AN: Sorry to leave the story hanging for so long. That was not my intention, but my laptop broke very suddenly and put a temporary end to writing. I've finally gotten a new one and transferred everything over so my stories can return again! This chapter picks up right on that same eventful Thanksgiving Day.
Bust
There's a lot on Barney's mind as he makes the commute to the apartment a good nine hours late. The FBI bust was an enormous success. Greg will be going to jail for a long time and GNB will finally be a safe place to work for the hundreds of decent people he's met over the years in their employ. He has much to be proud of on a personal and professional level. He should be celebrating the victory, but his thoughts are far too consumed with all that happened after the raid.
New assignment.
West Coast.
Several months.
Arthur's words keep swirling around in Barney's head, making both his mind and body restless in the backseat of Ranjit's town car.
For the first time in a career he never intended on getting into in the first place he'll be working a case he has no private connection to. Will he have that same tenacious drive when the stakes aren't personal? He honestly doesn't know.
Where does he go from here?
It's a question he doesn't have an answer to. But it looks like he has several months to figure it out.
Los Angeles.
How can Barney Stinson live in Los Angeles? The thought makes him shudder.
There are many, many reasons not to like his new assignment. He's a New York man, born and bred. He loves East Coast life. He loves this city. Everything he values is here: the gang, his mom, The Fortress, The Lusty Leopard, his usual cigar club and laser tag arena. Everything about his routine and established pattern of life is tied up in the Big Apple.
But none of that even hits him initially, and truth be told that hasn't been what's plagued him ever since. His first and still pressing thought upon hearing his new assignment is that it will take him away from Robin.
He'd been so excited to finally nab Greg that he hadn't seen the forest for the trees. It never once occurred to him what would come next and the very real possibility that 'next' could take him outside of the city and away from everything he loves – er, has grown used to.
But such is life, or at least happiness. If there's anything he's learned from his it's that happiness is a temporary, transient state that never lasts long.
Maybe this time it's his own fault. He already had a great hand going and then he pressed his luck hoping for more. But you never hit at twenty, and now he's gone bust.
When Barney finally arrives at the apartment the gang literally talk over themselves in their eagerness to tell him what he missed. It turns out Barney and Robin absence turned the dinner into a more informal, intimate affair – just Lily and Marshall and Ted, as it had been in the good old college days.
"Right as we were sitting down to dinner," Marshall excitedly takes over the story, "Lily surprised me."
"Against my every impulse I made him his family specialty."
"The famous Eriksen Family Seven-Layer Salad," Marshall puts in, beaming.
"Yes, complete with sixteen cups of mayonnaise along with a gummi bear and potato chip layer," she informs Barney with a shudder. "I thought that can't be right, but it turns out it was."
"It didn't quite taste like my mom's, but I love her for trying. So much," Marshall goes on, "that I couldn't wait any longer."
Lily whips her left hand from behind her back. "Marshall proposed!" she exclaims, shoving her ring clad finger into Barney's line of sight.
"Yep," Ted chimes in, much less enthusiastically, from his place in the red chair. "He did. Right at the dinner table. Right in front of me. And then they proceeded to have celebratory sex on the kitchen floor as if I wasn't right in the next room. A room with no door in between, I might point out."
"To be fair," Lily defends, "you did go into your bedroom and close the door the moment Marshall's pants came off." She shrugs. "And it's not like you haven't been there before when we were doing it."
Marshall turns to her, disbelieving. "When was this?"
"I've told you, Marshall," Ted sighs. "The whole bunk moves."
Marshall has the Midwestern good manners to look sheepish. Lily's expression, on the other hand, shines with pride. "There's something kind of beautiful about it coming full circle," she coos to him as they sit down on the couch together, Lily practically in his lap.
"Like it was all meant to be," he smiles.
"From consummation to engagement."
"Yeah. Engagement," Ted mutters.
"Engagement," Lily sighs, leaning into her fiancée. Soon the pair start making out.
Ted shakes his head, glancing up at Barney. "It's just you and me now. That's what my life has come to…." He looks positively forlorn about it.
Barney chooses to ignore that, focusing instead on the happy couple who've by now come up for air. "Congratulations," he tells them, and they grin blissfully to each other. "Marshall, you now know where the rest of your lays are coming from, from now until eternity."
"Awww, Lilypad," Marshall murmurs, rubbing his nose against hers.
"No." Barney grimaces in disgust. "I don't think you heard me. Lily is now the only woman you'll ever have sex with – until. you. die."
Marshall chuckles patiently at his friend. "She already was. The only woman I ever will and ever have had sex with."
"That's just sad," Barney says, shaking his head. "Where does that leave you?" he asks, finally turning his attention to Ted. "All three of you are just hanging out here after the wedding? Talk about your third wheel."
"We haven't discussed how the living arrangements will work," Ted slowly admits. "We left that for Future Ted and Future Marshall to decided." Now that it's actually upon them, he considers it with an ominous expression. "Maybe that was a bad idea…."
"Ya think?" Barney mocks.
"Obviously, we'll want a place for ourselves once we're married," Lily reasons.
"Especially when we start thinking about having a kid," Marshall agrees.
"Look, they're trying to get rid of my already!"
"No one's getting rid of you, Ted," Marshall assures him. "But you always knew I wouldn't stay single forever."
"And neither will I," Ted vows momentously. "This is a sign: no more playing around. That's it; it's time to get serious now. One of these night broing out with Barney is finally going to pay off. I'm going to get lucky and – "
"Sure you will, buddy," Barney interrupts encouragingly. "It's gonna happen for you one of these days. Don't give up; your first time is gonna be awesome!"
Lily snorts in amusement.
"Very funny," Ted glowers. "You know I wasn't talking about sex. I meant my future wife. She's out there somewhere and I'm going to find her. Together we'll scour every bar in this city if that's what it takes."
"Ted, I've gotta be honest," Lily butts in, "I'm a little worried about your insistence that your future wife and mother of your children is spending her every night at a bar."
"Why not? We do."
"That's not true…" She hesitates, looking toward Marshall. "Not anymore." Then glances up at Barney's raised eyebrow. "Not every night."
"Well, where else am I going to find her?" Ted disputes. "The Renaissance Fair isn't in town until June, and The Platinum Rule eliminates the office."
"I can't believe I'm saying this," Barney allows, "but it might be time to start breaking that one, Ted. You need to get out of this – " He gestures his hand at a simpering, snuggling Marshall and Lily. " – as soon as you can. These two are going to be in couples' coma for the next few weeks, holed up in the apartment alternating between sleep and sex. It's not a pretty sight."
Ted groans in despair but ultimately decides, "Maybe that part's for the best anyway. Lily can be a tad judgmental about the women I pick. Meanwhile, your only requirement is 8 or above."
"Easy there, Mr. Optimistic. For you, it's a 6 or above. But I won't be there either. That's actually what I came here to tell you guys. The work emergency I got called in for – "
"On Thanksgiving no less," Lily grumbles. "Heartless corporate America."
"Exactly," Barney nods. "America is awesome. Too awesome not to properly honor our holidays with the very biggest of capitalist tributes. We just finished a huge corporate takeover. Multimillion dollar deal. And now I'm off to L.A. to oversee our next takeover. This one is multitrillion dollar, so naturally they had to send in the best." He clicks his tongue, straightening the knot of his tie.
"Aw, man! GNB has the worst timing!" Ted bemoans. "Well….I guess I can wait a week. But that's it. I'm not getting any younger. Project Wife can't wait forever."
"Oh, this isn't a one-week takeover. I'll be there for some time."
Ted throws his hands in the air. "Great. How am I supposed to find the One now? With you gone I'll have no help!"
They all respond at once: Marshall with "We'll help you, Ted"; Lily with "You know I love setting people up"; and Barney with "Yeah, if you really thought I was going to help you with that I question how well you know me".
Ted gives a heavy sigh, looking to Marshall and Lily in defeat. "Alright, fine. You two can help. But no couples' coma. I mean it. We start tomorrow. I need to find her. You guys are already way ahead of me. Future Mrs. Mosby and I have a lot of ground to make up if the four of us are going to have kids at the same time."
Barney reaches down and pats his shoulder. "Thanks, Ted. Now I know I won't be missing anything back in New York."
But he will, and that's why he still has one last stop to make tonight.
To that end, Barney stays with his friends another hour – after all, this will be the last time he's with them for who knows how long – then makes his excuses and starts to head for the door, stopping off at the fridge first to grab a Red Bull because it's been a very long day. That's where Lily catches him, stopping him in the kitchen before he can make his escape.
"Wait, Barney. Whatever happened with you and that girl of yours, the one we were all going to meet tonight?"
"Keep your voice down," he hisses, looking warily out toward the boys in the living room, now watching football. "I called and told her we couldn't make it, same as I did you….Why? You, uh – " His heart speeds up nervously, his eyes darting back out to the other room. "You didn't say anything about her to the others did you?"
"No," she reveals to his relief. "And you called before I got around to setting an extra place at the table, so the boys have no reason to be suspicious," she adds with a soft little smile.
He realizes then that she did it on purpose to protect what he'd told her in confidence. "You kept it a secret for me?" That's all the more touching considering it's something that's nearly impossible for her.
"I did." Lily smiles again, rubbing his shoulder reassuringly. "I thought you should be the one to tell them, make introductions and all that. It's up to you when and how to share it. But back to my original point. Obviously the mystery woman didn't come. What I meant is, what's going to happen with her while you're in L.A.?" Her eyes broaden expectantly. "Is she coming with you?"
"Am I taking Ted and Marshall with me?" Barney scoffs. "Get your head out of your ass, Lily. This isn't sleepaway camp where I bring along all my friends."
"You might not bring your friends, but it's not unheard of for a girlfriend to come along when her boyfriend's job calls him away."
"I told you, she is not my girlfriend," he reiterates, a trace of irritation beginning to creep into his voice at being cornered.
"And I'm not buying it. I've never heard you talk up a woman that way. Unless it's about one of her body parts and what you can do with it you never say anything about a woman at all. This one is special to you; I can tell," she brags with a grin. "Then you wanted to bring her into the group too? And you don't expect me to say something about that?"
"Lily," he sighs wearily, "I expect you to have an opinion on everything, all the time, always."
"Come on, just admit that she means something to you," Lily coaxes. After a moment, when he's still not budging, she adds sincerely, "It's only me. The others don't have to know."
"Psh, stop being ridiculous, Aldrin. You know I don't get smitten. I smite. If I'm lucky, right in the – "
"Okay. Fine." She shakes her head, giving up. "Be a pig. I don't know why I expected anything more….."
Her disappointment in him niggles at Barney's subconscious and is more successful in dropping his defenses and drawing the information out of him than anything else she could have done. "Besides," he eventually allows, averting his eyes from hers, "even if she did mean something to me – which she does not," he laughs nervously, "it doesn't matter anyway because I'm leaving for months."
"Hmm. That is a problem," she acknowledges. "Long-distance is hard for any relationship, not to mention one that's just getting started."
"God, Lily, nothing is getting started!" he sputters in exasperation, running a hand roughly through his hair to ward of the disturbing combination of frustration and alarm her too-close-for-comfort interrogation has begun to set off.
Lily studies him with scrutinizing eyes and can tell this is more than Barney's usual deflection. He's really upset about this, and she suspects leaving this woman is bothering him much more than he's letting on.
"Well now, maybe that's your problem," she offers gently in advice. "Maybe you should get something started. Maybe you should tell her how you feel before the two of you are separated."
"….Tell her I'd like a goodbye boning?" he says slowly, like he's sincerely considering it. "Nah," he dismisses a moment later, "I'm pretty sure she already knows that."
"I'm serious, Barney. Take it from me, you don't want to end up with dreams unfilled, all these 'what ifs' left hanging out there after you waited and waited cause you were too scared to go for it," she continues in increasing fervor, "and then you wake up one day and discover it's too late; your life is already set on a track that doesn't include any of those 'what ifs', and you may even love that track, but now you'll never know what might have been or what you could have been if you'd done things differently." Out of breath from her outburst, Lily pulls it together and looks cagily to Barney, expecting him to call her on it.
"What?" He shakes his head. "I'm sorry, sometimes when you talk I just hear those Charlie Brown voices."
She rolls her eyes. "What I said, Barney, is to be careful. You don't want to have to live with all these regrets suffocating you."
"I've never been into the whole autoerotic asphyxiation thing, so suffocation isn't a big concern," he says factitiously. Then a smirk twitches on his lips. "Although there was this one time when I was with a girl who had 36Hs and I feel asleep with my face – "
"Never mind," she stops him. "Just have a good trip. Try not to get any douchier out in L.A."
"Please. I'm not Ted."
"Oh, Ted would never survive L.A.," Lily agrees. "We'd have a total douche zombie on our hands."
Grinning, Barney slaps her five at that.
