Author's Note: Read/Enjoy/Review! Sidenote: Song used in this chapter is Make Up Smeared Eyes, no copyright infringment intended! Read ON!

Chapter 28: Still In Love With Who I Wish You Were

" Each move I made towards him, just seemed to pave my way to hell faster,"-Anonymous.


The nervousness is undeniable as I walk into the Staples Center Thursday morning. Scared of what people will think, what they've been saying since I collapsed at rehearsal a few days ago. Do they know that I was driven to the point of taking too many pills to make the pain go away? Or was it covered up by some excuse or another. Perhaps it was chalked up to dehydration. That seems to be the Hollywod excuse for just about everything nowadays.

" You okay?" Olivia asks her hand squeezing mine pulling me easily from my dark thoughts.

" Yeah, just nervous," I murmur nodding my head at her.

" It's going to be fine. Besides your best friend is here, so if anyone says a bad word about you I will sort them out," she says flexing her arm to show off her biceps. I laugh loudly shoving her playfully as we go through the door, and because my amazing skills of observation are less than stellar I manage to run head on into someone.

" I'm so sorry," I giggle, getting to my feet as Olivia continues to laugh uncontrollably.

" No she isn't," Olivia says her laughter fading slightly when she see's who it is before I do.

" It's all right," a soft voice murmurs, " Glad to see that your better." I look up slowly to find Michael standing, staring down at me, a weird glint in his beautiful eyes. Distance. Thats what's gleaming in his eyes.

" Yeah," I murmur, my heart hammering in my chest. We stare at each other for what seems like an eternity before Margot clearing her throat catches my attention forcing me to break the stare.

" We have a meeting with Larry," Margot says and I nod my head, turning to look back at Michael.

" I have to go, but I would like to talk to you later, if you have the time," I say shuffling my feet nervously.

" All right. Come and find me after the workout," he says, his voice so cold it seems like one I have never heard before. Not even when he accused Caleb and I of sleeping together did he sound like this.

" That was," Olivia murmurs pausing to take my hand in hers, " Awkward."

" Tell me about it," I say, heading into the meeting with nothing and nobody but Michael on my mind.


Two hours later I walk out of the meeting rubbing at my temple roughly, cursing the migraine brewing strongly behind my eyes.

" That man, is utterly infuriating," I hiss, gladly taking the water bottle that Margot offers me.

" I know, I'm sorry," Margot says a pained look on her face.

" Don't apologize, it isn't your fault," I murmur, my body still slightly vibrating from the pent up anger inside of me.

" That isn't the point. He acts like you aren't good enough for this. Does he honestly think that if you weren't good enough for this that the label would even put you in it? Hell no they wouldn't. Where does he get off," her words trail off as I gawk at her. I have never seen my cool headed assistant so worked up, " What?"

" Nothing, I've just never seen you get so angry," I say trying to clamp down on the laughter that threatens to bubble out of my lips.

" Well if there is one person that can piss me off, its Larry," she says walking with me towards the gym.

" It's going to be all right Margot," I say, " I will make him realize the error of his ways soon enough."

" You better," she murmurs as I walk away from her to join the group that is all ready stretching out. I notice a few new faces, ones that I didn't see before. Was I that drugged out that I couldn't remember the people that I saw just a few days before?

" All right ladies and gentlemen, I would like to welcome a few new faces," Wyatt says clapping his hands enthusiastically, " Jenna and Melissa took the place of Britney and Jane. Seems their schedules just wouldn't permit them to tour with us." My eyes scan the small group until I find Michael, staring at me, studying my face carefully. And it all clicks. He did this. He found out, somehow, exactly what it is that happened that day, and instead of glancing over it, or thinking me a fool for taking to heart the cruel things they said about me, he did something about it. Something lifts inside of me as a surge of pure love courses in its place.


A few hours later I stand against the wall of the gym watching as the last few people disperse, until finally its just Michael and I, watching each other from across the room. I take a deep breath as he walks towards me my heart aching by the distance that still lights his eyes.

" You wanted to talk," Michael offers, shoving his hands in his pockets.

" Yeah, I just," I murmur, " I just wanted to say I'm sorry. For everything. I've learned, in the last few days that life is short, and I don't want to waist time on something as stupid as being mad at you."

" Brooke," he murmurs a new look in his eyes, surprise. Like what I had said took him completely off guard.

" I know you were probably half expecting me to go completely off my rocker with you, I cant blame you, the way I've been acting lately, but I'm not mad at you," I murmur, " I don't think I was ever mad at you Michael. I was hurt. So hurt, and that killed me. It's been a really long time since I allowed myself to get close enough to someone for them to hurt me."

" Brooke," he whispers stepping so close to me that I can feel his warm breath wash over my skin sending a small chill up my spine. His hands come up slowly taking my face in his hands, his thumbs brushing over my cheeks, tracing the line of my jaw, brushing under my eyes as a slow and heartbreaking smile spreads across his lips. " I never wanted to hurt you Brooke. I would rather die than ever bring you pain, and yet that seems to be all that I am doing to you."

" Michael, stop," I plead, tears stinging my eyes as my hands circle around his wrists, but instead of embracing me in his usual manner he gently removes my hands from him and takes a step back.

" I saw you, when you were in the hospital," he says his voice soft as he stares at me with sad eyes.

" What, when?" I ask crossing my arms over my chest as I continue to look at him.

" You were asleep, and Olivia just stepped out of the room. I know I shouldn't have eavesdropped, but I knew that if I tried coming in to talk to you that you wouldn't say a word to me. I heard it all Brooke. The way you've been feeling, how much the things those girls said to you affected you, how much the things I did and said to you, hurt you. I don't know how long I sat there, watching you sleep. On the one hand grateful that you were alive, that they got you help in time. On the other hand, I felt so lost. Guilty. That something I did could make you hurt so bad. I promised you something that day, even though it wasn't said out loud, but it's a promise I intend to keep," he says his voice holding that hint of cold indifference that was there just this morning. He starts backing away slowly, his footsteps resounding off the walls.

" What was the promise?" I ask my voice strong despite how weak I feel.

" That I would walk away. Turn away from you, from us," he says, a pained looking marring his beautiful face, " I promised that I would never hurt you again."

" Michael you don't have to walk away from me," I say tears clouding my eyes, " Please, don't walk away."

" I have too," he says his voice dripping with sadness, " I don't ever want to be the reason for your pain Brooke. Remember this, I will always love you." I stare at him shocked, my heart beating sluggishly against my ribs as he stares at me.

" Don't," I beg. " Please just don't. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was stubborn, and stupid. Please, I cant live without you! Don't you get it? Even when I was mad at you, you were still the only thing that made everything okay again, as much as I hated it." He takes a few steps towards me, once again cupping my face in his hands, his exquisitely long fingers brushing away the tears that fall from my eyes.

" I'm sorry," he murmurs lowering his forehead to mine before brushing his lips over my forehead before turning and walking away from me.

" Brooke," Olivia murmurs as we drive through the city, the bright lights washing over my face showing the tears I'm trying so desperately to hide.

" Not now Liv, please," I whisper, not trusting myself to speak any louder, knowing that my voice would break. The car is silent the rest of the trip back to my apartment, and I slip out of the car before Olivia can even put it in park. I take the stairs two at a time, fumbling with my keys. I know its coming. The tears, the heart ache, the complete and utter feeling of being alone, and unwanted. I finally get the door open and rush inside, my lungs feeling as if they are seconds away from exploding inside me. I'm slightly grateful at least, that Caleb is nowhere in sight as I make a beeline for my bedroom. I step into my room, my sanctuary and shut the door flipping the lock before rushing into the bathroom and turning the shower on full blast, letting the sound of rushing water drown out the choking sobs that tear from my chest as I slide down the bathroom wall, crying into my arms.


A month has passed. Four long, grueling weeks since he told me that he was walking away from. Being a martyr is what he was trying to be. Go figure. He loves me, I love him, and yet somewhere along the way, wires got crossed and everything completely shattered around me. Maybe I was a fool for thinking that everything would go back to normal. That something as simple as me pleading and begging him to stay would make him actually stay. Oh who was I kidding, if there is one thing that I have learned about Michael its that once his mind is made up, it stays that way. So in the four weeks since that life altering talk things have been tense to say the least. So tense in fact that Olivia feels the need to point out that we should sleep together all ready and get it over with, claiming that the quote un quote sexual tension is so bad she can feel it all the way in Paris. Ha, as if its something as simple as sex. Its so much more complex than that. At least it is on my end. What do you do, when the only person that can make everything make sense again wont look at you, let alone speak to you? I shift nervously from foot to foot on the stage as I watch people gathering towards the front. Rehearsals are drawing to an end, and the tour launch date is rapidly approaching, a moment I'm dreading with everything inside of me. Tonight is the last night that we'll be in the 'safety' if you can call it that, of this center, with nobody watching us except for back up dancers, and crew. Sure it took a while to get Larry to warm up to the idea that there are two big acts in this whole thing, but once he did he worked with me, complying with just about everything I said. Including my opening number, in which I will be lowered to the stage with two other people flanking me, suspended by wires. I don't know exactly what I was thinking when I came up with the idea, but hey, you only live once right? A fact I quickly learned when I was suspended twenty five feet from the stage looking down and praying that I wouldn't end up wetting myself in front of a room full of people. I smile softly to myself as I stand tuning my guitar quietly waiting for Larry to give me my cue.

" You ready Brooke?" Larry calls to me and I nod my head slipping my monitoring earpiece in place as I adjust the shoulder strap of my guitar, stepping up to the microphone.

Left your t-shirt in my room, still smells of you, and the picture you hung on the door lay smashed, and picture perfect. Clearly nothing left but a memory, we only made out you never kissed me, that's how I learned to hold back all feeling.

Wait, please don't go, I won't stay. All these words on replay. I'm ok, its alright, good to know that you're fine.

Pretending everything is right to make it better. I'll hide my make up smeared eyes. To show that I'm fine.

Somehow you have managed to get under my skin, more than anyone ever did. And if every hole makes a scar, and every scar marks it place, Then I will never live freely without your trace.

And it'll never be fair, I wrote my songs for you and you never even cared.

So I'll forget you, I'll wash your t-shirt, and kill the pillow and cut you out of pictures.

Wait, please dont go. I wont stay. All these words on replay. I'm okay, its all right, Good to know that you're fine.

Pretending everything is fine to make it better. I'll hide my make up smeared eyes. To show that I'm fine.

This drama sat shotgun, my eyes rain like autumn, only the glove box knows how the story goes.

Now that this bandage is broken, and the cuts left and open, tell ya just one thing, this wasn't worth the sting.

I listen as the applause echoes off the walls of the arena and smile as I take a dramatic bow and smack hands with a few people before making my way backstage.

" Brooke," someone calls to me and I turn still smiling when I see Michael standing one hand in his soon to be trademark glove and I swallow deeply, part of me telling to me to just turn and run, while another part of me tells me to stay.

" Michael," I whisper back, smiling softly at him.

" That was," he pauses slightly as if looking for the right words to say," Some song," he says and I shrug my shoulder lightly.

" Yeah well, I had quiet the muse," I murmur, turning around quickly to gather my things.

" Ouch, okay, I guess I deserve that," he says following me closely, " Listen, I want to apologize. For ignoring you for the last month."

" Why now?" I ask, looking at him seriously.

" I had a talk with," he starts saying but Larry interrupts by calling him to the stage, " Listen, are you going to the big dinner tonight?"

" Yeah, I'll be there," I murmur watching him as he smiles.

" Okay, good, I was thinking maybe we can talk, you know just you and me, afterwards," he says and before I can think I nod my head in agreement, " See you tonight then." He leans in brushing a soft kiss to my forehead before jogging to the stage. I stare after him, blinking owlishly before turning to finish gathering my things.

" Men," I murmur laughing slightly as I walk away.


" Margot, do you know where my little black clutch bag?" I yell as I ruffle through the bottom of my closet cursing the fact that I have been so busy lately that I haven't had the chance to keep things organized.

" You mean this little black clutch bag?" Margot asks, dangling the bag in front of me as I roll my eyes at her and stand up straight.

" That would be the one," I murmur taking it from her hands.

" Wait a minute, what in the world are you wearing?" she asks staring at me, her cool eyes assessing me carefully. I stare down at my self, taking in my appearance. I don't know what's wrong with what I'm wearing. I look in the mirror and shrug my shoulders.

" What's wrong with what I'm wearing?" I ask turning my head to look at her.

" Well, for one, you look like you just stepped out of high school, and two, didn't Michael say something to you today?" she asks smiling slowly as she starts looking through my closet nonchalantly.

" Yeah he did. But I don't see how that has to do with anything," I say flopping onto my bed, " Besides, I do not look like I just walked out of a high school."

" Trust me, you do. And the point is, Michael has opened the lines of communication girl, you need to wear something tonight that is going to make him look at you and stop his heart. Something like," she says her hands quickly pushing clothes to the side until her hands freeze, " This." I look at the slinky dress she holds in her hands and much to my dismay feel the blood rushing to my face.

" Are you crazy, I cannot wear that," I say shaking my head furiously.

" You can, and you will. Now hurry up and change. Oh take your hair down too, give it a good shake," she says throwing the garment at me before breezing out of my room. I know I'm a grown woman and I can make the decision myself, but the truth is, there is absolutely no fighting it. Margot is a lot like Olivia when it comes to getting her way. She always gets it.

I stand in front of the floor length mirror and turn from side to side, having to admit to myself that Margot was right. As always. The flirty black dress fits snugly to mid thigh, showing off toned legs, thanks to the brutal work outs over the last month. The neckline low enough to show off some cleavage without revealing the jagged scar that lays against my skin. Not too bad at all.

" Knock, knock," Margot sings opening the door only to stop mid-step and let out a low whistle. " That dress is going to kill him," she says smiling at me as she hands me a small silver tube.

" What's this?" I ask looking at her confused.

" Red lipstick, exactly what that outfit needs," she says smiling smugly as I raise an eye brow at her. " I noticed that your make up collection doesn't run to red lipstick. Which is a shame. Every girl needs red lipstick. Seriously, it will completely change the way you feel"

" I've worn red lipstick before Margot," I say rolling my eyes at her dramatic words.

" Then it wasn't the right kind, seriously just try it," she says shoving me towards the mirror.

" Whatever you say," I whisper, painting the vivid red paint over my lips.


The truth is, as I slip out of the black SUV and wait patiently on the sidewalk outside of Yamashiro for Margot whose busy flirting it up with the valet, I do feel slightly empowered. I don't know if I would attribute it to the red lipstick, maybe it was the combination of the little black dress and the lipstick, or maybe it was nothing more than simple hope. Hope that Michael came to his senses, seeing as he did open the line of communication.

" You ready?" Margot asks, looping her arm through mine and I nod my head walking with her through the cool air, our high heels clicking over the pavement echoing behind us. I smile when we step through the door, greeted cheerfully by most of the crew. I smile noticing Caleb sitting at the far end of the table saving two seats for Margot and myself. I notice much to my dismay that most eyes are on me, but I just smile as I walk by trying to hide the fact that I have grown suddenly and overwhelmingly nervous by the attention.

" Wow sis, trying to give all the guys in the place a heart attack?" Caleb whispers as I take a seat. I playfully punch his arm and shake my head.

" Don't blame me, it was all her idea," I say nodding my head towards Margot who smiles innocently as she turns her head to the waiter to order a drink.

" Oh, so it's you who got my sister to get all dressed up, what's the occasion?" Caleb asks Margot and I roll my eyes.

" She just needed a little helpful push that's all," Margot says smiling at me. I search the room and with a sinking heart realize that Michael still isn't here. What if he isn't coming. What if it his remarks earlier were just some sick game that he was playing with me. I shake my head slightly. ' Come on Brooke, you know Michael. He would never do anything like that to you,' I rebuke myself lightly watching the door nervously, waiting for any sign of the man who has my heart.

An hour has passed and I find myself four seats down from where Margot and Caleb sit talking animatedly with a few of the back up singers.

" Hey," a soft accented voice says and I look up from my lap smiling slowly at Blake. Out of all of the crew Blake is the one that I can relate to the most. He is quiet, keeps to himself mostly, but when he gets onstage and picks up his guitar he just seems to come to life, like a switch in him is thrown and he's allowed to be who he was always supposed to be.

" Hey Blake," I say smiling at him patting the chair next to me which he takes gratefully.

" Sorry if I interrupted something, I just, I saw you sitting by yourself and thought I would come keep you company," he says shyly and I smile as blush paints his cheeks. " Thanks. And you weren't interrupting anything, I promise. I just didn't want to be around them," I say nodding towards my brother and friend and the group their talking too, " Their placing bets on when Michael and I will finally come to our senses and get together."

" Ahh," he says his face dropping slightly.

" Juvenile right? I mean we're adults, and besides, Michael walked away," I say knowing that this isn't news to Blake. Other than Margot and Olivia, Blake is the only other person who I have confided in any way. Weird I know, but there is just something about Blake. Maybe its the way his dark hair flops into his eyes, or how amazingly attractive his Aussie voice just seems to pull me in, comforts me, reminding me of exotic places.

" Stupid," he whispers and I look at him confused.

" Excuse me?" I ask slightly offended that he would call me stupid.

" No, not you. Him. Michael. He's an idiot. If he walked away from you he has got to have some sort of brain damage," he says and I blush slightly unable to stop the smile from spreading across my face.

" I think that's one of the nicest things anyone has said to me Blake, thanks," I say following impulse and hugging him lightly. He hugs me back and before I can remove myself from his arms the room erupts in cheers and I jump back noticing that he's finally here. With her.


I pace the women's room nervously, my high heels clicking rhythmically against the tile floor trying to calm the warring emotions inside of me. It shouldn't be this. I shouldn't feel this way. I don't have a claim over Michael. So why does it bother me so much that he showed up to this little shindig with Tatiana? Of course I know why it bothers me. She's the reason Michael and I aren't together. She showed back up in his life and stole away my one chance of complete and utter happiness. God how I hate her! I take a deep breath and spin around when the door opens behind me, revealing a panic stricken Margot.

" Are you okay?" Margot asks worriedly taking my arms in her hands.

" Peachy," I mutter, " I don't get it. Why would he say to me what he said earlier, if he was going to show up with her?"

" Okay I know it looks bad Brooke, but for all you know they could just be here as friends. I mean after all she is working on the tour," she offers and I shrug my shoulders.

" Don't remind me. I get to see her perfect smiling face taunting me every day for eighteen months," I say gripping the sink tightly shuddering slightly at the thought.

" All right just, take a deep breath and go back out there," she says turning towards the door, " Oh and one more thing. Fix your lipstick."


I make my way through the restaurant, weaving between tables carefully collecting my thoughts and reminding myself to keep my head up. Perhaps Margot's right, maybe they are just here as friends. I repeat that thought in my head over and over again as I walk back into the dining room where everyone is gathered and find Michael's eyes on mine. A slow smile on his lips as he stares at me and my heart sighs at the sight. I smile at him slowly as I take my seat, allowing myself to flow back into the conversation surrounding me. A few minutes pass when the sound of silverware clinking against a glass has the room growing quiet.

" Hey everyone," Michael says, his voice floating melodically around the room, " This will only take a few minutes. I just want to thank all of you, for working so hard on the preparation for this tour. From the bottom of my heart, each and every one o you is like family. And because you are all like family, I have an announcement that I want to share with all of you. Tatiana and I are engaged." I feel the smile on my face drop slowly as the air escapes my lungs quickly. Engaged? I shake my head slowly feeling tears biting at my eyes. I shrink back into my chair as cheers erupt and people get up making their way to the happy couple to congratulate them. I slip out of my chair and manage to get out of the room without anyone seeing the tears that are falling down my face. I step outside and walk to the back of the restaurant my heart shattering inside of me.

" Brooke?" a questioning voice calls to me and I don't have to look up to know who it is, " Brooke I'm sorry." I brush my fingers under my eyes before turning, looking at Michael who's face is the picture of remorse.

" Why? Why would you do this to me?" I ask, my voice shaky despite trying to sound so strong, " Was it not enough for you? To know that I love you, that I'm in love with you, and how much it hurt when you told me you were walking away? Did you need to see just a little bit more? See just how far you can push me before I completely break? Well congratulations Michael, I'm broken. Are you happy now?"

" I never wanted to hurt you," he says his voice firm as he steps towards me, " Brooke please. You don't understand."

" What is there to understand Michael. Your engaged, your getting married," I say the words alien to me even as I say them.

" Brooke, please just let me explain," he pleads as I push past him trying to get away. Away from his eyes, his face, the sound of his voice. Instead being Michael he cant just let me go so that I can slink off and lick my wounds, he grabs my wrist turning me to look at him.

" Just stay away from me Michael. I don't want to see you ever again, but seeing how that is an impossibility, I will deal with the fact that I will be stuck for the next year and a half of my life having to look at you with her, and pretend that it isn't killing me, but we aren't tour right now. So I don't have to stay here and watch you with her, now let me go," I all but scream not caring the least bit that tears are freely raining down my cheeks as I pull my wrist from his grasp. I turn walking as quickly as I can away from where Michael stands only to run straight into someone else.

" I'm sorry," I stutter breathlessly as I try so hard to keep the tears of anger inside my chest.

" Brooke? Are you okay?" a soft voice asks and I look up noticing Blake through tear filled eyes, staring at me his eyes lit with worry.

" Yeah, I'm fine, sorry," I whisper, walking around him.

" Hey, wait," he calls jogging to catch up to me, " Where are you going?"

" I just, I have to get away," I murmur as I keep on walking.

" All right. Well, how about I get my car and we can go somewhere," he says and I stop to look at him.

" You would do that for me?" I ask wrapping my arms around myself carefully.

" You look like you can use a friend," he says, " And I'm really good at being a friend." I stare at him smiling slightly as I nod my head.

" All right," I whisper taking the hand that he offers me.