A/N: Okay, I'm missing James; it's time for him to come home and catch up to the drama going on for Miss Evans. :) This is a fairly awkward and super long chapter so I hope you enjoy it! I know that Lily doesn't enjoy what was going on – you'll just have to see why. Lol. And don't forget to review. :P
Lily
January 23rd
Dear Diary,
James came back about an hour before breakfast this morning, and quite honestly, I don't know what I was thinking – having him here is horrible, and I wish he would leave again.
He entered school through the front doors to tumultuous applause; of course, he put his arm up in the air, lazily acknowledging the pleasure from his many fans, and walked up to Gryffindor Tower to pack away his things from the middle of a huge throng of people. Leila was one of those numerous admirers that began to bombard him with questions about where he had been, but I wasn't – I went to my own dormitory and did my work through breakfast; not only was I not hungry, I didn't want to see James.
When it came time for class, I went a little early, only to find James already there, lounging around on the desks with his friends. They looked up at me the moment I entered the room, but James grinned widely at me.
"Hey Evans," he said. He looked me up and down for some reason, and then told me, "I'm back."
"Is that supposed to thrill me?" I asked sarcastically.
"It thrills me," said Sirius. "Now I don't have to be the message-relay person."
"Oh, stop whining," I snapped. "I only asked you to relay one message for me."
"Speaking of which, when will I get an explanation on recent events?" James inquired. "I haven't forgotten, you know."
"I didn't expect you to," I said. "But I'll explain during lunch – you should be honored, because that's usually my study time."
"Sure," he said. "I'll flag you down at the Gryffindor table and we'll chat."
"I'm not eating lunch today," I said. "And if you want your explanation, neither are you; you're going to meet me in the common room where it is more private, and we'll talk there."
"So you're trying to try to starve my best friend?" Sirius asked fiercely.
"No, Black," I said. "I'm sure he went to the Ice Cream Parlor in Diagon Alley and gorged himself stupid – ahem, stupider than usual – so missing one meal won't kill nor starve him. If anything, it'll help his stomach get more accustomed to digesting real food again."
"I think she's psychic," Peter whispered in James's ear.
"She's also got ears, so you might as well say that aloud – I'll hear it either way," I said. Being nasty certainly helped; I could siphon all my frustration out and put it on them instead.
"Lily, please," Remus said, catching on to this method of self-preservation. "Can you please be a little more polite?"
"Yeah, Lily," Sirius goaded me, laughing.
I waved my wand once, and Sirius's pants fell, revealing his navy blue boxer shorts. He pulled them up nonchalantly, but then I waved my wand again; this time, his underwear reached up from under his boxers and gave him an enormous wedgie. Peter and James burst out laughing, but Remus did not. He waved his wand and put Sirius's underwear right (revealing him swearing away at me); then he gave me a meaningful look that made my viciousness melt right away.
"Sorry," I said resignedly.
"Bitch," Sirius said.
James pulled his wand out threateningly. "Take that back."
Sirius rolled his eyes and went to his seat, unwilling to stay near me. Remus went with him after giving me one more look and Peter made a face at me before going to his friends. James stayed in his spot though, and asked, "Will you sit with me?"
"No," I said. "I'm going to sit with Leila."
"What about Kyleigh?"
"Haven't you heard? We're not friends," I informed him. "And it's your bloody fault, by the way."
"My fault?" His eyes narrowed. "How can that be my fault?"
"You left," I said. "Kyleigh thought it was me who forced you to leave, we fought, and now she thinks I'm some sort of bitch, like Sirius does. I think that's where she gets the over-usage of that word."
James looked confused. "So you lost your best friend because I left Hogwarts for a week? Merlin, where has this place gone to?"
I shrugged. "Either way, she and I aren't friends. Now are we set for lunch?" I said, trying to hide all the hurt that was still in me after my fight with Kyleigh.
"Yeah, of course," he said. "I'm always set for time with you, Lil."
"Damn you," was all I said as I stomped off to the back of the room to sit in my usual seat. I put my head down and tried to take a deep breath, but it was difficult; I was overwhelmed with emotions. First, I was somehow happy to see James back – don't ask why – but I was also annoyed at Sirius, frustrated about Remus, indifferent to Peter, sorry to see James while still being pleased about it, guilty about Kyleigh, and simply confused about how all of those could fit together. Now James was probably furious because of what I had said, but it didn't matter; I didn't care. I hated him. I liked it better when he was away in London when he couldn't befuddle me like he did when he was near me.
Leila bounced into the classroom then, shattering my muddled thought process, and took her seat next to me. "Hey Lils!"
"I'm screwed up," I moaned when I lifted my head up for a moment. "Really screwed up."
"Aww, what happened?" she asked.
I told her the dialogue that had been exchanged between me, James, and Sirius, and Leila groaned, both aggravated and amused.
"Lil, I will never understand you," she said. "Come on, he'll forgive you. Get your head up and let's try to get through class, shall we?"
I knew that she was more irritated with my negativity and response to James's return than she let on, but she said nothing, for which I was very grateful. We did get through the class and the classes after it as well, but it was kind of tricky, seeing as Leila was trying to make me apologize to James.
"It's rude to say that and not express regret, Lily," she kept saying.
"It's also rude to literally stalk me for five years, leave one fine day, make me lose my best friend, and then bother me the moment he gets back," I pointed out when she said that. "I'm not going to say sorry. And, if I'm really lucky, he will be so annoyed with me that he won't come to the common room during lunch."
"Not going to happen," Leila said. "He's missed you – I'm positive that you had taken a second to take a good look at him, you would have seen it."
"I would have thrown up again," I said.
Leila rolled her eyes. "Oh please, Lily; you are so mean to him!"
"Some people just deserve it, Leils," I said matter-of-factly. "James is one of them. Sirius, I would say, is the other. Remus is too sweet, and Peter is too quiet. And stupid."
Leila sighed. "I really wish you'd give James a chance. I mean, Sirius is an arse, which we've always known, but James isn't. While he and Sirius seem like twins at first glance, they're not once you look deeper. Sirius is shallow and flirty, while James is…I don't know, so adorable and deep. You would love him if you knew him completely."
"Well, thankfully, I don't, so I'm still allowed to hate him," I dismissed. The bell rang then, and I swore. "Damn, it's time for that stupid thing with Potter. I'll see you later; come up to the common room and find me, all right? I'll be up there, and if things go well, you're going to see him hanging upside down from the chandelier."
"Let's hope things go horribly then," Leila said with a twinkle in her eye. "See you later, Lils." She waved to me and left to go to lunch; I, on the other hand, tried to prepare myself to go up to talk to James. I went to the couch in the common room, and I sat there, waiting. It didn't take long for James to bounce right in from the portrait hole and locate me.
"Hey!" he said cheerfully, my rudeness earlier apparently forgotten.
"Hi," I said grudgingly.
"Nice to see you," he said with a grin, taking a seat in front of me. "I've missed you – so much."
"Yeah, I'm sure you did," I said.
"But I want to know what's been going on while I was gone," said James. "Can you fill me in?"
"I daresay your friends have already done that," I said.
"They have, but I'd like to hear about you." James smiled again. "I'm all ears – share away."
"Kyleigh and I fought, I had a huge variety of mood swings, and I managed to, as Sirius would say, upchuck my lunch a few days ago," I recounted. "Other than that, nothing much." I purposely left out my fateful conversation with Remus though; James did not need to know about that.
"I see," said James. "Have you made up with Kyleigh?"
"No, and I don't plan to any time soon," I said, hoping I sounded casual despite my stomach flip-flopping madly. Then I realized something strange – it might not have been the thought of Kyleigh that caused the reaction.
"Aww, why not?" His hazel eyes were imploring; why was I melting before it? This had never happened before. "You're best friends."
"That's what I thought too, but it's not important – not to you anyway." I tried to shake myself mentally; what was wrong?! Why were his eyes suddenly so beautiful?! Why was I melting?! It was craziness!!!
"It is important to me," said James, somehow casual during my abrupt mental dilemma. "Would you like to tell me about it?"
"No," I said shortly, trying to regain control over myself. "Is there anything else I need to explain for you?"
"Yeah, there is," James said. "I just want to know what are with these swings in mood; you've never been that way before."
"Oh, I'm just being pathetic," I admitted. "Leave me alone."
"Tell me," James insisted. "I want to know."
"Trust me – you don't," I told him.
"If it has to do with you, I certainly do," he assured me. "Tell me."
"It's just…there are a lot of things on my mind right now, and I'm trying to balance them all, but it's not going too well," I confessed. "I'm being a bitch – Sirius is kind of right that way – and I just need to be alone so that I can get myself together again."
James looked at me thoughtfully. "I see. Well, is there anything I can do?"
"You can stop questioning me and do what I said before – leave me alone, and go away," I suggested.
He grinned. "Lily, when are you going to understand that no matter how badly-behaved you are, I'm going to love you anyway? When will you open your eyes and see I'm right here, waiting for you? When will you realize that there are some things you can't do alone – that there are some things you need someone's help for?"
I swallowed, trying to formulate coherent answers. When I got them, I said, "For your first question, I am never going to understand that you're going to love me because most of the time, when a girl is being horrible, the guy doesn't love her anymore. When will I open my eyes and see that you're waiting? Um, never. I don't want you to wait for me. I'm not coming for you – sorry. When will I realize that there are some things I can't do alone? I've already got things mostly under control, so I won't need to realize that."
James nodded. "I'm going to love you no matter what. You need to comprehend that, Miss Evans, because it's not going to change. I'm still going to wait, because I know that you and I are going to be together somehow, and I'm still going to implore that you please tell me what's going on so that I can get you all the way in control."
His offer was tempting, I am sorry to report. I wanted to get over things. I wanted to move on. I wanted to rebuild, to cleanse. But in a jolt, I remembered that this was James Potter – the same James Potter that had proved to have not a serious bone in his body for years. This boy was the one that made my life miserable. This boy was the reason the person I really loved couldn't be with me. This boy was the cause of everything that had ever gone wrong – my friendship with Kyleigh had only gone awry because we had argued our opinions over him. I could not, after all that he'd done to me, accept his help. That was why I shook my head and said, "No, James. I'm not going to let you ruin me again."
"Ruin you?" He wrinkled his nose. I noticed that this was a trait among all four Marauders – they always wrinkled their noses when they were confused. "Lily, why would I ruin you?"
"You've driven me crazy for years," I said. "You're the reason I can't look a boy in the eye and say, 'I love you.' You're the reason boys are scared to talk to me – they think that you'll punish them for hitting on me, when they weren't."
"Lils, I'm sorry," he said, his voice throbbing with sincerity. "I really am. But I'm different this year."
"Then why did Severus Snape end up with insects in his pants a few weeks ago?" I asked. When he didn't have an answer, I continued, "See? You're exactly the same, and I'm still not interested. I'm sorry."
"You're not," he said. "But it's all right."
"I am," I told him. "I want to believe you, but I know I can't." I wanted to kick myself; why had I said that?!
James shrugged. "I'm used to it by now. But I guess there's nothing really left to say – do you want to get some lunch?"
"No," I said. "Like I said, this is my study time."
"You're not eating lunch?" This fact seemed to bother him more than it should.
"No," I said again. "I almost never do. Why?"
"That's so unhealthy! No wonder you're looking so skinny!" He grabbed my wrist. "Come downstairs – you have to eat."
I held my ground. "The last time I ate, I threw up. I'm not going through the humiliation again."
"That's because your systems weren't used to having food in them, which is really bad," James said. "Come on. You can sit with me and I can ensure you get something in your stomach that stays. What did you eat, out of curiosity?"
"No thank you," I said. "But Leila force-fed me fries and chicken."
"That's why you threw up," he said. "That's not the right thing to give to a tender stomach."
"Really, James," I said. "I'm tired. Can I go study?"
"No," he declined. "You're coming to lunch."
I took my wrist away from him. "I'm not going to lunch, thank you very much."
"Yes, you are." He regained his grip on my wrist. "Merlin, Evans! Your wrist is abnormally thin."
"It is?" I examined my free one. "I don't think so."
"It is," he confirmed. "Come on, Lily."
I shook my head. "No!" I took my wrist again, but this time, I kept it behind my back. "Don't you dare try to drag me down. I'm staying up here and that's final. You got what you wanted, and now I'm done."
He exhaled, frustrated. "Fine. I'm going to lunch though, and if you knew what was good for you, you would come with me." He left the portrait hole, and I immediately pulled you out, diary. My stomach is out of control and I don't even know why. Why had he affected me that way all of a sudden? What did it mean? What was going on?! The last time I had felt like this was when I had fallen in love with Remus…
No. No, no, no, no. NO. I am NOT in love with James. No, no, no, no, no, no. This can not be happening. I'm not going to let it happen. I am not in love with him. I can't be. It isn't right. It can't be so out-of-the-blue either; love is gradual. It isn't some explosion in the pit of your stomach that defines your whole life for you. It's not done. That's why it can't be love. It also can't be love because I loathe him. I would dearly love to throw James off the Astronomy Tower; if that's love, I'm scared to see hatred. So NO, I am NOT in love with James! Let that be clear right now. I am NOT IN LOVE.
I am never going to be in love with James Potter, and that's my final word – both of this entry and of this matter.
James
January 23rd
Dear Diary,
I'm home!
It sounds like I'm happy, but in actuality, I'm just relieved; I had missed a lot socially (I didn't care about academically) that I needed to catch up with.
The moment I stepped into the castle, people came after me. I didn't even know who half of them were – they all just wanted to know where I had gone, how I was doing, and things like that. I cruised through, hoping I looked nonchalant, even though they were all driving me crazy. All I really wanted to do was get up to the common room and find Sirius, Remus, and Peter, and with a little bit of suave talk, that's exactly what I did.
"Prongs!" Sirius gave me an enormous bear hug the moment he saw me. "It's been a long week – nice to have you back."
"Hey Pads," I said, hugging him back. "Seriously – I met these two ridiculously good-looking girls over there; I have their numbers for you."
"Excellent," Sirius said happily. "That's even better than having you back!"
Remus snorted. "Very sentimental, Sirius. Hi James." He held his hand out to shake, being the polite guy that he was, but I gave him a bear hug anyway. I gave Peter one as well, and he beamed at me.
"It's great to see you, Prongs!" he said.
"Of course it is," I replied with a laugh. "I missed you too, Wormtail."
Peter looked rather pleased, but I sat down. "So…what's been going on?" I asked.
"Everything!" Sirius exploded. "I went out with Kyleigh a bunch, and I think she's a keeper. She's an awesome kisser."
"Thanks for the insight," I said. "Anything else? Remus, was Lily all right?"
"Not really," Remus admitted. "She threw up a few days back."
I nearly fell out of my chair. "What?"
"She did," Peter said. "It was gross."
"Is she all right?!" I demanded.
"Relax," Sirius said. "She's fine. I don't see why you care anyway – aren't you done with her?"
"No," I said. "I realized that while I was hanging out with those girls I mentioned; I love Lily, and there's nothing more anyone can do about it."
Peter groaned. "But it was for the better if you were done! Why did you do this?"
"We were so happy for you, Prongs," Sirius said mournfully. "Why did you break your streak?"
"Look, I didn't murder her or anything, so I don't know why you sound so upset," I said. "I love her. She's everything to me."
"Your perseverance is sweet, James, but sometimes you need to know when to give it up," Remus said softly. "She's been through enough without you getting on her back."
"You mean you dumping her? Yeah, I know, but I'm the right one for her," I insisted. "You'll see. But is she all right other than that?"
"I think she's losing weight," Sirius said. "I mean, she was kind of chunky before, but now she's perfect." Déjà vu hit me then, but I ignored it as I looked to the other two boys.
"She's looking a lot better, I agree with Sirius," Peter said.
"She's not looking better!" Remus objected. "She's ill! You can see it! I just don't know what's wrong. She's rather private – she doesn't want anyone to know what's going on in her life."
"I'm going to break that," I vowed. "I will be there for Lily Evans no matter what, and by the end of the year, she will be in love with me; you mark my words."
"Consider them marked," Peter said, nodding. "And when you're wrong, am I allowed to gloat?"
"No," I snapped. "You won't gloat because I'll end up right!"
"Let her go," Sirius advised. "Honestly, mate; she's not worth all this trouble. She's not worth your affection either."
"You're right," I said.
"I am? I mean, of course I am," Sirius said, correcting himself with a triumphant tone and grin to match.
"Lily is worth the affections of someone better than me, but for now, she's stuck with me," I announced.
Peter groaned loudly, and Sirius banged his head against the wall. Remus laughed and said, "James, I've never heard you say something that…level-headed before."
I shrugged. "There aren't many better people out there, which is why I'm here to fill in."
"That was almost a level-headed comment," Remus said with a grin. "Congratulations, James."
I smirked. "Okay, so is there anything else that I would want to know about?"
"Lily and Leila had a catfight with Regina a few days back," Peter offered.
"Merlin!" I yelped. "What happened?"
"Lily threw hexes, Leila jumped on her and because of Regina's swearing habits, they both got out of detentions. And then Lily wrote 'Regina is a bitch' in wand-letters in the middle of the hall." He laughed. "That instance and the day at the Firehouse are the only two times I've ever really liked her."
"It was hysterical," Peter agreed. "You would have loved it."
"It wasn't hysterical," Remus argued crossly. "Lily acted rather rashly; she could have gotten herself into a lot of trouble."
"That's the point," Sirius said, looking at Remus as though he was completely obtuse.
Remus rolled his eyes. "Really, Sirius. But other than that, nothing of consequence really happened."
"Unless you count Sirius getting in bed with Kyleigh three times," Peter said.
"Pads, you're going to get her pregnant one day," I said, smirking again. "That won't be good."
"She chooses the times so that it doesn't happen," Sirius said defensively.
Peter and I laughed, but Remus didn't. "That's quite irresponsible," he told him.
"So?" It was a lost cause; Sirius never cared about unreliability.
Remus gave it up, and Sirius said, "All right; what do you say to some breakfast?"
"I say the last one there is a Snivelly!" I dashed down the stairs with Sirius and Peter in tow; Remus came down at his own pace, unimpressed by my wonderful statement. We got to the Great Hall, and there, we gorged down some breakfast while I shooed away people who wanted to know where I had been. It was quite a task; I ended up using Peter as a shield. That worked quite well, and I was able to get to class a little early.
"It's so weird to be in here when there are no students or teachers," Sirius said, lying across a desk. "But I kind of like it."
"How immature," Remus said, rolling his eyes at Sirius, who made a face at him.
"Let me enjoy this moment, would you please, Moony?" he requested.
Peter hopped up on a desk and began to leap across to the next desk. "I like this," he said. "We should have tried this ages ago."
Sirius and I began to leap across the desks with him, and I discovered that I liked it. Remus sighed and sat down in his seat; he watched with distaste as we laughed and tried to push each other to the floor. Finally, we lay across different desks and began to talk about how much fun we'd had; there definitely was a certain joy to jumping around an empty classroom.
After a few minutes, Lily walked in. We stopped talking at once, and we looked at her. My chest began to flutter, and my stomach tightened at the sight of her; the impulse to run up to her and kiss her was nearly too powerful to hold down. I was tremendously glad to see her; I had missed her so, so much. However, I looked her over, to see how thin she was, and I got quite a surprise.
Lily was looking, if possible, worse than in the picture I'd taken. She appeared to be exhausted; there were bags around her eyes and her hair was tied back in a messy ponytail, obviously to keep it out of her face. I was horrified; what had happened to her?!
"Hey Evans," I said cheerfully. "I'm back."
"Is that supposed to thrill me?" While she looked different, she unquestionably didn't act different; it was the same old Lily on the inside, and that provided little comfort.
"It thrills me," Sirius cut in. "Now I don't have to be the message-relay person."
"Oh stop whining," she told him. "I only asked you to relay one message for me."
"Speaking of which, when will I get my explanation?" I asked.
She told me that she would tell me during lunch in the common room. Sirius objected – "Are you trying to starve my best friend?" – and that caused her to give a sarcastic retort, which, of course, Sirius didn't like. She argued with Peter as well; she was in quite a mood. She was only subdued by Remus, who calmly asked her to please calm down; even when she lifted Sirius up with her wand to make his pants fall off and give him a wedgie, Remus made her apologize with nothing more than a few glances. I found myself wishing that she respected me enough to listen to me when I did something like that.
"Sorry," she said to Sirius, sounding tired.
"Bitch," Sirius said at once.
"Take that back!" I pointed my wand at him; no matter what Lily did, I was going to ensure that Sirius didn't insult her. He rolled his eyes at her and went to his seat; Peter and Remus went with him, leaving me there with her.
"Will you sit with me?" I asked.
"No, I'm sitting with Leila," she said.
"What about Kyleigh?"
That was when Lily revealed that she and Kyleigh really weren't friends anymore. She blamed it on me – probably because she was just frustrated – but I was genuinely surprised. I hadn't known that so many things had gone wrong since I had left. It had been one bloody week! How does that change the whole world?!
The last thing she told me was, "Damn you" before she flounced off to her seat.
Sirius heard her say it, and the moment I was back in my seat next to him, he said, "Are you happy that you're back?"
"She's just not having a good day," I tried to defend her.
"If that's the case, she hasn't had a good day in over three weeks," Sirius pointed out.
"You're right," I said dejectedly. "Why does she always do this to me, Padfoot?"
"She's a bitch," Sirius explained. "Or didn't you know?"
I sighed. "I'm not over her."
"You need to be," he said. "She's going to keep you on this roller coaster of misery for the rest of your life if you don't draw the line somewhere."
"I suppose, but this is different from ordinary crushes, Pads," I told him.
"So you're saying you're the only guy in the world that has been rejected repeatedly by the girl you love?"
"No," I said. "I'm just saying that what I feel for her is different than an ordinary crush."
"I don't think so," he said. "Stop trying to be misunderstood, Prongs."
"I'm not," I insisted. "I'm just stating a fact."
"Yeah, yeah," Sirius said, uninterested.
I was about to reply, but the bell rang to start class, and I had to pay attention if I didn't want a detention on my first day back. It was difficult, seeing as I was still reeling from seeing Lily again after an entire week, but I managed by playing tic-tack-toe with Sirius in the last fifteen minutes and talking to him constantly about how boring the lesson was. Remus threw us filthy looks continuously – he was annoyed because we were not learning anything, which was apparently a crime in O. W. L. year – but we ignored him, as did Peter, who was busy doing other homework he had forgotten to do earlier. Lily was talking in an undertone Leila, I noticed later; I wished I knew what she was saying. Was she talking about me? Her expression was dark; she probably was.
At long, long last, lunch time rolled around. I left Sirius, Peter, and Remus to go to the common room, eager to talk to Lily; I had waited ages for the moment, and I did not intend to waste the opportunity. When I bounded into the common room, I saw Lily waiting for me on the sofa, looking rather bothered. I knew it was only because of me, but I didn't care; I was just glad to see her.
"Hey!" I greeted her.
"Hi," she said back.
That wasn't good; I would have to keep the conversation progressing myself otherwise it would die out completely.
"Nice to meet you," I said, sitting down in front of her. "I've missed you – so much."
"Yeah, I'm sure you did," she said, disbelief evident on her face.
"But I want to know what's been going on while I was gone," I told her. "Can you fill me in?"
"I daresay your friends have already done that." When she said that, I was honestly tempted to know if she knew Legilimency, but I didn't say anything. Instead, I said, "They have, but I'd like to hear it from you."
Then we embarked on a very reluctant, evasive, honest, and strange conversation; it was one of the oddest talks I'd ever had with her, and I had plenty to choose from there. We talked about how she was no longer friends with Kyleigh, how she had a lot on her mind at the moment, whether or not she was a bitch because of her mood swings, and about how I felt about her. I was quite surprised; Lily's mind worked differently than I had expected. I had always thought that though she was a little dark, she was pretty bouncy and easy to communicate with. I was wrong – she was very unsure of herself. She wasn't sure what to think. She wanted to be alone when I could tell that she needed someone there. She wouldn't admit anything straight-out, but if I looked close enough, everything I needed was written in her eyes. I longed to do something for her – she was obviously going through some kind of mental breakdown – but she wouldn't let me get close enough to her, physically and emotionally. It was very trying for me, seeing her like that, but it was difficult to do or say anything that wouldn't offend her.
At last, I gave it up; I didn't want to trouble her any longer. "Do you want to go to lunch?" I asked her. "You can come with me and we can sit together."
"No," Lily said to me. "This is my study time, like I already told you."
"You're not eating lunch?!" I couldn't believe my ears; she had to eat! She looked like a bowtruckle or something – all sticks.
"No; I almost never do." She looked at me as though I was crazy, but I was looking incredulously back at her.
"That's so unhealthy!" I exploded. "No wonder you're looking so skinny! Come downstairs – you have to eat." I grabbed at her wrist, fully prepared to drag her down to the Great Hall.
"The last time I ate, I threw up. I'm not going through that humiliation again." The way she said it, it was as though she was avoiding something else, but I was too horrified at her eating habits to remark on it.
"That's because your systems aren't used to having food in them, which is really bad," I explained. "Come on; you can sit with me and I can ensure that you get something in your stomach that stays. What did you eat, out of curiosity?"
"No," she said. "But Leila force-fed me fries and chicken."
"That's why you threw up," I said, understanding. "That's not the right thing to give to a tender stomach."
"Really James," she said sleepily. "I'm tired. Can I go study?"
I could not believe her; she wanted to go and study! That girl…she had to get her priorities together. "No, you're coming to lunch," I informed her.
"No, I'm going to lunch, thank you very much," Lily said.
"Yes, you are." I took her wrist again, but then I yelped, "Merlin, Evans! Your wrist is so abnormally thin."
"It is?" She inspected the wrist that I wasn't clutching and said, "I don't think so." I worried for her vision.
"It is," I said. "Come on, Lil."
"No!" She took her wrist back. "Don't you dare try to drag me to the Great Hall. I'm staying up here and that's final. You got what you wanted from me, and now I'm done."
Aggravated, I sighed and said, "Fine. I'm going to lunch though, and if you knew what was good for you, you would come with me." I left her in the common room, but as soon as I was gone, I felt that hole in my chest widen. I wanted to cry out and bang my head against something; I had thought that the hole would close when I saw Lily again. I had been wrong; if anything, it got worse. Why couldn't things go right? Why wouldn't she love me the way I loved her?
I really don't know what else to do. In this instance, my friends are no help at all, and I feel…alone. It's peculiar, but I do; I may know lots of people, but that doesn't mean that they can help me with the agony of loving Lily Evans. This is something I'll have to do by myself, which absolutely sucks.
I'm getting the feeling that fate really, really hates me.
Damn it.
A/N: Oh wow, that was a hard chapter to write. It took me ages to do, and I still don't know how I feel about it. But yeah – they're both confused about the other, and Lily is being anorexic. Haha, Leila will have a lot to say on that later, but for now, you, the reader, need to REVIEW! Lol that makes me really happy and it helps me a lot when I'm stuck on a chapter. :) And do remember that though I adore the sweet things you say about my story, I do like criticism, so that I know what to improve on in the next chapters. Feel free to tell me what I do wrong! Just don't be too mean about it, or I'll cry. :P
