A/N - This chapter includes a point of contention for several of the readers that have already read it. Please know that this was not written for shock value. I see this story play out in my mind - it rolls through like a film and I stay true to it, tell it honestly and listen to my inner voice. It should be said that ultimately this is intended to be a happy ending kind of fic, the road to happy isn't always paved smooth. Thank you for your support. I hope you stick with me after this.


Chapter 28

Charlie's obituary was in the paper on Friday. Being that he had been the Chief of Police, his passing was front page material. The image of him in uniform was printed in color and had been taken right before he became ill. The picture reflected Charlie perfectly, handsome and proud, without any hint of arrogance. He looked heroic without trying.

Alice and Emmett kept a close watch on me but respected when I needed space. I was so grateful for their presence, without them there was almost no one.

I was thankful not to be inundated with bouquets – Charlie had requested that donations be made, both locally and to the ALS Association, in lieu of flowers.

Emily and Sue came over on Saturday afternoon with a crock full of chili and a pan of enchiladas. All of the close family friends were rallying around me. The highlight of those dim few days, however, was a delivery of cookies I received from Edward. He had written the note in his own hand, which I knew as well as my own from my frequent readings of the Christmas card. The words were caring and appropriate, and I couldn't help but yearn for his presence.

Bella,

Nothing can begin to compare to what you bake, but I thought it would be nice to send something sweet anyway.

Thinking of you,

Edward

I really wanted to call him and beg him to come over, but I felt I was somehow juggling fire having both him and Emmett around. I decided it would be best to wait until the pomp and circumstance of the funeral was over. I decided to send him a text rather than call; I tapped it out three times and erased it before choosing a simple acknowledgment.

Best part of today was receiving the package from you. Thinking of you, too...Bella.

Sunday arrived and I felt oddly at peace, more so than I had since I lost my dad. I had cried so much that I think I was finally stripped of my ability to shed tears. The service was scheduled for three o'clock, allowing for plenty of time to prepare myself, though I had not a clue of how to prepare myself at all. The Forks police department, at Sam's insistence, had arranged for a picnic at the park following the service.

I was anxious for the day to be over as quickly at possible. It wasn't about saying goodbye to Charlie, but more about the amount of people expected to attend the service. I was petrified of the looks of pity and expressions of remorse. I was, however, looking forward to seeing Edward. The past few days I had felt like I was a mere observer rather than an active participant in my own life. Nothing felt real and I felt nothing. I was stunned by my grief into a state of merely existing. When I thought of Edward it somehow reminded me to breathe.

By two-thirty I was dressed and as ready to face the funeral as I was every going to be. I didn't wear black; I was wearing the navy-blue "Charlie" dress that Alice had designed, her idea of course. The dress was actually the hit of her line with the design house and they had ordered it for market; I wore the original. She had made some minor alterations to the dress and it really fit as though it was meant for me.

I rode to the service with Alice, Jasper and Emmett. My puffy eyes were hidden behind large sunglasses; I felt like a cliché. As we pulled up to the park it was easy to see that a great deal of people had already arrived.

My eyes immediately darted to the casket, adorned with narcissus and sterling roses, embellished with navy ribbons. The arrangements were beautiful and understated, a lump formed in my throat at the sight of them. Sam, Joshua and Paul were standing close by, all wearing their police officer finery. As I exited the car, Alice held my hand and I led her to Charlie's protégés. I was aware that everyone had recognized that I arrived and they parted like the Nile as I walked towards the casket. I was immediately engulfed by the three officers and let go of Alice's hand. Each of them whispered their condolences. Billy must have arrived shortly after that and he appeared behind me; he looked pretty dapper. He wore a pale gray suit that complemented his luminous brown skin. Jacob and Rosalie were with him, but they keep a respectful distance.

"Hi, girl," Billy greeted me. I like how he addressed me like it was just another day; it added an air of levity to the moment. He thumped on the casket gently with his palm. "Today is about celebrating life, got it?"

I nodded.

"Good. I wanted to ask you before things get started, do you want to speak?"

I stuttered my answer, panic and anxiety gripping me, guilt twining in my stomach. "I don't think I can. Is that...awful?"

"No, honey. It's not. How you get through this day is your choice. Besides, your dad wouldn't want you to be put on the spot. I can thank everyone for being here on your behalf and...his." He glanced at the casket, but his eyes didn't linger on it.

"Thanks for doing this. For him...for...me."

"Charlie and I first discussed this quite a while ago and had many talks during the course of things. It's my pleasure to honor my dearest friend this way. I'm prepared."

I smiled at him and felt for his loss in this. None of us could experience our grief in the exact same way; it was a uniquely personal experience. In that moment I wanted for Billy to have his friend as much as I wanted to have my father.

"Pardon me," his velvet voice cut in from behind.

Edward.

"Hello, Edward," Billy greeted. "If you two will excuse me, I'm going to take a few ticks to compose myself." He didn't hesitate, immediately wheeling himself away.

"Sorry to interrupt," Edward apologized.

I felt as though I hadn't seen him in weeks.

"Don't be," I replied, turning to face him. I couldn't help but be startled by his good looks. I felt a tad disrespectful, considering I was at my dad's funeral, but I had no energy for anything but instinctual reactions. He wore a crisp white shirt, the top two buttons undone, revealing just a touch of chest hair and the ridge of his clavicle. He wore steel-gray slacks and sunglasses obscured his green eyes, his hair tastefully unruly.

He wrapped me up in the tightest of hugs and spoke under his breath into my ear. "How are you holding up?"

"Right at this moment, I'm okay. I'm sorry I haven't called, it's just..." I tapered off, having lost my train of thought.

"I understand," he assured, still not letting go. "You can call me whenever the time feels right. Take as long as you need."

We were so close I could feel his rib cage press into mine with every exhale. I hadn't realized I was standing on my toes until he released me. I felt the lack of warmth instantly and missed the closeness. Then I noticed how large the mass of people had grown.

There were literally hundreds of people, and I didn't recognize but a handful of them. I could count the familiar faces on two-and-a-half hands and was moved by the outpouring Charlie had inspired.

"Are you here alone?" I asked him.

"No, my parents are here. They didn't want to overwhelm you but they wanted to be here."

"I think it's impossible not to be overwhelmed at this point. I mean, look at this," I said, extending a hand in the direction of the assembly of people. "I'm so honored that your parents came."

He looked at me with a tender expression of admiration on his face. "Charlie was an astounding human being. That's what's being reinforced here."

"I know. I'm just in awe of it all."

Alice came up behind Edward. "They're asking us to take our seats, sweetie. Edward, are you sitting with us?"

"Yes," I answered for him. "I mean, if you're okay with that."

"I'm honored."

Edward took the end seat and I sat down next to him. Alice took my other side and Jasper was next to her. Emmett decided to sit directly behind me. I was covered on all sides.

Billy began the service just moments later. He took us all on a journey through Charlie's life. They had known each other since they were ten, so there were many stories to share. He talked about the dignity Charlie had carried himself with up until and through his final moments. He spoke of his life on the force and his passion for leisurely pastimes like fishing, watching sports and drinking beer. And then he talked about me.

I squirmed in my chair as I held hands with both Edward and Alice.

"Love is something beautiful and natural. It comes from a place that none of us know, and to witness it firsthand is an incredible sight. Those of you who knew Charlie well know that he had one great love. The gravity of this love was demonstrated when it was returned by his beautiful daughter, Bella. I have known Isabella Swan from the day she was born. I've watched her grow into an amazing young woman. I am so proud of how she carried herself and supported her father throughout the last several years. She was the source of his greatest happiness in life, and he was at peace with what he was facing because of the legacy he knew he was leaving behind." I felt Emmett's hand squeeze my shoulder from behind. Edward's grip on my hand tightened. I think I was on a different plane, surely his words would have made any normal person cry, but I sat there tearless as he continued to speak about my father.

After he had finished, Billy invited others to come up to share their memories of Charlie. Sam and Paul both said a few words, as well as Harry Clearwater. But then came the faces I didn't recognize, the unknowns. The way Charlie had touched perfect strangers showed me just how far his kindness reached. A woman named Penny spoke of a time she was stranded on the side of the rode with a flat and how Charlie had stopped to fix it for her on his way home from a week in Seattle. He wasn't on duty. She had been passed up by several motorists, none of whom had come to her aid. There was a restaurateur that stood up to say that Charlie, on a whim, had bought lunch for the entire lunch crowd. These little stories were like sparks of light, burning brighter with each pass of the microphone. I stopped counting after fifteen.

I briefly considered standing up, but couldn't will myself to move. I had no idea what to say. I felt I would either get up there and not say enough or ramble like a fool. After everyone who wanted to speak had, Billy resumed his spot next to Charlie.

He placed a hand on the casket before concluding the service. He thanked everyone who had come and invited everyone to the picnic directly following before imparting his final message.

"Charlie will always be my personal hero. He lived to serve and did so with humility. His close friends were few but the lives he touched were in the thousands. He loved his daughter without condition and raised her to be an upstanding, loving young woman. He will live on through her. And so we are gathered here, all of us with our own reason, but for the same purpose, to celebrate the life of Charles Swan, my hero, my brother and closest friend." He thumped gently on the casket and said under his breath, "Love you, buddy." It was the only moment I shed a tear.

Billy made eye contact with me and nodded. I stood from my seat. I let go of Edward's hand but tugged on Alice's. I walked up to the casket and removed one of the roses adorning it. I didn't care that there were hundreds of people staring directly at me. I brought the soft petals to my lips and kissed them, before placing the rose back on top of the casket. I smoothed my hand over the polished surface of the casket before joining Billy. The first notes of "Feeling Good" began sounding in the background. The song was haunting and uplifting, at least how Nina Simone sang it. The lyrics were incredibly fitting and poignant, though tears still evaded me. They would come later. Alice didn't leave my side, not even when Emmett joined us at the front. Edward waited for his parents to rejoin him before they approached me.

Esme gave me the warmest hug and a sweet smile. She didn't say anything. Carlisle followed her lead and leaned down to give me a hug himself. "I will always be grateful that I crossed paths with Charlie. I'm in awe of his amazing spirit." He stepped away and Edward was there, his head tilted down, his eyes heavy with sorrow – his own – as he moved towards me. It also didn't escape my notice that Emmett postured himself so that he was nearer to me. I blocked it out and hugged Edward.

I whispered so quietly, I wasn't sure he would hear me. "Hold me just a little longer. I need to catch my breath before the onslaught begins."

He didn't answer but he pulled me tightly to his chest. My heels lifted off the ground, and I soaked in the moment of comfort.

I didn't want him to pull away, but I was anxious to get the rest of the afternoon over with. I just wanted to go home.

"Are you going to be okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, I think so. Please, help yourself to some food. And thank you so much for everything."

He looked at me with fondness. "It doesn't have to end here."

My heart skipped two beats, maybe three.

"I'm sort of counting on that."

"I'll let you get this over with." His parting words reflected my feelings, once again.

I nodded and offered a fraction of a smile. While I was approached by several people I had never met, and a few I had, I was on auto pilot. I tried to be sweet but really had no energy to put up anything more than a polite front. The procession seemed to stretch on for miles. I found myself scanning the crowd for Edward as often as I could without looking ridiculously obvious. I spotted him a few times as I partially listened to the unending barrage of condolences. Emmett and Alice were my pillars, constantly with me. By the time the mourners finally started to dissipate, Edward had already gone. The sun was quickly fading into the background, as the evening light moved into place. Although Alice and Emmett radiated comfort, Edward was the one I longed for. I craved his presence, ached for it. I almost felt sickened by the lack of nearness. Thoughts of him inspired thoughts of the empty house I would be returning to, and I began to feel a panicked grief consume me. But then, suddenly, I was numb again.

"Would you like anything to eat?" It was Jasper who spoke.

I snapped out of the stupor I didn't realize I was in and shook my head. "I just want to go back to the house." The house that no longer felt like a home.

"We'll take you," Alice said.

I said goodbye to the Clearwaters, Sam, Paul, Josh, Emily, Jacob and Rosalie before turning to Billy.

"I'll be in touch," I said to him as I wrapped my arms around him.

"I look forward to it."

"Thanks for today." I looked at him with admiration. He was so strong to do what he had.

"Thank you for what you did. You let him keep his dignity. He was a happy man."

"I love you, Billy Black."

"Shucks, girl. I thought I told you not to say such things."

"Too bad."

After another hug, Alice walked me to the car; Jasper had pulled it up to the curb. Emmett was seated in the passenger seat. Alice sat in the back seat with me and we pulled away; I didn't look back.

"Bella." Alice saying my name barely registered, I was somewhere else.

"Bella, "she repeated.

I snapped out of my daze. "I'm sorry, what?"

She rubbed my arm; I wanted it to be Edward's caress, though she comforted me in other ways. What had I turned into?

"Em and I can stay with you tonight."

"No, that's okay," I protested weakly.

Emmett piped up from the front.

"Iz, you aren't going to be alone, not tonight," he said with loving authority.

"Okay." I had nothing left to fight their insistence. "Jasper and Alice can have the guest room upstairs. Em, you can stay in my room."

He turned around in his seat, his eyes capturing mine.

"I'll take the couch," I answered the question his eyes implied.

He just shook his head in disbelief and turned back around.

We arrived back at the house shortly thereafter. It was only seven but I was ready to crash.

"I think I'm going to go to sleep immediately if you don't mind. I'll just grab my pajamas from upstairs."

"Whatever you need, sweetie," Alice said, her arms coming around me in a hug.

We walked upstairs, all four of us. Alice gave me a huge hug. "I can stay on the couch with you."

"No, you two make yourselves at home," I said, looking between her and Jasper. "I couldn't have survived today without you."

"Love you, B."

"Love you, A."

"Goodnight," Jasper said in his deep tenor.

"Night."

Alice took his hand, resting her head on his shoulder as they retreated to the guest room. Emmett followed me into my room.

"Izzy, I'm not going to take your bed. Either I take the couch or we stay in here together." He wasn't being an ass, he was clearly just concerned.

"Fine, we can stay in here together. I just want to get out of these clothes and lie down." I grabbed some pajamas and walked into the bathroom to change. When I came back, he was already under the covers. Thankfully his t-shirt was on. We had spent hundreds of nights together, but it was strange to have him in my bed again. I slipped under the sheet beside him.

We were lying there, facing each other, but my eyes refused to focus. Suddenly my mind decided to play a trick on me. I was sifted back to my past, Emmett and I were still married and Charlie was still alive. The numbness of the present remained with me in the strange flashback. I had somehow built an anesthetizing cocoon around myself.

"Iz." My eyes attempted to refocus on the present, but I was rooted in the past.

"Izzy."

I was lost.

"Come back to me." His voice held a maturity it hadn't before. He reached out, wrapping his arm around me. I was immediately struck by how different his hold was compared to Edward's.

Edward.

It was him I wanted in my bed.

My mind continued to work against me. I was losing my grasp on reality. I looked up and for a brief moment, Edward was the one in front of me.

His arm squeezed me closer, it was Emmett again. He soothed my head with his heavy hand. It felt so foreign compared to Edward's touch, yet I knew it. My body started to respond of its own accord. I hadn't been with anyone intimately in so long.

"I want to make it go away, "Emmett said in a soft gruff. He kissed one eye, then the other. He followed with the tip of my nose before finding my lips.

I didn't push away but I thought of Edward. It was horrible, it was wrong, but I was not in control of my response. Emmett kissed me, applying more pressure. I felt my frozen nerves begin to thaw.

I screamed inside my head, "Edward," but I found myself allowing the kiss to continue. The numbness continued to subside and my hormones were coursing through my body. My physical response was powerful; my hormones had been aroused for over a year by the presence of Edward.

Emmett's hands started exploring my body with that unfamiliar familiarity, and I pressed my body closer to his.

I wanted Edward, but Emmett's lips were the ones at my throat and his had had found its way up and underneath my shirt.

"Do you want me to stop?" he practically grunted.

"No," I breathed, giving in, feeling again.

Soon the pajamas became pointless as he tenderly removed all obstacles. He was giving himself over to me and I couldn't deny I wanted the satisfaction I knew was on the way. Though we had love for each other, this was sex. I wasn't even present with him; my mind and heart were out of my body and with Edward.

I pushed aside the shame I felt for multiple reasons. I was using Emmett, and on some level I felt that I was betraying Edward. I let my mind float away as I gave myself over to my desire to feel something. It wasn't long before I lost myself in Emmett's arms.

I woke up with the weight of a heavy arm across my body. He was breathing heavy and sleeping deeply, obviously satisfied by our night together. I felt, surprisingly...okay. Physically I was pleasantly sore; emotionally I wasn't drowning in guilt, though there was a smidge of it when I thought of Edward.

Really, there was no reason for it, we weren't together, we hadn't even kissed. Still, I had been waiting patiently to hand my heart over to him for so long, and I hoped he was waiting to do the same. I had to believe our chemistry wasn't imagined.

Sun began streaming through the windows and the room grew noticeably warmer. I turned around to face Emmett, trying my best not to wake him. It didn't work. He opened his eyes.

"Hey," he said, in a husky morning voice.

"Hey yourself."

He ran the back of his hand down my bare arm. "You okay?" he asked, his sincerity stabbing me sharply. I knew I couldn't let him believe this was a reconciliation.

"I'm good," I answered, stalling.

"You look good. It's nice waking up with you." His eyes were glossy with lust.

I couldn't help but laugh.

"What?" he asked, dumbfounded.

"Em, last night was...last night." I looked at him, giving him all the love I could muster in a glance.

"So we're not doing this, huh? We're not going to give this another go?"

I shook my head, too choked up to answer him verbally right away. I hated that I was turning away the easy comfort he offered, but I had to be honest with myself and him. "Don't you see? This is the way we get through things. We avoid the difficult emotions through...sex."

A look of recognition crossed his features just before a smirk appeared on his lips.

"What?" I asked.

"It's just great to get you naked again. Even after almost five years I haven't forgotten what makes you go wild."

I slugged him good mid-bicep. "Shut up."

He just laughed at my sudden embarrassment.

"So, have you been with other girls?" I asked, curious.

"Oh...uh, yeah. What about you? Have there been others?"

"Nope."

Disbelief appeared as a mask on his face. "But...no one? Really?"

"No one. Don't pity me though. Having the time I did with my dad was more important. I can't think of how it could have been better spent. Now, well...now-" I welled up, unable to continue. I tried desperately to suck the tears back up. Emmett waited patiently for my composure to return.

"I guess now I finally get the time to figure myself out." Edward fluttered through my thoughts, contradicting my declaration.

"Is there someone else?" Emmett asked. I didn't know if he really wanted to know the answer.

"Maybe."

"It's Edward, isn't it?"

I averted my eyes. I wasn't comfortable discussing it with him.

"It's alright. You don't have to talk about it. I know. Iz, promise me one thing?"

"Depends on what it is," I answered.

"Don't forget about me."

I met his eyes with mine again as I furrowed my brow. "I couldn't if I tried. You are a friend for life. I love you."

He laughed. "But you're not in love with me."

I laughed, too. I shook my head and leaned in, placing a firm kiss against his lips. It was goodbye. We finally had closure.

I was done with goodbyes and ready to take on the future. I would make my dad proud and seek my own happiness. I knew what I wanted, and I hoped he wanted me.


This is where the Em/B interaction ends, I assure you. I'm not sorry for writing but I do apologize to those of you that may find this to be upsetting. I think we all know who Bella belongs with, ultimately. Thank you for reading.