Finally, I have an update! Like I said, I've got online classes I'm dealing with plus longer work hours, so I don't have as much time to write as before, but I make do as much as I can! Thanks so much for your patience!
I know, I was insanely cruel to you all last chapter...and for those of you who guessed what's happened to Aira, your guesses are all good! But I will not reveal the answer just yet... ;P
By the way, the Desolation of Smaug trailer? TOTALLY EPIC! :D I watched it the minute it was released online and have watched it probably about 15-20 times now! ;D (10 of those were within the first hour after its release! lol) No words can describe my utter excitement! :D
Warning, this is a sad one...and I got emotional myself just writing it...so be prepared!
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Thorin's POV
Once Thorin was pulled back up to the ledge, no one in the company said a word. The utter shock of what had just occurred still consumed their hearts and minds like a plague.
They found an entrance to a cave and they all quickly ducked inside. Although, caves in the mountain were seldom unoccupied, so they searched to the back. There was nothing to be found.
When Gloin suggested getting a fire started, Thorin immediately snapped at him, "No! No fires, not in this place." He had said that a bit harsher than he had intended and immediately regretted it. Quickly, he moved on and ordered, "Get some sleep. We start at first light."
"We were to wait in the mountains until Gandalf joined us. That was the plan," Balin pointed out, raising his eyebrows questioningly.
Thorin glanced at him through his wet locks of dark hair that hung over his eyes. Personally, he was glad for that so his friend couldn't see the agony and the hurt in his eyes. He looked at Balin sadly and responded, "Plans change."
He turned to look over his shoulder. Bofur was standing behind him. "Bofur, take the first watch," he ordered before walking off back to the entrance of the cave. The rain had lightened up but it was still dark outside. Thorin walked out and stood near the ledge, staring out in the distance at the mountains.
He needed time alone. His heart was too heavy to just sit around inside or try to sleep. There was an unquenchable, blazing fire, fueled from grief and pain, burning a huge hole in his heart. It was growing more and more as thoughts of Aira in her last moments wouldn't leave his mind or heart in peace, he could literally feel it. He could still hear her screaming his name in fright and desperation….
A sharp gasp escaped his mouth and his legs became weak. He had to steady himself against the stone wall. The pain was becoming too much. He remained where he was until he felt the uneasiness pass.
How could this have happened? What had he done to deserve losing Aira? He believed that things would be all right with her joining them on the journey and now she was gone, lost within the darkness of the mountains.
"I should have made her stay in Rivendell…!" Thorin thought to himself. "I know she would've followed us, but I should have found a way to keep her there."
As he cursed himself for not leaving her behind, Thorin's mind wandered back to the night they were in the Shire; the first time he had seen Aira in thirty years. He remembered the joy he felt in seeing her again and knowing she was all right. He had felt the calmest he had ever felt in years.
He remembered something he told her that night when everyone else had gone to sleep: "You are a part of my family, Airaním, and that is all I ever want for you: to make sure you are safe and protected."
That was where he had failed. He had tried to protect her and he lost her.
His chest began to burn again and he felt he could barely breathe. Her loss was becoming too great for him. It had been many a year since he last felt the sharp sting of death this severely. The last time had been when his grandfather had been slain by the pale Orc. Even then, it hadn't been as severe compared to what he was feeling now.
The gods were not kind to Thorin, he felt.
They had allowed a dragon to attack and take Erebor from him and his people, driving them out homeless into the wilderness.
They had taken his mother when he was young.
His grandfather and brother, Frerin, at Azanulbizar.
Dis's husband; Fili and Kili's father.
Thrain, his father, or so he assumed, since no one else knew what had become of him.
Telyna and Rimedur, his close friends; Aira's parents.
And now, Aira; the young child he took in years ago and grew to love as his own.
Her heartfelt words to him from that night in the Shire began to sound in his head:
"There is a saying that says, 'home is where the heart is' and I came to realize just how true that is…my heart has always been with my family; here, my heart is with you, Fili and Kili…my home is wherever any of you are."
Then Thorin remembered when Aira had convinced him to show Elrond his map and what had been said between them when he agreed.
He had asked her, "What would I do without you?"
To which she grinned and replied proudly, "You'll never have to find out because you'll never be without me. I'm not going anywhere."
"You'll never be without me…I'm not going anywhere…you'll never be without me…." Her words repeated over and over inside his head.
If only either of them could've known how untrue that would be.
"I'm sorry, Aira…!" he moaned sadly out loud, fighting hard to hold back the tears welling up in his eyes. "I'm so sorry…!"
A moment later, Thorin heard Dwalin come out and say his name. Thorin didn't turn to face him, but continued to stare off in the distance.
"You should come back inside, lad, and get some rest," Dwalin told him. "You're going to need it."
"I will find no rest here. Not in this cursed place," Thorin replied in a dark, sorrowful tone.
There was no response. Thorin turned slightly over his shoulder and noticed Dwalin was starting to walk back to the cave. He didn't want him to go yet. He needed to talk to someone about all of this and he knew that Dwalin was someone who would listen and talk with him.
"How could this have happened, Dwalin?" Thorin asked him, still facing away from him. "Of all the ways she could've been lost to us…why did it have to happen this way?
Dwalin sighed. "I wish I knew…but I can't say." He paused for a minute, making his way over by Thorin, before saying, "Be grateful, at least, it didn't happen in a worse way. A week ago she was almost killed by Wargs."
"Back before Rivendell, when she was fighting the Wargs and we were in the tunnel," Thorin began, "I prayed to Mahal to give Aira and I a second chance so I could make things right. We had had that awful argument beforehand…she could've died and I didn't want her to die thinking such awful things of me." He shook his head and exhaled. "Then, our first night in the Elven city, when we played the harps and sang songs together, I really thought we had been given that second chance." Then his voice turned grim. "But now I see that the gods have only been mocking me; making me believe Aira and I had that chance to start things anew just so they could take her from me!"
"Don't speak like that," Dwalin said a little loudly. "At least she died bravely. She saved our burglar. It would've been much worse had we lost him, too.
"He's been lost ever since he left home! He should never have come! He has no place amongst us."
"You are the only one who thinks that, Thorin. The others have accepted the Halfling and, more importantly, Aira did, too. If what you just said was true, she would not have risked her life to save him."
There was a small moment of silence between them before Thorin turned and looked at Dwalin, his face full of despair. "I failed her, Dwalin," he said miserably. "I promised her that I would do everything in my power to protect her…and I failed."
Dwalin laid a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder. "You did everything you could. It was not your fault. You were hanging from the side of the mountain; there wasn't anything more you could've done." Then he sighed. "At least she's with her mother and father now."
Thorin, however, found no comfort in those words, even though he knew he should. "I never told her. I never told her the truth…of what she meant to me. Any opportunity I had to do so, the time never felt right. I would still feel afraid to tell her the truth. And now she'll never know."
"She knows, Thorin. I'm certain she does."
"But it's not the same. I still feel she had a right to actually hear it from me." Thorin let out a shaky sigh. "I knew I cared about her before she came into my care, but I never thought my attachment to her would become so strong."
"She had that effect on all of us," Dwalin responded.
Thorin could feel his guilt and grief building up again. He wasn't sure how much more of it he could take. He was weakening. "I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know if I can go on," he admitted.
"We still have a long way of our quest ahead of us. You have to go on," Dwalin said back.
Now it all was beginning to burst. "Aira is dead!" Thorin cried sternly, raising his voice. "The one reason I had that kept me going all these years and now she's gone! And it's because of me! I don't believe I can do this anymore."
Dwalin couldn't believe what he was hearing: Thorin; his King, friend and companion who fought long hard for the purpose of their quest was giving up. He could at least understand why his friend wanted to give up because he was in pain and suffering from the loss of someone close to him, but Dwalin knew that Thorin was stronger than that. And he knew this was not what Aira would want. He had to say or do something to make him see that, even if Thorin would be angry with him.
"This is for your own good, laddie," Dwalin thought to himself as he removed his iron glove from one of his hands. Then he made Thorin face him, clenched a fist tightly and suddenly punched him dead and hard in the face, making him cry out and stumble backwards from the blow.
"Listen to yourself, lad!" Dwalin bellowed.
Thorin just stared back at him, his eyes huge with the shock at what had just happened.
The burly Dwarf then shouted, "Do you honestly think you were the only one to love that girl?! We all did! Yet you don't see or hear any of us saying we're going to give up!" He paused to let himself calm a little, but then his voice only raised again as he said, "I understand how hard this is, but you are our leader; our King and you are supposed to set a strong example for your followers!"
"I JUST LOST MY DAUGHTER, DWALIN!" Thorin screamed at the top of his lungs in anger and grief, his voice breaking. "You would be feeling this way, as well, if you were in my place!"
He stopped and started panting heavily, having let out so much in that one statement. He could hear his shout echoing in the mountains and beginning to fade away. Dwalin had actually taken a step back, taken aback from Thorin's outburst. They both were stunned. Not only had Dwalin never gotten so physical with him like that before, but Thorin had never shouted at him like that before, either. There was just so much bottled up inside him and it was beyond maddening. He couldn't contain it anymore.
Starting to calm down a little bit, he went on, "Besides, maybe I've grown tired of being the strong example everyone expects me to be. That's all I've ever done! I do what I can for my people, but in doing so I have lost the time I need to be strong for myself!
"There were many times in the past where I just wanted to give up. Smaug's siege of Erebor, the betrayal of the Elves, the loss of my grandfather and Frerin, my father's disappearance, having the responsibility of being King suddenly thrust upon me and having to build a new life for an entire people: it all became too great of a burden for me to bear alone. I wished it all would end. I know I still had my sister and her sons, but there was a time where not even they seemed to be enough. All I wanted was to let go of everything and just end it all….but then Rimedur passed away and Aira came into my life; a beautiful, wonderful child who brought out the best in me and changed everything."
Now, the tears in Thorin's eyes could no longer be kept back and he let them fall down his face and seep into his beard. "Aira and I had a connection from the start," he continued, trying to keep his calm. "She and I were very much alike in so many ways. We understood each other, sometimes more than we understood ourselves. She brought out sides of me that not even my own flesh and blood could. She was the light that brought me out of the darkest of times, just as I had been that light for her when she mourned Rimedur…."
Thorin saw that Dwalin's face had softened in listening to him. But then he felt his own expression drop. "And now she's gone," he said. "I've lost her…and I'll never be able to forgive myself. I don't think I can continue this quest with the burden of that guilt haunting me forever."
His legs were starting to lose strength and he dropped down to his knees on the stone ledge. Once he steadied himself, Thorin dropped his face to his hands, trying hard to pull himself together.
Dwalin knelt down next to him and laid his hand on Thorin's back. "You and I both know that you're stronger than that," he said to him encouragingly.
Thorin just sighed. Right now, he couldn't quite believe that.
"And what do you think Aira would say to you if she could hear you now?" Dwalin asked. "Do you think she'd want you to give up everything you've worked and fought so hard for just because she's gone?"
Even though he knew the answer to those questions, Thorin remained silent.
"No, she would not," Dwalin answered for him. Then he said nobly, "The dear lass believed in this quest and, above all, she believed in you. Giving up all of this would be an insult to her memory and sacrifice! You know that's true. She would say this quest is more important than her life. She wouldn't want any of us to give in to our grief and give up, especially you."
He then said to him in a calm voice, "We're all hurting, lad. What happened is devastating for us all, especially for the young lads." He gave Thorin a gentle shake to make sure he was still listening. "Fili and Kili are going to need you, Thorin. This just as hard on them, too, if not worse. Kili will need you most of all. From what Balin told me, the lad nearly threw himself off the mountain to go after Aira! He hasn't spoken a word since."
Dwalin grasped Thorin's shoulder comfortingly. "He and Fili will need you to be there for them. You have to be strong for them…and do the same for Airaním. She would want you to be strong now. If you can't do it for any of us, or even your nephews, then at least do it for her."
With that being said, Dwalin got back up to his feet and walked back to the cave, leaving Thorin alone again to contemplate everything he had said.
There was too much on his mind now to try to think it all over. He was beginning to grow weary and decided to go back inside and try to get some rest. After getting out his bedroll, Thorin laid himself down upon it, his back facing away from the rest of the company.
He could still hear Aira's voice in his mind.
"I'm not going anywhere…you'll never be without me…."
Thorin sighed unevenly and closed his eyes to rest. He thought mournfully, "If only that were true…."
Then his tiredness took hold and he succumbed to sleep with one final thought running through his mind as silent tears were shed from the corners of his eyes:
"I love you, my dear daughter…always…."
Kili's POV
It didn't take long for the rest of the company to join Thorin in resting. They were all exhausted and the events of the day had taken a great toll on them all, so only moments passed before everyone else in the company had laid down and gone to sleep.
Everyone except Kili.
Since the moment he had tried to jump from the mountain after Aira and Dori had stopped him, the poor young Dwarf hadn't uttered a single word. Once they were inside the cave, he had gone all the way to the back in the farthest corner and sat himself there, away from everyone else. Somehow, he had not yet shed any tears, yet that didn't mean the pain was any less agonizing. The shock of losing Aira had completely consumed him and he became torpid; immobile. He didn't want to move, he didn't want to speak to anyone, and he didn't want to think.
Aira; his Aira, whom he loved more than life itself, was lost.
Ever since the night in the Shire when they had been reunited, Kili couldn't ever imagine life without her. She was his best friend and the love of his life; he was always so sure that they would spend the rest of their lives together. They would live out the quest and fight side by side all the way; they would find a new home in Erebor, perhaps be married someday and would live the remainder of their lives in peace together. This was the future he thought was inevitable.
Now that future was gone completely.
All that he could see now was a dark and dreary future without Aira where he would live out the rest of his life alone. He could never give his heart or his love to anyone else, not when it all belonged to her entirely.
Kili's entire body was numb and frozen. He had long since dried off from the rain, but it was the excruciating pain of his loss that numbed every part of him from feeling any other emotions or feelings.
He no longer felt whole, like something; a part of him was missing. His heart was shattered like glass that could never be repaired. Nothing seemed to matter anymore.
It amazed him at how quickly life could change because, within the span of a couple of minutes, his life had been completely changed when he least expected it.
Aira was gone and Kili felt alone. He began to wonder just how he had been able to get along without her during the thirty years she had been away from Ered Luin.
"I never realized I loved her in all that time…," he thought to himself. "It was hard with her gone, but I always knew she'd come back. Now…she'll never come back."
"Kili…."
He didn't react or respond as Fili sat up from his bedroll next to him and was looking at him with a worried expression on his face. His eyes were a little red; he had shed his fair share of silent tears that evening and clearly he had done so before falling asleep, up until now.
The eldest Prince took his brother by the shoulders and begged him, "Brother, please, speak to me…or do something. I know you're suffering, but you haven't moved or said a word all night and it's scaring me! Your eyes look far and distant; you're not here where you belong and where you're needed. Please, Kee, say something!"
Kili just kept staring down at his knees and remained silent. When Fili was about ready to beg him again, he slowly but finally spoke in a low, hoarse voice, "Aira's gone, Fili…. She's gone…forever…and we'll never see her again. I've lost her…my one true love…my best friend…our best friend…she's not coming back…Aira's lost forever!"
Then, after what felt like an eternity of despondency, Kili finally broke down, threw himself into Fili's consoling arms and began to sob violently in agony, every tiny bit of emotion that he had held in bursting from within him. Fortunately, the two of them were far enough back in the cave so that Kili's weeping wouldn't wake up the rest of the company.
"She was gone for thirty years…why would we get her back now just to lose her again?" Kili cried miserably.
Fili held Kili close, trying his best to comfort him, and sadly replied, "I don't know, Kili. I really wish I knew…."
Letting out a pitiful moan, Kili gasped, "My heart hurts, brother…! The pain is just unbearable…!"
"Mine hurts, too. I know it's not the same pain as what you feel, but that doesn't mean it hurts any less."
"I kept having the thought that, once we take the Lonely Mountain, I would marry her someday…and we would be together for eternity. Now, that dream has become nothing but a hopeless one that will never come true and it happened in only a matter of minutes!"
Fili tightened his arms around Kili. "I know a lot of this was unexpected. When we first left for this journey, we didn't even know Aira was going to be here…and when she joined, she changed everything. Just because she's gone doesn't mean that we toss everything aside and give up. Aira would say that this quest is about taking back our rightful home and defeating the beast who stole it from our people; that this quest was never about her and we should not make it so."
He pulled back a bit so that his younger brother looked at up him with wet, red and swollen sorrowful eyes. "We can't give up because she's gone, Kili," Fili told him as firmly as possible. "If we do, I'm absolutely certain that Aira will haunt us for the rest of our lives for making such a foolhardy and stubborn decision on her behalf."
Kili began to protest, "Fili, I don't think I can—"
"I know what you're going to say and I'm not going to let you say it!" Fili snapped, still keeping calm. "I know you loved her very much and find it difficult to function now, but you cannot go down that path. We all have to find the strength to keep going and you must, too. Don't let Aira have died in vain, brother, by giving up all hope. Let us remain strong and finish what we set out to do…for Aira…to honor her and what she always believed in."
Kili could never have felt more grateful in his entire life to have such a wonderful older brother like Fili to always be there for him when he needed him. While there was still much sorrow in his heart, Kili found a small comfort in his brother's words, which was more than he ever thought he would feel again. And he knew he was right; he had to find the strength to continue on, but it was going to be so hard.
The youngest Prince's eyes welled up with tears again. "I miss her, brother…!" he choked out as he laid his head on his brother's chest again, clinging to him closely. "I miss her so much…!"
Fili rubbed his back soothingly. "So do I, Kee…so do I."
A brief moment of silence passed between before them before the two brothers heard low voices coming from the front part of the cave. They both looked at each other curiously and decided, without saying a word, to see what was going on. Kili quickly dried his wet cheeks and pulled himself together before following Fili to the part of the cave by the entrance.
They hid behind a wall as they could see Bilbo standing by the door with his pack all put together on his back and holding his walking stick. He looked like he was leaving. And Bofur was standing in front of him, having been on watch.
They heard him whisper, "No, you can't turn back now, eh? You're part of the company! You're one of us."
Bilbo replied, "I'm not now, am I? Thorin said I never should've come and he was right." Truthfully, he had heard when Thorin had said those words to Dwalin outside. "I'm not a Took, I'm a Baggins. I don't know what I was thinking. I never should've run out my door."
"You're homesick! I understand."
"No, you don't! You don't understand, none of you do. You're Dwarves! You're used to—to this life; to living on the road, never settling in one place, not belonging anywhere!"
Fili and Kili were shocked at Bilbo's small outburst. How could he say such spiteful words? They thought he was their friend….
Bofur had remained silent. Bilbo immediately began to try and apologize for what he said, but couldn't find the right words.
"No, you're right," Bofur replied, a hint of sadness in his voice. He turned and looked around at the other sleeping Dwarves, not noticing the two Princes peering around a corner. "We don't belong anywhere."
Bilbo spoke again, "I'm sorry, my friend. And I'm not being completely honest…I don't entirely want to leave just because I feel like I don't belong…."
"Then what's wrong?"
"It's just…the only reason I'm still here right now is because Aira risked her life for mine. I feel like her death was my fault."
"Oh, no, Bilbo…!" both Fili and Kili thought sadly in hearing Bilbo admit that.
He went on, "I know Thorin and his nephews are suffering the most from Aira's loss…she was a part of their family. And she meant a great deal to all of you. She's dead because she saved me…Thorin has hard feelings against me already and I feel that he will only detest me even more because of this. He was right in saying I never should've come. If I hadn't, Aira would still be here…so I have to go."
Both the young Dwarves were floored at how much even the burglar was affected by everything that had happened. They didn't want him to feel that way, it wasn't his fault!
Bofur shook his head. "It's not your fault, laddie...," he said to him, "…but I suppose there's no stopping you, is there?"
Bilbo shook his head back.
There was a short pause and then Bofur said, "I wish you all the luck in the world. I really do." He laid a hand on the Hobbit's shoulder and began to back away when he pointed out something peculiar about Bilbo's sword.
Bilbo pulled it out, showing that it was glowing a bright blue and his face fell.
"That can't be good!" Fili and Kili thought.
They heard a light hissing noise and looked down to see the sand and dirt underneath their feet slipping down and forming a line.
Just then, Thorin's voice rang out loud and warningly, "Wake up! Wake up!"
Suddenly, before anyone could react, the floor split and collapsed beneath them like a trap door and every member of the company slid down into the ground. From there, they fell and tumbled down a long, winding tunnel that made them all incredibly dizzy before finally landing in a large basket-looking trap.
Kili had landed near the edge with Fili and their uncle was right in front of them.
"Look out!" they heard some of the Dwarves shout.
They looked up to see a mass of ugly, foul-looking goblins charging towards them, screeching as they jumped on the Dwarves and clawed at them.
Thorin whipped around and reached out for his nephews to protect them, but a goblin jumped on his back and pulled him away.
"No!" Fili cried.
"Thorin!" Kili called out.
They were pulled up and shoved forward by many more goblins, all of them shouting for them to get back and get away. Fili turned and punched one of them right off the edge of the ravine, but found himself pawed by more goblins than before. Soon he and Kili found themselves near the front of the mass. The foul creatures were merciless in tugging them along and keeping a firm grip on them with their clawed hands.
Kili was in between Fili and Thorin. He could see his brother pushing violently against the small creatures and he knew his uncle was putting up a hard fight behind him. He himself didn't resist as much and just let himself be pushed along. For what reason, he didn't really know. Now him and the entire company had been pretty much captured by goblins and where were they being led to? No one knew.
Kili realized that now he had no choice but to gather his courage and his strength and endure whatever was to come, even though he still bore a great deal of sorrow inside.
He thought to himself as he was pushed along, "You never know how strong you are…until being strong is the only choice you have."
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What'd I tell ya? :P
Btw, Kili's very last line was actually from a picture I found of Kili and it had that saying on it. I really liked it and wanted to use it. I don't know who said it, but if any of you do happen to know who did, let me know! :)
Review/PM me, like always!
