Author's note: Fucking. Finally.
So. The most incredible thing happened a couple weeks ago. A fan of this fic added me on Skype about a month prior, and we'd been talking, and then he just kind of confessed his love to me (haha wow that sounds really cliché and not at all like what really happened but okay) after I mentioned in passing that I may or may not have had a small (giant) crush on him that I didn't plan on pursuing for his sake, respectful of his sexuality. But then he did and I think I'm dead because oh my god he's such a sweetheart. He's super badass and cute and he makes me laugh and there's no freakin' way this is really happening. He rarely swears, instead he says stuff like "ship" and "fudge," and he calls me gorgeous, of all things, and he's willing to waste his phone minutes on stupid conversations late at night about artificial flavors and god knows what, and I could extol his virtues for pages, but I won't, for you guy's sake. Not to mention, this is the second time a crush of mine has panned out. I feel powerful. But also a bit overwhelmed, because holy shit, I practically changed this kid's sexuality. Or, at the very least, I'm the exception, and that's a hell of a lot of responsibility. Regardless, I am rapidly falling in love. I got a boyfriend out of this deal, this fic has outlived its usefulness, see ya!
I'm kidding, of course. I've also started a new fic. I know I said I'd move on to the other HS fic I started next, but this thing fucking started writing itself in my head at like two AM one night and I just sat up like, "Shit. I fucking have to write this down, don't I? Fuck me." Plus the premise of the other one is so cliché and I'm literally the worst kind of Mary Sue, so I'm not really sure I wanna finish (start?) it. So it's a Mavin fic (Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter fandom), Anarchic Attraction on AO3 (is there an RT/AH fandom on FF? I know there's an RvB one, but that's not what I'm looking for, and I'd rather not put it in miscellaneous if I don't have to). It's an anarchist dystopia!AU, and I'm really proud of it already.
Once again, this chapter's infinitely late. At least it's long! All I can say is, life happened. I made the mistake of planning to get it done on Mother's Day, I've recently started getting into speedrunning Jak 3, I went to see my cousin one weekend again, I'm trying to force my parents into getting their shit together and taking me to the DMV so I can get my license, and school consistently sucks anus. That aside, we're nearing the end with each new chapter and I'm just getting more and more psyched about it. I already have the last chapter about half written. Can't wait to get there. Logic would follow that I'd find more time to write, but life is merciless and free time plus motivation is harder to come by than ever. Until then, Chapter Twenty-Eight loves!
Sollux was quieter around me for the next month or so. Not to the extent he'd been the week I began cutting, though reminiscent of it enough to thoroughly freak me out. Which I honestly had no right to be. I was the one who had pushed him away. He simply seemed cautious, if anything. Which he honestly had every right to be. I was the one who'd fucked up. Again.
We chatted about superficial things during meals, things that, though somewhat important, were more likely than not things we wouldn't normally talk about. How his classes were going, for one. How wath' work? another. Stupid, school-friends conversations. I couldn't help but wish he'd just cut the shit and talk to me like he used to, 'cause, to be blunt, I really missed my boyfriend.
It didn't help that I wasn't making much of an effort to fix things either. I'd lay in bed on my off days — Sollux had found the time to remove the top bunk one day while I was at work — and not do anything, thinking about how much time I had left to lie down and do nothing before I had to interact with Sollux again and psyching myself up to actually get up and pass for what had become "normal." I knew that if I didn't do that, I wouldn't so much as respond when he called me out for meals, let alone move.
On the days I did have work, it be an extra hour, give or take, before I was ready to go, and I put out a mediocre effort at best once there. Word at the water-cooler was that the manager wasn't pleased, and I was almost considering applying for other jobs. Part of me wanted to, but there was the constant, nagging feeling that I wouldn't get a new job anyway when I couldn't even keep the one I had. The funds were still coming in, in any case, but now another worry on my fear-riddled mind was where they'd come from when I got fired. Not if. When. And telling Sollux, wow, that wasn't a conversation I wanted to have. Either he'd scream or I'd scream — worst case scenario, we'd both scream — and who knows where that could lead.
Apparently, I was about to find out.
I expected him to cross to the bathroom like he usually did and leave without a word when he walked in Sunday. Holy shit was I wrong. A weight on the end of the bed had me wondering if it was worth wasting the energy to look up and see who I knew was the cause of it. "Can I talk to you for a minute, KK?" I mhm-ed in tenuous approval and cleared my throat at how scratchy it sounded. "Okay. Can you th'it up th'o I don't feel like I'm talking to a blanket?" You do that anyway, I thought, trying to convince my muscles to follow his instructions and succeeding after a few seconds.
"Okay. Um. Th'o, I'm juth't gonna talk for a bit and you can talk after, okay? I juth't. I wanna make sure I th'ay everything and don't forget th'tuff." I nodded, pulling the blanket up even more around my shoulders. "Alright." He took a deep breath, looking anywhere but at me as he spoke. "I'm worried about you, KK. Obviouth'ly with good reath'on, but worried all the th'ame, and I don't know what the fuck I'm meant to do. I've been trying to give you your th'path'e but enough ith' enough and I want to know what'th' going on. No matter what you do, or what you th'ay, you're th'till the moth't important thing in my life and it killth' me to think that you're not talking to me becauth'e of th'omething I did or th'aid, th'o pleath'e tell me what'th' wrong and I'll at leath't try to make it better. There'th' only th'o much I can do before you have to th'tart doing th'omething for yourth'elf, and that th'tartth' with you doing th'omething other than th'itting in here alone."
It wasn't until he finished that he was able to turn his gaze my way. "I want you to be happy, KK. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you don't th'eem very happy. Why not? What can I do to help you?"
I couldn't look him in the eye. It was different for me. All he had to do was ask. I was the one who had to come up with the answers, had to figure out how to explain that I didn't want to move or talk or breathe without sounding like I was telling him I didn't want to be alive anymore. Whether I did or not, that was beside the point. He didn't necessarily need to know that, now did he? When I opened my mouth to reply, nothing of value came out. A stifled sigh. A discordant note that might have been the beginning to an explanation as to why I couldn't answer him. Any amalgamation of words could have come out, making at least the slightest sense, but none did, and I was left shaking my head with no verbal reply, wincing at the expected yelling to ensue. It never came.
"O-Oh," he muttered, disappointment tainting the encouraging smile that rose on his face. "Okay. Will you talk to me though? It'th' okay that you don't wanna talk right now, but will you talk to me at th'ome point?" I shrugged and tilted my head to the side, glancing away instinctively before forcing myself to look back at him. It was all I wanted to shrink into the blanket. Sollux seemed to find my answer acceptable, however, and forced an even wider smile as he scooted up on the bed, pressing a kiss to my forehead before standing up and leaving the room. The door shut resolutely behind him.
Astonishingly, I'd not yet been fired two and a half weeks later, and less surprisingly, I had yet to break out of my depression. Sollux had tried twice more to get me to talk to him, and both times I had nothing to say beyond the occasional grunt allowing him to continue. It sucked knowing I was hurting him by not talking, but being selfish seemed to be the only thing I was good at, and my mind hated me just enough to keep me from being okay again. Another thing that sucked was Sollux opening the door just enough to stick his head in and ask if I wanted to have Thanksgiving with our parents tomorrow, or if he should make some kind of excuse. That was pathetic in its own right, but there was also the fact that he had to ask.
Since the we'd discovered we were neighbors, all the way back in sixth grade — nearly ten years ago, holy shit had it really been that long? — Sollux's and my family came together and had Thanksgiving dinner together, complete with twenty-five pound Turkey, insane aunts and uncles, cousins of all ages, and widowed, married, and divorced grandparents alike. Robert and his wife and mother were usually there, too. More of Sollux's family was present than mine due to my parents having left a majority of our older family members in Florida, and they excused their presence by saying they were too frail to travel. I got the feeling that nobody really minded, because twenty some-odd combined friends and family members was plenty, thank you.
It was enough in and of itself that my boyfriend was willing to make excuses for how selfish and stupid I was being, but for Sollux to ask if it was something I felt up for doing struck a chord with me, my conscience telling me that what I was doing wasn't okay and I needed to suck it up and stop feeling so sorry for myself, because clearly, my boyfriend, my family, my friends, they all still wanted me around, so I must be worth something. Of course, there was the louder voice of "reason" telling me that I was too stupid to be able to function like a normal person, that I should be dead in some ditch or roadkill for someone else to clean up because all I was good for was being in the way, telling me that nobody really wanted me around and their asking was simply courtesy. Sollux's constant attempts at trying to get me to talk to him, really talk to him and stop the fake conversations and obvious topic changes whenever things got too serious at the dinner table, were helping quiet those thoughts, and it was all I could do to hope that he wouldn't give up, because I knew I couldn't do this by myself. I'd already given up. Now it was up to him to have the strength to pull me away from the edge.
But he was right, regardless. There was only so much he could do before I had to start doing something for myself. So I told him yes, I wanted to go, and began mentally preparing myself for the next day, trying to figure out what it would take to appear okay. It only took the few seconds between a smile breaking out on Sollux's face and the door closing as he began to speak into the phone receiver again to realize that nobody, sans my dad, knew we were dating. Something told me Thanksgiving this year would certainly be interesting.
My nerves were undeniably shot by the end of the short drive from our house to our destination. Since our parents were directly neighbors, not to mention both they and their kids were close friends, they'd long since removed the fence between their houses and connected their backyards, which allowed for a very long table during family holidays. And, of course, our house was solidly decked out in Thanksgiving decorations, no doubt my mom's doing. I had no trouble imagining my dad grumbling to himself in the antiquated armchair in the living room while my mom whooshed around, pinning up paper turkeys and cheap "Happy Thanksgiving!" banners. She had the eccentric kind of personality that allowed for things like that.
Alnet Vantas, eccentricity included, was, in most if not all senses of the term, a hippie. While she settled down after getting married, I remember she used to tell me and my sister about her protests, peaceful, often loud things that could carry on for days. She lived with her parents in a sort of hippie camp, flower crowns and moccasins abound, and clothes were as optional as showers — about as stereotypical as you could get. Now, in her mid-fifties (a good few years older than my father), she was a small, mousy-haired woman who looked her age plus a few years, with a face that wore a near-constant frown, juxtaposing marvelously with her happy-go-lucky mindset. And though the corners of her mouth naturally turned down with age, she still held one of the brightest smiles I'd seen on anyone when she opened the door to greet Sollux and me about ten feet away from the house.
"Oh, Karkat, sweetie, it's so nice to see you! And Sollux, dear, I've missed you just as much. You never come visit me, either of you, and I just never know where you are anymore!" Her smile shone through in her voice as she gave us hugs.
"I know, Mom, you're right. I haven't seen you in forever," I replied, forcing a smile for her sake that very obviously reached neither my voice nor my eyes. Hence mine didn't meet hers, even as I glanced up to scan her face. She didn't seem to notice. "You're getting so old too, I almost wouldn't have recognized you."
"Oh, don't remind me," she muttered, taking the comment in her stride and shielding her eyes with her forearm in a dramatic fashion as she turned back into the house, a signal the two of us took to follow her. "Your father's always telling me I'm just as gorgeous as I was when we meet. Then he says I haven't aged a day and I just laugh." Sollux chuckled to my right, a half step behind me as my mom led us through the hall to the backyard. I glanced back and his smile, genuine for the only the second time I could think of recently, widened, a reaction that led me to realize I had a smile on my face as well. Leave it to my mom to get me to grin.
I'd almost reached back and grabbed Sollux's hand by the time we got outside, both because the hall was rather poorly lit and I wanted to make sure he stayed with me and because something in me wanted to feel normal again. Like that smile was just the beginning of whatever was gonna fix me. I kind of liked the idea of hope.
"Hey, Kolby, the kids are here!" A familiar voice rang above the general chatter and occasional screech as the younger kids played when we exited the house.
"About damn time, the turkey's almost done!" my dad hollered back.
"Yeah, 'cause you've been cooking it!"
"Well, they didn't need to know that, nice going, Rob. As much as the kid visits, I could have miraculously gained culinary skills, couldn't I?"
"How about y'all stop having y'all's conversation from across the yard and just go over there, why don't ya?!" An older male voice belonging to Sollux's uncle rose over Robert's reply, resulting in a round of laughter amongst those already seated, as well as the ones it was targeting and the three just entering the yard. To the right, my dad threw a football to one of Sollux's cousins and jogged over to us, bracing his hands on his knees and trying to catch his breath once he got here.
"Swear, those tykes find a new way to tire me out every year," he panted.
"It's called getting old, dear," my mom spliced in, smiling.
Dad shook his head and pulled me into a hug, still breathing heavily. "Nice to see you, kid." He extended a hand to Sollux when he pulled away, looking him pointedly in the eye as if to say, I know your secret now, and you had better be taking care of my son. "And you, Sollux. You're always just as welcome here."
"Alwayth' nith'e to be here, th'ir," he replied, shaking his hand firmly and almost glaring back as though to ensure him he was.
His jaw was set in a crooked grin, though his eyes never left Sollux. "Alnet, how many times have I told him to call me Kolby?"
The woman responded with her soft, musical laugh. "Too many to count. I think it's about time you gave up."
"Eh," he began, shrugging. "You know me: I never give—"
"Daddy! Daddy, come play with the kids, I wanna say hi to Karkitty!" Nepeta's voice came from where Dad had been before, and I looked over to see her bright red hair bouncing as she jumped in place. She looked so childish, full of laughter and life, just like she did every other year, and it was almost difficult to remember that there was anything wrong at all. It was slow, molasses memories that were anything but sweet, but all at once I remembered there was something wrong, there was everything wrong — I shouldn't have been there. Everyone was so happy and here I was intruding on it. They couldn't have really wanted me there.
"Tell Nep I'll be right back, I gotta use the bathroom first." Mom's eyebrows raised a fraction of an inch, but she agreed regardless and I immediately turned around and entered the dark house, navigating to the bathroom and locking the door.
It's just like me to fucking ruin everyone's good time, just fucking like me. What the shitting hell is my problem? I asked myself, rummaging through the drawers for something sharp, scissors, an old pocket knife that had no where better to be, hell I'd settle for a nail file. Of course I found nothing there and instead found myself glaring at the mirror, scratching viciously at my arm, trying to feel something, some sensation, emotion, pain, regret, anything but rage, anything but the taste of salt on my tongue and the knot in my throat. The hope from before felt lightyears away, unattainable, a wisp of a memory. All the knock on the door did was send me deeper into myself. I froze, my nails still dug into red-scratched skin and tears dripping aimlessly from my eyes, all the while knowing I had to do something to satisfy whoever was on the other side. Swallowing hard and clearing my throat, I said with as strong a voice I could muster, "Just a minute," hoping they'd return to the party and ask where another bathroom was.
"KK. Let me in." My face crumpled and I felt more pathetic than ever.
"No."
"Pleath'e?"
It wasn't until the door opened that I realized I was the one doing it. He took one glance at my reddened forearms before striding in, closing the door behind him. I stepped backwards to allow him room and immediately sat on the floor, back against the tub, knees tucked to my chest, and ignoring how the shag rug created an uncomfortable ridge between it and the linoleum. He calmly took a seat next to me, sitting in a similar fashion close enough that our arms brushed. I almost wanted to shy away from the contact.
"What'th' wrong?" There was none of the expected exasperation in his tone, none of the boredom I'd been waiting for. Only the same, deep-seated concern he'd had for weeks now. I shrugged. "No. I want an answer thith' time. I'm th'ick of being patient. Tell me what'th' bothering you. Pleath'e, KK. I don't like how nauseouth' I get when you th'ay you're going to the bathroom. Becauth'e th'ay what you will, in my ekth'perienth'e, you're lying."
That wasn't something I ever wanted to hear again, partially because of how blunt it was, but mostly because it was true. "I feel like I'm intruding," I muttered finally, starting attentively at the pattern of the fabric on my knees and picking at a loose string with one hand.
"Intruding on what?" Again where I had expected accusation and shock, there was only curiosity.
"Everyone. This whole... thing. Everyone seems so happy, and I'm just the rain cloud over their fucking sunshine. They're having a great time without me, the last thing anyone wants is some asshole intruding on everything, ruining an otherwise great fuckin' time and, and—" My voice caught in my throat and I could feel tears, liquid weakness, welling again in my eyes. "And I was wrong. I shouldn't have come here, I knew they were only asking 'cause that's what they always do, I should have let you go and enjoyed yourself and not taken me with you because I know nobody wants me around and I just wish everyone would realize I know and stop pretending."
He didn't say anything for a long time after that. Then— "Ith' that what you think? That everyone only ath'kth' to th'ee you becauth'e it'th' what'th' ekth'pected of uth'? That it'th' all juth't, like, courteth'y?" No indignation. Just confusion, like he was trying to piece it together in his mind.
"It is though. It's all some inside joke, everyone's sick of me, sick of pretending to like me. They were hoping I'd end up killing myself so they wouldn't have to—"
"Shut up," he snapped. There was the anger. I knew it was only a matter of time before he'd had enough trying to get me to believe a lie. Next he'd just stand up and leave. "Don't you ever th'ay that again. Nobody wantth' you to kill yourth'elf." ...What? "Anyone who th'ay'th' otherwith'e ith' a th'tupid pieth'e of shit who ith'n't worth lith'tening to in the firth't plath'e. You're th'uch an important person, KK. Th'o many people like you, th'o many people want you around. If telling you you're wrong ith' what it taketh' to get you to believe me, then you've never been more wrong. I love you, KK, I haven't told you that nearly enough lately. I love you th'o, tho much. Your family loveth' you, and your friendth', and you mean th'o much to everyone around you, I don't underth'tand how you could think for one th'econd you were unwanted."
"It's all a lie, Sollux!" I shot back, my voice louder than I would have liked it to be. I glanced at the frosted window to my left, hoping nobody had heard. "Nobody wants me. All I'm good at is fucking up. I don't want to believe it, I really don't, but I know better."
"Then don't!" he shot back. "If I didn't want you around, would I be th'pending thith' much time trying to convinth'e you otherwith'e? If I didn't care, would I be trying thith' hard?" He didn't give me a chance to answer before he continued. "Believe it or not, KK, and now I know you don't, but you should, 'cauth'e believe it or not, you're the only thing keeping th'ome people together. Eth'pecially me. I don't know what I'd do without you. Life doeth'n't th'eem ath' important without you in it. And if you're not here... who'th' gonna come pick me up from the th'ide of the highway?" There were the beginnings of a truly pitiful smile on his lips as he turned to me. "I need you, Karkat. Who elth'e ith' gonna get my th'upid ath' out of the trouble I get it in, literally the moth't ridiculous fucking thingth'? Who elth'e could I call with the dime I found on the ground that I could count on to pick me up?"
"Your parents" was the logical answer to his rhetorical question, but I hadn't thought logically about this whole ordeal since the beginning. Yet, whatever he'd said had set the cogs turning, and my mind was running a mile a minute, and, for once, everything started to make sense. Thoughts from weeks, months ago, insults I'd hurled at myself, excuses, they all swirled around in my head, creating a whirlwind I was having some trouble deciphering. Luckily, one clear, concise line of thought rose above the chaos. Why not? Why wouldn't people want me around? Sure, everyone's having fun, and now that I'm here, they're not enjoying themselves any less. They invited me. They really want me around. There's no fuckin' way that everyone's in on this stupid inside joke to just pretend to like me. How fucking ridiculous.
"How can you not th'ee how important you are?" I was so lost in my train of thought I was barely listening. "You're th'o—"
"This is stupid," I blurted. "I mean, this is really fucking stupid. What the hell is wrong with me?" Sollux remained silent during my outburst, and I remained dumbstruck at how ignorant I'd been. "What the fuck, Sollux. I'm an idiot."
"KK—" His concerned tone trailed off when he caught the grin on my face.
I turned my head to face him. "I'm so fucking dumb."
"KK, you're not dummmph—" I cut him off with a kiss.
The feeling of his lips was almost unfamiliar to me. My eyes widened as I pulled away. "Fuck. I'm sorry. I've been such a shit, especially to you. You're. You. Shit. You're fucking amazing. I love you, Sollux. Jesus. I'm so stupid."
He blinked a few times. "Uh. You're forgiven? I-I'm not sure what — a-are you okay? Er... okayer?"
"I'm fucking incredible. I'm amazing. I'm more okay than I've been in months. I'm the kind of fine where I say I'm fine and I mean it. Like. For good."
"That'th'... good? I'm a little, uh... unsure."
"Yeah, Sollux. It's good," I told him, smiling and loving the way it felt. "It's really good."
"Good. It'th' good. You're. You're okay. Shit, I can't... wrap my mind around thith'. Part of me wantth' to believe you're okay. Part of me can't."
"I am okay," I insisted, really meaning it. "I can't believe how stupid I've been. I'm really okay." Sollux didn't reply. We sat in silence for a moment until I reached over and grabbed his hand. He looked down at our hands and smiled.
"You're... you're okay. That'th'... fucking amazing." He shot me a toothy half-grin that grew even wider when I smiled back, and I took the opportunity to relearn his mouth. Until a knock fell on the door, anyway. My eyes shot open in concern and my cheeks flushed with guilt while Sollux calmly took control of the situation. "I'll be right out."
"Oh, Sollux? I thought Karkat was still in there." My mom's voice carried through the wooden door.
"No, I think he went back to the party."
"Well, alright then. I'll check out there. Thank you, dear."
"Of courth'e." He turned to me when the click of her heels was farther down the hall, a victorious smirk emerging on his face.
"Shut up," I snorted, slapping the back of his head. He laughed and proceeded to jam his tongue down my throat in a positively obscene way.
Hypothetically speaking, if I set up a donate button on my blog, would you guys donate to me? Your favoritest author ever? Of all time? I just wanna go to RTX xc And. You know. Be able to buy myself shampoo and clothes and all that shit that my parents are too goddamn lazy to buy me, and pay rent when I move out.
Also, The Suicide Machines. Specifically, New Girl. And, I found an 8-bit version of Hey! and it's fucking unbearable, 8-bit tracks are the absofuckinglute best, I wish they were easier to make because I'd have an 8-bit version of literally everything. Plus, there are two versions of The Real You, and they're both great, and there's a cover of REM's It's The End Of The World and I just — y'know what, just, The Suicide Machines. All of it. That said, I'm falling in love with a band that no longer exists. *cries softly* I blame THPS.
I got my driver's permit. That was a fucking nightmare with how useless my parents are. But I'm driving now. Yay. (Not as exciting as I thought it would be.)
Final thing, the Sims for a lot of these characters are linked in my Thigns & Sutff page on my tumblr, achievement-tooths. This is what I do in my spare time. Make Sims of characters from a gay fanfiction. 'S all good though. And Kolby, Kolby is so fucking perfect, it hurts. So's teen Alnet, I can't take it.
Shoot me a review if it's not too much trouble, and I apologize for the extreme length of this AN. They'll get smaller once I start maintaining some kind of update schedule (ha) and have less to report.
