Antonio pulled into the valet parking lane and jumped out throwing his keys to the valet. He opened Lovino's door to help him out to find Lovino wide eyed. The tears he'd had glistening in his eyes from the pain were now pouring down his face. Antonio hated himself. Why had he done this to such a perfect person. Lovino didn't deserve this much pain, this much heartache. Here he was, eight hours into delivering their child. All those dreams, all that ambition that Antonio had initially found so attractive, they had changed. People would say it was gone, but it all went to Luca. He wanted to do so much for him. Antonio hated himself for derailing Lovino, but he didn't hate himself for giving Lovino something he loved more than anything.
He would never admit he knew Matthew had been out with Emma that night. He knew exactly what he was doing when he went over that night. His intention was to try to get Lovino. He had wanted him so badly. He had thought if they just had a little wine, Lovino would loosen up a little and let his desires unleash. He could tell Lovino had years of pent up sexual frustration. He had never intended to get Lovino drunk nor had he intended to get drunk.
His mind could never forget the look in Lovino's hazel eyes, golden at the time, staring at his lips. Antonio wouldn't have tried anything physical had Lovino not shown any sign of not wanting it. And when Lovino had taken a few breaths and trembling ever so slightly, and brushed his lips against his, the world shattered. Antonio swore he could hear it. The feeling of Lovino pressing against him, the pressure of Lovino being aroused, it was the best feeling in the world. Lovino's nervous, hungry eyes staring at him, begging and hesitant all at once. The smile on his lips, the soft laughs Lovino let out after all those years of suppression was so free. Lovino's expression when he saw what Antonio was sure had been his first penis other than his own was so priceless. Antonio could practically hear the thought of how would it fit. It was cute how he really had no idea what to do. And when Antonio started to prep him, the way he squirmed from discomfort and pleasure had been so wonderful. When he pressed into him...Lovino's eyes were glued to Antonio. He knew it was uncomfortable for him, maybe slightly painful, but Antonio knew it'd start to feel good. He loved watching Lovino experience everything for the first time and yet…
It had felt different. Why had Antonio not realized it felt different? Every thrust, the way it felt. There was smooth and rough and smooth and rough. God...why? And he'd found it, the place that made Lovino shiver. It felt different. Why…? It felt different.
"I...I think my water just broke all over your car!" Lovino cried, pulling Antonio away.
"It's okay. You can't help that. It's not your fault." It's mine. It's all my fault. "Come on, let's get you inside."
"But they're leather! They're ruined. I ruined your seats. I ruined your car! You love your car!" Lovino babbled.
"It's okay," Antonio had assured him.
Finally after a bit more coaxing Lovino let him pull him gently from the car and walk him to the entrance. A man met them with a wheelchair and wheeled Lovino to labor and delivery. Lovino was whispering to Luca softly that everything was okay. And Antonio hated himself.
Lovino whimpered through a contraction as the nurse, Abby, checked him. He had to be pretty dilated, right? It'd been so long. He'd been at this for hours. He gripped the pillow, wanting to sob, but he couldn't. It would only make the contraction less effective. He was already so tired. He wanted it to be over.
"Looks like you're at a four," Abby smiled.
"A four?" Lovino whimpered, tears falling down his cheeks. "But it's been nine hours!"
"First babies always tend to take a while. You're doing so well. I'm really proud of you. Luca's doing quite well too!" she smiled, looking at the fetal monitor. "Would you like an epidural?"
Lovino shook his head, trying to keep his mind off the pain. He couldn't get the epidural. He had to help Luca. His pain was Luca's pain medicine. Right now Luca was terrified and in pain. His uterus was pushing Luca down into his pelvis and hard against his cervix. He was head first. So much pressure was being exerted on his tiny head. All he could think about was Luca. Each contraction was getting more and more painful. He tried to breathe.
"I can't…" Lovino managed to choke out. "I don't know," He whispered, brushing tears off his face. "It really, really hurts." Lovino glanced at Antonio who was standing by the door with an uncomfortable expression on his face. Lovino could tell he wanted to say something. Lovino glanced back at Abby. "Can I maybe be on the list? I can so no, right?"
"Yes, of course. It's better to be on the list and say no, than to say no and then want it later. Remember I'll be with you for this whole experience, okay? Just you and me. Is this dad?" She gestured toward Antonio.
"Um, y-yeah," Antonio said standing up straight. He cleared his throat and shifted. "I…I'm going to be a dad," he let out a laugh and fell against the wall laughing hard. "A dad. Me. Yep. I'm going to be a dad." He slid down the wall in shock. "I'm going to be a dad…"
"Obviously Antonio, you dumbass," Lovino hissed as he felt another contraction coming on.
"Are you okay, dad?" Abby frowned.
"He's fine!" Lovino snapped.
Abby smiled at him and glanced at Antonio. She dimmed the light and helped Lovino get comfort able while Antonio sat on the floor staring at his hands. She started an IV in the back of his hand. Lovino watched silently as she worked so expertly and quickly. He was so relieved he didn't have a contraction while she had a needle in his hand. She connected him up to fluids to keep in hydrated. He couldn't eat or drink anything now, just ice chips. He didn't mind. He didn't feel like eating or drinking anything. He felt like throwing up. Abby left the room letting Lovino she'd be checking on him through labor and would be there when he delivered. He was glad she'd be there. He liked her. She was so calm and sweet. Her voice was so soothing. He wondered how she could coach him through with that voice. It wasn't demanding like he'd imagine a delivery nurse's voice would sound like.
Lovino's eyes fell on Antonio. It bothered Lovino to see Antonio like this, no, angry. He had nine months to realize this. Lovino didn't believe that he thought it was a joke, not for one minute. Something just told him he knew the second Lovino pushed him out the door that day he told him he was pregnant and Antonio freaked out on him. How could Antonio not know? Lovino broke up with him over that. Even if he had thought it was a joke, he'd had weeks to realize this. Now he was sitting here acting like somehow he had to take a minute because Luca was coming now. No. All Antonio got to do was fuck Lovino and tell him he loved him. He made Lovino believe that and part of him wasn't so sure that was true. He bought a house, sure. He said he loved him. But a part of Lovino that was always in the back of his head was emerging now. He was so angry. Why did Antonio act this way?
Lovino laid in bed, tears in his eyes, a few dripping down into the pillow. He was sure to rub his belly to reassure Luca that it would be okay. Lovino wasn't sure about that either. Would everything be okay? Would Luca be okay? Would he himself? Would Antonio really stay there? Would he really have a perfect house to call home with the man he was in love with and their child? Was he really even in love? How did you know you were in love? Contraction after contraction, Lovino was filled with introspection that he'd never thought about before. It was happening. Luca was coming. He didn't feel like he'd thought this through enough. He loved Luca more than anything in the world and he hadn't even see him really. It was terrifying being pregnant. Labor was painful and terrifying too. But now the thing that shook Lovino the most was Luca.
Antonio sat on the foot of the bed and glanced at Lovino. They hadn't said a word to each other yet. Lovino didn't feel like talking. He needed to breathe and get through this. He needed to focus. He didn't need to worry about Antonio's feelings right now. This wasn't about him. What did he have to go through? He just had to sit there.
"I'm scared, Lovino…" Antonio said softly.
"You?" Lovino let out a laugh. "I really don't give a fuck right now."
Antonio look at him with a hurt expression on his face. Lovino rolled his eyes and focused on getting through one more contraction. One by one. That's how Lovino needed to take this. Just one contraction. Get though one contraction and it was one more behind him. How long had it been? He wanted it to be over. He was so tired already, but it hurt to much to sleep. His body was already exhausted.
"I know you're in pain and feeling a lot of things, but I really think you should listen to how I'm feeling because we're in this together. You know you're not the only one that matters, okay? We both did this. We both chose to sleep with each other. So my feelings are just as valid." Antonio's eyes glistened with tears.
"Well I fucking hate you," Lovino glared.
"What?" Antonio stood up.
"You did this! You're the one who got me drunk so I'd sleep with you! You're the one who got me pregnant! I'm not the only one that matters, fucking cool. But you know what? I don't give a fuck what you have to say. I don't give a shit. You got all the fun. You just enjoyed sex. When I found out, I was so terrified and I went to you and you had the privilege of walking out. And don't you fucking dare to say a word, okay? You never felt that terror. You're not the one who had your father disown you. You didn't lose your family. You didn't lose out on your future. You didn't feel the aches and pains of pregnancy and you don't feel this and you won't feel what it's like to have a child squeezed out of you. So no, I don't give a fuck what you're feeling." Lovino whimpered as a new contraction came.
"You're wrong." Antonio whispered after a minute. "When I came out as bi, my parents didn't speak to me for a month and I lived there."
"Whoop de fucking do," Lovino rolled his eyes. "You didn't lose your family. They still talk to you."
"Whatever…" Antonio rolled his eyes.
More silence between them. Antonio was just sitting there playing with his phone. Lovino was sure he was texting Francis all about this. He was telling him how mean Lovino was about not caring. Lovino didn't care. He stared at the wall counting. He wanted his mom. He wanted his dad. He wanted them to hold him and tell him it was okay. He wanted to tell Matthew and Feli he was here, in labor. He wanted someone with him.
"Hey, Lovi, um, there's something going on. I need to step out for a bit. I'll be right back. I promise." Antonio said kissing Lovino softly on the forehead.
"What?" Lovino whimpered.
"I just have to go outside for just a minute. Francis is having a really hard time, okay? I'm going to talk to him for just a minute, okay? Just one minute, okay?" Antonio smiled, brushing back Lovino's sweat soaked hair.
"But…but…" Lovino didn't know what to say. He didn't want him to go. He didn't want to talk to him either, but he didn't want him to go. God…he didn't want him to go. "Please don't."
"It won't be long," Antonio promised and slipped out leaving Lovino alone.
Antonio met Francis outside the hospital entrance, trembling. He walked past him quickly, his eyes scanning as he walked. He could hear Francis' footsteps behind him, signaling that his friend was following him. He found a small park, or was it a courtyard? He didn't know and he didn't care. He sat down on a stone bench and lit up a cigarette, offering on to Francis who declined.
"What's wrong, Toni? I thought this would be a good day for you." Francis rubbed his back.
"It should be, shouldn't it?" Antonio wiped his face, holding his cigarette to the side. "I just…I'm going to be a dad, Franny. A dad. I never wanted to be one this young. Everything's done for me now, you know? I can't go out with you drinking and partying and stuff. Gil's gotten old and boring since law school and Emma was the same, studying constantly and working for her career, but you and I, you and I had fun." Antonio flicked the ashes off the end of the burning paper and tobacco.
"Maybe that's a good thing," Francis offered and hugged his cardigan around him despite the hot weather. "We're twenty-seven, Toni. Aren't we old for the clubs and parties? Gil didn't get old and boring. He had Ludwig to take care of and he needed to provide for him and he wanted to be a lawyer after all that weird stuff happened. You know he was determined to adopt Ludwig so they wouldn't be separated. The courts were threatening it. You were there. He had to focus if he was going to keep his little brother. He didn't need to go out anymore. He needed to tone it down. He still came out with us occasionally."
"Yeah, I know," Antonio let out a shuddering breath. "He was a wreck. Paperwork and CPS and constant court dates. I'd never seen Gil work that hard in his life."
"Because he had a little kid to take care of. Emma, she had to take a step back because she had always wanted to be a nurse. She couldn't go out every night, just during term breaks and occasionally after she started working. She met Matthew and she didn't need to go out. She would rather stay home cuddling with him and watching movies at home on the couch than go out to a dark club getting wasted and going home with a random stranger. Honestly since I met Arthur, I haven't wanted to go out so much. We stay in and drink coffee and tea and wine and talk about books and art. We have dinners on the floor in our pajamas." Francis' eyes sparkled, a smile on his lips.
"I know. That's what happens when you get stuck in a relationship," Antonio finished his cigarette started a new one. "I never wanted that. I wanted things to be exciting. I didn't want to settle down until I was older. I mean I established my restaurant and business and I could just go out and do what I wanted. Even with Lovi, I mean, I got this feeling that I could just go out and party. I could come back and fuck him and then we'd sleep or watch a movie. You know when he told me it couldn't be a relationship because he needed to stay focused on school, part of me was so happy and eager to believe him and the other part of me knew it was a relationship to him from the start despite what he said, but he was so buried in school it didn't matter if I went out. I'd come into his apartment and sneak into his room and hug him from behind while he was at his desk doing homework. I'd give him a kiss and lay on his bed and watch him. My little nerd," Antonio's lips curled into a small smile. He wiped his tears. "I'd coax him away and I'd fuck his brains out. He used to do this thing where afterwards, he trace the indentions of my muscles and he'd stare up at me with these innocent eyes. You could see all the excitement and hesitation. Did you know he's a really devoted Catholic? He was so scared to admit he was gay and he finally did and he just wanted it so much. He used to call me in the middle of the night just to talk. And he thought it wasn't a relationship. It was supposed to be sex with us. Just sex and friendship. And I always knew he couldn't do that. A guy like him, no. He's the type of guy who loves unconditionally and he made a vow to himself that whoever he lost his virginity to was who he'd be with forever. He's so sensitive and sweet, but nobody would know that. Somewhere, somewhere along the line we fell in love. I don't know where it was for me. I know for him it was that first kiss. You could see it on his face. The way he looked at me…his eyes would soften just a bit and the corners of his mouth would twitch up. God, I fucked up so bad…"
Antonio held his head in his hands as he sobbed. He was a horrible person. God he hated himself. Why did he even bother? He should just go jump off a bridge or shoot himself or just drink himself to death. The world would be so much better off without him. He'd leave his money to Lovino and Luca for all the trouble he'd caused. He didn't need to be here. All he did was fuck things up. Everything he touched was ruined. It was like that story where everything the person touched turned to stone and they could never even touch the people they loved without turning them to stone. That was him. He sucked the life out of everything. Who was he kidding? He just needed to die already.
"I knew." Antonio whispered. "I knew and I ruined everything."
"You knew what?" Francis asked softly, taking a cigarette now himself. Antonio held his out for Francis to use as a light.
"That night when I went over there, I knew what I wanted. I knew Matthew and Emma were having a date on the couch. I knew after Alfred got back with his date with that girl he was seeing that Matthew would go home and take his brother with him. I knew Lovino was somewhere in that grey space between buzzed and drunk. I knew when I took him to that bedroom. I didn't have a condom besides the one and I should have stopped and told him I was going to get more. I shouldn't have listened, but I got him so turned on and wanted it and I couldn't leave. It felt different and I didn't think about it. I know I took advantage of him and I ruined it. He had this idea of what it'd be like. It was perfect, I promise, but he doesn't remember it. He remembers the next morning, the dull aching and the strange feeling of being stretched out. He remembers feeling terrified and confused. I'd already gotten him pregnant that night and I didn't even know." Antonio felt the embers fall on his arm, but he didn't flinch. The pain felt so good. He deserved to feel pain.
"Antonio, we've been in his position and it's not a good feeling. But you two have this weird thing going on. It's not right you did what you did intentionally. You have never brought alcohol over." Francis frowned.
"When he told me he some guys could get pregnant, I was confused why he was bringing it up. And he told me. I didn't believe him at the time, but when I went home, I knew it was true. I saw the fear in his eyes, the tears. He was serious and I just…I knew. I told him to get an abortion, but I tried to play it off as me thinking it was a joke. I loved him. I love him, but I never wanted a child, Francis. Not now. I make it seem like he's the one who left me, but I had already walked away the second he told me. I knew. And I knew I was in love with him. I knew I wanted him and I knew I ruined his life. I loved him. I do love him." Antonio lit another cigarette and watched the embers. It was all he could do not to stick it into his skin.
"I had a feeling…" Francis frowned. "That's not okay, but I'm glad you're owning up to it."
"I ruined his life. I put him through pain and suffering. I cost him his family, his job, his education. He had a full ride, Francis, a full ride and he dropped out. He can't get that back. He had dreams of being a doctor. He was this little nerd who would talk to me about science and the body, but he stopped. That fire he had in him, I put it out. I did so much to him and I can't even sit in the room with him while the labor gets worse and worse. It's been close to fifteen hours now and I can't do it. I can't watch him writhe in pain, Francis. I know I caused him that pain, but I can't do it. Dios mio, I am so selfish. I think I'm going to leave. He's going to just be in more pain and I can't, I can't watch him give birth. I told him not to. I begged him to get the surgery. But no, he's so selfless he's going to cause himself so much pain and trauma for Luca. I could never do that. I'm sitting here with you because I can't listen to him whimper or cry for another minute or I'm going to just kill myself." Antonio brushed his skin with the burning end hoping Francis didn't notice. He wondered what it'd be like to burn to death.
"Well…" Francis was quiet for a moment and brought his knees up to his chest and faced Antonio. "You've done a lot of horrible things, mon ami, but that doesn't make you a bad person. You can't change the past, Antonio, but you can choose the future. I know you regret hurting him and you never meant to. You're a sweet person, but you are careless at times. You want your family to take you seriously and you want your siblings to finally respect you, right?" Antonio nodded. "Then go back in there. You sit with him and wipe away his tears and hold him. Rub his back, hold his hand, feed him ice chips. Hold the trash or barf bag or whatever when he throws up, because that isn't uncommon. Be there for him. Maybe seeing him suffer so much will show you that you need to be more cautious. If you love him like you say you do, you'll do anything for him and right now, he's scared and he needs you, okay?"
"I'm scared," Antonio whispered.
"I know, but he's terrified and he needs you to be brave. He needs you. You two are so complicated, but I know you love him. So go," Francis stood up and pulled Antonio to his feet.
"Okay, okay, I'll go. Gracias, Francis," Antonio whispered and let Francis hug him. He wrapped his arms around him and took one final deep breath and brushed away the tears.
"Are you going to be okay?" Francis asked, holding him at arm's distance.
"Si…at least I think I am."
"Good. Well I need to get back. It's getting late and I'm sure Arthur is going to try to cook for me. I have to get back before he burns the apartment down." A smiled danced on the man's lips.
"When am I going to meet this mysterious Arthur you talk about so much?"
"When the time is right. I really think I have something good with him. I'll see you later, Toni. I expect to get photos and time of birth and weight and size the second you can."
"Of course," Antonio forced a smile.
"Au revoir," Francis blew a kiss to him as he left.
I can do this. Antonio took a deep breath and walked back to Lovino's room.
Lovino was getting checked for dilation when Antonio got back. Lovino was squeezing a pillow to his chest for dear life, tears sliding down his face. Lovino was always so reserved when it came to Antonio putting his fingers up there to stretch him out. He wouldn't look at Antonio, rather he would stare at the ceiling or hold his arm over his eyes. He told him it was embarrassing. Antonio couldn't imagine it now. He had to have had so much poking and prodding and now Abby was there checking his cervix. Antonio felt sick to his stomach.
"You're at a six! So you're progressing," she smiled.
"I can't do this anymore," Lovino whispered. "It hurts so much. I can't take it anymore." He buried his face in the pillow and sobbed. Antonio watched Abby crouch down in front of Lovino and rub his back.
"I know it hurts, Lovino. You're doing so great. You've been at this for fifteen hours and you've been a champ." Lovino looked up at her. "You're on the list. The anesthesiologist will be here soon and you can let him know."
"I'm letting Luca down," Lovino whispered. "I promised him I'd give him all the endorphins he needs to not feel it. I promised him."
"I know, Lovino, I know. That's very nice of you, but if you are worn out and on the edge, I'm sure Luca will be okay. He needs you to be rested enough for delivery and to hold him. You're getting so close. Soon he'll be here."
Lovino nodded and brushed the tears off his cheeks. His eyes fell on Antonio. He held his hand out to him. Abby stepped out as Antonio went to Lovino, taking his hand. Lovino played with his hand, rubbing Antonio's palm. Antonio rubbed circles on the back of Lovino's hand. They sat like this for a moment before Lovino's tear filled eyes met his.
"I'm sorry." His voice was just barely above a whisper.
"What do you have to be sorry about, Lovi?" Antonio kissed his forehead.
"I can't do this. I told you I could and I thought I could, but I can't. I'm sorry I'm giving up." Antonio frowned and brushed the tears off Lovino's cheeks.
"You're amazing, Lovino. I couldn't do this. I couldn't deal with a fraction of this. You're so brave and I love you so much and if an epidural is what it takes, then do it. I'm proud of you no matter what. Luca will be okay. He knows you're here."
Lovino nodded as the anesthesiologist walked through the door. He introduced himself and had Lovino sit on the side of the bed. Antonio held him as Lovino had to curl as much as he could despite contractions. He watched silently as Lovino's back was swabbed with betadine. A sterile needle was jabbed into Lovino's back causing him to his and jump slightly. He whimpered, but Antonio wasn't sure if it was from the labor or the needle. A long catheter was threaded in and the needle as removed. A large dressing was applied and Lovino was able to sit. As the medicine infused, Lovino let out a sigh of relief almost instantly.
"This is magic," Lovino whispered. "I don't feel the pain anymore. It's just pressure."
"That's good," Antonio smiled.
"Yeah…"
Lovino stared at the wall, tears falling down his face. He couldn't feel the pain anymore, but he could feel the pressure of the contraction. He was so tired. He wanted to sleep, but he couldn't. He could feel Luca squirming around frantically, especially during the breaks between contractions. He was scared…
"Why are you crying, mi amor? Are you in pain? Do you need more?" Lovino shook his head to answer Antonio's question.
"He's scared." Lovino whispered. "I can feel him moving so much. He's scared and probably in pain. He's being forced down into my cervix head first. He's so scared. There's nothing I can do to help him. I just have to lay here and wait. I want him to not be scared," Lovino sobbed into Antonio's shirt.
"I know, baby, I know," Antonio whispered rubbing his back. "Get some rest so you have enough energy to get him out quickly, okay?"
Lovino nodded. Antonio was holding him and whispering sweet things. It calmed him down and he felt Luca calm as well. Pure love was all Lovino felt as he fell asleep.
"Push, push, push!" Dr. Evans coaxed.
Lovino was trying so hard. He was exhausted and it hurt so bad. Two hours. He'd been at this for two hours. He was drenched in sweat, tears filled his eyes. He just wanted to give up. It had been so long. Twenty-six hours of labor and he was still going. He fell back against the bed. He closed his eyes and laid his arm across his face. He wanted his mom. He had never wanted her more than now. She'd help him.
"Okay, Lovino, I need you to not push. You're baby is coming out of your vagina into the anal canal. If you feel the need to push, every gently, remember?" Dr. Evans instructed.
Lovino nodded with a whimper as his contractions pushed Luca further and further down. The stretching was so painful. He just wanted it to stop. Despite this pain, he didn't want a C-section. This was good for Luca. God, when would it be over? The pain just got worse and worse. It was a burning feeling and if he wasn't mistaken, he was sure he felt tearing.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" Lovino cried.
"Okay, he's crowning. Breathe, Lovino, breathe." Dr. Evans smiled up at him. "Gently now. Push, push, push."
Lovino let out a soft scream as Luca's head was born. He took another breath and pushed once more. He could feel Luca's body slip out as the room filled with the loud cries of his baby. It was over. He let out a laugh and brushed his tears away. They set Luca on him and dried him off. Lovino smiled, touching his child. He couldn't him up yet. He was still attached. He was so small. Lovino had never known anything could be that tiny. He watched them clamp the cord and give Antonio the scissors to cut. A pang went through Lovino's heart. This was it. They were connected anymore. Luca wasn't safe now. He could be hurt or taken away from him. Lovino was the only person who could keep him safe and now…
Abby smiled and congratulated him. She picked up Luca and set him in a warmer while they did a quick check on him. Lovino's eyes were glued to his tiny baby. They put a blue band on his ankle. Lovino barely noticed as they slipped a pink bracelet on his wrist. A blue band was attached to Antonio's wrist. He didn't care. He didn't hear anything anyone was saying. His baby was finally here. After all those months he was here. Lovino could hold him and touch him and see him.
"Five pounds, ten ounces! Tiny little tot. He's nineteen and a half inches long." Abby smiled.
"Can I hold him?" Antonio breathed.
"Not yet. We're going to do skin to skin with mama for an hour to keep Luca warm and promote bonding. You're more than welcome to hold him after that when mama says it's okay." Abby picked Luca up and laid him on Lovino's chest.
"Just for a minute?" Antonio asked.
"No, the sooner we do skin to skin the better it is for them both." She was firm in her decision.
Lovino couldn't care less that Antonio was so upset. He hadn't been through this. All Lovino had dreamed about his whole pregnancy was seeing his baby. He was perfect. His hands and feet were still a pale white blue, but the rest of him was so red. He was so small. Lovino held him, new tears falling down his face, only instead of pain, it was love. The baby wiggled a bit and suddenly was on Lovino's nipple. He inhaled sharply at the feeling of the tiny mouth on him. Luca's tongue grazed him a few times before he started suckling. It was so uncomfortable, but Lovino didn't stop him. His little boy had been through a lot. He needed to be nourished.
"Will it always hurt?" Lovino glanced at Abby. "Him nursing."
"It shouldn't hurt. He may be on wrong. Let's see." She hovered over him and nodded. "Let's take him off and put him back on, okay? His mouth should cover all of this area or it's going to hurt and he's not going to be getting any milk whatsoever." She repositioned Luca. "Is that better? That is a great latch."
"Um, yeah. It still feels uncomfortable…and weird."
"I know, but you'll get used to it. It's very common for you to have sore nipples at first since you're not used to having a baby sucking at them every few hours."
Lovino nodded. He whimpered as contractions started again. Dr. Evans asked him to push to deliver the placenta. He didn't want to. It was ruining his moment with Luca. He did as was instructed and barely acknowledged that he was going to get stitches besides the sharp pinch of the lidocaine needle. He couldn't be bothered with that right now. He had Luca. He was feeding Luca. Everything was over. It didn't matter anymore that he wasn't in school or that he and his father weren't speaking. He didn't care that he and Antonio were still not sure what they were and they were still figuring it out. All that mattered was Luca.
"Lovi," Antonio smiled and went to kiss, Lovino who turned away. Antonio's kiss landed on his cheek. "I'm so proud of you. You did so well. I love you."
"I love you too," Lovino murmured, his eyes not leaving Luca. "Tonio?"
"Hm?"
"Don't ever touch me again."
"What?"
"Don't ever touch me again," Lovino's eyes flicked up to Antonio. "I'm never having sex ever again."
"Okay…" Antonio let out a laugh.
"I'm serious." Lovino brushed a tear off his face.
"But you love sex," Antonio smiled. "You're just saying this right now."
"No, I'm not. You didn't push a baby out of your ass. You don't know how painful that is. Sure, my body makes that possible and doesn't do horrible damage. It still hurts. Do. Not. Ever. Touch. Me. Again."
"Okay, fine," Antonio huffed. "Can I hold him when he's done nursing?"
"No." Lovino whispered. "Abby said an hour and I have been dying to hold him for months."
"Just a minute," Antonio asked softly. He caressed Luca's arm.
"Leave him alone!" Lovino snapped. "He's my baby."
"He's my baby too," Antonio pouted.
"Okay." Lovino didn't care.
"I'm going out. I'll bring you food," Antonio tried to hold back tears.
"Okay. Can you pick up Feliciano? I told him he didn't have to take the bus to go to his chemo treatment today. Then he can come see me and meet Luca."
"Whatever…" Antonio muttered.
Feliciano walked Antonio into the hospital room, an eager smile on this face. The lights were dimmed. Loving was on his side facing away from the door toward a small clear crib. It took everything in him not to rim straight from the baby. He glanced back at Antonio was standing behind him, hugging himself, his eyes shifting. Feliciano rolled his eyes. He was so tired of Antonio trying to play victim. He didn't buy the anxious act, not one bit. He sent a glare at the man and skipped over to his brother.
He knew he was going to be exhausted. While Feliciano wanted nothing more than to meet his baby nephew, he wanted to comfort his brother more. Feliciano crawled into bed, ignoring Antonio's protests that no one was allowed in bed with Lovino. He noted Lovino's stomach had seemed to have gone down quite a bit when he hugged him.
Lovino stirred with sleepy eyes. He looked up at him and smiled turning to sit up. Feliciano frowned as a pang with through him at Lovino's hiss and whimper and teary eyes. He watched him take a few breaths. He held his arms out to Feliciano who rushed to hug him.
"Do you want to meet him?" Lovino whispered. "He's perfect. I love him so much. He's okay." Lovino let out a soft laugh.
"Yes, so much!" Feliciano beamed.
"Tonio, can you let Feli hold him?" Lovino said just barely a whisper.
Feliciano glanced over at Antonio who looked like he had just picked up the sleeping baby. His eyes stared, tearful between Lovino who was now playing with the sheets and Feliciano. He glanced at Luca and jet his jaw.
"I'm his father and I've never held him…" Antonio said softly, bringing Luca to his chest protectively.
"And whose fault is that?" Feliciano snapped. "You're holding him now, aren't you?"
"L-Lovino had to hold him skin to skin for an hour. It's a hospital policy. I needed air. It's none of your business, but I haven't been doing great. I picked you up and now I'd like to hold my son."
"You haven't been doing great?" Feliciano scoffed. "I've been going through chemo almost a year and here I am. I stood by Lovi through everything and you feel entitled?"
"No, I...I...I…" Antonio stuttered tears in his eyes. "Lovi…"
"Please, Tonio? I don't want to deal with the two of you arguing. I know you want to hold him, but my brother is stubborn and he has been wanting to meet him as long I as I have. He has to leave for his chemo treatment in like twenty minutes. You'll get to hold him after. I promise." Lovino gave Antonio a begging expression.
"Lovi…" Antonio plead.
"Please?"
"Fine."
Antonio glanced at Luca, his face softening. He snuggled him and kissed him before sending a glare at Feliciano who returned with a smug smirk. Antonio glanced at Lovino then walked over to Feliciano who eagerly took him. He watched Antonio for a moment, making sure he wouldn't take Luca back. He sat opposite Feli next to Lovino, taking his hand, whispering a soft "I love you" that Feli doubted was true. Antonio leaned over and kissed Lovino. Feliciano watched with a small smile at the sweetness of the kiss. Lovino's hand holding Antonio's face. Feliciano had never seen his brother kiss anyone before. He wished it wasn't Antonio. The two rested their foreheads together, Antonio holding Lovino's hand, rubbing circles. They began whispering to each other. Feliciano felt safe to give attention to his nephew knowing his brother was okay.
He gasped staring down at Luca. Big blue eyes stared back at him. He was bundled up tightly like a cocoon, a small blue hat with a teddy bear face was on his head, though a little too big. He was perfect. He had a cute button nose.
"Can I unwrap him?" Feliciano whispered.
"Just for a moment. He can get cold," Antonio shifted.
The boy unwrapped his nephew gently eliciting an agitated whimper. "It's okay," Feliciano murmured. "He's so tiny…"
"Five pounds ten ounces. Nineteen and a half inches long. He's very small, but, it was uncomfortable the whole time and I was huge. Fucking hell he hurt coming out…" Lovino told him softly, his eyes on Luca.
"Wow…" Feliciano awed.
He played with Luca's fingers. He'd never seen anything that small. His skin was so soft. He wanted to see his little feet, but he had a matching onesie on. He was so cute. A warmth and then a smell caused the boy to giggle. Luca let out a small whimper, hands in his mouth and turning toward Feliciano.
"I think he pooped. He's trying to eat me." Feliciano let out a giggle as he handed the baby to Lovino.
Lovino snuggled Luca. His heart raced. This was Luca's first dirty diaper. He had done this so many times on a doll, but Luca was so small. How could he do it like that? He was so fragile. He glanced at Antonio and laid the child on the bed in front of him. It hurt so much, but he had to do it. Luca needed to be changed. He stared at Luca and took a deep breath.
"Are you alright?" Antonio asked setting a diaper and wipes on the bed. "You look anxious."
"I...I've never changed a real baby. What if I hurt him?" Tears glistened in his eyes.
"You won't. I promise." Antonio smiled and brushed away his tears. "I'll help you. Would you like me to do it first?"
Lovino nodded and watched Antonio. Luca fussed the whole time. He hated hearing his baby cry. Was Antonio hurting him? How would they know? He was so small. He can't talk. People told him you know a baby's cry. Lovino wasn't so sure. He wanted to snatch Luca away from Antonio, but the dark, tar-like stool needed to come off. What was it called again? Meconium?
"You're hurting him," Lovino finally managed to choke out.
"No, he's just fussing because I'm changing him and it's cold. He's okay," Antonio smiled and kissed Lovino on the forehead.
Lovino nodded, keeping his eyes on Luca was frowning pathetically as he sucked on his hands. Again. How many times had it been now? Three and he was only eight hours old. Again. Lovino winced just at the thought. It wasn't comfortable.
Antonio bundled Luca up and cuddled him for a moment. It wasn't fair. Why could Antonio do that and he couldn't? Why was Antonio so good at this? Lovino watched the baby root around on Antonio who laughed and handed Luca over to his Papa.
Lovino took him carefully. He was so scared he'd break. He didn't want to touch him. Yet the instant he held Luca to him, he so overwhelmed with love and emotion he could do nothing except cry. Those little eyes staring at him, the little fingers holding his. Tiny.
Lovino stared at him. He loved him, but who was this baby? He didn't know him, but he loved him. It felt so strange. This tiny human looked at him like he was the world, but Lovino...Lovino didn't know him.
"Lovi?" Feli touched his shoulder.
"Huh," Lovino jumped.
"Are you going to feed him?" Lovino glanced down at Luca.
"Y-yeah." Lovino stammered.
He let his hospital gown fall away from one side as he positioned Luca. Almost instantly he felt the warmth of Luca's mouth and strong sucking. Lovino bit his lip as he got used to the first few minutes. It felt wrong. It felt all wrong. He didn't feel what he had before. All he felt was frustration. He wanted sleep. Everything hurt and this, this, this baby…
Feli laid his head on Lovino's shoulder and curled up to him. He didn't say anything at first, just cuddled him.
"You grew a cute baby," Feliciano smiled. "He's perfect."
"Yeah…" Lovino agreed.
The child was perfect. Lovino couldn't deny that. He was so tiny, so sweet. He loved so completely. Lovino took a deep breath and smiled down at Luca, his Luca. Why was he doubting him? He loved Luca, so why was he having such a hard time connecting now? When he'd first been born, when he first met him, it had been so strong and now…
"How was it?" Feliciano asked softly, sitting back.
"Um…" Lovino swallowed, not taking his eyes off Luca. "It...um…"
"I've never seen a person in that much pain. It was horrific." Antonio shuddered.
"I'm sorry, did you have a baby? No? I'm not talking to you," Feliciano glared.
"Can the two of you get along for just one minute?" Lovino begged, closing his eyes.
"Lo siento…" Antonio mumbled.
"He hurt you," Feli said quietly. "I can't overlook that. I don't like him."
"Please, Feli? I am so tired. I don't need fighting. Please?" Lovino sat teary-eyes.
"I'm sorry," Feli huffed. "So?"
"I don't really know how to put it. The contractions hurt. It was gradual though. I ended up getting an epidural, but it still hurt. I woke up to horrible pain. And then I pushed for a little over two hours. It felt like I was going to split in half. It hurt so much," Lovino sniffled. "It was a total of twenty-six hours of labor. I had to have stitches." Lovino brushed the tears away angrily.
"Oh...wow…" Feli breathed.
"It still hurts. They said I could have something for the pain, but I don't want to hurt Luca. They told me it will be okay, but I'm not so sure." Lovino played with Luca's fingers.
"Lovi, you need to take care of yourself. If you don't, bad things can happen. Remember what Dr. Evans said? It can increase postpartum depression and psychosis. That would be bad." Feli frowned at him.
"I know, but...I don't want to hurt Luca," Lovino whispered.
"Being in pain and exhausted isn't going to help Luca." Feliciano said gently.
"He's right, Lovi. You need to sleep, eat, drink, take your pain meds. You haven't done any of that," Antonio agreed.
Lovino picked Luca up in an attempt to burp him. He felt so angry. How could they sit there and attack him? They had no idea. Twenty-six hours of intense labor and delivery had completely wipes him out. He had to stay awake that hour he held Luca. He'd fed him for the first time during that hour. Luca took up the majority of that time eating...well half, maybe a little less than half. Now he was being woken up by either Luca or the nurse coming in to check him and Luca. She meant well, making sure he wasn't hemorrhaging. His whole body ached. His bottom hurt so badly. His nipples were already so sore. He couldn't eat like that. Besides he had no time. They didn't give him credit. He'd been taking small naps.
He switched Luca to the other side, wincing as Luca latched. He was supposed to get used to this, but it was so uncomfortable. His nipples were so irritated. But Luca stared at him like he was the world. That was the only thing that made it bearable. Luca was the only reason he wasn't dead yet. He loved Luca and that kept him going. Luca loved him. Even if all Lovino had in this world was Luca, it'd still be worth it. A small smile danced on his lips as he played with his baby's hand.
"Do you want the food I got?" Antonio asked.
Loving shrugged. He didn't know, nor did he care. He wanted to be alone. He just...just...just needed to be without the pressure. Feli sitting next to him, weak and tired, broke his heart. He should be at home, not minutes away from another dose. He kissed his cheek as he left the room. Antonio was a mess and his family was dying to come see Luca. He just wanted everything to stop. He did want to look up from Luca. Luca was it and maybe Luca was too innocent for the world.
Loving struggled to eat. He didn't want to, but Antonio was making sure he ate. He felt like he was being forced. He'd agreed to the pain medication with Antonio's insistence. He didn't feel better. There wasn't pain, sure, and the food was satisfying to aching in his stomach, but he felt worse. He wanted Luca. He needed Luca. Seeing Antonio holding him…
"My family wants to come up. I told them it was alright. They'll be quiet. I said you needed to sleep."
Antonio smiled at Lovino. How could he do that? How dare he take his eyes off of Luca. He needed Luca. He wanted him back. It wasn't fair that he'd been born. He should have stayed in him forever. At least he was safe there. Nobody could hurt him or ignore him. Why was Antonio ignoring him?
"Give me Luca," Lovino tried to snap. It came out with a whimper.
"You need to eat. You've only had a few bites…"
"I don't want to eat!" Lovino shouted, throwing the food. "I can't. I'm sick of you trying to force me to do things and I want my baby and I want to be alone and hate this. I want to go home. I want this to be over. I want this to have never happened."
Tears poured down his cheeks. He hugged himself and sobbed. He just wanted Luca. He glanced at the food. Antonio had tried so hard to bring him food and now it was scattered on the bed. God, what was wrong with him.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Lovino repeated.
"Shhhh," Antonio hugged him. He loved the way it felt to be in his arms, take in the smell of vanilla and faint cigarettes. He'd grown to find comfort in that scent. "What you're feeling is normal. You're exhausted. You just had a baby! You did so well. I'm so proud of you. Now your hormones are going crazy. You're going to feel and think things that will scare you or make you feel badly. It's okay. It gets better. You've gone through so much at once. You're not sure if it's real. It's okay. I know you're hurting. You just need to take care of yourself. Please eat, Lovi…"
"Why did it happen?" Lovino whispered, wiping his face with a hand. "My body isn't supposed to do this. Twenty years I never knew. Maybe I would have never known. I hate this. It feels wrong. This does that feel like my body, Tonio. My body doesn't stretch and grow a human. My body doesn't push one out. My body wouldn't make milk. Why me, Toni? Why did this happen? I was doing do well in school. I was closer than ever to my dad. Feli was okay. I met you and I had my first kiss and I had sex and I loved it. Twenty weeks of amazing sex and the relief of finally letting everything out that I'd pent up. And I got pregnant. I wasn't supposed to. Why?" Lovino sobbed.
"Shhh, Lovi, sweetheart...I know it's hard to understand. I know how hard this has been. I know you have these thoughts from time to time. It's normal. You have Luca." Antonio smiled.
"I know. I love him," Lovino smiled through his tears. "I love him so much."
"I know." Antonio held him a little tighter. "You're going to be the best mom, sorry, papa ever." He planted a soft kiss on his lips.
"Can I have the food back?"
"Of course."
Lovino thanked Antonio as he ate. He felt embarrassed that he'd broken down like that. He'd really accepted it a while ago. Sure things were different now. He wasn't pregnant, rather he had just given birth. He was bleeding and cramping and this was supposed to go on for about six weeks. He was nursing Luca as well. New aspects of his being intersex were coming out and he was having to adjust. He would. He was sure of it. It would just take time. He was so thankful for Antonio being so supportive. He could have left. He could have ignored him, but he didn't. He'd see the breakdowns just as Feli had.
The door opened and a slew of people walked into the small room. Antonio hugged them with a smile. The room was full of Spanish. So this was Antonio's family. He'd finally get to meet them. They hadn't looked at him since they came in the room. Lovino watched them carefully as he ate. They were passing around Luca, cooing over how cute he was. Lovino kept one eye on his baby. He was not about to let him get hurt.
"Where's mama?" A tall girl with sandy blonde hair asked.
"Oh...um…" Antonio rubbed the back of his head nervously. "It's Papa actually."
"What?"
The whole group turned toward him. Six surprised faces and Antonio's nervous, apologetic one. They glanced back at Antonio then at Lovino. He could see their confusion. It wasn't as though they were trying to hide it after all. Lovino's eyes instantly went to Luca. If they were distracted by him, what would happen to Luca?
"H-hi," Lovino lifted a hand. "I'm Lovino."
"Seriously Antonio? Seriously?" a man with wire glasses and greying brown hair Lovino assumed was Antonio's father. "You have a child like this and don't tell us?"
"How?" the sandy brown asked with a look of disgust.
"Lovino's intersex. He can have children. We didn't know when we...ya know." Antonio let out a nervous laugh.
"I think someone is lying," he eyes fell on Lovino.
"It's not a joke, Maria. You can look at the little pad he has. It was so scary. His doctor specializes in this stuff. This is Lovino, my boyfriend, the mother of our child." Antonio glanced at Lovino for approval.
"Hm…" Maria glanced at a man who looked similar to their father, though a little younger.
"It's very nice to meet you, Lovino," a woman with dark black hair and green eyes. She sat next to him while the family talked to Antonio. She brought him Luca. "Here's your baby. I saw how you were watching him like a hawk."
"Thank you…" Lovino mumbled.
"How are you feeling?" she asked.
"I'm okay," Lovino responded.
"You had a baby a little over twelve hours ago. You're not okay." She winked with a knowing smile. "I'm Antonio's mom."
Lovino chewed his lip, fighting back his tears. Nobody had ever said that. He could tell the truth. Antonio, Feli, they didn't understand. They'd never had a child. They didn't, couldn't, understand what it was like. They didn't understand pregnancy. They never understood that while part of him hated the experience, the aches and pains and weird hormones, he loved it in general. He loved feeling Luca and having him close. You could do them both at the same time. They didn't understand. He finally had someone who understood.
"I feel like shit," Lovino whispered with a laugh. It was so freeing. "Everything hurts. I'm exhausted. I'm emotionally spent. I don't know…"
"I do not miss those days," she frowned. "It's not pleasant."
"When he was crowning, I felt like I was going to split in half," Lovino whispered. "This wasn't supposed to happen. I was in college. Pre-med, double majoring in biochemistry and biology with a minor in chemistry. I had a 4.0 GPA. I was on a full ride scholarship at Rutgers in New Brunswick. I had a year and a half left before medical school." Lovino took a deep breath to keep from crying.
"Antonio told me about the smart guy he was seeing. He really found that to be interesting. He loves it." she smiled.
"I received medical school acceptance letters in the middle of my pregnancy. I had dropped out and my roommate was trying to get my mail to me. I got multiple offers, scholarships. And then I get the retraction letters because they found out I dropped out. I promised my mom. This wasn't supposed to happen. I'm not supposed to be gay or intersex. I'm just supposed to be in school." Lovino wiped the tears away.
"Just because you had a baby doesn't mean you can't do those things, Lovino. Antonio tells me you're the smartest person he's met and if you're as smart as he is, you'll be able to do both," she smiled taking his hand. "And don't you worry aI bout child care because you just call me up and I'll come help you. That offer stands even if my son isn't all in. I see how you seem worried about that. I have gone through that too. But I am, okay? You're going to do wonderful things with your life. This is just a detour. You don't have to give up on your dreams."
"I don't know if I can." Lovino stared at his sleeping child. He was so peaceful, so relaxed in his arms. Luca trusted him, relied on him. "But I have to try...for Luca."
The woman smiled at him softly and rubbed back his hair. Lovino watched her quietly. Her touch was like his mother's. Just the way she spoke and her attitude. It was so comforting, but it made him long for his mother more. He wished she could be there.
"Why isn't your mom able to make it? After all her little baby boy had a baby. That's big news. And you're a parent now. You'll understand why I called you her little baby boy. We never see our children as anything less."
"My mom passed away on the Christmas before I turned eight," Lovino whispered. "I'm twenty-one and I miss her more and more every day. I wanted her so much during all of this. I needed her and I need her now and she's not here and it hurts..." Tears streamed down his face.
"Oh dear," she frowned. "I couldn't imagine. I'm so sorry." She squeezed his hand. "I know I'm far from the lady your mother was, but I know you have questions and needs that a mother provides. You're family now, like it or not. I'm here for you. One hundred percent."
Lovino stared at her. She had a kind face. He could see the lines of age throughout it, but it didn't make her look older. No, it made her look kinder. Her golden skin contrasted with her dark brown hair, which she wore in loose curls. Green eyes searching him. He had just barely met her and yet he loved her and felt the need to spill his guts.
"Okay," he whispered. "I'm going to need a lot because the only family I have left is my baby brother and he's sick. He's getting chemo right now, but he'll come back in a couple hours. My father and I don't speak."
"Well," she put an arm around him. "welcome to the family. I'm sorry about your brother."
"Yeah...he, he's in remission. Just doing maintenance chemo."
"I'm sorry. I would like to help." She smiled.
"I'd like that." For the first time in a long time, Lovino didn't feel so lost.
There you have it! LUCA!
Please review. I really hope you enjoyed this chatper!
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