**So the problem I've run into is that I have bits and pieces of the story written out, but they are too far apart to just jump into. So I have to write a bit more to connect them. Stay patient! It will be worth it. Please let me know if you find any mistakes so I can fix them. Thanks for reading!
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Natalia's POV
Natalia had only been on the roof for about five minutes when someone interrupted what she had hoped would be a good view of the beautiful sunset that she could enjoy alone.
She had found this gem a few days back when she'd been wandering the compound early in the morning. It was one of the best views in Dauntless. It was a small space though, and you had to crawl through a busted window, lift yourself up a ledge and skim along it, then climb, to get to it.
The perfect place to hide from Matthew, who was afraid of heights. She wasn't hiding from him, just wanted him to have a break from her. She couldn't use him as a crutch when he had his own training to worry about.
She was also afraid he'd pressure her to get back on her meds. Maybe she needed to though? The past week had proven that she was off. She hadn't wanted to be around anyone for the past week. And she was constantly thinking about how she wasn't Dauntless. She was weak, and she was an inconvenience. Did she have to rely on medication to keep her sane?
It made her blood boil just thinking about it.
At first, Natalia ignored the footsteps, but to her dismay hulking figure gracefully placed himself right beside her. She knew that it was Eric because the smell of coffee and cinnamon hit her head on, making her heart skip a beat.
It was frustrating that he had sat so close to her that their legs were touching. Especially when the ruthless leader didn't say anything, he just sat and waited for the sunset as if they had both planned to meet there. Sat there, as if they hadn't gone the past week acting as if the other didn't exist.
Should she say something? She knew that he was just going to tell her that she was weak. She wasn't Dauntless. Her minor panic attack post-landscape had proven that. What would her reaction be for all of her other fears?
"I cried after my first landscape."
Natalia's head snapped in her leader's direction. Had she heard him correctly? He didn't look at her, but he did cock his head to his side and sigh.
"Ophidiophobia," he said simply, as if she would know what that was. He kept his gaze forward but must have assumed by her silence that she didn't understand.
"The fear of snakes." She watched as he gulped, and glanced down to see that his hands were both making fists where they sat on his lap.
"They were everywhere, and I couldn't get away, no matter how hard I tried." Eric shook his head. "They felt so real, that I had nightmares for days, waking up feeling slimy scales tightening around my neck, arms, even my legs.
Why was he telling her this? She turned her head back toward the sunset.
"It took me weeks to get to the point that I was calm enough to assess the situation I was in, to handle it as a Dauntless would." He explained to her. She kept silent, but confusion racked her brain.
"My only save and grace during my initiation, and probably the only reason I was pushed into a leadership position, other than Jeanine's pressure to do so on Max, of course, was that I overcame two of my other fears during initiation, and one immediately following."
Natalia's mouth fell open. He'd overcome three of his fears during his first few months at Dauntless?
Was he only saying these things to try to make her feel better?
"I overcame both my agoraphobia and claustrophobia, two of the most common fears," he shrugged.
She turned her head forward just as he turned his gaze toward her for the first time since he'd sat down. His stare felt like a laser, making her skin turn pink and her stomach turn. She watched him out of the corner of her eye. Not being able to read his face was concerning, she wasn't used to it.
"Tell me about him," Eric said quietly. She looked at him, staring into his dark eyes questioningly. "Go on. His name was William, right?" he nodded to her.
What? He wanted to know about William? After he'd just told her that? Not many people asked about him, just how he died. The thought must have shown on her face because he spoke again.
"You'll probably never overcome a fear like that, not since its connected to a memory. Instead of focusing on his death, you should focus on his life." Eric paused and took a deep breath when she turned to him. His obsidian eyes were intoxicating.
"So, tell me about him." Eric kept his dark eyes glued to her as he said it, so she broke the gaze first and looked out off of toward the hues of orange shimmering above the rooftops in front of her.
Natalia hadn't expected that request. "Why do you care?" she asked him.
"You've asked me that many times before, you know," he contemplated his next words. "I've never answered because I haven't decided why. But, as I just told you, the more you focus on his life, rather than his death, the easier it will become to overcome that certain fear since it is associated with a memory," he explained.
"Tell me about him," he urged her when she didn't answer him immediately.
Natalia sighed, "He was my best friend," she told him.
"He protected me and looked after me. He treated me as if I was the center of his world. Not just me, but everyone, he was so good with people. As a kid, his optimistic attitude was infectious. And one he was older, he became the kind of man everyone loved, that everyone wanted to be around. He just had this way about him that brought people together. I spent most of my childhood with him and his tight-nit group of friends, all from different factions. He hated Candor just as much as I did, and realized that he had an aptitude for Dauntless at a young age." she paused, not knowing what else to say.
"How long ago?" Eric asked her. He already knew the answer to that question, but she answered anyway.
"Three years," her voice was quiet, "but it feels like just yesterday."
Her jaw was clenched as she stared forward, but she relaxed a bit as she felt him lean into her. "Keep going," he urged her again.
"In the weeks after it happened, I had severe insomnia. I functioned on barely any sleep and ate next to nothing. I had several panic attacks. I even questioned if life was even worth living." She gulped again. Should she really be telling him all of this? If not, it was too late now.
"After a while, it got a bit easier, once I stopped caring about everything. Eventually, my father had me put on medication. I think that Matthew had a lot to do with that decision. I stopped taking them because I realized that I had to face my own problems. I couldn't hide them with medication, and I couldn't run away from them like I wanted to. Most of the time I wish I could forget though. It would be easier that way" she told him.
Eric didn't say anything but was still leaning into her.
"Will you start taking your medication again?" Eric asked her.
Natalia tensed beside him and began to pull away. She hadn't expected that suggestion from him.
She had expected him to call her foolish, and weak. To tell her that she didn't belong here, just like he had when she and Matthew had first gotten here. And he would be right.
He turned toward her and continued. "Don't bother telling me that it is none of my business because I'm making it my business. The doctor who prescribed them to you is an old friend, and I ran into him when he was visiting Amity last week. And yesterday I contacted him and mentioned him how you'd been the past week, hell even that stupid tattoo kid was asking your cousin about you the other day. Your training may be going fine, but what about outside of that? You've been lethargic, avoiding your friends, avoiding me. After," Eric shook his head. "He said that is how it started last time and recommended that you take a lower dose."
"Why do you ca-," She began to ask him, but he snapped at her mid-sentence.
"Stop asking me that!" He stared at her for a moment before turning back to the sunset again.
Their legs and shoulders were touching again, making her gulp.
"Can we talk about something else?" she asked him. She didn't understand what was happening, or why he was sitting here, but she would worry about that later.
"Like what Candor?" Eric leaned back on his hands and swung his left leg up; his right remained by her side.
"I'm not Candor!" The words slipped out before she could think about the fact that the exclamation would leave her open for him to say she wasn't Dauntless either. Perhaps she didn't belong anywhere?
He didn't answer right away, so she turned her head to the side a bit to look at him out of the corner of her eye again. He was smirking.
"Why were you and your cousin talking about me the other day?" he asked her, finally changing the subject. "And what terrible things could you have to say about me that called for your whispering in foreign languages?"
The question surprised her. Matthew had mentioned him during their short dinner conversation, saying that it was strange how much of a distance he'd kept from their group during training that week. She'd only agreed and changed the subject as quickly as possible.
"Does it matter?" she asked him in the same dull voice.
"I'm merely curious," he replied
"Better be careful Eric, your Erudite is showing."
He snorted in response.
After a moment of silence, Natalia turned her head back to the sun, which was finally setting in front of them, and took her turn to change the subject.
"Each Dauntless leader works with a faction, right? Do you still work with Erudite?"
The leader didn't answer immediately, instead sat up and put his leg down again. She hoped he was looking at the sunset, rather than her, as his shoulder rubbed up against hers. Her face had to be red as a tomato.
"No. I haven't worked with Erudite for years," Eric replied quietly.
She decided to continue her questions, to see how far she could push whatever this was. What could it hurt?
"Who do you work with then? Andrea works with Candor, does Jackson work with Erudite?" she asked him.
He paused, and didn't look at her when he replied this time, "careful Tiger" he said, "your Erudite is showing."
Natalia's head snapped in his direction. She didn't care who he was, calling her Tiger was too far. There were VERY few people who were allowed to call her by the nickname that William and Michael had given her, and Eric was not one of them.
She clenched her jaw and replied to him with a deadly calm voice, "don't ever call me that again."
Eric turned his gaze back to her; she tried not to focus on the pink tinge of the sky that reflected against his piercings, and more on the glimmer of anger that flashed in his eyes.
"I'll call you whatever the fuck I want to call you initiate," he growled.
That went from zero to one hundred, fast. Did he get off on being a prick?
Natalia maintained her glare, "no, you won't."
She realized how close their faces were as he leaned in closer to her. She gulped. He was intimidating like this. Also, extremely attractive. Fuck. She shouldn't be thinking that. Not about him. Again.
"What are you going to do about it?" he said quietly, his eyes darkening more.
She smiled at him as menacingly as she could manage, two could play at that game. She leaned into him so that he had to shift his body toward her, replying quietly. "I don't think you don't want me to have to do anything about it."
"Then what should I call you?" he asked her and leaned forward.
Then he did something that she would have never expected, not in a million years.
He smiled at her.
And not just a smile, a genuine, wholehearted kind of smile.
He smiled as if he were enjoying her company as if they were friends. Not a ruthless Dauntless leader who was known for his cruelty, eliciting fear into just about everyone in his faction.
Natalia tried to force herself to look away, but she couldn't. It was mesmerising. And she realized it was his breath smelt like cinnamon and was turning her on beyond belief.
She squirmed as he closed the space between them by lifting his leg and pulling her toward him. It was unbelievable how fast he was, like a viper and its prey.
He leaned his head toward her "you can't think of anything else you'd like me to call you?" he asked her.
Natalia's insides felt like gelatin. When he leaned closer, so that he could speak into her ear, the stubble on his face rubbed against hers, eliciting a breathy "Eric" from her.
The leader chuckled into her ear. The noise reverberated down her spine. "That's my name," his lips touched her ear, and he pulled her closer so that her legs were fully on the roof.
"If I called you that, it would get confusing."
It was already confusing. And if Eric pulled any farther, she'd fall on top of him.
"I don't understand," she told him quietly. "Why are you doing this to me?"
Eric froze in his place and sat them both up abruptly. He didn't move her though, so her leg was still wrapped around his in an uncomfortable position.
He stared at her a moment before answering.
"Why are you, doing this to me?" He asked accusingly.
She was starting to learn that he used his eyes as a weapon as the dark orbs bore into hers.
Silence filled the space between them. She noticed that the sky was darkening around them slowly, causing shadows on the walls. It made her shiver.
Natalia pulled her legs away from the leader and folded them. She rested her elbows on her thighs and leaned her head on them.
"You don't think I'm weak?" She was glad that her voice didn't waver.
"No," he told her, his voice devoid of emotion.
When she didn't acknowledge his answer, he spoke again.
"If it were anyone else, I think that I would," he shook his head and looked down to her legs. She didn't think he was actually seeing her though, more like looking through her.
Silence again.
"I should go," she started to stand, but he reached out and grabbed her wrist. She stared at him; his expression was blank again.
"Go back on your depression medication." His voice was emotionless. "Start it again tonight. The lower dose in the infirmary already. Ask for a girl named Vanessa."
Natalia nodded at him.
He used her arm to pull himself up, then rolled her wrist, so he was looking at her tattoos. She remembered his fear of snakes.
"Why are these eyes blank?" he asked her, his eyes narrowing as he leaned down as if the dark was playing tricks on his eyes.
"These two," she pointed to the snakes with the blue and brown eyes, "represent William and Matthew. The two people I will never stop loving."
Eric stood straight and looked at her questioningly; he didn't drop her wrist, so she stared at his hand.
"Maybe, the others will represent someone else's eyes someday." Natalia thought for a moment about her friends. Callie, Andrew, Justin, Jacob, Mac, Daniel, and the others. How long would they be in her life? Would any of them mean that much to her someday? Did she really mean anything to them, as Andrew has suggested earlier? "Gives me something to look forward to I suppose."
"Only five?" Eric rolled her wrist over again and rubbed his thumb on one of the empty snakes. She nodded in response.
"There's not much room in my heart either." He whispered, his voice sorrowful.
Natalia looked up at the leader, but his gaze was still on the snakes that wrapped her wrist and forearm.
"How many would you have?" She wasn't sure that she'd even said it out loud, it was so quiet.
Eric scrunched his eyebrows as he contemplated the question.
"I don't know," he said quietly, leaving his mouth open as if he were going to continue.
Natalia waited. She realized that his thumb was still rubbing the same snake softly, sending her heart into overdrive.
"Maybe, I'll find out someday," he said it in the same tone she had, then raised his dark eyes back to hers. "Problem is, I haven't found a way to overcome the fear that comes second to snakes, Philophobia. Probably because until now, I hadn't found someone worth trying to overcome it for."
Eric dropped her hands and gave her a light smile, then scooted past her. She watched in silence as he slid himself down to the ledge gracefully and disappeared around the corner of the building.
Philophobia? She didn't know much about phobias, or their names, but she knew what that one was. It was the fear of love, or perhaps falling in love.
And what exactly did he mean when he said until now?
Natalia made her way to leave the small rooftop, more confused than the last few encounters she'd had with them. At least he'd been drinking then, but this? What the hell was this?
Once she hopped off the ledge and crawled through the broken window, into the empty building. She felt the need to speak to Matthew. Not about this, because she wasn't even sure what this, was.
Just talk. About anything. She was going to go find him, hopefully he was alone.
But first, she was going to stop by the infirmary because even though she didn't want to start back on the medication, she knew that her snake's eyes might never be filled with color if she didn't.
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