Chapter 28
Phoenix: Lisztomania
We have a serious damn problem.
Bigger than the Reapers, Saren, and the rest of what lies in wait for us.
We're all out of damn ice cream.
I scrape the bottom of the tub despondently with a spoon, to absolutely no avail. For God's sake, I just bought some when we were back on the Citadel! From my own money! I don't mind sharing if people ask…but it's all gone, and I've only had about two spoonfuls of it since I bought it. Plus, the bastard stealing it put the tub back into the fridge empty. That's just fucking rude.
I lob the tub into the rubbish compactor, sighing to myself as I settle down at the table in the mess hall by myself, cheese sandwich in front of me, no condiments, and bottle of juice just to my right. We've got an industrial amount of mayonnaise around here, but I hate the stuff. Now there's nothing for dessert, which sucks. I mean, it's lunchtime, but as far as I'm concerned ice-cream can and should be eaten with every meal. Now some bandit's stolen it.
Worrying about ice-cream is a hell of a lot better than worrying about the situation facing me, though. I take a bite out of the sandwich, leaning back in the chair and glancing around. The faint hum of the ship and all the machinery about are my only company, everyone else either up in the CIC or out on Wrex's mission. Except Liara and Tali…which is exactly why I'm up here, by myself.
Damn Wrex. Making me all paranoid. Well, more than usual. Virmire's got me stressing out already…and I find myself habitually picking apart my plan every time I think about it. Shepard could easily just say no at the time, we could get spread too thin and get nuked...
Stop thinking about it! I frown slightly, staring really damn hard at my sandwich to try and take my mind off things. Now Wrex has brought up romance in relation to Tali and Liara, it suddenly feels really awkward to talk to either of them. Worry that Liara's interested in me, and the knowledge I've got feelings for Tali. It's not that I haven't had girlfriends before…but I was confident around Rebecca. No such luck with Tali. I want to talk to her…but every time I think about doing it, Wrex's words spring back into my mind and I get hella nervous.
Great, the krogan's totally killed my banter with her. Plus I'll be examining every word Liara says for some kind of romantic undertone thanks to that bastard krogan. Getting nervous about Tali is just a side effect of how serious I'm getting about this, most likely…I haven't really felt this way before. Worrying about every word I say to her, in case I say the wrong thing.
I take another bite of the sandwich, chewing slowly as I lean back into the seat and stare up at the ceiling. I'm probably overdoing things…but I'm still feeling a little guilty about thinking of moving on so soon after Rebecca. Plus, I really don't want to cock up what I already have with Tali. Rejection is a scary prospect. Then again, I'm not going to get anywhere by not pursuing it.
"It's too bloody complex," I mutter to myself absent-mindedly.
"What is?" Tali asks, causing me to jump in surprise, knocking my chair over backwards with me on it, making me choke slightly on the half-eaten bit of sandwich still in my mouth. Shit! Where the fuck did she come from?
"What the hell?" I finally manage to splutter. "Are you trying to give me a heart attack?"
The quarian's body language shows shock as she looks down at me. "Keelah, I didn't expect you to react like that! Are you alright?" I look up at the quarian…and can't help but laugh at how absurd the situation is. I was worried about how to start a conversation, and it turns out falling off a chair and choking on a cheese sandwich is the best way to do it. Aw, fuck nervousness around Tali. We're friends, I can talk to her. Just because I'm developing feelings for her doesn't mean we can't talk like we normally do. Tali joins in laughing as well, as I clamber back up to my feet.
"I'm fine," I chuckle. "Just gave me a hell of a shock, that's all. What're you doing up here, except trying to scare me?"
She walks over to the kitchen area, talking as she goes. "I was hungry. Besides, you hadn't come to see me like you normally do." Crap, she noticed I was avoiding her…think of an excuse!
"I've kinda had a lot on," I say vaguely. Nice, Ian. "I just fancied something to eat before I came down to see you." I feel a little bad about lying…but then again, I'm hardly going to say 'actually, I'm avoiding you to avoid my feelings'. But hey, at least we've got some banter going now.
Tali seems convinced enough by it, body language becoming a bit more relaxed as she pulls…something out of the cupboard and sighs. "Nice someone around here looks forward to eating."
I turn on the chair to face her, and look at the paste the Alliance thinks passes as dextro-amino food. "What happened to those supplies Garrus got in for you two?"
"Gone," she shrugs. "They were nice while they lasted, but it makes it worse to go back to this stuff. I mean, at least the Alliance are giving us something, but it's a long way from good quarian food."
"I can imagine," I chuckle, as she takes her food over to the table and sits down next to me. Her arm brushes against mine as she sits down, but I pretend not to have noticed. Hell, she almost certainly didn't, thanks to the exo-suit… "The dextro-amino stuff Garrus used to eat when we were on the Citadel smelled nice. Looked good as well. I mean, turian and quarian food is probably different…but I'm fairly sure it's not supposed to look like that."
Tali shakes her head. "They give us some refined edible paste when we leave for Pilgrimage, but I ran out of that a while ago. The next best thing is specially purified turian food…but there's not much of that going around. What have you got?"
"Cheese sandwich. Want to try a little bit?" She shakes her head furiously. Whoops…
"Levo stuff is almost inedible," Tali laughs. "Beside, you'd have to make it into a paste or something for me to try some, if I even wanted to. What did you mean, Garrus's food smelled nice? Is dextro stuff okay for you?"
"It'll give me a reaction…but I've had little bits of turian food before and it's surprisingly nice," I admit. "Well, unless I accidentally ate too much and started throwing up." I know Garrus and Tali don't like the dextro stuff the Alliance put on, but I'm still a little curious as to whether it tastes as bad as it looks… "This might sound weird, but you don't mind if I try a bit of yours, do you?"
She shakes her head. "Go ahead. Don't have too much, though, I don't want to have to carry you over to the med-bay. Once out of Therum was enough." Ooh, low blow…I reach over and spoon up a tiny bit of the paste, then pop it into my mouth before I can change my mind. It's oddly chewy, doesn't taste like much…oh, wait, something's coming through…oh shit, that's horrible!
I spit it out almost straight away, coughing and reaching for my sandwich to try and get rid of the taste while Tali starts laughing next to me. Christ, that tastes like rancid coleslaw! I don't even like normal coleslaw! That made my chest hurt, it was so bad!
"Does it compare to turian food?" she asks, still laughing away.
"That shit should be illegal!" I reply, then start chugging my juice to try and get rid of the taste. "Does that taste as bad for you as it does for me?"
The quarian leans back in the chair, food seemingly forgotten. "It's not nice, but you've probably got it worse. You trying Garrus's food, though…what was it like living with him?" I open my mouth, answer formed, but Tali suddenly starts talking again. "Actually, what was life like for you before the Normandy?"
I'm a little taken aback, and slightly worried. Generally I try to steer clear of my past, since that opens me up to a lot of risk… "What, you mean C-Sec?"
"I mean, where you came from, what brought you to the Citadel? You know all about me and the Flotilla, but I know just about nothing about you." Wow, thanks Tali! Putting me in the most awkward position possible…I can't tell the full truth…but then again I don't want to lie outright. Hell, I'll tell her everything I can. She deserves to know, after all, especially after everything she's shared with me. Just skip out being taken from 2010, and we should be good.
"There's not that much to tell," I say, leaning back in the chair and casting my mind back. I'm not lying there, either. "I grew up like a normal Earth kid. Born in Scotland, moved down to the North-East of England when I was really young, which is why I don't have the accent." I'm trying to think of interesting stories from when I was younger…but come up with nothing. I guess everything with C-Sec and now puts 'interesting' into perspective. "Went to school, hung around with mates, did athletics Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. Don't get me wrong, I had fun…it was just unremarkable, that's all."
"So, what brought you to the Citadel?" Tali asks, leaning forward slightly, both of us completely ignoring food now. Quarians like storytelling, if I remember the culture rightly… "Did you want to get away from Earth?"
I shake my head ruefully. "Not exactly." Can't really tell the truth here, so I'll have to fall back on my backstory. God, I feel like such a prick for doing it…but no other way. "I didn't exactly have a reason to leave Earth, as much as I'd like to have had some fascinating reason about escaping my family, or some clichéd shit like that. I always did well at school, so I got into university on Earth and studied law. I thought about becoming a lawyer, but for some reason office life didn't seem like the kind of thing I was cut out for."
"Good call," Tali laughs, gesturing around the Normandy. "I can hardly see you in an office, after everything that's happened here."
"Thanks," I grin, finding it slightly ironic that if Shiara hadn't taken me, I probably would have ended up in a desk job. "Anyway, I thought about making a direct difference, law enforcement. But I've always been interested in alien culture." That's true, I suppose…if the Mass Effect alien races had been around in 2010, I'd have been off to the Citadel without a second thought. Along with all the other Mass Effect fans, I imagine.
"Did you not see many other species on Earth?" Tali asks. God, we're straying into awkward territory here…since the right answer is probably yes, given that some aliens have got to visit Earth. Right? Man, it sucks I've got to think on my feet like this rather than just telling the whole truth.
I shake my head, settling for a compromise. "Not many, especially where I lived. We were close to a city, but the town I lived in was pretty small. Saw the odd turian, but nothing more than that. Anyway, I was interested in law enforcement, and alien cultures. There was only ever going to be one place for me."
"C-Sec," Tali says triumphantly.
"Bingo," I smile. "Seemed like the only logical choice. Finished my degree, put in a job application, got accepted. Pallin wasn't too pleased about it at first, since I was filling in a Council requirement for a human detective…but we got over that fairly quick. Got partnered with Garrus, and the rest, as they say, is history."
"You're not going to tell me about C-Sec?" Tali asks, genuine interest in her voice.
I laugh and lean back in the seat, shaking my head. "No, not today. It's long as hell, and I probably couldn't do it justice without Garrus filling in the stuff I miss. If I can get him for a while after the next mission, we can tell you all about it then. Skip out all the boring stuff, of course. A lot of it was just filling in paperwork. We only got to kick ass and take names about once a month."
"I look forward to it," the quarian replies. "If you can actually get Garrus by himself. He's always talking to Shepard about something or other."
"You know," I say slyly, leaning in conspiratorially, "there's a theory going around they're romantically involved."
"I picked up on that much," she comments dryly. "It's funny, watching him around her. He gets so…nervous."
I laugh, thinking about the bumbling turian…I wonder if he's pulled the heat sink line yet. "Aye, it's funny. He's not normally like that. Then again, love can make people really nervous."
Did I just say that out loud? Shit! I take a look at Tali's body language…but she hasn't reacted to it. Man, I'm paranoid.
"I…suppose so," Tali agrees. "Where are we going for the next mission? Virmire?"
"Yeah," I nod, thoughts drifting to that place…it would actually make a nice holiday destination, if it weren't for the massive amounts of geth. And the fact we're going to set a massive bloody nuke off on it. "It never ends, does it?"
"We must be getting close," she replies. Not what I mean, Tali…I'm thinking about everything ahead, Mass Effect 2 events. It's a long road ahead. If I make it that far. Ugh, that was morbid. "Everything's coming together, with the Mu Relay co-ordinates we found on Noveria. It's got me thinking about what I'm going to do after this is over, actually. Everything with Saren."
That makes me sit up slightly, as I consider my future. Hell, what am I going to do? There's Garrus and Omega…but frankly, I'm not too comfortable condoning vigilante justice. Plus it might lead to the return of Renegarrus, and I'm not sure I want to be a part of that. "What did you have in mind?"
"Well, provided I complete my Pilgrimage, I'll return to the Flotilla," she explains. "While wandering the galaxy would be nice…my people need me. Everyone on the Flotilla needs to work together, so there's no room for that."
"You sound disappointed," I point out.
"I'm not, I didn't mean for it to sound like that," she replies quickly. "I want to go back. Completing the Pilgrimage is important to me, and I have a duty to my people I can't just ignore. What about you, Ian? What are you thinking of doing?"
I lean back in the chair, thinking. 'Wait two years,' isn't much of an answer…and she's right, I need something. "Probably go back to C-Sec," I finally say. "See what Garrus is thinking of doing."
"I'm surprised," she admits. "I thought you'd have stuck with the Alliance."
You and Kaidan both, it would seem. "I prefer C-Sec. I don't think I could do the constant travel, orders and rank…I mean, obviously there's rules and rank at C-Sec, but at least we're given a bit of freedom in how to approach an investigation. Plus, the clothes people in the Alliance wear are as uncomfortable as hell. C-Sec lets me where just about whatever I want, perks of being a detective."
"You're basing your future job choice on what they let you wear?"
"What can I say?" I shrug. "I'm a man of simple tastes. It's a shame you're going back to the Flotilla straight away, though…I'd always have liked to get to know the crew a bit better after we're done blowing stuff up."
"I never said straight away," she chuckles. "I'd quite like to get to know you better too. The rest of the crew as well." That sounded borderline flirtatious! Unless I'm reading too much into it.
I'm probably reading too much into it. Damn.
"Do you know what we're expecting on Virmire?" Tali suddenly asks. "Did Shepard mention anything to you?"
"Nope, no idea," I lie. "But…I'm getting a bad feeling about it. Everything's gone flawless so far, but our luck's got to run out some time. That's how I see it, anyway."
Tali shakes her head. "Shepard doesn't operate off luck. It's probably pre-mission nerves." She's right…damn, I can't freakin' warn her! What if something goes wrong? What if Tali's the one to arm the nuke, and we can't make it to save her or something?
"Just be careful out there, alright?" I say softly. It's pathetic, but it's all I can say. "I'm getting a bad feeling about this one, and I don't want to lose a friend out there. Especially one as good as you."
"You're normally the one playing the hero," Tali laughs. "But I will. And same to you too. Try to come back in one piece."
"That's generally a good tactic in warfare," I point out. We're left in silence. But not the awkward kind. She's looking straight at me, I'm looking straight at her…should I say something? Make my feelings known, with the risk of everything coming up? But before I can hint at things any further, she starts talking again.
"Have you seen Liara after what happened on Noveria?" Damn, that's the moment gone. But at least it's a start. "She went straight back to her room after the debrief."
I shake my head glumly. "No. I tried to check on her earlier, but the door was locked. Maybe I should give it another shot."
"Good idea," Tali nods, rising to her feet. "They're probably missing me down in Engineering, anyway. I'll talk to you later, Ian." She starts to walk away, then suddenly stops and turns to face me, looking slightly sheepish. "This was really nice. It's good having someone to talk to."
"Same here," I reply, a little surprised. Maybe it's not just me… "Anytime, yeah?"
"Yeah," Tali nods, chuckling a little bit. "Anytime." With that, she's gone, heading around the corner to the elevator and leaving me alone once again. Well…that's certainly given me food for thought. Though it's not exactly cleared anything up feelings wise. The ambiguity is killing me…and I'm feeling nervous as I approach Liara's door. Wrex was spot on about me and Tali, but I'm praying he's wrong about Liara.
Because if he's not…awkward. That's all I'm saying.
The door panel is green once I reach it, but I knock anyway out of courtesy. There's a muffle shout of 'come in!' from behind it, and the doors slide open in front of me. Liara's sitting in her usual place, but doesn't seem to be working like she normal. Instead, she's looking at me, obviously trying to maintain some kind of composure but not doing a good job. At all. Poor girl.
"Just checking up on you," I smile reassuringly, heading across and leaning against the wall as she looks up at me from her chair. "We haven't really talked after Noveria, and…well, you know me. I like to talk to everyone." She nods absent-mindedly…but doesn't seem to get at all I'm hinting that she can talk about her feelings if she wants. Of course she doesn't. It's Liara. "How're you holding up? After Noveria, and your mother…"
"That thing Saren created wasn't my mother," she suddenly interrupts, real fury in her voice. "It looked like her, had her voice…but it wasn't her." The asari's hands are clenched tightly as she talks, something I've never seen from her before. God, she doesn't seem sad…she seems angry. Oh no, not Mass Effect 2 Liara already!
I shake my head lightly. "Indoctrination is powerful. But Benezia was still there underneath it all, Liara, even if she could only take control temporarily. She was proud of you. Went to her death knowing it was the only way."
"I know," she says darkly. "But it was Saren who made her into that. Who made death her only choice. I have never really felt hatred before, a desire for revenge…but now I understand it." Shit, that's creepy. And not like her. She isn't becoming a bitch on my watch!
"It's not about revenge, Liara. That kind of thing can consume you. Hate Saren, sure, but don't let payback be your sole motivation. It's not like you. It's not what Benezia would have wanted."
"And how would you know that?" Liara shouts back, rising up out of her chair and looking at me furiously. "She was not your mother! You have no idea!"
Ahhh! I raise my hands apologetically, backing up slightly. "Sorry! But this isn't like you!" That doesn't do much to calm her. I just don't know when to quit, do I? But this isn't about her getting pissed of now, this about her in the future. Maybe I can't stop her becoming fuelled by anger like in ME2. But I can at least postpone it. "You're normally calm, a bit naïve maybe, but happy! Benezia said she was proud of you as you were, not like this!"
Liara opens her mouth to shout something back…but then stops, anger dimming slightly as she thinks about what I said. "Maybe…maybe you're right," she sighs, sinking back into her chair. I breathe a massive sigh of relief, since I was half-expecting to get biotically blasted through a wall. "I just don't know. After seeing what she became…I need vengeance."
"I'm not saying you should just ignore it," I reply. "God knows we've all got reason to hate Saren. Just don't let it drive you, alright? You're too nice a person."
"Thank you," she laughs, albeit a little humourlessly. "I shan't let a desire for revenge change me, then. But I have a desire to fight now beyond finding Benezia. When we find Saren…"
"I'm not sure I want to know the details," I interject, thinking of Ilium and threats of 'flaying people' with her mind. I don't even want to know what that entails. The anger in Liara's expression finally dies…and instead is replaced with grief. That's the Liara I know.
She shakes her head slowly, looking at the floor. "I just wanted to talk to her a bit more, you know…I hadn't seen her for a long time, and we had things we should have caught up on…it just came too suddenly."
"We all wish we could spend longer with people we love," I say softly. "But everyone has to go at some point. It was her time. Benezia knew it was her time to… 'embrace the goddess'?" Liara nods. "She died calmly, and she was proud of you. She got her closure, and you should have got yours. Would you rather have stayed back on the ship and found out after we got back?"
"That is a good point," Liara admits. "No, I would not. Mother died willingly…and I need to accept that. She's gone, and revenge will not bring her back." Her voice starts to waver slightly, and eyes moisten as the reality hits her. I shouldn't feel relieved she's crying…but it's a hell of a lot better than setting herself upon revenge. That said, I should probably leave her to deal with it. I slowly get up from the wall, but suddenly she gets up out of her chair and looks at me, tears still there but composure regained enough to talk.
"Thank you, Ian," she smiles. "For talking to me. I had all these conflicting feelings, and…you helped. A lot."
I wave it away casually with a hand. "Ah, don't mention it. I've had my fair share of grief, didn't want you to go down the same roads I did." The month after Rebecca got taken…that wasn't good for me or Garrus. I owe him for talking me out of that. Plus, this puts off Liara getting angry…speaking of the asari, she suddenly takes two quick steps forward and hugs me, wrapping her arms around my back and leaving me standing dumbfounded in the room.
She doesn't even say anything, just hugs me. My first instinct is to push her away or something, make it clear whatever feelings she might have for me aren't mutual like Wrex suggested…but after everything with her mother, it'd take some heartless bastard to do that. So instead, I weakly return the favour, and after what feels like an eternity she finally breaks it off, tears still in her eyes but smiling at me, saying nothing.
It's tempting to sprint out of the room, but instead I walk slowly out, mind whirling with thoughts as the door slides shut behind me. Great, now I'm in way over my head. Making it clear that I'm not interested in that environment would have been the biggest dick move ever, but now I'm leading her on, in a way. Neither is exactly good. Plus, there's an inordinate amount of hugging going on around the ship today. First Shepard to Garrus, now Liara to me. Bloody ridiculous.
I settle back down at the mess table, where my half eaten cheese sandwich is still lying in wait, probably feeling a little pissed off I ditched it like that. I take a bite, lean back in the seat, then quickly check Tali's not hiding somewhere to scare the shit out of me again. Love triangles suck.
Next time I talk to Liara, I need to make it obvious. Not directly go up to her and say 'sorry, not interested', but just hint at me and Tali to take her off it. If that even works. It's still a rejection, which no-one takes well…and I already caught a glimpse of bitch Liara a few minutes ago. Her rocket biotic uppercut is still fresh in my mind from Noveria, and frankly I'd rather not experience it first hand. As Ramona Flowers said, 'No breakup is painless, someone always get hurt.' Admittedly Liara and I aren't dating, but the point still stands.
If I'm going to hint that I'm already in a relationship, though, I need to talk to Tali frankly. No more dodging around, I need to say something about it to her. Ask her on a date, though I'm not exactly sure where we'd go…Citadel? We'll be going back there anyway, after Virmire, so maybe then…
Fuck, I'm getting ahead of myself. Tali may very well say no, or Liara might have killed me by then. The latter is unlikely, but the former entirely possible. Still, I have to ask to get a yes.
I shouldn't even worry about them now! Virmire's coming up, and I need to be focused on the rescue, not romance. The plan's in place, however flawed it might be…and I've got to stick to it. No distractions, complete focus. The stakes are way too damn high. I finish off the sandwich, grabbing my plate along with the one Tali left behind, scraping the crumbs and almost all of the paste into the rubbish compactor and loading the dishwasher. I love future dishwashers. The clean the stuff, and dry it too! Ah, the things in life.
I head towards the elevator, opening up my omni-tool and starting a diagnostic off. My hack module's a little outdated, so I might look up some mods on the extranet. Probably not strictly legal, but serving on the Normandy gives one a pretty high clearance. Just before I get into the lift, however, an announcement comes through over the ship's intercom.
"Commander Shepard is aboard. XO Pressly stands relieved." God, I hate that VI's voice…but Shepard's back, all being well with Wrex's armour. So this is it. Virmire's up next. I press the button to descend into the garage, butterflies in my stomach as I think about what's in wait ahead. My plan is clear, and I've ran through what I remember of the mission countless times in my head. I have one priority.
Don't fuck it up.
A/N: Well, you heard it. Virmire's up next. There'll be some talking with Ash at the start of the chapter, so don't worry, Ms. Williams will still feature. From there on…well, everyone knows Virmire. It needs no introduction.
Sorry this took so long, by the way. I had my chapter of Recreation to write, then coursework and stuff piled up in a rather horrible fashion. But, in order to let you all know what's going on update wise, I've started updating my profile in Ryan PM fashion every day or two to let you all know how I'm getting on with writing, ideas of when to expect the next chapter, if homework's catching up on me etc. So if anyone's interested, there it is.
Everyone have a nice day, and I'll see you next chapter!
