The Hellsing Files:

Lobo "Field Trial"

The man some called the Fat Major was making small talk with another man who looked suspiciously like a lawyer. The lawyer, a Jewish man, had initially had some reservations about working for Nazis, and so the Major had taken steps to reassure him.

"I've heard of civil war re-enactors…but World War Two?" The lawyer switched his briefcase from one hand to another, something he did when he was nervous.

The Major laughed politely and took a bite off a sausage he held with a fork. "It sounds crazy, yes, but we Germans have a love of history that is unrivaled amongst other nations."

The lawyer looked unsure. "I always thought the Germans hated talking about…"

"Major, you twelve o' clock is here," said a vampire Nazi corporal who had poked his head in through the office door.

"Ah," the Major said loudly, patting the lawyer on the back. "We will speak another time. And if thoughts of history plague you again, just think about how this upcoming, sure-to-be-landmark, civil rights case will make you ric…er, famous. Good day."

The lawyer walked nervously past the corporal and gasped slightly at the man standing in the other room awaiting his appointment with the Major.

"Outta my way, dweeb," Lobo said, shoving the lawyer to the side. The corporal turned and put his hand up.

"Halt. You have to be…" The corporal was interrupted by Lobo tearing his lower jaw off and ramming it through his eye sockets. The corporal stumbled backward and fell.

Unperturbed, the Major finished off his sausage and threw the fork on the corpse of the corporal. "Mr. Lobo I presume? What brings you to Brazil to join the Last Battalion?"

"Last Battalion?" Lobo said with a snarl. "Aw, Feetalgizz, I'm in the wrong spot. Stupid dame gave be bum directions….Hey, Fatty! Where's 'the Millennium Organization?'"

The Major smiled, seemingly pleased at Lobo's poor manners. "The directions you received are correct. The Last Battalion and Millennium are one in the same."

Lobo cocked an eyebrow. "Then what's with all the Swastikas? You bastiches ain't Nazis are ya? I'm a bad guy, but even I've got my limits, bub."

The Major sighed and feigned tired sadness. "Like I was telling Mr. Wrightstein before you arrived, we're World War Two re-enactors."

"I quit," Lobo said. "There's geeks and then there's geeks…"

"I don't think you understand, Mr. Lobo," the Major said, causing Lobo to stop before he walked out the door. "We are World War Two re-enactors."

"You're dweebs," Lobo said, continuing his exit.

"As in, we intend to re-enact World War Two…for real."

Lobo turned and began unraveling the hooked chain he kept wrapped around his wrist at all times. "For real huh? Listen ya anti-Semitic bastich, I…"

"Not the holocaust part, just the war," the Major said, holding his hand up and smiling disarmingly. "You don't want to blow up Englishmen?"

"Those geeks with the top hats who are always drinkin' tea? Of course I want to blow them up. When do we start?"

"Soon, but we must be patient. Why don't I introduce you to the other Werewolves?"

Lobo looked unsure and more than a little impatient. The Major led Lobo through the secret vampire Nazi complex while the space-biker-bounty hunter asked him questions about pay, work hours and what manner of booze they had in stock.

The Werewolves, only one of which was an actual werewolf, had assembled outside in front of a shooting range where other vampire Nazis were practicing shooting people.

"Ladies and gentlemen, meet Mr. Lobo. Our newest member. Unlike the other villainous characters we attempted to recruit before, Mr. Lobo isn't a "main bad-guy", if you will. Because he's more of a sideshow, he won't have as much of an ego…"

"What?" Lobo said, flatly.

"I was telling the them how you're much better than the other candidates we interviewed a few weeks ago. You'll take orders like a good soldier. Unlike that dreadful Hannibal Lecter and megalomaniacal Darth Vader."

Lobo did not look amused. "Did I hear you say sideshow?"

The Major coughed. The Werewolves all began slowly moving towards Lobo and the Major, seeking to get between the two. "I merely mean that…"

"Listen geek," Lobo said, pointing a large white finger at the Major. "I don't know who you're calling a sideshow. I have my own comic too ya know, which is more than you Shonen manga rejects can say…"

A day or so later, Integra was doing her best to conceal her amusement from Walter and Seras. "I told you I wasn't crazy, Walter," Integra said, rewinding the audio tape the bug she had secretly planted on Lobo had recorded. It would appear that insinuating that the Werewolves are cheap, Shonen manga villains is a sore spot for them."

"Sometimes I think they really do belong in Bleach or One Piece," Walter said, scratching absently at his arm cast.

"They've even got gimmicky attacks," Seras mused, fiddling with the breaks on her wheelchair. "Do we know how badly he injured them?"

Integra laughed. "Judging by the looks of you all and the screams on the tape, I'd say Millennium has received a serious setback in personnel."

Walter's normally placid features darkened. "Let us just hope he leaves the planet and never comes back."

Integra's laughter slowly died off. "The only thing that has me worried is that lawyer business we overheard. They're up to something…"

"That horrible Lobo probably killed the lawyer," Seras said. "Let's just be glad he's gone."

"Indeed," Integra said, lighting a cigar and thinking.

End Lobo Field Trial.