You have no idea how much your reviews are loved. Thank you!
"Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes, but it's the only thing that I know. When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes, it is the only thing that makes us feel alive."
Michelle lay in the hospital bed, sore, aching and alone. She knew Carla would be sitting outside, tapping her feet, drumming her fingers, desperate to go inside and see her. But Michelle wouldn't let her, she couldn't face her.
She felt horrendous. And not simply in a physical way. Why had she done it? Why did she do any of it? The world around her now felt dark and sinister. Maybe everything she had faced in her 37 years of life had made her hard. She'd read a quote once, it had stuck with her forever. It had been her favourite. "Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness." Today, she had betrayed all of those. She had become hard, bitter and full of hate. Mostly full of hate for herself. A deep darkness filled her life and covered her in demons and pain.
She hadn't told her.
As Michelle lay wallowing in self pity, Carla sat outside believing she had killed her best friends baby.
She didn't know about the abortion. She hadn't told her.
Her fiance sat at home with no idea what was happening and her best friend was just outside, thinking she had accidentally comitted the most heart breaking act.
And Michelle wasn't going to tell either of them.
How could she? If she had told Carla about the baby before the abortion, she would have told her to keep it. To make it work, to not get rid of the best thing that could ever happen to her. She'd tell her to man up, face her mistakes and let Steve be a dad again. Just because she had slept witb Rob once, wouldnt mean it had to be his. Except Michelle knew Steve couldn't be a dad again, and so would he. They hadn't been intimate in a long while what with Steve fighting his own battles. The baby had been Rob's. And she killed it and she could never get that back.
She couldn't tell them. The only way she could salvage anything from the mess she had made would be to let Carla believe she had miscarried. Tell her she couldn't tell Steve, because it would destroy him. She had to do it. Carla would do the same... Wouldn't she?
Michelle squeezed her eyes shut and tried not to imagine the pain Carla would be feeling now. The heartache and anger at herself. Imagine believing you killed your closest friends baby, even accidentally. Imagine. It would haunt you for the rest of your days. Michelle hoped Carla would be strong, move on, concentrate on her own baby. God, Michelle hoped everything would be okay again. But then, she couldn't help but think nothing would ever be okay. Nothing would ever be normal, it would never be right.
Carla's whole weight was leaning against Peter as they sat in the two hospital chairs outside Michelle's room. She let him comfort her because honestly, she didn't know how she would get through this without him. Michelle had sent her away, made her leave, said she needed space. How could she leave her? Every time she closed her eyes all she could see was Michelle laying unconcious across the floor of her flat.
Would that image ever leave? Would she ever be okay again? Carla didn't think so. She felt like her whole life had just gone up in smoke around her. All of it, a mess. She looked at Peter and realised, it didn't matter how much he reassured her, it didn't matter that he told her he loved her so many times a day. None of that mattered, because none of it was certain anymore. He could leave her, he could walk away and Carla would crumble all over again. But this time, she didn't know if she'd pick herself back up.
As though aware of her inner turmoil, Peter pulled her closer and kissed her head. He knew this was the last thing she needed, when she was just picking herself back up again. Looking after her baby inside of her and building her life up again. "I love you, Carla Barlow. We'll get through this. I promise." He kissed her head again and at least for now, she believed him.
A while later, they had to leave the hospital, much to Carla's annoyance and anger. The staff had told her Michelle refused to see her and that they were no longer allowed To wait. All Carla could do was shout and throw harsh words at the nurse who had no influence on the situation. Michelle hated her. She hated herself too. She had no idea why Michelle was really keeping her at arms length. Maybe it was better that way.
Carla leaned on Peter as they climbed out of the taxi and walked along the street, letting him be her strength. "Listen love, I need to check on si' at our dad's quick. Will you be alright waiting at the flat? I'll be five minutes." She held his hand and leaned her head on his shoulder, "Can I come with you? Don't fancy being alone. Besides I could use a distraction."
Peter smiled lovingly and nodded, kissing her hair, "Course sweetheart. Come on, we won't stay long." Proudly he led her over to his parents. As much as he hated the current situation, he loved how she was in public with him again. Loving and needy, almost clingy. In a good way though and Peter adored it. He loved being her husband.
Ken welcomed them both in and ushered them into the front room warmly. "Can I get you both a drink?" Carla nodded thankfully, desperate to rid the taste of the awful drinks she'd had at the hospital. "I'll have a brew please Ken, if you're offering."
Peter nodded, "I'll have the same please Dad." He put his hand on the small of Carla's back as Ken headed into the kitchen and led her to the sofa, "Come on you, sit down. All this stress isn't good for you or the baby."
"Baby?!" Deirdre appeared from the hallway and Carla tutted, tapping Peter on the arm, "Peter you idiot!"
Simon frowned in confusion and he followed Deirdre through, and Ken stood in the door way of the kitchen, watching both Carla and Peter.
"How long have you known?! Is everything okay? When's it due? Do you know the sex, oh my god I need to start knitting!" Deirdre wheeled off a list of questions and her eyes grinned, "I'm going to be a grandma again!"
Carla couldn't help but smile. At least something was bringing joy at last. Ken walked over and hugged his son and then Carla, "That's great news you two. We're very happy for you both." Carla knew he wasn't lying. She knew Ken quite well now and he never was good at lying to her.
Carla let Peter do the talking, letting him fill them in on all the details. She looked up to see Simon standing by the door and gestured for him to come and sit beside her. To her surprise, he did.
"Hey Si'. You're not angry are ya?"
Simon shrugged and looked up at her, shaking his head. He didn't say anything and neither did Carla. If it wasn't for Deirdre's excited chatter to Ken and Peter, the room would have been filled with silence.
"Have you got a picture?"
Carla bit her lip with a nod. She was glad for the distraction from her current mess but also terrified. She needed Simon's acceptance and approval. She couldn't deal with anymore rejections. Reaching into her bag she grabbed a scan picture and handed it to him.
"You can keep that if you like. We have a couple..." Carla handed Peter one for Ken and Deirdre and then watched Simon examining the photo. She didn't even realise she was holding her breathe.
"That's dead weird. It's like an alien in your belly!"
Carla laughed. She couldn't help it, the relief just tumbled from her lips and for a brief seconds, when her eyes met Peter's and the grin on his face matched hers, she was truly happy without a care in the world.
If only it could stay that way.
