Ugh I have pinkeye. Stayed home from work today and slept for like a hundred years. This chapter is a BIG milestone for me because it marks the end of my first google doc that I started this story on, all 290 pages of it. _ It's a little unsettling because I think I'm a mere 30,000 words ahead of what I'm posting right now (oh snap)...

Life has been busy, hope you're all well and enjoy this chapter. :)

EDIT: formatting hates me and mysteriously makes my line break button disappear when it feels like it.


Sarah grabbed her things and got in her car for work. It was meetings all morning then early dismissal. Then they were apparently babysitting for John and Cortana.

Honestly it would feel almost like a date-that apartment Cortana's job had her put up in was really something else.

She had been true to her word. She had proceeded to freak out and leave the next morning, vowing she would try and forget about the entire incident.

After a month had passed, she quickly realized that was impossible.

It was late at night and she could not sleep. Her mind was busy with the day. Training exercises, operational readiness, Covenant Storm, New Phoenix, Master Chief's fucking retirement and all the paperwork that that fucking entailed. Though he had been out for almost two years at this point, he was technically her's because she was his last commander before he went AWOL. She also had to retroactively review his psych eval that had put him on med hold because the system wouldn't let her request him a normal retirement without doing so, which was a huge waste of her time and a pain in the ass. It also was not easy to retire Spartans, she was quickly realizing. There was so much compensation and benefits that went into it that all needed to be filed perfectly or it was rejected from the next level of approval. On the bright side, his retirement would be the hardest one she would ever fill out. It was like she had to fill out an after action report on his entire life and it was leaving her with a lot more very exciting paperwork. She had interviews for a command position on Earth, armor maintenance, Lasky….

She groaned at the thought. Fucking Lasky. Lasky and his stupid smile, his stupid way of keeping everything normal between them after the best sex she'd ever had, his stupid hands on her body, his stupid mouth...Okay even she couldn't say his mouth was stupid, it had been pretty brilliant.

"Ugh, fuck," she sighed. She hadn't felt this ridiculous over a guy since she was a teenager and what a cosmic joke that it was Tom Lasky, the biggest square she had ever known had her up at night all hot and bothered. Who would have known? She supposed she should have known, he was so fucking nice, of course he would be nice in bed. She felt her body react just from the memory of how nice he had been, how it would be if he was just here, in her bed reminding her.

Even if she could swallow her shame and make it to his cabin, the ship systems would catch it on camera which was the last thing she really wanted. Unless…

She glanced over at her bedside table drawer. In it she had a really nice active camouflage she'd swiped off of an Elite. If she timed it right, the shipboard systems would hardly notice her opening and closing their doors, just a blip on the radar that even when scrutinized wouldn't seem like much of anything…

She took out her datapad. It was a challenge that she couldn't pass up and she wasn't sleeping anyways.

Open your door in approximately ten minutes.

She would wait for his response.

Is something wrong?

She sighed. Aside from the fact that I can't sleep because I'm thinking about fucking you senseless, no, she thought to herself irritatedly.

Just do what I ask please.

She could see that he was writing his response.

Okay.

Entirely too short for how long he had taken to respond but she didn't care. She pulled on a tank top and a pair of thin socks to hopefully dampen any sound her bare feet would make. She grabbed the active camouflage-she could not believe what she was using this for. She was sure there were a disgusting amount of regulations she was breaking in using Covenant tech without the proper orders but she was currently sneaking to the Captain's quarters in the dead of night for the express purpose of sleeping with him so she supposed rules were a little superfluous at this point.

The journey to Lasky's cabin was simple and she hadn't encountered anyone aside from a pair of E-3s on patrol who were gossiping about this and that.

Oh the gossip that would spread if anyone knew what I was doing right now, she thought to herself. Somehow the thought was almost exciting for her.

She had arrived outside of the Captain's Cabin. She checked her watch but realized that she couldn't see it because of the active camo. Wow, she was really distracted.

I wonder why, she thought sarcastically.

She waited another minute-she didn't want to risk knocking. She must have walked more quickly than she thought.

Right as she was sure he had fallen back asleep, the door opened and she walked in.

He surprisedly stepped back and jumped a little when she deactivated the active camouflage.

"To what do I owe the," she watched his eyes track from her ankles, up her legs, linger slightly at short sleep shorts and breasts until he looked at her face, "pleasure?" he said, a little strained.

She dropped the active camo, letting it fall to the floor with a clunk. She crossed her arms and looked around his cabin.

"Nice place you got here, wood floors, damn," she commented.

She saw him shift his weight awkwardly, "Yeah, I think that's because Infinity was commissioned for research, implications are a little less austere."

He paused and looked at her. She was frowning.

"Is there...something you wanted to talk about?"

She frowned even more and he found himself a little afraid of her.

"Yeah, actually, I'm pretty pissed off," in one stride she was face to face with him, her eyes intense with something akin to anger and frustration, "I'm pissed off about the shit storm I'm dealing with-the third operational readiness inspection this cycle, the paperwork retirement for the most decorated hero in the UNSC, upcoming interviews for a commanding position I really want, I have a lot on my plate. But that's not what's keeping me up, do you have a guess about what's keeping me up?"

He shook his head slightly.

"You and your stupid smile and your stupid face and everything about you is making it so I can't sleep tonight. For the past month I have tried to forget about what happened but every night I sit up thinking about how the nerdiest, lamest, nicest, Captain in the UNSC makes my fucking toes curl," she paused and tried to calm herself.

He smirked, "I didn't realize I had had such an effect on you," he teased softly.

This made her angrier.

"The funny thing is I think you do, I think you've liked seeing me uncomfortable for the past month."

He put a hand on her waist and pulled her flush against him. Just his hand on her made her heart beat faster and her breathing feel more shallow.

"It does give me a little satisfaction to know I'm not so entirely forgettable, but it should satisfy you to know that you're on my mind just as often," he said lowly.

It was fast and explosive, she had never found herself so far gone so quickly. Maybe it had been the anticipation or just the very erotic nature of the entire situation but before long she was pulling at his hair and begging him to just finish everything. She'd never begged for anything, but her pride in the entire matter was completely gone.

She felt just as confused as she had before when she was laying naked on his bed. She pulled a blanket over and covered herself.

"Shit," she sighed, running a hand through her hair.

He turned on his side and looked at her, obviously confused.

"I was hoping that this would make it easier."

"You slept with me again because you thought it would simplify things?"

"When you say it that way of course it sounds stupid. I think I was hoping the first time was a fluke or something, maybe if I just got it out of my system...I don't know." She felt stupid. She had wanted her feelings to just go away, that maybe it was a physical urge she could satisfy, an impulse, a silly passing fancy. She realized now that this wasn't at all the case.

It was him. She had wanted him.

"What do you feel now then?"

She sighed.

"I don't know what the right thing to do is anymore."

They were both quiet.

He stood up and put on his shorts, then he sat on the edge of the bed, facing away from her.

"You should know that I think you're amazing. I think you're smart, strong, funny, brave, and beautiful. I don't just want to sleep with you, I like you. If I had the chance I'd treat you well, I'd be happy to do anything for you," his words were so sincere, so simple and yet so, so complicated for her. She had never heard anyone speak so highly of her. She knew he understood her, she knew he wanted her. It was scary to feel like someone saw you the way she knew he saw her.

She frowned and put on her shorts. She stood up and walked in front of him, not really caring that she was topless.

"You're oversimplifying. If it were that easy I'd be here every night. As your friend I have lied and broken so many rules for you, if I was your lover I don't even want to think about the things I'd do." She pulled her shirt over her head. "I am a Spartan before I am a woman. I have inherited the burdens of my predecessors. Hundreds of Spartans and all of the UNSC look to me as an example. I can't just do what I want, no matter how much I might want to be with you."

He was starting to get angry. "But you just said you want to be with me, how can you live your life like this?"

How was he not understanding this? He may not be a Spartan but his life was also dictated by duty, defined by service.

"Tom, my life isn't my own," she picked up the active camouflage and turned to leave.

"Damn I seriously thought it was just him but I'm slowly realizing all of you Spartans are insane," he ran a hand through his hair.

"Who are you talking about?" she turned to him, her hand resting on her hip.

"I talked to the Chief on the bridge after the New Phoenix event."

She thought about the last she had seen of the Master Chief. For all the legend that he was, underneath all of that armor he had been a broken, sad man. His leadership had brought him that burden, the leader of the Spartan-IIs. She had wondered if they would share a similar fate, if in ten years she would look that way. She had wondered how many people one can lose, how many loved ones lost were too many. Apparently he had reached his own personal limit then.

"You Spartans all have this glorious way of talking about humanity, you go on and on about how you have to defend it without allowing yourself to experience it. You're a Spartan and I'm a Captain, but when it comes down to it we're all just people, it's as simple as that, we can't be anything else, it doesn't work that way. You can't take it away, underneath all that armor and muscle you guys are the same as the rest of us, even if you don't want to admit it."

She frowned. "And we see where that got the Chief, his psych write up is sitting on my desk so I can get his mandatory retirement processed, the minute he let that get to him he's unfit for duty and going AWOL on some expedition to find or mourn the AI construct he fell in love with," saying it out loud that way sounded absolutely ridiculous, probably because it was. She hadn't believed it when he had just checked out after his psych eval had declared him too unstable for a return to duty, he had just up and left to find what he needed to find.

"You can wake up and realize that, realize that there is more and you lose it, you lose control and crumble. You can't survive thinking that way Tom. The Chief paid his dues, he paid his dues for over thirty years and he can afford to lose his shit because there are people like me who fall in line afterwards. And that's why I can't do what you're asking, I have to fall in line."

She looked at him, seeing the sadness on his face made her feel sick. She felt sick about the entire situation. She wanted to mean her words, she wanted to believe them with every fiber of her being

She turned again to leave.

"I never thought you were someone to take the easy way out."

She hesitated.

"Just what about this about this situation seems easy for me, I'd like to know so I can think about it later," she said lowly. How could he do that, be so goddamn irritating.

He stood up and put his hand on her shoulder. She turned around and met his eyes.

"It's easier to run away from your thoughts and feelings than confront them. It's easier to bury everything in work than let something get to you. I know if we don't give this a chance I'll regret it for the rest of my life and so will you," he ran his hand down from her shoulder and held her hand in his own.

She squeezed his hand and closed her eyes for a beat.

"You're just too good for this world Tom," she kissed him softly on the cheek, letting her lips linger for a little longer, "But this isn't a fairy tale. I'll see you tomorrow, Captain."

Another week gone and she had avoided him at all costs staying in 'Spartan-land' as much as possible. When she was around him, all of her interactions were to the point and concise, as professional as she could be.

It was killing her.

Beyond the physical want, she missed their banter, the casual way she could talk to him. She had ruined everything and it made her feel horrible. It was worse than Sarah had imagined it would be.

All of the Spartans were lined up in the hangar, along with the rest of the Infinity's crew for the mandatory Commander's call.

She sighed, trying not to fidget in her bio suit. Her Spartans were pretty quiet, lacking a lot of the casual chatter that went with large groups of people. Perhaps they were as excited for this as she was. She looked at the hangar bay doors, waiting for Lasky to walk in-one of the Chiefs would call the ship to attention when he walked in.

He walked on deck.

"Officer on-deck!"

Her Spartans snapped to attention, their rows perfectly filed and equidistant-the rest of the Infinity was slightly slower on the uptake.

"Carry on," he waved.

Only he would be able to seem embarrassed for the respect he was due.

"Good morning, Infinity," he greeted.

Of course you're a motherfucking ray of sunshine, Palmer thought to herself. He started to brief on the operations for the week, he handed out awards for crewmember of the quarter, recognized a few promotions, welcomed some new crew, talked about areas that were doing well-overall, he was very encouraging, optimistic and positive. Everything Palmer wasn't feeling. She felt like she had taken her own heart out of her chest and stomped all over it. Everything hurt and she felt sick despite the tough facade she had so carefully crafted.

"Commander Palmer, anything for Infinity from the Spartan side?"

He smiled at her. It made her stomach turn. She felt both delighted and angry. He was so much better than her, he could just treat her the same like it wasn't hurting. Maybe it wasn't hurting him the way it was hurting her. She cleared her throat and put on the best oo-rah face she could muster.

"Spartans will be entering another operational readiness exercise," because fucking ONI hates me and I fucking hate them and fuck fuck fuck, "And we appreciate your continued support operations," Spartans couldn't run by themselves-all of their support staff was Navy, it would be silly to have Spartans doing anything besides being Spartans.

"We understand the demands that a state-of-the-art vessel like Infinity present and acknowledge that your support is the only thing helping us succeed in these exercises. Infinity is the finest crew I've ever seen and I know you will continue to meet that standard of excellence. In the meantime, Spartan operations will resume with 14-hour shifts effective at 0600 in two days time. For Infinity crew not involved in the exercise, please be as discreet as possible-when we mobilize onto the planet surface it shouldn't affect daily operations for the rest of the exercise but the initial mobilization phase will affect real-world operations."

I'm sitting here telling the crew of Infinity that a pretend scenario made up by ONI is going to disrupt their entire workflow for twenty-four hours, they must hate me, hard to follow a ray of sunshine. Good cop bad cop thing I suppose.

After a few words from Lasky the Infinity was dismissed. Palmer had briefings for the rest of the morning on the Spartan side.

She spent the entire morning in briefings. She had a quick lunch and went back to her office to start her paperwork.

If I had known being a commander was this much paperwork I would've never commissioned. I need to shoot something, she thought to herself irritatedly.

After a few hours she went to look at the crown jewel of her day-the retirement of Master Chief Petty Officer John-117.

She cursed under her breath when the automated form wouldn't let her proceed without giving him a last name.

"Fucker doesn't have a last name," she hit the next button a few more times childishly. "Fine, 117 is a last name," she said, losing any shred of patience...and the form wouldn't accept numbers in the name field.

"I am done with this today," she said quickly after thirty more minutes of trying to deal with it.

When she had finally figured that out, she looked at the entire list of things she had to fill out on the man

How would you describe the character of the retiring individual?

She groaned, "Fucking actually?"

"Something have you upset Commander?"

He was walking into her office, she wasn't standing up like custom dictated, she was too frustrated with everything.

"I had my interview for Earth today which I think I bombed and I'm doing retirement paperwork. Do I look happy?" she complained. And you're here which is making me both irritated, sick, and excited. Keeping things simple.

"I'm sure you did fine on your interview and I think I can fix your paperwork problem," he said lightly. He walked smoothly up to her desk and held a data chip. She looked at it.

"What's in that?"

"I'll give it to you if you get dinner with me."

She frowned.

"Tom," she said warily.

"We get dinner, we're friends," he said lowly.

His tone didn't say friends. His tone said I'm thinking of you naked and it irritated her because she was trying not to think thoughts like that.

"I don't think it's a good idea for where I am right now," she said typing something completely bullshit about the Chief's character.

"Well, I think that form isn't good for where you are right now and I have filled out more retirement paperwork than you could imagine-in the Navy that's the XO's job," he said tossing the chip between his hands.

She would've killed for a first officer to do her bitch work, something the Spartan branch desperately needed. She had a great first shirt but shirts were enlisted. No, she really could've used an extra administrative officer.

He tapped the chip on her desk and the paperwork she had been staring at for forty minutes disappeared, replaced with pages and pages of neatly filed, accurately processed retirement papers for John-117. Her eyes widened.

"How did you get past the first page without making up some bullshit last name?"

"Spartan-II surnames are classified, just redact the information."

"Clever," she said.

"Yours, if you go to chow with me," he said smiling.

She leaned back in her chair and sighed.

"You sure know how to woo a girl, don't you Tom?"

"You don't seem like a girl who wants flowers," he teased. She took the chip and filed the paperwork for herself. She stood up. She stood taller than him but she didn't feel taller in this situation.

"You'd be correct in that regard," she looked at him and remembered how much she had missed talking to him, even in just a week. Her severe expression softened.

"I can get dinner with your ugly mug," she sighed.

They walked to the galley together and she couldn't help but just feel better. It was the end of the dinner shift and most people had went to go do whatever filled their free time on this ship. She thought there was a gravball tournament tonight. whatever reason, they were mostly alone save a few other soldiers.

"Are you dropping on Thursday?"

"Yeah, my recertification is due. We're making the Spartans who weren't ODSTs drop this time around even if their certification isn't up, it's a good training opportunity and I feel like as the leader I should probably take the drop with them."

"Do you guys have to drop in your indoc?"

"Oh yeah, a drop in MJOLNIR is one of the first things you do after the surgeries. Gives you confidence. I think for the ones that haven't done a drop it's still terrifying but if you were an ODST and you're doing what seems like your thousandth orbital drop in all that gear and after all that surgery-you feel like a rock star. Probably the highlight of the indoc phase," she took a bite of an apple.

"In flight school we don't do an orbital drop but we do some more regular ones. Made me glad I didn't become an ODST."

"Was it something you ever considered?"

He shook his head. "Not after my brother died, it was too hard. No, I knew I wanted to do this after Corbulo."

"Your brother was an ODST?" She didn't bother asking how he had died. Often with ODSTs death was a matter of when, not if.

"Yeah, helljumper tattoo and everything."

"I never felt inclined to get one though I'm surprised I didn't."

"I noticed," he said.

She felt herself turn red-she hated being as fair as she was, it was so easy to tell when she was embarrassed.

"You don't have any embarrassing tattoos? I'm surprised you don't have a pretty flower or something. I nearly convinced a guy to get 'death before dishonor' tattooed across his chest but the tattoo place turned us away because we were too drunk, probably one of the most decent civilians I've ever met," she quipped trying deflect his very clear memory of her without clothes.

"You should listen to your own alcohol briefings," he joked.

"Well, a younger Sarah was a little bit more wild when she could afford it, when we were given shore leave we did it right, if you didn't wake up handcuffed to a bedpost next to a stranger with an eyebrow shaved off and a new tattoo you weren't drinking enough."

"I can only imagine, I was still a nerd, but you could have probably guessed that."

"Not the worst thing to be, I'm surprised I survived my ODST days, becoming a Spartan might have been a safer career move than I had thought."

Lucy watched from afar as her Commander laughed at something the Captain had said.

How quickly she has become your Commander, Lucy thought to herself.

It was true, she'd follow that woman. There was something about her that was very raw and very inspiring-she'd die on her orders if she had to. It was her duty as a Spartan and she could do that duty happily if the time came….

Lucy shook her head from the rather morbid thoughts-it was hard to remember that wartime operations had slowed significantly. She took a note to remember that. It helped her, to remind herself that she needn't be so hyper-aware, that she could be calm in isolated moments whenever the mission allowed for it.

Something had been off with the Commander for the past month or so. She couldn't place exactly what it was but when you were as quiet as she was you started to notice things about people, especially the things they didn't say.

When she had been new to Infinity, she noticed right away that the Captain and the Commander were close. Not only had they been close, they were casual. Their body language was always very at ease, very open.

They were both officers so it wasn't as if it was inappropriate, it was just worth noting. The Captain smiled and made eye contact with people, it made her feel uncomfortable because he had so much rank.

After Commander Palmer came back from her shore leave, Lucy noticed that the Commander and the Captain stopped talking as often. He didn't come into their office suite as frequently and when he did it was usually strictly business. Lucy tried to ignore the suddenly tense relationship-whatever it was, it was probably above her pay-grade.

Now the Commander was back to talking and laughing with him. Interesting.

She was sitting in the dining hall alone at the end of the dinner shift. She had many small patches of the day that she had blocked off as 'alone time'. It was very important that she had publicly known patches of alone time so people could approach her privately. It had been difficult at first because she wasn't used to going anywhere alone-she hadn't been alone since she was a child really, but she had started to kind of enjoy the time to reflect. It was also gratifying when her fellow Spartans would approach her with their problems. The war had made survivors out of all of them.

The Commander made eye contact with her from across the room. She couldn't tell if she had just been noticed or if just now acknowledged. She gestured to her to come over.

Maybe I shouldn't have been lingering here, thought Lucy nervously.

"Good evening ma'am," she said approaching the table trying not to be on edge. The Commander was nice and not overly formal.

"You ready to drop tomorrow, Spartan?"

"Yes ma'am," she replied.

"Have you ever done an orbital drop? I think it's a good experience."

"No I haven't ever done one that high up."

"Well it's okay to feel a little nervous, you'll be fine."

"Dropping doesn't scare me, I actually like it, I did my first jump when I was five years old," she replied. She watched their faces quickly shift from casual to blank, shocked, and slightly awkward.

Oh, everyone here wasn't a child soldier? I forget that sometimes, she thought to herself sarcastically. It was easy to feel alienated. The other Spartans were surely dedicated but they didn't have the same understanding and rapport that she had felt with the Spartan-IIs. She felt awkward about the silence.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable," she said quietly.

"No, Lucy don't apologise, I apologise for making you worry," the Commander looked steelier than she had a few moments ago. She straightened her collar and looked at the Captain with a little unnecessary coldness that Lucy couldn't help but feel was a foreign coming from her. "I'll be taking my leave, Captain, Spartan," she acknowledged both of them and stood up, towering over a foot over Lucy.

She watched the Captain leave after he said goodbye to her kindly. She had never seen someone look so sad and wistful in a moment. She felt uncomfortable seeing something that seemed so personal. Lucy couldn't help but think that something was most certainly amiss.

Sarah changed into PT gear and went to run, breaking out into a quick pace that she wouldn't be able to maintain for much over an hour, enough for her to really feel the exertion she was longing for.

What a joke, I'm laughing up a storm with the Captain about my belligerent days as an ODST and my shirt was dropping out of the sky as a little girl along with a handful of my Spartans who are bonafide child soldier war heroes. Perspective. Get it together Sarah. Fall in line.

Her entire existence as a Spartan was defined by the fact that no matter what she gave; her life, her mind, her body, her soul, it would never live up to the men and women before her. She had a mother and a father. She had a last name. She had had choices and answers.

But the Captain. The sweet, goofy Captain.

Tom.

He still made her stomach flutter and it enraged her. She wanted him so badly. Too badly.

She let the hour melt away and grabbed a towel angrily to wipe the sweat off of her face.

"Jesus, Commander's got something on her mind," she heard a Spartan murmur. She glared sharply in their direction, watching the group stiffen and glance away awkwardly.

And now I look like a basket case to my troops, fan-fucking-tastic, she thought. I need a shower.

Sarah smiled as she pulled into her parking spot.

Best part of being stationed on a home world, I get a parking spot with my name on it, that feels good, she thought to herself smugly. It felt childish to care about things like that but she didn't really care.

Briefings went by quickly and she watched the sun rise. She felt like she was on auto-pilot most of the day, it was only a half day and very relaxed. She was meeting Tom at the train station and didn't have time to change if they were going to make the same train. She felt a little discombobulated and hurried as she gathered her things.

I guess I'm playing babysitter tonight. That'll be interesting.


I really like writing Sarah Palmer. Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, it's a good one in my opinion, thought you guys deserved something longer because updates have been so sporadic. Thanks again to everyone who reviews or sends encouragement, it really means the world.