"Admit it. You've never thought of me as a real man."

She was silent, looking away, and he closed his eyes and sighed brokenly. It felt like her heart was breaking, as well.

"You. . . God, I thought. . . equal—!" His eyes flew open and his burning gaze almost made her falter and give in.

But it wasn't just about him and her anymore.

Don't do it. Don't break.

Do not give in.

Don't. . . don't think of his beautiful smile, or how he's really just a child at heart that only you can protect.

Shancai looked up to the sky, willing her tears to roll back in. It was deathly quiet, save for his heavy breathing, which stood out sharply in contrast.

Do not think of how he's said he loves you, more times than you can even remember(although you're sure if you thought about it a little more, you'd know the exact number, because secretly you've been keeping count). . . And how you're starting to feel that 9/10 of love filling to the brim whenever you see him.

He was still looking at her, waiting for a response to his question that he already knew the answer to. She bit her lip and looked down, away from him, instead of saying anything—trying to drag the inevitable down to the very end.

Though, to be honest, saying you'd loved him 1/10 of how much he'd loved you was just so he wouldn't see that you loved him so much more than that, so much that it was scary to even comprehend or understand, so much so that. . . it could make you forget about everyone and everything else.

And that was the problem.

"It's not just about you," she finally said, her heart twisting painfully as she said so. "There are other people involved—"

"But—"

"Let me finish, Daoming Si." She took a deep breath. "I can't risk the people I love, my friends, getting hurt, because of. . ."

"What? Because of what? Say it. Say it, Shancai."

His eyes glowed fiercely like embers, for once, his anger was directed towards her. They were extremely close now, she could just lean in and their lips would be touching. The thought reminded her of what a mess she must look, her cheeks flushed and her usually stick straight hair chaotic and ruffled.

And why? Because of his presence, and the things it did to her. This could not keep happening. It would not. She snapped.

"Fine! I was just going to tell you! I can't risk the people I love getting hurt, because of. . . because of your mother!" Her tone was defiant, daring him to contradict her. But he was ready with an immediate response.

"My mother! How can you not trust me enough to think that I don't know that, that I haven't already found a way for both of us to be together! She's my mother! I'll make her understand, I'll find a way." He paused, breathing hard, then put a gentle finger on her chin, forcing her to look at him. She could feel a heavy lump in her throat forming at his expression. "I. . . I would always find a way for you."

"Stop it, Daoming Si. And don't look at me like that."

"Like what?" For the first time that dreadful evening, he smiled, almost smirking.

It flustered her.

"Just. . . like—like that!" She closed her eyes for the second time, then opened them after taking a deep, calming breath. "That is not the point."

"What is it, then?"

"The point was that, whatever this is," she motioned between them. "Is not happening. F—for the aforementioned reasons. Do you understand?"

"No." He looked sulky again.

"Ah Si—!" She stopped herself as his eyebrows rose. "Fine. Fine. I. . ." Her voice broke. The best way for all of this to end was to just leave.

You're running away. "I'll be going now. Goodbye, Daoming Si."

"The hell you are." He grasped her hand, and knowing she wouldn't resist him, pulled her into him. She gasped. "Daoming Si—"

"Stop calling me that. It's annoying." He frowned and his arms tightened around her.

"You probably think I'm being selfish," he whispered to her, his lips brushing her ear.

"But you're wrong, stupid girl," he continued, as she breathed shallowly against him. "You're really the one who's selfish. You are, because you won't give all of yourself to me like I have to you. Selfish. You're selfish like that."

"I am not," she said, trying not to lose control of herself completely at his nearness.

"You are. It's okay, though. Because I know secretly you want to give all of yourself to me. And one day, you will. But we won't ever have that if you act like this." He smiled again, though this time more strained, and she felt the painful curve of his lips, his insecurity, before she even saw it. It made her get a weird feeling, like a small dwarf deep inside her was struggling desperately to get out, pounding and hammering away at her chest.

. . . so much so that. . . it could make you forget about everyone and everything else.

You can't give up, not yet.

Shancai wrenched herself away from Si, and he gaped at her in surprise.

"Well, I don't care!" She rubbed fiercely at her ears, trying to erase the sensation of his lips on them. "I don't care if you think I'm selfish! I. . . I have to be. That is who I am." She bit on her lip again, almost drawing blood at the stress of lying to him.

"Oh, spare me." But of course, she was never good at lying. Not to him.

"You—!" She spluttered, her face heating up.

"No. It's your turn to listen to me now, Shancai. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of you pretending and lying when we both know what you really want." His face was certain, but again his eyes revealed the tiniest bit of self-doubt and it tugged at her heart. She was so close to giving in and kissing away his rare self consciousness. . . But she had to persevere.

"You think you know what I want? Really?"

His expression turned smug. "No. I know."

Well.

What could she say to that?

Not waiting for her to come up with something, Si took advantage of her momentary paralysis and picked her up, one steady arm under her legs, and the other supporting her back.

She struggled in his embrace, pushing and shoving, but it was of course in vain. She knew if she really tried, he'd have to let her go, but there was still a subconscious part of her that relished being in his arms, and obviously was only making weak attempts at an escape.

He walked with her in his arms to his car, and kissed her head, as if she wasn't pushing at him at all.

"Let it go, bab—stupid girl," he murmured gently.

"But," she protested weakly, although realizing the end.

"Do you trust me?" He looked at her, his expression full to the brim of what she'd always been so scared of. And that hesitancy, too. For someone who was so sure of himself, and to see another side of him, It drew her crazy.

Nevertheless, Shancai forced herself to consider the question.

. . . not that she really had to, if she was being honest. The answer to it was obvious. Of course she trusted him. . . the real question that he should've been asking was different.

Can you risk everything, choose him over the expense of everyone, your family, your friends? Truly?

". . . tell me," he whispered. His hold on her was strong, and to anyone else, he would've seemed confident, sure of himself, but she knew the truth: he was scared.

I could. . . no, I would.

Time and time again.

"Yes," she said softly, an unsteady smile forming on her face at the instant, beautiful and relieved grin on his own.

"Yes, I trust you."

"I knew it." He kissed her eyes that had fluttered closed in embarrassment.

She giggled quietly.

"Did you?"

". . . of course."

She beamed.

"Okay."


I wrote this half asleep so please excuse all the errors. 😅

I was trying to work on dialogue, which besides plot, is extremely hard for me. On a side note, after I finished writing this whole thing just now, I remembered that this whole scene happens when it's raining.

Oh well. It's fan fiction. 😅😅😅😅😅

I tried to make it romantic but might have failed. Let me know if it was or not.

Oh, and one last thing. Definitely drop by meteor_heaven and read the CaiSi alternate universe project from the beginning. Each writer so far has been absolutely, just MARVELOUS and each have created an amazing and unbelievably creative universe. It's so so exciting!

... (awkward silence cause I don't know what else to say)

Well, that's it I guess.

Till next time haha!

- coexistantLilli :D