Disclaimer: Sadly Twilight isn't mine. I do however finally have my own copy of Vanity Fair with Amish Rob on the cover. Also, while I may write this story, I am not a musician or songwriter - all songs & lyrics belong to the respective artists/composers.

A/N: Tissues may be necessary…don't say I didn't warn you. The road ahead for Bella may become a little bumpy, so put on your seatbelts. Thanks to all of you for reading, reviewing, and rec'ing my story. Pictures will be added to the blog. Longer A/N at the bottom.

Chapter 28: Unhappy Holiday

Song: Incomplete by Backstreet Boys

***BPOV***

My phone conversation with my dad went better than I ever could have hoped. He ended up asking if he could come and see me, and two days later he was hugging me at baggage claim in the airport. We spent a lot of time talking about everything, and I can't imagine being any happier than I am now knowing that I've made peace with my father. I wish he would have been able to stay for Christmas, but seeing as someone had to work at the police station over the holidays, he had to get back to Forks, but not before promising that we would stay in touch better and that the Cullens and I would come to visit soon.

I'm brought out of my thoughts about my dad by Alice knocking on my door.

"You ready to head over? Jasper's already loaded the gifts into the car" she asks.

"Yeah, I'll be right out" I answer.

I hear Alice head towards the living room, and I sit on my bed for a moment, taking a deep breath to try to calm myself. Today is Christmas and Esme insisted we celebrate at the Cullen house, not that I would have denied her, not after all that she has done to help me along the way so far with staying clean. I'm just nervous about seeing Edward again. I haven't spoken to him or heard anything about him since the day the two of us had it out in front of his whole family. As far as I know, he meant what he said to me that day, so I figure the best way for me to handle today is to just keep my distance from him, and leave it up to him to make the first move if he wants to talk to me. I promise myself that I will enjoy the day with my family, and that whatever happens with Edward today, I will make the best of it. Sure I bought him a gift, but I figure I can just leave it under the tree at some point.

After a few calming breaths, I feel much better, and head out to the living room where Jasper and Alice are waiting. We head out of the apartment, out to the car and drive over to the house. As soon as we get there, the butterflies return to my stomach. Walking into the house, Esme and Carlisle both greet me with hugs before we all head into the living room. I give hugs to Emmett and Rose as I wish them a Merry Christmas and notice Edward isn't in the room yet.

A few seconds later he walks in, and I swear I can feel my heart skip a beat at the sight of him. I try to smile when I see him, but can't because of all the uncertainty and tension that has suddenly filled the room. For a brief moment Edward's eyes connect with mine and I notice a flurry of emotion pass through his before he looks away, the rest of his face unreadable. Clearly he meant what he said the last time we spoke. Reminding myself that I won't allow him to upset me today, I turn to Rose and start a conversation…

***EPOV***

I can't help but pace nervously around my room. It's Christmas, which means Bella is coming over the house today. I haven't seen her since the day we ended up in a screaming match over a month ago. No one would tell me anything about her anyway. Whenever I asked all I was told was that she was fine, and everyone was keeping their thoughts guarded when it came to her. I don't know how I'm supposed to act around her today, or if she'll even want me to speak to her. After the horrible things I said to her, and everything she said to me…I wouldn't blame her if she never wanted to be near me again. I guess I'll just leave it up to her and let her make the first move if she wants to talk to me.

I'm brought out of my thoughts when the front door opens and I hear Alice, Jasper and Bella. As soon as I hear her voice I feel calmer, but at the same time I feel the familiar pull to be near her. I struggle to keep it at bay, reminding myself that I need to keep my distance and let her make the first move. I make my way down to the living room and as soon as I see her, it's as if time stands still.

Looking at her, I realize that my family was lying when they said the Bella was fine, because she is more than fine. She looks healthier, happier, and her blood smells clean again. She's starting to look like my Bella, the one I've missed for so long. Briefly we make eye contact, but her face reveals nothing as to how she feels towards me, as quickly turns and starts chatting with Rose. The impassiveness of her expression stings, and I can't help but wish she would let me in. I have so much to say to her, so much to apologize for, but I need to do this on her terms. I need to be patient and hope that she will come to me.

The day progresses much like every other Christmas, although everyone seems much happier now that Bella is here. Gifts are exchanged and we all laugh as Alice predicts everything that everyone got her. Everyone relaxes and enjoys the Christmas carols that are playing on the sound system throughout the house, and Bella seems to revel in being a part of the family. She interacts so openly with everyone…everyone except me.

As I watch Bella talking and laughing and enjoying the holiday with my family, I couldn't help but feel more and more like an outsider. Everyone seemed to get along, as though they were all in on some secret that I didn't know, one I desperately wanted to be let in on. It became clear to me that everyone was finally happy, and I had nothing to do with it. All I could do now was pray I wasn't too late, that I didn't miss my chance. The only thing that could potentially save me now was the Christmas gift that I had planned to give Bella.

Before I know it, I see Bella, Jasper and Alice getting ready to leave. I know I had promised myself that I would wait for Bella to approach me, but I can't let the chance slip away. I promise myself to just talk to her, give her the gift I have for her, and let her go on her way. I try to calm my nerves as I approach her, and I notice that the rest of the family is focused on me and Bella, waiting to see what's going to happen next.

"Merry Christmas Bella" I say softly.

She looks at me, seemingly a little stunned that I would talk to her before replying "Merry Christmas Edward."

"Um…I'll understand if you say no, and I'm not trying to overstep any boundaries or anything, but I was wondering if I could talk to you for a few minutes before you leave?"

Bella doesn't say anything for a moment, but then nods as she motions for the kitchen. She knows as well as I do that there's no way to truly have privacy in a house full of vampires, but at least being in the kitchen will keep us from having an active audience watching our every move. Once we're in the kitchen, I pull out a chair at the table for Bella to sit and then take the seat across from her. I'm dying to sit next to her, if only to be closer to her, but I'm guessing she would prefer the distance between us.

"So…" Bella starts, but I guess she is unsure of what to say because her words just trail off. I hate that things have become awkward like this between us, but I hope that in time we can begin to feel comfortable around each other again.

"You look great Bella. It's nice to see that you're doing well."

"Yeah, well kicking a few bad habits can work wonders on a person." As soon as Bella says this, I can't help but wonder if Bella includes me in the category of bad habits.

"Anyway" I say. "I know you probably have things to do, so I guess I should just say what I want to tell you."

Bella says nothing, so I continue to talk.

"I want to apologize Bella. For the things I said the last time we spoke. I was angry and said some very inappropriate things…things I didn't mean and shouldn't have said. I have something for you…a Christmas gift. I hope you'll accept it, but I'll understand if you won't."

For the first time today, Bella smiles at me.

"Thank you Edward. For your apology, and for being thoughtful enough to think to give me a gift. The truth is, I got you something as well."

We exchange gifts, but don't open them and I can't stop the smile that crosses my face because Bella thought of me. We sit quietly for a moment, before Bella breaks the silence.

"How are you doing Edward?" What she asks is such a simple question, and yet, it can carry such a heavy answer, one that I'm not sure she's ready to hear.

"Do you want the honest answer?" I ask.

Bella nods as she says "Of course Edward. I don't want you to think you have to be careful around me like I'll break at any moment. I know there are a lot of things we need to eventually talk about, but I'd hope that we could at least be honest with each other."

I try to pick my words carefully, wanting to be honest with her, but not hurt her at the same time, but before I can stop myself, everything I've been keeping to myself these past few weeks just comes pouring out.

"Honestly Bella, I've been better. I mean, I know a lot of how I'm feeling is my own fault, and it is something I will have to learn to deal with in time, but I feel so empty inside, like there are holes where everything important to me used to be. I feel like all I'm left with are distant memories with no chance of ever moving forward. I miss you Bella. I miss having you in my life. Without you I feel like I'll never be able to rest, like I'll never find peace. I've tried Bella. I've tried so hard to go on like I never knew you…but it isn't possible. I feel like I'm awake but the rest of the world around me is half asleep. You know my belief about my having a soul, but I can't help but pray that the pieces that are left of my heart will one day be mended, because without you I'm incomplete."

"Edward…" Bella whispers as she turns her face away. She tries to hide the fact that she's wiping away a fallen tear, but I notice. When she turns her face back to me I pretend like I didn't see.

"I'm sorry Bella, I…I shouldn't have said that. Please, I never meant to make you uncomfortable." I tell her, hoping that what I said doesn't scare her off. I'm caught off guard when she reaches across the table and takes my hand. The same familiar spark is still there, I can feel it. As she takes my hand, she starts talking, and it seems like she's just letting it all out too.

"I've been so angry with you for so long Edward. I've hated you, wished I'd never met you, and regretted ever dating you, but at the end of the day the reality is that I miss you more than anything. I'm so torn between listening to what my heart says and listening to what my head is telling me. My head tells me that I should let you go and carry on with my life, but I feel like I'm swimming in an ocean all alone. I can see it you know…your regrets…they're written all over your face. I understand what you're going through Edward…wondering if you just made some God-awful big mistake somewhere along the way. I'm afraid Edward, of you and what you could do to me. My heart can't seem to let you go and I'm so scared of having to face the world alone, but at the same point…I want to be able to let you go. I don't know what to do here Edward, or where this leaves you and me; there are no easy answers, at least none that I can see. All I do know is that I still need time; time to sort everything out and figure out exactly what I want and need.

Bella pulls her hand away from me as she finishes talking. I understand how she's feeling, and I'm glad that she was willing enough to tell me everything she did…it's a step in the right direction at least.

"Thank you for listening to me Bella…and thank you for being honest with me in return. I umm…I don't want you caught off guard or anything, so …you Christmas gift. It's one of my journals. I know you might have a lot of questions for me about a lot of things, and I understand and respect the fact that you may not be ready to ask the questions or hear the answers right now, and I know that you may never be, and even if you are, you may not want to hear them from me. There's a letter inside the front cover that will let you know what the journal will explain. I just thought that maybe, when you're ready, you'll find some of the answers that you want inside it."

"Thank you Edward…for everything" Bella says softly as she places her hand on the side of my face. She hesitates a moment, before she leans in and places a gentle kiss on my other cheek before turning and walking towards where Jasper and Alice are waiting by the front door.

I'm utterly stunned and struggle to process what just happened, my hand tracing the spot where Bella's lips just were. After I hear the door shut, I remember the gift that Bella gave me. I open it up and inside the box is a silver picture frame, Inside is a picture of me and Bella from back when we were still together. As curious as I am to find out where she got the picture, I'm distracted by the note that is in the box with the gift. I open it and read what it says…

Edward,

This helped me through some of my more difficult moments. I hope it still means as much to you as it does to me. Merry Christmas!

Always,

Bella

Looking at the picture and the note, I can't stop the smile that spreads across my face. All I can think in this moment is that maybe there is a chance for me and Bella after all.

***BPOV***

The car ride home is fairly quiet, my mind still trying to process everything that was said between Edward and me. I'm not sure why I kissed him, but it felt right, and I don't regret it. I know everyone probably heard everything that Edward and I talked about, but at least we had the illusion of privacy. I can tell Alice wants to ask me about it, but thankfully Jasper changes topics or distracts her whenever she brings it up.

We finally get back to the apartment, and Jasper helps me carry all the gifts upstairs before heading back down to Alice. The two of them have plans to go hunting for a few days. I think they just want a chance to be able to have some alone time to "celebrate the holidays" together. I take off my coat and shoes, and head into my room to put away all the gifts the Cullens gave me. After they are away, I notice that Edward's gift is still on my bed.

I open the package, and pull the letter out from inside the journal and read it.

Bella,

This journal explains better than I ever could, why I chose to leave you back in Forks, and what I did after leaving you. I only hope that what you read on these pages offers you a way to find some peace.

Yours,

Edward.

As much as I wonder if I am ready to really know what is inside that journal, I also know that I will wonder about it until I read it. Setting the letter aside, I open the journal and start reading, which I soon find to be a mistake.

The more I read, the more I wish Jasper was here to calm me down. Reading how Edward lied to me about not loving me and how he left because he thought he was protecting me does little to help me find peace. Everything I've gone through these past five years, everything I've suffered, and everything I put my father through…it all could have been avoided, it all happened because Edward thought he had the right to make my decisions for me. I feel all the anger that I had struggled to let go of this past month creeping back up, along with all of the pain of my healing wounds to my heart reopening. It's all too much and I don't know how to deal with it all.

Grabbing my bag and tossing the journal, my keys, and my phone inside it before I run out of the apartment and then out of the building. It's cold out and has started snowing, and I left so quickly that I forgot my coat, but I don't care. All I feel is the increasing need to escape, run away, and make the pain stop, so I run. I don't pay attention to where I'm going, letting my feet make the decisions for me. Before I know it, I'm back in my old neighborhood, in the alley where I last got busted by the cops. I don't know what to do now or where to go next, so I sit down against the wall of a building and try to get warm as I finally start to feel the cold.

After a while, I manage to get my tears under control long enough to try to figure out what to do now when I hear a familiar voice.

"Well well well, long time no see short stuff. Looks like you're having a rough night. Anything I can help you with?"

I look up and see him standing over me. All I can do is say "Hey Diego."

A/N: How did you all enjoy Christmas with the Cullens? How about the conversation between Bella and Edward? If any of you remember who Diego is I'll send you a bonus teaser from my Bella/Rosalie outtake I'm writing for Fandom For Sexual Assault Awareness. I'm still looking for more questions for my interview with my characters. They are dying to answer your questions, so when you review, let me know what you want me to ask them. I promise that if you review, I'll send you a snippet from the next chapter which should be up on Tuesday or Wednesday. Don't forget to check out the blog for the story (link is on my profile). Thanks for reading!

So now for some Announcements & Reminders:

My o/s A Walk in The Park is an entry in The Not What It Seems Contest over on Fanfiction Writing Challenges. All of the entries are great and all the authors worked really hard so be sure to go and check them all out. Voting in this contest is now open so after you read all the entries be sure to vote for your favorite. You can check them all here: fanfiction-challengesdot)blogspot(dot)com/

I have a collaboration story that will be starting to post on Tuesday. It is called Fudge Pops and Disco Sticks, and is completely different from The Sharpest Lives…lots and lots of funny in that one. I am co-writing that with ImaTwiTard, and we are posting it under our collab name WeRTwiHards so be sure to add us to your author alerts because you won't want to miss this story.

Bella and Rosalie's conversation that was mentioned last chapter will be an outtake. I'm already working on it, and it is called Already Perfect. It will be included in the compilation that you can receive through Fandom For Sexual Assault Awareness. To find out how you can donate and receive this compliation of outtakes and o/s from a ton of amazing authors, go to fandom4saa(dot)wordpress(dot)com Just remember to change the dots!

I know I've mentioned before the Fandom Fights Tsunami event as well. My outtake for that compilation is complete. It has been titled Far From Home, and is about what happens when Edward returns to Forks looking for Bella. If you'd like to find out more about how you can receive this outtake and many other, you can go to the blog for the event. There is a teaser on the blog for my outtake that you can check out here: fandomfightstsunami(dot)blogspot(dot)com/p/story-banner-teases(dot)html

I am hosting/judging a contest that started April 1 called The Awkward Turtle Contest, so if any of you are looking for a fun contest to enter, check this one out. You have until April 30 to send in your submissions. ImaTwitard and sydneytwilightmum are also judging as well. There is a profile here on for the contest, and you can also check out the blog for the contest: awkwardturtlecontest(dot)blogspot(dot)com

Some Recs for all of you:

Sing Me To Sleep by butterflybetty

MFEO by cosmoandmarvar

Hit By Destiny by ocdmess