laughs. "See? We all have the what ifs."
"You gave him your body for her, Kate. I—you couldn't have—how can you even—"
"I know," she cuts in, giving him a sad smile. "Believe me, Burke and I have been over it. But I still think it, just like you do about finding us."
He sighs and pulls her close. She nestles her face in the crook of his neck, hitching her thigh over his. His arms tighten around her and she kisses his throat.
"You're safe now," he whispers.
She nods against him. "I know. You're here."
He clutches at her and she feels him swallow, his Adam's apple bobbing next to her nose. "I'm here."
