Ch. 27

She was sitting at the counter in her underwear and Alex's t-shirt. Her legs and feet were bare. She had obviously thrown on anything she could find when he made her way out of bed.

Away from Alex's side.

Alex now watched her from behind.

The way her back curved, her shoulder's slump, the way her elbows rested on the counter.

She looked defeated.

"Morning," Alex said softly, unsure, and doubtful it was a good morning.

Olivia turned her head acknowledging Alex, but not saying anything.

Alex hoped she would wake up next to Olivia.

Despite the way last night ended.

Despite them both falling asleep in each other's arms, they both fell asleep devastated in each other's arms.

I can't, was all she said.

And they both fell asleep devastated.

Alex reached for Olivia, placing her hand at her back.

When Olivia didn't flinch, didn't push her away, Alex stood closer pressing her chin in to Olivia's shoulder, snaking her arms around her waist.

Olivia didn't protest the comfort.

She liked not being alone.

"I made coffee, but I think the coffee pot shut off. So it's probably getting cold…"

"That's ok… I can make more."

Alex finally got a look at Olivia's face.

She had obviously been crying.

Her eyes, red, weak.

"How long have you been up?"

"A while."

"Did you sleep?"

"I did a little… I watched you sleep, you're perfect even when you sleep." Olivia said intertwining her fingers with Alex's. "I got up, my shoulder was hurting."

She didn't lie, her shoulder had been hurting.

"Did you take something for the pain?"

"No, I forgot to."

And she liked the pain, it made her feel. It gave an actual ache to the way she felt on the inside.

"Is it still bothering you? Can I get you something?"

"Alex." Olivia protested.

"Liv." Alex said turning Olivia towards her. "I love you, and I take care of you remember?"

Olivia shook her head and Alex went for the cabinet for pain medicine.

Alex handed Olivia the pain medicine, "Water?"

"No, I have coffee left."

Alex turned to turn the coffee pot back on.

"Eggs? Toast?" Alex offered.

"Sure."

Alex grabbed a pan from the cabinet and the eggs from the fridge.

"I'll let you talk when you're ready." Alex said cracking the eggs in to the pan.

Olivia looked at Alex.

"What's to talk about really? We both already know what happened last night. We both know I did it again. We both know I can't let you get close, let you have sex with me because Lucas rapped me. Right? So what's to talk about?"

So matter of fact.

"We need to talk about how you feel. We need, you need to talk to someone that can help you get through this… we're not just going to ignore that it happened."

"I was fucked up enough, now look at me. Look what he's done to me. Full circle. A child of rape, gets raped… like it was meant to be."

"Olivia! Stop it! Never say that! Never say that again! Never think that again!" Alex yelled pushing the frying pan off the stove.

Alex spun around the counter grabbing Olivia before she could try and escape.

"Look at me!" Alex said, cupping Olivia's face in the palm of her hands. "Look at me. None of this is your fault! None of this was meant to happen! You just need time!"

"I don't want time! I want you!"

"Honey you have me."

"You keep saying that, but I don't. How long are you going to want to be with someone who can't let you be with them? How long will you put up with me pushing you away?

"Liv, baby you need help. You'll get through this and I'll be right beside you."

"You'll get tired of this."

"Liv, I want to make you feel the same way you made me feel last night. I had never felt so connected to anyone, I've never trusted anyone, loved anyone or felt loved the way you made me feel last night," Alex pleaded. "And yes I want to make you feel the way you made me feel, and not out of obligation, but because you're ready for me to love you, to touch you, to be with you."

"I wanted you to, last night I wanted you to…"

"I know you did."

"I ruined our night. I ruined it."

"You didn't ruin anything. You just weren't ready."

"I want to be ready. I just wanted you and I just wanted you to replace him on my skin, replace him inside of me with you. That's what I wanted! That's what I want."

"Olivia… I will replace him. I will in time. But until then, let me hold you, let me kiss you. He will fade and I will replace him."

"What if you can't?"

"I will." Alex said confidently. "I will because I love you."

Olivia reached for Alex, her face buried against Alex's shoulder.

Olivia cried unapologetically.

So did Alex.

Olivia now stood face to face with Alex.

Tear stained, sniffling, trying to breath, messy.

Olivia reached to wipe a tear rolling down Alex's cheek.

"I'll go to therapy ok."

Alex shook her head.

"And I'll be right here beside you ok." Alex said with a small assuring smile.

Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex and they held each tight.